Feeling confused and alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3
Feeling confused and alone
Recently during an argument with my RA girlfriend, i camd to the conclusion that i have issues such as blaming other people, mostly her, for my problems, getting jealous whenever she goes out, feeling she doesn't like me anymore, worried she will leave me for somebody else more exciting, not able to give straight answers about how or what I'm feeling, etc... After having reached this conclusion i remembered a previous argument where she mentioned Al-Anon as something i should go to. I looked it up but was put off because it keeps mentioning how your life has been affected by alcohol, will i have never known my RAG to drink, never seen her drink and to new honest don't want to.
That is when i came upon this site and the post that goes through signs of codependent people. Wow! It was as if they were writing about me,i have always known i was kind of different. Always had problems explaining how i feel and bringing up issues i had, i don't know if its because i feel as if its not important, who cares, quit being a baby, or what? Later that evening after the kids went to bed and yet another argument that ended with new playing the martyr, i finally got the courage or more accurately, angry enough to bring up my discovery with my codependency.
As i struggled to say the words, huge amounts of emotion came rolling out, i was surprised i could even talk. When i gathered the courage to look at her she had this huge smile, even as the tears were running down her cheeks. I asked her why she was smiling when i just admitted to having a problem, she said our was a good thing that i admitted to it. Since then i have been to a couple Al-Anon meetings, to see what group fits me the best.
Anyway im not sure why but i feel more distant between its and even more confused and alone than before. I'm not sure what i can talk to her about. I don't know what i expected to happen, since admitting you have a problem is only the first step and its not like anything has really changed. These past couple of weeks have been really hard on me as i feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life. I work full time, we have 2 kids, she's 2 and 3, I'm taking a full load of colleges courses online and then I'm trying to figure out "ME". I am on the verge of not passing College Algebra with a C, which she has known about for a while now. I told her that i understood its a waste of money to have to retake the class, but I'm just not grasping out, so I'm going to need extra time at night to just go over it. She wanted me to talk to the professors to see if there was anything i could do, so i did email them. So long story short she gets mad after asking if i heard anything back yet, which i hadn't, she said she its mad that I'm not doing anything to try and figure it out, that i might as well give up then and she said she can see later on in my school program that when it gets hard I'm going to just quit. I asked her if she knows and understands everything that i am doing and that i am feeling overwhelmed and where is the understanding and compassion? She said she doesn't have any for something when i don't do everything i can to pass this math class. I don't think she understands I'm doing everything i can to hold my classes together for these last couple weeks, deal with all these new emotions that I've never dealt with before and go to work and try to not let all of that get to me so i can do my job. So i went for a walk, when i came back she was reading a book in bed, so i finished my homework, that i should have been doing instead of arguing. After that i spent an hour crying at the computer thinking that this isn't going to work, which led me to think about the effect that would have on our kids. I don't know what to do, am i overacting? Am i seeing it wrong? Am i to blame?
That is when i came upon this site and the post that goes through signs of codependent people. Wow! It was as if they were writing about me,i have always known i was kind of different. Always had problems explaining how i feel and bringing up issues i had, i don't know if its because i feel as if its not important, who cares, quit being a baby, or what? Later that evening after the kids went to bed and yet another argument that ended with new playing the martyr, i finally got the courage or more accurately, angry enough to bring up my discovery with my codependency.
As i struggled to say the words, huge amounts of emotion came rolling out, i was surprised i could even talk. When i gathered the courage to look at her she had this huge smile, even as the tears were running down her cheeks. I asked her why she was smiling when i just admitted to having a problem, she said our was a good thing that i admitted to it. Since then i have been to a couple Al-Anon meetings, to see what group fits me the best.
Anyway im not sure why but i feel more distant between its and even more confused and alone than before. I'm not sure what i can talk to her about. I don't know what i expected to happen, since admitting you have a problem is only the first step and its not like anything has really changed. These past couple of weeks have been really hard on me as i feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life. I work full time, we have 2 kids, she's 2 and 3, I'm taking a full load of colleges courses online and then I'm trying to figure out "ME". I am on the verge of not passing College Algebra with a C, which she has known about for a while now. I told her that i understood its a waste of money to have to retake the class, but I'm just not grasping out, so I'm going to need extra time at night to just go over it. She wanted me to talk to the professors to see if there was anything i could do, so i did email them. So long story short she gets mad after asking if i heard anything back yet, which i hadn't, she said she its mad that I'm not doing anything to try and figure it out, that i might as well give up then and she said she can see later on in my school program that when it gets hard I'm going to just quit. I asked her if she knows and understands everything that i am doing and that i am feeling overwhelmed and where is the understanding and compassion? She said she doesn't have any for something when i don't do everything i can to pass this math class. I don't think she understands I'm doing everything i can to hold my classes together for these last couple weeks, deal with all these new emotions that I've never dealt with before and go to work and try to not let all of that get to me so i can do my job. So i went for a walk, when i came back she was reading a book in bed, so i finished my homework, that i should have been doing instead of arguing. After that i spent an hour crying at the computer thinking that this isn't going to work, which led me to think about the effect that would have on our kids. I don't know what to do, am i overacting? Am i seeing it wrong? Am i to blame?
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Hey there...wow...you are just a tangled twisted bundle of nerve endings! I personally would suggest prioritizing your concerns. I believe if you focus more on the important things in your life...ie...children, school, yourself...you will realize that who is right or wrong in this confusion is of zero importance. You need to relax and breathe and care for yourself. Good love...mags
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 51
Wow, I would add "Overwhelmed" to "confused and alone". You do have a very very very full plate. I agree with Steelmagnolia, prioritize and focus.
It is fabulous that you have realized you have a codependency issue, it's a huge first step and one so many never reach. It also looks positive that your RAG is happy that you've realized it and can start looking at it, but I also think she was a bit thoughtless in yelling at you about the math class.
It's not the end of the world, it's just a stumble. You have just entered your first stage of trying to heal your codependency. Talk to her about her experience when she was first struggling with her sobriety. In almost anyone grappling in the first stages of recovering from any major psych issue, be it addiction or codependency, to PTSD, which was my case, your life almost HAS to change in order for you to continue without imploding.
I was going strong in the starving artist theater world back when I was 27, taking the world by the horns and ready to rock. After years of trying, I'd made it to the third string of a major NYC improv group and I was working so dang hard. My personal life got turned upside down when I had sort of a nervous breakdown because there was too much pressure on my from other sources as well, my folks were divorcing, my dad had just come out of the closet and my mom was going nutzoid over it (understandably). I was in a horrific work situation and was hospitalized after I tried to kill myself because I just couldn't do it all, all at once.
I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD (makes sense that it was stress that brought me down, that IS what the S is for). After a few months of getting into it with my first therapist, I had to give up the one thing I had worked so hard to achieve, that improv group. It was really hard to hone my craft and be funny on the spot, an extremely intellectual thing and also delve into the depths of my psyche in the same life. How do you go from a quivering mass of jello in the afternoon to "Something Wonderful Right Away" when the lights go on? So I dropped out of the group and did temp work when I could while I hammered out my Sturm Und Drang in therapy.
It was really hard to leave the group, but once I got my life back on track I went back to the improv and now am a co-director of a long standing local group and for a few years taught acting and improv at a local college (a job I had to leave because, again, the stress). My improv is better than ever and still my biggest joy. Yeah, I had to drop it, but now I'm back and better than ever.
Look at your life - it looks like the only thing that is sort of optional is the math class - so you lose the money of having taken the course (unless it's not too late to drop it and get some sort of refund). Better to have an "Incomplete" on your record than a Failure. On the other hand, it's almost May. Maybe you can struggle through the rest of the semester, but then I would take a leave from college courses and focus on the stuff that is 'permanent' - your brain, your significant other, your children, getting food on the table and paying the rent.
Ask your RAG for advice on how to juggle all the outside life things (work, school, home) without losing hold of your inner confusion. It's baby steps for everyone.
College will still be there.
Hold onto the family.
Hold onto the home.
It is fabulous that you have realized you have a codependency issue, it's a huge first step and one so many never reach. It also looks positive that your RAG is happy that you've realized it and can start looking at it, but I also think she was a bit thoughtless in yelling at you about the math class.
It's not the end of the world, it's just a stumble. You have just entered your first stage of trying to heal your codependency. Talk to her about her experience when she was first struggling with her sobriety. In almost anyone grappling in the first stages of recovering from any major psych issue, be it addiction or codependency, to PTSD, which was my case, your life almost HAS to change in order for you to continue without imploding.
I was going strong in the starving artist theater world back when I was 27, taking the world by the horns and ready to rock. After years of trying, I'd made it to the third string of a major NYC improv group and I was working so dang hard. My personal life got turned upside down when I had sort of a nervous breakdown because there was too much pressure on my from other sources as well, my folks were divorcing, my dad had just come out of the closet and my mom was going nutzoid over it (understandably). I was in a horrific work situation and was hospitalized after I tried to kill myself because I just couldn't do it all, all at once.
I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD (makes sense that it was stress that brought me down, that IS what the S is for). After a few months of getting into it with my first therapist, I had to give up the one thing I had worked so hard to achieve, that improv group. It was really hard to hone my craft and be funny on the spot, an extremely intellectual thing and also delve into the depths of my psyche in the same life. How do you go from a quivering mass of jello in the afternoon to "Something Wonderful Right Away" when the lights go on? So I dropped out of the group and did temp work when I could while I hammered out my Sturm Und Drang in therapy.
It was really hard to leave the group, but once I got my life back on track I went back to the improv and now am a co-director of a long standing local group and for a few years taught acting and improv at a local college (a job I had to leave because, again, the stress). My improv is better than ever and still my biggest joy. Yeah, I had to drop it, but now I'm back and better than ever.
Look at your life - it looks like the only thing that is sort of optional is the math class - so you lose the money of having taken the course (unless it's not too late to drop it and get some sort of refund). Better to have an "Incomplete" on your record than a Failure. On the other hand, it's almost May. Maybe you can struggle through the rest of the semester, but then I would take a leave from college courses and focus on the stuff that is 'permanent' - your brain, your significant other, your children, getting food on the table and paying the rent.
Ask your RAG for advice on how to juggle all the outside life things (work, school, home) without losing hold of your inner confusion. It's baby steps for everyone.
College will still be there.
Hold onto the family.
Hold onto the home.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
And a warm welcome from a fellow student. I am finishing up my degree at an advanced age (47) and I work full time plus have two kids still at home with me. I also decided to start a relationship last year. So I can truly relate to having lots of responsibilities and deadlines.
I also struggled with me College Algebra class. I was so happy to pass with a 67. Because that was a pass not fail, right? But my advisor wasn't as excited. I learned I needed a 70 or higher to earn credit towards my degree. UGH! I don't have time for do-overs!
But Do-over I did. I took it during the summer, and I took it with a different instructor, and I chose to do it face-to-face so I could learn to use the graphing calculator (those creatures were not invented when I was in high school and earlier college classes). I did it. I passed with a B.
I encourage you to keep to your schedules, keep yourself organized and schedule yourself about 10-20 minutes of "freak-out" time when needed. Some days I might need to pound the pavement and stomp out some issues while getting exercise. Some days I might plug in some ear buds and turn up some crazy music. Whatever I need to do to move onto the next step, I give myself what I need - with limits.
I also try to work extra hard and give myself a day to play.
Please stick around, read and post as much as needed. We also have a daily forum page for us Codependents to receive ES&H as needed. (Experience, Strength and Hope) The Codependents page features daily reading from one of Melody Beatties books. Here is a link to the Codependents Daily Thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-23-a.html
And a warm welcome from a fellow student. I am finishing up my degree at an advanced age (47) and I work full time plus have two kids still at home with me. I also decided to start a relationship last year. So I can truly relate to having lots of responsibilities and deadlines.
I also struggled with me College Algebra class. I was so happy to pass with a 67. Because that was a pass not fail, right? But my advisor wasn't as excited. I learned I needed a 70 or higher to earn credit towards my degree. UGH! I don't have time for do-overs!
But Do-over I did. I took it during the summer, and I took it with a different instructor, and I chose to do it face-to-face so I could learn to use the graphing calculator (those creatures were not invented when I was in high school and earlier college classes). I did it. I passed with a B.
I encourage you to keep to your schedules, keep yourself organized and schedule yourself about 10-20 minutes of "freak-out" time when needed. Some days I might need to pound the pavement and stomp out some issues while getting exercise. Some days I might plug in some ear buds and turn up some crazy music. Whatever I need to do to move onto the next step, I give myself what I need - with limits.
I also try to work extra hard and give myself a day to play.
Please stick around, read and post as much as needed. We also have a daily forum page for us Codependents to receive ES&H as needed. (Experience, Strength and Hope) The Codependents page features daily reading from one of Melody Beatties books. Here is a link to the Codependents Daily Thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-23-a.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Big hugs, first of all. You've taken a huge step, recognizing yourself in other codies and checking out Al-Anon meetings.
I, too, felt distant when I started going to Al-Anon and working on myself. It's hard work. Sometimes, I think we have an easier time recognizing that recovery is hard work for addicts than we have recognizing how hard it is for us codies. But it is. Tough, hard, intense, painful, and rewarding work.
I would not have gotten through four years of Al-Anon and two more years of recovery post-leaving my alcoholic marriage without logging some serious hours on the running trails. Burning off some energy but also, and mainly, doing something that gave my mind a break for a while. For some, it's hard exercise (I'm one of those), for others it's yoga or meditation...
Don't forget to take deep breaths and be good to yourself.
I, too, felt distant when I started going to Al-Anon and working on myself. It's hard work. Sometimes, I think we have an easier time recognizing that recovery is hard work for addicts than we have recognizing how hard it is for us codies. But it is. Tough, hard, intense, painful, and rewarding work.
I would not have gotten through four years of Al-Anon and two more years of recovery post-leaving my alcoholic marriage without logging some serious hours on the running trails. Burning off some energy but also, and mainly, doing something that gave my mind a break for a while. For some, it's hard exercise (I'm one of those), for others it's yoga or meditation...
Don't forget to take deep breaths and be good to yourself.
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