Quorra

Hi,

I'm new here and after reading a few posts I suddenly don't feel quite as alone in this. Not sure if AF (fiance) is the correct acronym for it but I'll use that in this post. AF is in denial about being an alcoholic even though everyone else around him, friends, co-workers and family know, and express to him that he is and that he needs help. I threatened to leave and break off the engagement unless he got help and he still refused. I decided to stay on the condition that he would stop drinking, and he did. For a while. Then it picked back up again and quickly spun out of control, without me knowing it. He would sneak out and drink while I was at work or otherwise not around him. I had no idea and no clue this was even going on. I feel hurt for being lied to and I feel stupid for not knowing this was going on behind my back. Once he finally admitted the truth, or at least what I hope is the complete truth - He told me this was going on for months and he never did fully stop drinking. But by the time he told me that it was too late. I found this out because he didn't come home one night. He got arrested and had to spend the night in the "drunk tank" as they call it, in the police station. I got a call from the police that they would be driving him home, I guess they wouldn't just "let him go", they have to give him to somebody if that makes sense (he was still quite intoxicated, even the day after). He was driving my car and totaled it and was still trying to drive it and I guess someone called the police or the police saw him and pulled him over. I still don't know the full story because AF doesn't remember what he hit with the car. I am thankful that he didn't kill somebody. Now I have no car and insurance wont cover any loss because AF was drinking. I believed he was sober. I would never let him drive had I known his intention was to drink. Perhaps it's my fault for lending my fiance my car in the first place, but I should have been able to trust him. I can't afford to buy a new car right now so AF buys one as a replacement. AF does not have a car of his own - it was totaled in an accident that was not AF's fault and hand nothing to do with drinking. Just bad luck.

So, the police charged him with with a DUI and he got a lawyer so he knows his rights. The lawyer suggested taking it to court so AF went along with it. By this time AF admitted that he was in wrong doing and should not have drove drunk. He still thinks he doesn't have a problem.

AF finds out that he is loosing his license and needs to have a breathalyzer installed in a car to get his license back and the government is forcing him to take a safe driving course. Since he lost his license and his job depends on him driving his job required him to be assessed by an addictions specialist to decide what action they should take.

The addictions specialist took blood samples and asked a bunch of questions to determine that AF is an alcoholic and recommends that he goes to out-patient treatment because AF has been sober since the accident/arrest.

AF finally admits he has a problem. It didn't seem to matter how many times his family or friends told him, he listens to a complete stranger (being a Dr) instead. He opens up to me about being arrested in the past for being drunk in public and getting two tickets for being caught drinking in public before we met. He also admitted to cleaning up bottles before I would come over back when we were dating and not living together and engaged. I had no idea he drank that much when we were dating. Had I known I would have walked away. Now I am emotionally invested and not so willing to give up easily. I believe he can get better and respect him for being honest with me. I feel a huge sense of relief and think that this is the road to recovery.

Only to find out two weeks later he relapsed. He asked a so called friend from work to drop him off at the bar. This friend knows about the DUI and problems with work, making him go through treatment to keep his job. I came home and he was acting weird. His eyes couldn't focus and he was off-balance. Even though he was clearly drunk he said he wasn't and that he didn't drink. I wasn't having any of it and slept on the couch.

The next morning he apologizes. I'm still upset he lied to me. He says he has a problem and is getting help and that things will get better.

Now I feel like I can't trust him and I'm constantly looking for signs in his body language if he's been drinking when I'm not around him (for example if I had a function to attend after work and he was alone). This is not the first trust issue. He has lied to me in the past about an online relationship with another woman.

His out-patient treatment starts next week, and he had his introduction interview..... I thought he was ready to quit drinking but when I saw him after the interview he was livid that the couselor called alcohol a "substance" and explained that the program takes a hollistic approach. He is livid that he will be brainwashed and will be forced to attend church. Then he kept making jokes about his "new druggie group friends" and how he hopes I don't mind them all coming over to the house. He thinks no one has faith in him because he still believes that he doesn't have a problem and can drink responsibly. After advice from my best friend and reading on this forum I know he is major denial.

I'm tired of being his emotional punching bag. He either can't talk about drinking -at all- or he blows up and then starts putting blame on other people like how he was born this way because of his family history with alcoholism and how its only a problem because he got arrested. The problem never seems to be his drinking, or him.

Is there something wrong with me for wanting to stay with him even with everything that has happened? I know I love him and want him to get better. I've lost friends over this. Some friends tell me I'm being a doormat, while the ones I have left (which are few) are supportive of me and understand why I stay. I believe that he is sick, and that this is the addiction and not him, and that he needs help and is getting help soon (next week) even though he is reluctant to do so.

I found Al-anon family meetings in my area and will be attending to get help for myself.

I have had bad relationships in the past and am afraid that I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I know I don't like how I feel right now.

I've looked up places to rent in case I need to get out as a backup plan (if he refuses to stay sober) and that makes me feel guilty, like I'm being deceitful or something. I'm questioning marrying him for sure. We haven't planned too much about when and where so it's not like there is a looming deadline for me to make a decision. I know that if he gets help and can stay sober that our relationship will be able to make it through this. I can't emotionally go through what I did that night he didn't come home. I also know I can't marry him if he wont get help and can't stay sober. I wont put myself through that. I can't, for my own sanity.

I feel soo upset right now. I've been depressed for weeks. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel numb..... and like i'm along for the ride weather I want to be or not because I'm so emotionally invested into this relationship.

I guess I'm mostly scared. I'm scared because of his reaction to the pre-treatment interview. My gut feeling tells me to run for the hills yet I can't.

Maybe the problem is partly me. I'm so glued to this idea of being married and having a family that I can't see reality anymore and I feel like I can't make good decisions for myself in this situation. How can I marry a man I don't trust? The truth is I can't. and that reality hurts.

I'm torn, hurt, upset, overwhelmed and I don't know what I should be doing and what is right for me.

I'm willing to see how his therapy goes and get counseling through al-anon family for myself.

One step at a time I guess....

Justfor1

He needs a heck of a lot more help than a "safe driving course" that the government is mandating. I never heard of car insurance refusing to pay out because the driver is drunk when the accident occurred though. It's true that he must have to admit that he has a alcohol problem to get better. But that's just the start. Him getting sober is a long & difficult process. The fact that he is still getting rides to the bar after the accident shows he is a real alcoholic. What if his friend couldn't of given him a ride? He may even drive without a license because alcoholics have a entitlement mentality. The best thing you can do for him is get help for yourself.

cfm

I'm an underwriter for a major insurance company. A person is NEVER covered if they are drunk.

Cyranoak

Alanon is your first step and good for you. It will help you understand yourself and why you think it's a good idea to marry a man like this instead of a man not like this.

If you think things are bad now, try to imagine a lifetime of hell that is ten times worse. That would be marriage to an alcoholic (been there done that).

Take care,

Cyranoak

marie1960

Welcome Quorra,

I am glad to hear that you are not in a big rush to marry this guy.

You aren't even married yet and you have all this on your plate. The lying and cheating are certainly enough of a "red flag". Presently, you are in a toxic situation. This is not a relationship, and this guy is not relationship material. He will not get better overnight. He has to make the commitment to stop. There is nothing you can say or do to help him. His disease, his choice. And there are no guarantees.

On top of that he totals your car, I can safely say there is a real good chance he has all the potential to put you in financial ruin. The writing is on the wall. He has shown you who he is, please believe him. You are officially onboard the crazy train. And I am sorry to say, without treatment it will only progress.

Take some time and educate yourself regarding addiction. I think it is the best gift you can give yourself.

Keep posting, and know you are not alone.

changeschoices

My AXBF and I were engaged; I broke it off two weeks ago. I have two children from my previous marriage and none with the A. I was going through so much of what you were--so many things in your post were the same. Over the past couple months, he'd started drinking and driving regularly, and he's already had 2 DUIS, so the next one means prison time, at least six months.

After his last bender when he didn't come home that night and I lay in bed wondering if he was dead or in jail, something just clicked. My children were fortunately never witness to his drunken behavior because he never drank around them. But I suddenly realized, if I married this guy, what would I tell my kids, friends, and family if he got arrested again and went to prison? What would I tell them if he killed himself in a drunken car wreck? What would I tell them if he got fired (he has missed tons of work due to his drinking)? What would I tell them if he drunk drove and killed someone?

Could I honestly face all the people in my life and say, "Sorry, but A is in prison/dead"? I could not.

I could not live that way. My kids deserve better. And I don't need to live a life of shame in front of my friends and family because I chose to be with an alcoholic. I don't need a man who's unemployed, in prison, or dead. I don't need to lose all of my social support because everyone is sick of hearing about my problems because I chose to be with an alcoholic.

Please, don't marry this man and have children with him! No children deserve an alcoholic parent. I am so very lucky that I did not marry my A or have kids with him. I can walk away easily. I have a friend right now whose alcoholic ex-husband has started driving drunk with their kids in the car. No child deserves that kind of life. Get out while you can, find out if you are susceptible to bad relationships, get support, and get the love you deserve. That way, you can look bad in ten years and say "Thank God I dodged that bullet!"

theuncertainty

Hi, Quorra. Good on you for seeing that you don't trust him and that that makes for a poor relationship base.

I can really relate to your statement about being glued to the idea of being married and having a family. It is one of the things that kept me with AXH for far longer than I should have been and way past when my higher power had shown me it was time to go.

I had to finally realize that how life was for DS (dear son) and I while living with AXH was pretty much how it was going to be if we stayed with AXH. And hiding in the back room while AXH drank until he either got belligerent or passed out was not what I saw in my mind when I thought "family."

I've accepted that I can still have that Family, it just won't include AXH.

Take gentle care of yourself. It's a big and painful realization to have made.