Wow, I didn't do it!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Wow, I didn't do it!
Brief background: my AH got a DUI back in February, he swore off drinking forever. Yet, I found some hidden liquor in his office when I was looking for something for my son's school project. I was livid, but honestly not surprised. I was filled with this codependent feeling to confront him, to 'accidentally' pull the bottle out in front of him, make him feel shamed, etc. How do you trust someone who swears off drinking, doesn't work any kind of program, and still keeps hidden liquor? You don't.
But, I am really proud of myself. Yesterday, I had 3 positive sessions that made me really ask the question: how important is it? And, what is your real motivation here? First thing in the AM I met with a very good friend of mine and she felt that I should confront him, but she's never lived with addiction before. She did have a good idea about how to approach my AH with our calendars and how to set a few boundaries and I found that my talk with her was productive. I used the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach.
Then, I met with a new therapist. She is an addictions and codependency specialist and I really like her. She is way more proactive than my current counselor and even gave me homework, LOL!
Then, at the last minute after dinner I decided I needed to get to a meeting. My AH wasn't home so I patiently waited. My son had a friend spend the night and it was dinner time so I fed them instead of waiting for AH to get home. I set some food aside for AH and kept waiting, but didn't call him. He came home at the very last minute, which was weird because he didn't know beforehand that I wanted to go to a meeting. Anyway, he came in and told me he stopped and ate dinner elsewhere. I was kinda pissed at first because he could have called and told me he'd be missing dinner, he could have also called and told me why he was running late, but then I realized that he's trying to live his life like he's single.
He is losing his license for the month of May and keeps making comments about how he's going to approach this DUI stuff as a single person. I guess he's applying that to his last few days of freedom, too! It's weird how I feel like I'm not on his mind anymore, I feel like I don't matter, but then I try to put myself in his shoes: he's facing jail time, he's losing his license and freedom to drive for a month, he has no idea how this will affect his job and hasn't told his company yet, his father is probably going into hospice soon, and he has a wife who is working a recovery program called Al Anon and he feels threatened by it! Yes, he can't stand the fact that I'm going to Al Anon, he thinks everyone there will tell me to leave him. So, I almost feel sorry for him; he's insecure, has no self-esteem, doesn't like it when I set boundaries so it puts him on edge, and he's anxious and has no program or accountability group to turn to. Makes me sad for him. I refuse to make excuses for his behavior but I have learned to have a bit of compassion for him at this point despite my being angry about his hidden stash. Do I trust him? No. Do I still love him? Yes. Only time will tell how he will handle the DUI punishment and how he chooses to live HIS life. For me, I choose recovery!
But, I am really proud of myself. Yesterday, I had 3 positive sessions that made me really ask the question: how important is it? And, what is your real motivation here? First thing in the AM I met with a very good friend of mine and she felt that I should confront him, but she's never lived with addiction before. She did have a good idea about how to approach my AH with our calendars and how to set a few boundaries and I found that my talk with her was productive. I used the "take what you like and leave the rest" approach.
Then, I met with a new therapist. She is an addictions and codependency specialist and I really like her. She is way more proactive than my current counselor and even gave me homework, LOL!
Then, at the last minute after dinner I decided I needed to get to a meeting. My AH wasn't home so I patiently waited. My son had a friend spend the night and it was dinner time so I fed them instead of waiting for AH to get home. I set some food aside for AH and kept waiting, but didn't call him. He came home at the very last minute, which was weird because he didn't know beforehand that I wanted to go to a meeting. Anyway, he came in and told me he stopped and ate dinner elsewhere. I was kinda pissed at first because he could have called and told me he'd be missing dinner, he could have also called and told me why he was running late, but then I realized that he's trying to live his life like he's single.
He is losing his license for the month of May and keeps making comments about how he's going to approach this DUI stuff as a single person. I guess he's applying that to his last few days of freedom, too! It's weird how I feel like I'm not on his mind anymore, I feel like I don't matter, but then I try to put myself in his shoes: he's facing jail time, he's losing his license and freedom to drive for a month, he has no idea how this will affect his job and hasn't told his company yet, his father is probably going into hospice soon, and he has a wife who is working a recovery program called Al Anon and he feels threatened by it! Yes, he can't stand the fact that I'm going to Al Anon, he thinks everyone there will tell me to leave him. So, I almost feel sorry for him; he's insecure, has no self-esteem, doesn't like it when I set boundaries so it puts him on edge, and he's anxious and has no program or accountability group to turn to. Makes me sad for him. I refuse to make excuses for his behavior but I have learned to have a bit of compassion for him at this point despite my being angry about his hidden stash. Do I trust him? No. Do I still love him? Yes. Only time will tell how he will handle the DUI punishment and how he chooses to live HIS life. For me, I choose recovery!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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great response! or nonresponse 
I've only been going to Alanon for a matter of weeks, but I can tell that I'm going to have trouble with having compassion for my AH. I know we move through stages of recovery, and right now I'm in anger (and resentment.) I wish I could feel compassion -- it seems like that's a good place to be. Being able to be gentle with him, while focusing on YOU.
I've only been going to Alanon for a matter of weeks, but I can tell that I'm going to have trouble with having compassion for my AH. I know we move through stages of recovery, and right now I'm in anger (and resentment.) I wish I could feel compassion -- it seems like that's a good place to be. Being able to be gentle with him, while focusing on YOU.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by saljay 
great response! or nonresponse
I've only been going to Alanon for a matter of weeks, but I can tell that I'm going to have trouble with having compassion for my AH. I know we move through stages of recovery, and right now I'm in anger (and resentment.) I wish I could feel compassion -- it seems like that's a good place to be. Being able to be gentle with him, while focusing on YOU.
I've only been going to Alanon for a matter of weeks, but I can tell that I'm going to have trouble with having compassion for my AH. I know we move through stages of recovery, and right now I'm in anger (and resentment.) I wish I could feel compassion -- it seems like that's a good place to be. Being able to be gentle with him, while focusing on YOU.
Later today, I may not feel that compassion but I know now that feelings are fleeting and that they're not facts. And, I know that I can choose to start my day over at any time. All those things bring me peace and those things help to replace the anger with something positive. It's still there, it's just not taking up as much space in my heart and mind as it used to.
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