New here. Confused in my situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
New here. Confused in my situation.
I joined because it seems like there are a lot of people with some really great insights here and it seems I am really confusing myself, so I wanted to ask those of you in the know.
I have been dating this wonderful man for over a year. He got divorced and left the mormon church not long before we met. He's in his early 30s and has never had alcohol before.
When we started dating, he seemed to be drinking a lot. He ended up getting a DUI. Shortly after that, I broke up with him because I felt like his drinking was out of control. We got back together because he significantly reduced his drinking. He told me that he was just excited because he had discovered this fun thing and didn't know how to control it yet.
Well, after his classes for his DUI, etc, he feels like he has his drinking right where it should be. He can quote for me exactly how many drinks he can have in a night and in a week to stay a "moderate" drinker. He is going to host a class for other new drinkers this weekend about how to know when you reach your limits, etc, and they are going to try drinks.
The problem is that I still think he has a problem. He says that it is only me. That no one else thinks he has a problem, even people who drink with him. He also says that I am "overreacting".
I drink, but I admit that I've always had a take-it-or-leave-it stance on alcohol. I've never really had a problem like this before. I dated one guy for a very short period who admitted he was an alcoholic and it was over, but otherwise, I have never been with someone where alcohol was such a focus.
He lies to me about his drinking, but he says that he just generally lies and that he only does it because I overrect. He also admits to being defensive about his alcohol use, but he has other issues as well. The biggest thing for me is that it is such a focus. He doesn't seem to drink a ton. He is no longer drinking 10 drinks an evening like before. He will have one or two, that I see. But, he talks about alcohol, decorates with alcohol stuff, says he wants to drink to relax, says he needs a drink to socialize, mentions alcohol in just about every context, loves nothing more than to talk about types of alcohol, shows little interest in a lot of things, but a lot of interest in alcohol. And it's the only thing he really fights with me about. And when I question him about alcohol, it seems like it almost always ends in a fight. (Can't deny my role in that too).
One of the big things for me is that I feel like he's choosing alcohol over me. I get hurt and upset about that. With everything else, if I feel hurt, he is so quick to reassure me and let me know how much he cares, but if I mention something like he wouldn't give up a drinking party for me or he prefers alcohol to me, he gets disgusted with me and angry. He has been very angry with me in the past that I would consider making him choose between alcohol and me. He says he hates ultimatums and will not make choices like that. So, I haven't asked, but the fights, the problems, the focus. I just see it getting worse. He has a DUI. I just...I don't know. Am I totally overreacting? Is he ok since he seems to be able to control the amount he drinks to a certain extent?
Thanks all!
I have been dating this wonderful man for over a year. He got divorced and left the mormon church not long before we met. He's in his early 30s and has never had alcohol before.
When we started dating, he seemed to be drinking a lot. He ended up getting a DUI. Shortly after that, I broke up with him because I felt like his drinking was out of control. We got back together because he significantly reduced his drinking. He told me that he was just excited because he had discovered this fun thing and didn't know how to control it yet.
Well, after his classes for his DUI, etc, he feels like he has his drinking right where it should be. He can quote for me exactly how many drinks he can have in a night and in a week to stay a "moderate" drinker. He is going to host a class for other new drinkers this weekend about how to know when you reach your limits, etc, and they are going to try drinks.
The problem is that I still think he has a problem. He says that it is only me. That no one else thinks he has a problem, even people who drink with him. He also says that I am "overreacting".
I drink, but I admit that I've always had a take-it-or-leave-it stance on alcohol. I've never really had a problem like this before. I dated one guy for a very short period who admitted he was an alcoholic and it was over, but otherwise, I have never been with someone where alcohol was such a focus.
He lies to me about his drinking, but he says that he just generally lies and that he only does it because I overrect. He also admits to being defensive about his alcohol use, but he has other issues as well. The biggest thing for me is that it is such a focus. He doesn't seem to drink a ton. He is no longer drinking 10 drinks an evening like before. He will have one or two, that I see. But, he talks about alcohol, decorates with alcohol stuff, says he wants to drink to relax, says he needs a drink to socialize, mentions alcohol in just about every context, loves nothing more than to talk about types of alcohol, shows little interest in a lot of things, but a lot of interest in alcohol. And it's the only thing he really fights with me about. And when I question him about alcohol, it seems like it almost always ends in a fight. (Can't deny my role in that too).
One of the big things for me is that I feel like he's choosing alcohol over me. I get hurt and upset about that. With everything else, if I feel hurt, he is so quick to reassure me and let me know how much he cares, but if I mention something like he wouldn't give up a drinking party for me or he prefers alcohol to me, he gets disgusted with me and angry. He has been very angry with me in the past that I would consider making him choose between alcohol and me. He says he hates ultimatums and will not make choices like that. So, I haven't asked, but the fights, the problems, the focus. I just see it getting worse. He has a DUI. I just...I don't know. Am I totally overreacting? Is he ok since he seems to be able to control the amount he drinks to a certain extent?
Thanks all!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
You say that his primary focus is alcohol. How, when, how much, and he is even making it a part of his decorating theme.
You, however, have a take it or leave it attitude towards alcohol.
What exactly do you two have in common these days?
To me, having a relationship with someone includes shared interests. My partner and I share an interest in outdoor adventures. Our shared interest strengthens our bond as we explore and learn together about new adventures.
Confusion is part of your title. I have been very confused in the past about situations. I have since learned to separate reality from fantasy and that helps clear up any confusion. I have a post-it note on my desk (been there for about 2 years) and it is a quote from one of our members. I will share it with you:
Posted by LaTeeDa:
"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all."
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
You say that his primary focus is alcohol. How, when, how much, and he is even making it a part of his decorating theme.
You, however, have a take it or leave it attitude towards alcohol.
What exactly do you two have in common these days?
To me, having a relationship with someone includes shared interests. My partner and I share an interest in outdoor adventures. Our shared interest strengthens our bond as we explore and learn together about new adventures.
Confusion is part of your title. I have been very confused in the past about situations. I have since learned to separate reality from fantasy and that helps clear up any confusion. I have a post-it note on my desk (been there for about 2 years) and it is a quote from one of our members. I will share it with you:
Posted by LaTeeDa:
"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking.
Reality is not very confusing at all."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by confused333 
He says he hates ultimatums and will not make choices like that.
Sometimes things change (financially and things like that) that can make it harder to just simply leave even if a person knows for a fact it's over. It seems to get only more complicated the longer one stays. And time flies by.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
To me, he sounds like an alcoholic, but I don't know, I have never met him, and don't want to judge him. However, when you feel like his situation is getting out of control, that is when you need to put your foot down.
Let's assume for the time being that he is an alcoholic. He is manipulating you into thinking that your thoughts about his drinking are wrong (they aren't), he is lying about his use (he is drinking more than you see or know about) and refuses to do ultimatums (because he doesn't want to have to choose you over the alcohol). Now is the best time for you to see what he is doing to you, before you get sucked in. Right at this time, you can see that he has a problem, alcoholic or not, and right this second, it is HIS problem. That is the way it should be. But like every other alcoholic, he is going to reel you in with his lies and schemes and manipulations, until his drinking becomes YOUR problem. Don't give him that power. Don't let him try to blame you for his issues.
I am not saying break up with him, because me personally, I have not completely left my ABF. As hard as it is, I can't do it, and I don't know why. Personally, the end is near, and we both know it, because he pushes me farther and farther toward the edge. And if someone would have told me a year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe it. I would have laughed in their face.
He has done so much to hurt me and treat me bad, and lie and steal and everything else, but I am smarter now, because I don't let him hurt me anymore. I know what he is all about. I know what is going on in his head, and I don't let it affect me. That is where you should be. If your gut instinct is telling you that there is something wrong, there probably is, and don't let him tell you any different. The very nature of alcoholism is the secretiveness of the whole thing. He will try to lie his way out of anything saying he has a problem. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But you know what is too much for you to handle, and that is what matters.
Let's assume for the time being that he is an alcoholic. He is manipulating you into thinking that your thoughts about his drinking are wrong (they aren't), he is lying about his use (he is drinking more than you see or know about) and refuses to do ultimatums (because he doesn't want to have to choose you over the alcohol). Now is the best time for you to see what he is doing to you, before you get sucked in. Right at this time, you can see that he has a problem, alcoholic or not, and right this second, it is HIS problem. That is the way it should be. But like every other alcoholic, he is going to reel you in with his lies and schemes and manipulations, until his drinking becomes YOUR problem. Don't give him that power. Don't let him try to blame you for his issues.
I am not saying break up with him, because me personally, I have not completely left my ABF. As hard as it is, I can't do it, and I don't know why. Personally, the end is near, and we both know it, because he pushes me farther and farther toward the edge. And if someone would have told me a year ago where I would be today, I wouldn't believe it. I would have laughed in their face.
He has done so much to hurt me and treat me bad, and lie and steal and everything else, but I am smarter now, because I don't let him hurt me anymore. I know what he is all about. I know what is going on in his head, and I don't let it affect me. That is where you should be. If your gut instinct is telling you that there is something wrong, there probably is, and don't let him tell you any different. The very nature of alcoholism is the secretiveness of the whole thing. He will try to lie his way out of anything saying he has a problem. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. But you know what is too much for you to handle, and that is what matters.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by choublak
what?
Thank you so much for the replies. I think I just don't want to see it. Seeing that it really is a problem means that I have to do something about it for me and I guess I don't want to do anything about it almost as much as he doesn't.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Originally Posted by confused333
Seeing that it really is a problem means that I have to do something about it for me and I guess I don't want to do anything about it almost as much as he doesn't.
You can still stay with him if you choose. It may help to get some boundaries in line with him, so he knows where you stand. That way, he knows exactly what you will and will not tolerate, what is too much for you, when you will leave.
It is completely your decision, and if you want to stay with him, do it. You are the only one who knows what is right here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by confused333
The decorating thing is that he has these posters of beer and whiskey, he has magnets on his fridge he madeout of mini-bottles, he has Guiness towels, Guiness and whiskey glasses, a collection of empty alcohol bottles along his shelves as decoration, artistic photos of drinks around. It's his "theme".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He is going to host a class for other new drinkers this weekend about how to know when you reach your limits, etc, and they are going to try drinks.
Huh???? Is this a community outreach program or something.
Seriously, translated, I am hosting a drinking class for drunks to get drunk.
Huh???? Is this a community outreach program or something.
Seriously, translated, I am hosting a drinking class for drunks to get drunk.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It doesn't matter if he has a drinking problem or not. What matters is you have a problem with his drinking. You frequently have fights over his drinking. He lies about his drinking (and apparently doesn't see any problem with lying in general).
He doesn't really sound like relationship material to me........
L
He doesn't really sound like relationship material to me........
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by confused333
he feels like he has his drinking right where it should be.
I think if you read the book: "Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism", you will no longer be confused.
Take care of yourself first.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
moderate drinking for a male is 2 drinks per night. This doesn't mean to wait until Saturday and to have 14, that's binge drinking, which is also called periodic drinking.
Find someone who has a real life that includes interests you have.
Peace,
Find someone who has a real life that includes interests you have.
Peace,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by confused333
The decorating thing is that he has these posters of beer and whiskey, he has magnets on his fridge he madeout of mini-bottles, he has Guiness towels, Guiness and whiskey glasses, a collection of empty alcohol bottles along his shelves as decoration, artistic photos of drinks around. It's his "theme".
Thank you so much for the replies. I think I just don't want to see it. Seeing that it really is a problem means that I have to do something about it for me and I guess I don't want to do anything about it almost as much as he doesn't.
Thank you so much for the replies. I think I just don't want to see it. Seeing that it really is a problem means that I have to do something about it for me and I guess I don't want to do anything about it almost as much as he doesn't.
You've gotten some great advice and input here on the boards. I can't tell you if you should leave this man, as I am still with my AH who just got his DUI and is still hiding his alcohol and still has his decorations up, too. I can tell you that Al Anon has helped me see things more clearly and is giving me hope that I am not alone and that I can make decisions for myself. Keep coming back and I hope you feel inclined to attend a face to face Al Anon meeting some time soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by gerryP
"I've been dating this wonderful man for over a year."
...He drinks, he just generally lies, he has a DUI, has other issues as well, shows little interest in alot of things....
What's wonderful about this man?
...He drinks, he just generally lies, he has a DUI, has other issues as well, shows little interest in alot of things....
What's wonderful about this man?
He truly is wonderful. Other than the alcohol issues, he is incredibly sweet, kind, generous to a fault. He is brilliant and it is wonderful to discuss ideas with him and get his unique perspective. He is incredibly talented, playing many instruments, able to do anything with a computer, a dancer, an artist. He's practical and comes up with innovative solutions to problems. He is handy and able to fix nearly anything. When invested in a project, his creativity and thought is impressive. He's attractive, engaging, funny, endearing, thoughtful. He has an ability to truly listen to what someone has to say and consider it that I have not seen in many people. Other than about drinking, he is one of the least defensive people I know. He's passionate and loving. Plus he makes the best pancakes ever.
There are real reasons that it is hard to make decisions like leaving a loving relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 235
You are right alot of us wouldn't have problems if it were that easy. I think you know the answer but are trying to convince yourself otherwise. Why knowingly put yourself in this lifestyle? I only wish I had these wonderful people and this website to help me before I got into this marriage and spent 15 years of my life in turmoil. You are right it is not all bad. There are good times. In the end, I am not the same person.
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