Two years of freedom
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Two years of freedom
It all happened so fast once it happened.
And then ensued two years of drama. To the point where I know the names of the grandchildren of my attorney's secretary, and the story of her life.
It's been two fantastic years.
But I've done that thing we do so well, us codies -- I've stashed away all the emotions and focused on putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I've had moments of freakouts, but mainly, I've postponed dealing with my emotions because I don't have time. I've joked that I've scheduled a breakdown for May 16, 2016, for fifteen minutes.
And now, they're beginning to crawl out of the box. And it's unpleasant. I'm grieving, finally -- grieving the 20 years I spent trying to get my AH to sober up. Grieving all the memories I have nobody to share with, since we're not talking. Grieving that our oldest will graduate without his father there, since they haven't spoken since 2010. Grieving the love we did have, at one point. Grieving the life he has wasted. Grieving when I see that he's doing the same thing he did when we were married -- drinking and attracting women attracted to a victim mentality.
I don't regret leaving. I'm sorry it happened the way it did. We would never have parted as friends -- regardless of how I left him, I would have been the bad guy and he would have been the victim -- but I'm sorry we parted in a way that leaves me, still, frightened of him.
I know this man. I know the hurt, sad, little boy inside him. My heart aches for him. My heart aches because I couldn't help him. My heart aches because he couldn't help himself. My heart aches because he tried, and he had people who surrounded him, AA-friends and a good sponsor who became a good friend, for a while. And it wasn't enough.
I'm in a new relationship, one that's a relationship between equals, with no addiction and no mental illness involved. And this is the one thing I can't talk to the new man in my life about. We've been friends for so long. He saw how my marriage changed me. He hates AXH for what he did to me. And it's good, because he doesn't let me forget; he doesn't let me sink into a pity that's risky for me -- he reminds me of panicked phone calls when I got death threats over the past two years; he reminds me of how my emotional and physical health was on the verge of breaking two years ago. And I love him for it. But it means he can never understand the grieving I'm going through right now. So I'm grieving alone. Which is OK. Because there really isn't another way, is there?
It feels like an unpleasant medical treatment that will make me better. I know I have to go through it. But I don't have to like it.
And then ensued two years of drama. To the point where I know the names of the grandchildren of my attorney's secretary, and the story of her life.
It's been two fantastic years.
But I've done that thing we do so well, us codies -- I've stashed away all the emotions and focused on putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I've had moments of freakouts, but mainly, I've postponed dealing with my emotions because I don't have time. I've joked that I've scheduled a breakdown for May 16, 2016, for fifteen minutes.
And now, they're beginning to crawl out of the box. And it's unpleasant. I'm grieving, finally -- grieving the 20 years I spent trying to get my AH to sober up. Grieving all the memories I have nobody to share with, since we're not talking. Grieving that our oldest will graduate without his father there, since they haven't spoken since 2010. Grieving the love we did have, at one point. Grieving the life he has wasted. Grieving when I see that he's doing the same thing he did when we were married -- drinking and attracting women attracted to a victim mentality.
I don't regret leaving. I'm sorry it happened the way it did. We would never have parted as friends -- regardless of how I left him, I would have been the bad guy and he would have been the victim -- but I'm sorry we parted in a way that leaves me, still, frightened of him.
I know this man. I know the hurt, sad, little boy inside him. My heart aches for him. My heart aches because I couldn't help him. My heart aches because he couldn't help himself. My heart aches because he tried, and he had people who surrounded him, AA-friends and a good sponsor who became a good friend, for a while. And it wasn't enough.
I'm in a new relationship, one that's a relationship between equals, with no addiction and no mental illness involved. And this is the one thing I can't talk to the new man in my life about. We've been friends for so long. He saw how my marriage changed me. He hates AXH for what he did to me. And it's good, because he doesn't let me forget; he doesn't let me sink into a pity that's risky for me -- he reminds me of panicked phone calls when I got death threats over the past two years; he reminds me of how my emotional and physical health was on the verge of breaking two years ago. And I love him for it. But it means he can never understand the grieving I'm going through right now. So I'm grieving alone. Which is OK. Because there really isn't another way, is there?
It feels like an unpleasant medical treatment that will make me better. I know I have to go through it. But I don't have to like it.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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I heard once, it will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
You are better off now. You will be at peace with everything when you are done grieving, and it may take a while, but at least you are going through it and not bottling it up where it can do you harm in the long run.
You are better off now. You will be at peace with everything when you are done grieving, and it may take a while, but at least you are going through it and not bottling it up where it can do you harm in the long run.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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April has been a tricky month for me. There are a lot of important memories in April. I met, and married my ex in April (different years). The same year we married though, also in April I realized I had a husband with an alcohol problem. Finally many years later I found out about the affair in April.
Last year April was not a big deal...this April I have been preparing for since the first week in March. I am unsure what it is about the second year, but for me it feels like the denial (and the muddling through) is over....as a result the feeling, and hopefully healing are all here.
I have not focused on it exclusively, but I am getting some relief from The Grief Recovery Handbook (many places have a 13 week class around the book also). I don't agree with all of it, but many of the exercises have been a huge help. It has also helped me to see what things in my past I have dealt with and the pieces I have not (mainly my relationship with my ex).
I want to say that though I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now, I think you are brave for recognizing what is going on. Recognizing and then acknowledging it so you can work on it....instead of stuffing some more.
Last year April was not a big deal...this April I have been preparing for since the first week in March. I am unsure what it is about the second year, but for me it feels like the denial (and the muddling through) is over....as a result the feeling, and hopefully healing are all here.
I have not focused on it exclusively, but I am getting some relief from The Grief Recovery Handbook (many places have a 13 week class around the book also). I don't agree with all of it, but many of the exercises have been a huge help. It has also helped me to see what things in my past I have dealt with and the pieces I have not (mainly my relationship with my ex).
I want to say that though I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now, I think you are brave for recognizing what is going on. Recognizing and then acknowledging it so you can work on it....instead of stuffing some more.
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Thank you all. 
It's OK. I'm working through it and it's OK that I don't like it.
I had the joy to work with a Buddhist for a few years, and he taught me a lot about letting feelings be. Letting them just flow through you, even the unpleasant ones, recognizing them for what they are, and realizing that while you're feeling them, you are not obligated to act in any certain way just because of it. It was the most helpful thing anyone has told me outside of SR and Al-Anon.
So I'm letting the feelings be what they are, and I cry when I need to and laugh when I need to. And you're right: It will be alright in the end.
It's OK. I'm working through it and it's OK that I don't like it. I had the joy to work with a Buddhist for a few years, and he taught me a lot about letting feelings be. Letting them just flow through you, even the unpleasant ones, recognizing them for what they are, and realizing that while you're feeling them, you are not obligated to act in any certain way just because of it. It was the most helpful thing anyone has told me outside of SR and Al-Anon.
So I'm letting the feelings be what they are, and I cry when I need to and laugh when I need to. And you're right: It will be alright in the end.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I know how you feel about the ache for your husband. Knowing them as a human being and a friend, and having the pain of accepting that you can do nothing to stop the ravages of alcoholism. It is all so sad, but in order to save ourselves, we have to let go.
I'm glad that you are enjoying your life and having new adventures. You are a true inspiration! Enjoy your new man, live it up. Life is good when we are healthy!
I'm glad that you are enjoying your life and having new adventures. You are a true inspiration! Enjoy your new man, live it up. Life is good when we are healthy!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Congratulations lillamy, we are walking together.
I had a nightmare yesterday about XABF, for me it has been 3 years. I got upset about it then I let it go and realized dreams are ways of letting go as well. In the dream I was writing a note to XABF telling him I had to leave and that I was at peace with him. Still got a long way to go but its my opinion we are always grieving, an experience or a stage of life or a concept.... dealing with constant loss is part of our human condition it seems.
I also felt wiser... feeling the need to cry and crying (unrelated to the nightmare). It was fine afterwards.
This too shall pass.. life ends soon enough, better get busy focusing on the joy and victories today.
I had a nightmare yesterday about XABF, for me it has been 3 years. I got upset about it then I let it go and realized dreams are ways of letting go as well. In the dream I was writing a note to XABF telling him I had to leave and that I was at peace with him. Still got a long way to go but its my opinion we are always grieving, an experience or a stage of life or a concept.... dealing with constant loss is part of our human condition it seems.
I also felt wiser... feeling the need to cry and crying (unrelated to the nightmare). It was fine afterwards.
This too shall pass.. life ends soon enough, better get busy focusing on the joy and victories today.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
You pretty much told my story. I have been divorced four and a half years. I recently heard XAH was in the hospitol with gout, forced into detox, didn't drink for two weeks and is now back "at it".......It is so sad, but I am grateful I am off the merry-go-round of addiction. Let go or be dragged.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Thanks for sharing this Lillamy. I needed to hear your words of wisdom this morning.
Having a hard time with some things myself...and letting my emotions be without acting on them is a crucial thing to remember.
Secondly, after all you have been through, to sit on the other side like you do in peace and serenity is inspiring!
Having a hard time with some things myself...and letting my emotions be without acting on them is a crucial thing to remember.
Secondly, after all you have been through, to sit on the other side like you do in peace and serenity is inspiring!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
So I'm grieving alone. Which is OK. Because there really isn't another way, is there?
Emotions pass. It took years for me to understand that everything passes. It's all a process that will go on while I continue to draw breath. It's progress, not perfection.
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Al-Anon helps a lot -- but this place does, too. As does my therapist (whom I'm seeing on... Tuesday!).
My Al-Anon group has a huge membership that circulates, but there, I'm mostly surrounded by people who have chosen to stay with their A and are showing a tremendous amount of grace living with alcoholism in their lives and still living rich lives. There aren't many like me, who left and are still going to meetings. It seems many of the ones that do also stop going to meetings.
But I do have that here -- people who left and are aware that it's a process, and that it's one that will continue long after the divorce documents are signed. I try to see it not only as "recovery FROM" something but also as "recovery to a richer, more authentic life"...
My Al-Anon group has a huge membership that circulates, but there, I'm mostly surrounded by people who have chosen to stay with their A and are showing a tremendous amount of grace living with alcoholism in their lives and still living rich lives. There aren't many like me, who left and are still going to meetings. It seems many of the ones that do also stop going to meetings.
But I do have that here -- people who left and are aware that it's a process, and that it's one that will continue long after the divorce documents are signed. I try to see it not only as "recovery FROM" something but also as "recovery to a richer, more authentic life"...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
Alot of our stories are the same, the twenty years, the thing about no one to bring back those good memories with etc. only mine died. I started feeling the grief a few months before he died as I knew it was only a matter of time...I don't know how you do it putting it off, I am coming up on one year without him and have cried a river. I'm wondering when I can shut it off and move on now..I'm glad I didn't delay (or couldn't delay). I know what you mean about being busy. I keep as busy as can be too. I hope he gets sober some day for his children so they don't have to see him die of his disease like our boys did. that was too much, really too much. I hope you can be happy again as you well deserve to be and am glad there is this place for us to come together to talk about all this stuff...makes it easier somehow. m
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Lovely thread, so much serenity, thanx everybody.
wow, that is _exactly_ the way I felt. It's been a few years for me, but every once in a while I get a small pang of exactly those same feelings. The details of my story are different than yours, but the feelings sound identical.
I've never met anybody that can _fully_ understand my grieving in the way that I feel it. Nor can I understand theirs. That's not why I need people in my life, not to understand my grieving but to support me while I deal with it. People who _accept_ that I am grieving, and who in turn I will support when they have some of their own.
Sounds to me like you have found a rare treasure, somebody that accepts you just the way you are without having to understand you.
I think there are many things in life that I have to do by myself. Especially the painful ones. Like some kind of "spiritual excercise". I need cheer-leaders and coaches, but if I want to grow spiritually I have to do the hard work by myself.
Yes, I like that analogy as well. And no, I don't like the "treatment" at all.
Thank you for sharing, it's good to know there are other "patients" in this "hospital"
Mike
Originally Posted by lillamy 
... And now, they're beginning to crawl out of the box. And it's unpleasant. I'm grieving, finally -- grieving the 20 years I spent trying to get my AH to sober up. Grieving all the memories I have nobody to share with,...
Originally Posted by lillamy
... But it means he can never understand the grieving I'm going through right now. So I'm grieving alone. Which is OK. Because there really isn't another way, is there?...
Sounds to me like you have found a rare treasure, somebody that accepts you just the way you are without having to understand you.
I think there are many things in life that I have to do by myself. Especially the painful ones. Like some kind of "spiritual excercise". I need cheer-leaders and coaches, but if I want to grow spiritually I have to do the hard work by myself.
Originally Posted by lillamy
... It feels like an unpleasant medical treatment that will make me better. I know I have to go through it. But I don't have to like it....
Thank you for sharing, it's good to know there are other "patients" in this "hospital"
Mike
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I love this thread. Some moments I already feel my recovery and I am SO GRATEFUL-many thanks can keep being difficult but now there is a place within full of peace where I can truly rest, stop struggling and relax and BE without self judgments. Priceless.
Also, I know I will never, EVER feel so alone anymore. Priceless as well!
Hope everyone is having a great evening! I am...
Also, I know I will never, EVER feel so alone anymore. Priceless as well!
Hope everyone is having a great evening! I am...
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: SERENITY
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I know this man. I know the hurt, sad, little boy inside him.
I know exactly how you feel. Its the "could of been this way or could of been that way" is what I grieve. LIke you, I know his heart when he would open to me. My AH had great AA friends and great sponser as well.
I know exactly how you feel. Its the "could of been this way or could of been that way" is what I grieve. LIke you, I know his heart when he would open to me. My AH had great AA friends and great sponser as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Originally Posted by lillamy
Al-Anon helps a lot -- but this place does, too. As does my therapist (whom I'm seeing on... Tuesday!).
My Al-Anon group has a huge membership that circulates, but there, I'm mostly surrounded by people who have chosen to stay with their A and are showing a tremendous amount of grace living with alcoholism in their lives and still living rich lives. There aren't many like me, who left and are still going to meetings. It seems many of the ones that do also stop going to meetings.
But I do have that here -- people who left and are aware that it's a process, and that it's one that will continue long after the divorce documents are signed. I try to see it not only as "recovery FROM" something but also as "recovery to a richer, more authentic life"...
My Al-Anon group has a huge membership that circulates, but there, I'm mostly surrounded by people who have chosen to stay with their A and are showing a tremendous amount of grace living with alcoholism in their lives and still living rich lives. There aren't many like me, who left and are still going to meetings. It seems many of the ones that do also stop going to meetings.
But I do have that here -- people who left and are aware that it's a process, and that it's one that will continue long after the divorce documents are signed. I try to see it not only as "recovery FROM" something but also as "recovery to a richer, more authentic life"...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
But I've done that thing we do so well, us codies -- I've stashed away all the emotions and focused on putting one foot in front of the other and getting things done. I've had moments of freakouts, but mainly, I've postponed dealing with my emotions because I don't have time. I've joked that I've scheduled a breakdown for May 16, 2016, for fifteen minutes.
Separate from that though I just wanted to say that I have loved reading your posts since I started here and look up to you. You've been so incredibly strong for yourself and your kids and to read this post and see how far you have come gives me hope for myself.
Have you tried opening up to your bf? Maybe he wants to be there for you... Have you opened up to him about any of what you're struggling with or is it too weird to talk to a new relationship about an old one?
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