Krys

My abf and I were talking last weekend (we are trying to work on things but are no longer living together) and I really stood up for myself for the first time...or at least the first time I said anything clearly and with any kind of assertiveness. I told him I wasn't responsible for his addiction, I can't fix it, and nothing I would have tried would have made a difference. I also told him I would not call it anything other than what it is: an addiction. He hates that word, and thinks it's a label but I don't care, calling it anything else is just feeding the denial. Anyhoo he told me he was all in and was going to do what he needs to do to get better. 4 days go by and I don't hear from him. This is very unusual and I actually started to think that maybe he couldn't handle the new me and we would be breaking up for good. I will admit it was a little sad, but at the same time I felt a little excited about moving forward. I have been torn between giving him a second chance and moving forward to a life without addiction so I told myself I would give him 6 months to prove he is serious. When I got home on Thursday night I checked my email and Facebook to find that he and I are no longer friends on FB. I figured that was more proof that he was not interested in changing but I called him. Not only does he still have most of my stuff (I haven't found an apartment yet and since we are working on things I figured it was safe where it is) but if it is going to end I don't want to drag it out. He says he deleted his Facebook page and hasn't called because he needed time to think (thanks for telling me!lol). He says he needs to tell me something important and wants to do it in person. He insisted it was not bad, and that he doesn't want to end things...he doesn't need to come up with an excuse to meet up, we had plans to do that anyway so why be cryptic? He refused to tell me over the phone. Is this just more mind games? Sorry for the rambling, I can't make sense of it either. lol

RedCandle

SAME THING here Krys!

In the BEGINNING it was a lot of "whatever it takes"...then "screw you's"...disappearing.

Looking back, I see that a lot of his promises where desperate attempts to get me to move back or forget. It never worked.

All that Facebook and phone call nonsense...I've been there.

All I can tell you is that in my experience, he was foundering for ANYTHING to do or say that would get me to react in HIS preference. I would recommend you sit STILL...sit TIGHT...and don't jump in (respond) to the fast, wild swings of the pendulum.

I know its heartbreak right now...but the waves will settle down. Just don't make sure you drown in the process!

changeschoices

I know how you feel. I broke it off with my AXBF two weeks ago and had him move out. This week, he emailed me saying he wants to talk about our relationship b/c we need to "process it". Although I told him I didn't think it would be productive to talk, it still stings that he has not emailed me back in three days. Of course, he may be completely drunk, lol!

When they say they want to talk and all that, you have to try not to react. Because either they are winding you up to reel you back in, or they are winding you up to throw you back in the water again. Either way, they want to have the control. When they disappear for a few days, they're hoping you're sitting around wondering why, or they honestly just don't care what effect it has on you. Either way, YOU have your personal power.

Just keep busy doing other things so you don't obsess (too much!).

Krys

Thanks guys, SR has really been a God send for me these last few weeks. Hearing what you have all been through is like getting getting a glimpse of the future, and it really helps keep me strong. I am getting better with the obsessing and reacting bit, but I can't help being a little nervous about what he wants to talk about. Honestly I know I will be fine if it all comes to an end, sad, but fine. I refuse to go back no matter what he says, actions speak louder than words and I won't even consider going back until I feel he truly understands himself, his addiction and what he put me through. Even then, I need to see him truly in recovery, not just going through the motions. Manipulation won't work, my eyes are open now! lol. At this point if I see him tomorrow and get a whiff of manipulation I am afraid I am going to flip out on him! It's amazing what comes out of my mouth now that I feel comfortable speaking my mind. Before SR, therapy etc I was so afraid of losing him and so convinced that it was my fault that I kept quiet, now that I know I have a choice and deserve better I feel like my filter fell out and I have no control over what I say sometimes. lol

dollydo

All this FB stuff just adds another level to dysfunction...now it's a "new" manipulation venue...we are no longer friends, lovers, political advocates and/or whatever other labels we can place on the stratagy of interfacing on FB.

Tomorrow is just another day, focus on you, IMO there is no reason to listen to his BS..
you have given him all the power...might be time for you to take it back.

Do what is best for you.

marie1960

Seriously, he has something to tell you, but he is not ready!

WTH kind of stall tactic is that? Why even bring it up if he is not ready to discuss it ?

Sounds like he is stringing you along and you are taking his bait.

Krys

Thing is, I might be worried about it and wondering what the heck it is, but in the end if it is manipulation it is not going to work. I will listen, but ultimately I do know I have the power to walk away, which is something I never thought I had before. It's tough but I walked away once, I can do it again. Marie you may be right, he may have something to say that he isn't ready to share. Me calling him may have caught him off guard before he was ready. A stall tactic may be just what this is. Am I taking the bait if I am prepared to call him on it and not give in to his wants/needs? That is a serious question btw, not being sarcastic. It is possible that he thinks he has some control over this situation, and I guess he does in a way. We agreed to work on things and so I am giving him some room and some time, and the mind games might get him some attention in the short run, but not in the long run...in the long run I will stick to my guns. No improvement by the end of 6 months no relationship.

marie1960

Of course he thinks he is in control. Saying this without malice, but your track record has allowed him to think he is still in control. (Wink, Wink,) He doesn't understand that you are on to his Bullsh*t. I am sorry but it is all crap, and a manipulative game, that alkies are masters at.

I love how you are ready to take your life back. Whenever you are ready, please know we all have your back. You are a smart woman, I believe you will no longer allow his out of control drinking to rule your life.

I believe you are at that cross road. When you come to the fork in the road, TAKE IT. Hang in there, my friend

Krys

Thank you Marie, I know everyone here has been through the same thing...I am constantly amazed at how similar our stories are and how similar our addicts behavior and words are. lol. Every time I start to want to give up or give in I come here and remind myself of how it was just a few weeks ago. And of how it could be. My situation didn't get as out of control as some, but it's only because I didn't let it, I left. I love you guys, everyone here inspires me daily.