cmjames84

So I was engaged to an alcoholic and it has been 6 months exactly as of yesterday that I broke up with him. We now live in different states.

Why do I worry about him? Like why do I have to care? Before I was so bitter and at times, yes I still am. Why? Because he tries to diagnose me with mental illnesses to people I know instead of taking responsibility for anything he has done.

But anyways it is hard. Trying hard not to contact him. Any time I ever did it was trouble. It set me back triggered me. He'd build me up, bring me down, then build me up again.

I guess I just had to vent. I had to come back to this site because I realized not coming here didn't do me good. Even just to read things here. For support. For anything.


Does anyone ever get urges to talk to their exes or worry for them? I know I cannot fix him and I know I can never be with him again.

Maybe some of this makes sense. I am sorry it is almost 2:30am and my codependent self is sitting here hoping he is okay and in a weird sense missing him.

I need to stop idealizing and keep in mind how dysfunctional it all really was. Being away from it helps for sure.


Thanks to anyone who even reads this.

keepingmyjoy1

Hi cm...welcome back. I understand your feelings. I don't know why we keep on worrying, but we do. Somehow, coming here keeps me in reality, in the here and now. I stopped coming to this site for a few years and I am back and will not leave again. It sounds like you have done what you needed to do for you-Yay! If you can, go to alanon- it helps me stay grounded and not alone. Also, read read read. Find books that support you and help you to understand how to recover from codependence. I am dealing with myself in a total codie relapse so to speak and it ain't pretty! I am so glad you came back here...what a great place this is! Keep posting and reading. We are here for you.

Thumper

First - much strength being sent you way. Do not contact him right now. I don't imagine that would turn out well at all.

For me at least I care because I have a history with that person and not all of it was bad. A big part of my life was shared with him. I want the best for him. I want him to be happy and well. I am not ambiguous about a relationship with him though. I am done with that chapter and I've no desire to go back.

There is also a difference between worry and caring. Worry is something we do if we think we can or should change an out come. Worry is more obsessive. Caring is wanting the best for them. Sending up a good thought or a prayer if we know they are struggling. It is obligation free. Worrying makes me feel worse. Caring makes me feel human with no negative attached. I don't think I used to really know the difference, especially when it came to my xah. My xah was recently in an accident (not alcohol related) and got hurt and I genuinely care. I sent him a couple emails and I send up lots of prayers and positive vibes that he heals and gets through this difficult time. I don't worry though. I can feel the difference and it is so clear to me now.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, It empties today of its strength.

wicked

Thumper, this is way way cool. Going in my book of SR quotes!
big hug for this......
:ghug3

Beth

Beth

frstnm

I AM the addict / drunk. Al-anon has helped me greatly with stuff like that including the fact that I am a codependent and a rescuer. In the past I was an enabler. Detachment is a very powerful tool when we use it.

Tuffgirl

Grief is strange and not a straight line through it. You are grieving, even though what you did was best for you. Still hurts, ya know?

Having these feelings and thoughts are normal. It doesn't mean we have to act on each and every feeling and thought. Best to just come here and type it all out...get it out of your head so you can have some peace.

Take good care,
~T

cmjames84

Thank you so much everyone! Thumper, I love how you differentiated between worry and caring. Sometimes I do care and just say a prayer and it's fine I go about my day. Sometimes I go weeks not giving him a thought but then I would say I worry which is unhealthy.

Thanks so much everyone for the encouragement! I am trying to get to Celebrate Recovery here soon but transportation right now is not too good. I do keep in touch with the leader of the ladies co-dep group and it is SO helpful. I also have my counseling today with my pastor and that helps tremendously.

I am so glad to be back here and glad you all understand.

LifeRecovery

I just want to validate that in my experience the worrying was normal for some time afterwards.

I think for me it was part of the grief and also part of the fact that I did not know how to live without it and the break up forced me to look at that.

The worry has been replaced with anger (at the moment) but I know that I can work through that too. At least it does not want to make me contact him.....

LoveAffirmLive

Hi there,
Thanks for sharing- it helps me.

It's so cool!! to KNOW that codependency isn't healthy and health is number one, therefore codependency is off the menu..........it's another thing to start having a relationship with ONESELF. I must say I am a great catch for myself lol and myself is liking me so much more these days heh heh.

To answer your question/s- I don't get urges to talk to my ex.......anymore. Those urges affected my health (spiritual/ emotional/ physical) and I got to a point (after lots of soul searching) where my health was something that I actually came to value. I worry at times about estranged family members and at times it feels like the hardest job in the world!, but I pray for them and get some serenity going.

Take lots of care!

Luv, Nat.