Eotional blackmail

Old 04-26-2012, 07:04 PM
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Eotional blackmail

I told my spouse " I will not lie to anyone about your addiction anymore, nor will I cover it up." He is now in self-pity, trying to make me feel guilty for being honest with his Mother...who called ME while he was in the hospital all week. He did not have a heart attack he told me to tell everyone he did. But the surgeon asked me if he was withdrawing from amphetamines and I said Yes...did he not tell you,that? The surgeon said he did not, and that his spasms in his heart were caused by drug withdrawals...that he had not had a heart attack and his heart was strong. I did lie to his work buddy but that was before my alanon sponsor told me not to,do this anymore. Progress not perfection. Now my spouse is saying I am making his sobriety harder because I was honest with his Mother. I did not reply to this. I feel like I am going to throw up. I signed up for an apt. today but I have to live here another week. He has threatened suicide, burnt himself on purpose with a curling iron to make me feel bad for him. He is acting al wounded. I am not responsible for his bath salt addiction. I am not responsible for his health. He did this to himself...but somehow he is the wounded one. Does he ask me how I feel? I have been sleeping in the room at the hospital all week, fetching treats up and down the elevator, calling nurses to get him more morphine, and then I found out another big fat whopper of a lie. I am tapped out. I am nervous. I will go to a meeting. I am so tired. He manipulated me to come back from the hotel last week with lies and I fell for them. I am so gullible. But I have the courage with my higher power to remove myself from this 8 year marriage. I found a short term lease. I am not perfect either but I am worn out. I need to take care of myself better.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:08 PM
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Go home, get away from him for a night, go to sleep, and think about this in the morning. He will be alright while you are gone. You need a break, even if it is just a night.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:15 PM
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YAY for you!! Go Girl!
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Old 04-26-2012, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Windblown View Post
. I found a short term lease. I am not perfect either but I am worn out. I need to take care of myself better.
You *do* need to take care of yourself. I'm so glad you've found an apartment. The space will bring so much relief and give you the opportunity to clear your head and think.
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Old 04-26-2012, 10:02 PM
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(((Windblown))) - I've been where you are. I was so wrapped up in taking care of "him" that I turned to drugs and became an addict.

I got clean, but it was totally white-knuckling it. I started back to "dabbling" in my DOC - crack. I ended up relasping, and my XABF#3 (yeah, slow learner) told me that it didn't matter if I lost my car (my first effort at regaining my life) and that I could make enough money to support us (prositution). It was then that I truly felt "enough is enough".

I chose recovery, and that meant my "codie" recovery as well as my "addiction" recvovery. I had busted my a$$ to get a car and a job. I lost the job I had, but because I was such a good employee (while being in a diversion center, with a lot of restriction), I was allowed to work at another restaurant.

I clung to SR and I worked my recovery. My XABF#3 died...he was too busy smoking the crack pipe to be checked out and died of pneumonia.

I couldn't fix him, nor the other two XABF's. One is married to someone who is more of a doormat than I was, the other? I don't know. He'd had 2 heart attacks due to crack, and was still out there.

Remove yourself from his actions. Let him deal with his own concequences. If it weren't for the family/friends who let me know "I'm done, I can't fix you", I wouldn't be in recovery. It doesn't always work, but I know that I did the best I could do with my XABF#3. Yes, he died, but it wasn't MY fault, it was his addiction taking over, and that's always a possibility. It sucks, but it's reality. I should have died many times, but HP had other plans.

We can't change or cure an addict. The best we can do is take care of ourselves.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-27-2012, 02:40 AM
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It sounds like you have some great support at alanon and a good head on your shoulders despite the chaos around you. I agree with everyone else...and I am glad you got a short term lease so that you can sleep in peace. You will also be able to think more clearly the farther you get from him. Any chance you can stay in a hotel until you can move into you new place? Keep taking care of yourself...you deserve it.
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:15 AM
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Hello windblown,

I hope you have been able to get some rest. Please take good care of yourself. Sounds like his doctors know the whole story now, and so it's time for you to focus on you!

Many hugs, HG
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:36 AM
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Don't feel guilty for telling his mother. Toward the end of our relationship, I told my AXBF's mother about his binges and he was really upset. He told me he didn't want her to be upset, and then he'd call her and assure her that he was fine. He actually thought she believed him, too. My telling his mom what was going on was motivated by my refusal to live in denial anymore about his addiction.

He didn't want anyone else to know what was going on. I felt like I was trapped inside a jar with a tight lid on it, with no one except me and ABBF knowing what was going on in our life and how it was falling apart. I had to tell someone.

When you get to your apartment, I hope that you will have peace and calm to collect your thoughts and take care of yourself physically. Sleep helps a lot!

My decision to leave my ex two weeks ago was for many reasons, but one big one was that I was physically exhausted. I could feel myself getting physically sick.
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