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posting here so i have to be accountable- a little OT

Old 04-25-2012, 08:16 AM
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posting here so i have to be accountable- a little OT

I haven't done anything I'll regret yet, but I have considered it and I know better. Call this my need to confess or something I guess. I figure if I talk about it here (already talked to my T and sponsor too and am still mulling it around in my mind) then there's no where I'm "hiding" this info from if that makes any sense.

Here's the story... It's not directly about AH but it relates to my codie issues and bad choices so I figure here's as good a place as any.

I became good friends with a guy I taught with for the past two years. Last Spring when I learned my job was cut I kind of pulled away from everyone I worked with and let a few friendships fall by the wayside. D was one of those. We kept in touch a bit during the summer then I just kind of dropped the ball and stopped being in touch but not for any really good reason. AH accused me repeatedly of having an affair with D which wasn't even remotely accurate, but the accusations kind of weighed on me and I felt like I was doing something wrong by spending time with him and that played into my losing contact a bit. I think in all honesty, D probably would have liked there to be a r/s but I made it clear that even when I did become fully single, I was in no position to be in a r/s and if friendship wasn't okay, then so be it. He was never inappropriate or pushy and I honestly don't know how much my squeamishness about the "approrpriateness" of the r/s had to do with AH-- my guess is a lot. I don't think it's a problem to have male friends but AH certainly made me believe it was a problem.

Anyway, fast fwd to last weekend. A former student's mom contacted me (she's a friend and was before I had her son) and asked if I'd come to a "support/encourage party" for her son who was struggling a bit with good choices. I like his mom and I adore her son (hands down my favorite student ever even though he was a challenge!) so I took the girls and went to their house. It was a family and friends low key get together and the girls and I had a nice time. After I'd been there for a bit, D arrived. He's one of T's (the student) teachers and I guess the mom had invited the teachers too (he goes to an alternative school btw).

Long story short, D and I chatted for a bit and I found myself realizing how much I liked chatting with him and had missed it. Since Sat he's been in touch about getting together and I am torn. I know that I will ultimately say no but I really don't want to. I will say no not bc I think there is a problem with a friendship but bc I do not trust myself one bit right now in the state I am in, to not make poor choices and let this become something more.

That would be a disaster for me emotionally, would be unfair to D and would surely be fodder for AH to use to show that I am a bad person in court.

But I can't shake the desire to want to see D and spend time with him even though I know it's a bad idea....

Sigh... The last thing I needed right now was any more struggle, drama etc... It's reallllllllllly tempting to say "well, I'll just get together with him as a friend and it'll be fine". I was attracted to him the second I saw him this weekend which took me by surprise bc in the time we spent together in the past I never saw him in a romantic light.

I suspect that I am probably less attracted to him than I am to the idea of someone who I know has been a good friend being a nice guy to me. I really really really wish I could turn my brain off.

If this crazy thinking is what A's deal with (knowing drinking is a bad idea and yet being unable to think of much else besides it) then I have a new found empathy for the struggle they deal with.

As things stand I have just told him it was great to see him and I'll have to see how things look schedule wise. He hasn't done anything to make me think that he is looking for more than friendship-- it's me that I don't trust.

Insert image of me banging my head against a wall here bc I'm annoyed with myself over all of this.

So, there's my confession. I'm human, I feel pulled in several emotional directions and know that I will make the sane choice but there's a part of me that doesn't want to.

I know all the reasons that would be a terrible idea and yet even though I've talked them through with my T and sponsor, the idea is still there.

Could I be a bigger freakin mess?!
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:26 AM
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LOL! Yes you could be in a bigger freakin mess...this is small potatoes here WTBH. Not to minimize your feelings about it but girl, you are human and like a boy. That's not the issue.

The real issue here is the current mess you are in, the safety of you and your girls, and would introducing this man to that be fair? Probably not. Not yet, at least.

Can you have a friendly relationship with him for now? Sure. Keep the attraction at bay...well he can be your fantasy man for a while...but until the ink is dry on the divorce papers and the crazy AH is off to harass other unsuspecting women, for this new man's sake and for yours, don't let him get dragged into anything. Not yet.

Your post makes me smile. It's ok to like other people, men included. Especially men who are kind, fun, and attractive. And at least you have a little brightness in your life right now, ya know? Enjoy the flirtation.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:29 AM
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Tuffgirl is spot on!
If chatting it up with him gives you some happiness then that's what you should do! Give yourself a break....you've been through a lot.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:41 AM
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Lol...I had to laugh because I've been in the same situation and I, too, didn't trust myself.

I still don't really trust myself because right now my emotions are all over the place and I'm scared to death that I will not be able to see the red flags and run and get tangled up with another addict of some sort. I also fear that I may become too cautious and see every male on the face of this planet as an addict of some sort who's just putting on a good front for the time being.

That whole scene scares me senseless...but hopefully it will all get better in time. I do have guy friends and I don't see where there is anything in the world with having guy friends. They know what I've been through and although a few of them would probably like to pursue a relationship with me in the long run...they know better right now. I just straight up tell them--I'm an emotional wreck, I've been put through hell, and all I simply want is some peace and quiet without having to worry about a man.

Nothing wrong with having some fun with the opposite sex on a friendly level...especially if it makes you happy!
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:59 AM
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I agree with anvil. Just because some guy may make you happy long after all this bs with your xah is over, that is a good thing, not a bad thing.

And if this guy really wants to be with you, he will understand that he has to wait until you are ready. You have nothing to be guilty about, you haven't DONE anything.
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:17 AM
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damn it to growing up catholic! i just read the line above about how i have nothing to feel guilty about since i've done nothing and it made me realize that it's damned catholic school and overly neurotic parents that have me convinced that even THINKING about something is bad! lol!

thanks for putting it in perspective all... i need to take a deep breath and relax.

thanks!
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:25 AM
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Talking

Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
damn it to growing up catholic! i just read the line above about how i have nothing to feel guilty about since i've done nothing and it made me realize that it's damned catholic school and overly neurotic parents that have me convinced that even THINKING about something is bad! lol!

thanks for putting it in perspective all... i need to take a deep breath and relax.

thanks!
This is why to have a higher power (God) of our understanding is so important. The God of my understanding...Understands me and love me just the way I am, after all I am HIS creation.
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:27 AM
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ODAT63- i was kind of being more tongue and cheek sarcastic (which unfortunately doesn't come across well on screen-- i think there ought to be a sarcasm font maybe!) about the whole religion thing fyi... thank you for your post...
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Old 04-25-2012, 12:05 PM
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Why not talk to to guy and be straight up with him about whats going on with AH? If he can't see why you don't want to be in a relationship right now, he never will.
Enjoy his company and see where things go. And yes, get the hell out of town to do it! All you need is for AH to get wind of it and make things even worse than he already has. You know this will turn around and bite you in the tush. You'll be blamed for everything because you wanted to be with another man. You're vulnerable right now, and speaking only for myself, I find myself attracted to other men who are only friends only because they are NORMAL...whatever that is.
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:27 PM
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Oh yeah I should have said, my friend is well aware of the situation with AH (things are certainly worse but he knows much of the history prior to this summer onward).

And he was always clear about not wanting to make things worse or make me feel like he expected anything. He's a genuinely nice guy-- after all I don't know too many single guys who'd be not at all obnoxious about just being friends even if he wished there were something more. If he has had alterior motives I never knew or sensed them, so I think he's probably genuine in his desire to want to hang out as friends. It's my own emotional state and motives that I don't trust right now. I guess if I give myself permission to just enjoy his company and not feel guilty for that fact, it'll all be fine.

In my mind I sort of thought that I had to have it all sorted out before I decided whether to hang out with him or not (common theme for me-- I can't "act" before I have it all figured out and that's just stupid thinking). So, I dont' have any idea what anything beyond today will hold in all of my life and I'm increasingly (compared to last year) okay with that. I like D's company, he's fun to be with and we share a lot of common interests so why not be friends again and just be content with that? That's where I'm at right now and that's thanks to you all!
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Old 04-25-2012, 01:47 PM
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WTBH-

In therapy for a number of months a number of years ago I was using Catholic as an adjective "This feels Catholic." Al-anon has helped me to work through the religious vs spiritual bent, but I understand the ways it can stick into our ways of being.

My therapy appointment today really talked about how I tend to be more comfortable in the extremes. Either in my own addiction, or living with an addicted love one. The middle gets and feels messy for me (the Middle Mess I called it). I also can't have a checklist in my head about the middle, which is how I tend to try to figure out if I am "okay" or not...have I don't this, and this and this. She helped me to try to re-frame it.

Men (actually any relationship) feels like a Middle Mess for me right now and I just want to thank you for the post and helping me to see I am not alone.
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Old 04-25-2012, 02:15 PM
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Nothing wrong with being human and enjoying a little positive male attention. You should not feel guilty about this. That said, your life is incredibly complicated and tumultuous right now. Perhaps waiting a year or two and letting things cool down and gel would be best for all. In the meantime, use that time to sort out your life, get the divorce and custody settled, and work on yourself in counseling, etc.

I can sooo relate to this longing for someone. I have a similar attraction with someone. But I've decided to turn my back on it and focus on me and really getting comfortable in my single skin.
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Old 04-25-2012, 02:33 PM
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Good Lord woman, I think you are healing

We are allowed to heal, we do not have to feel guilty becasue they are not.

Proceed with caution, but please enjoy those good feelings, they are healing too.

More joy coming your way.

xo K
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:22 PM
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Your post made me smile as well! you deserve some good moments in life...
And they donīt have to be "escapes" automatically
Please tell me he has nothing to do with alcoholism...
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Old 04-26-2012, 01:05 PM
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If a man were interested in me, and I were in your shoes, this is how I would approach it:

1. I would acknowledge that positive male attention is intoxicating in your deprived state. (you have.)

2. I would be veeerrrry straightforward with him about your current stuckness in a situation that has to be straightened out before you can spare even a little bit of attention to a male friendship.

3. I would protect my girls, and I would do this by refusing to be alone with this man until your divorce is final and you have custody.

If your AH gets wind of this - and he will, small town, small children, he's a stalker anyway - he WILL use it against you in a custody battle, and he will use it to justfy your craziness and your irrational need to get rid of him and your anger against him that caused you to assault him, understand?

4. I would tell D that you like him, that you will talk to him on the phone - house phone, probably for purposes of the records - and don't get too attached to leaning on him, or you won't heal properly.

5. You won't be alone in public or private with him until this is over, but if he likes you enough, he will wait.

That is my opinion.
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Old 04-26-2012, 03:02 PM
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I really wanted to post a suggestion on your other thread.
Its gone, and I hope you don't mind me putting it here.

Does your local paper have a letter to editor section?
If it does then maybe these supportive friends could write a letter of support?
Did they print up the outcome to?

I think maybe if your employer felt that you had community support then they wouldn't be so quick to let you go. Idk. It just popped into my head, and I thought that I'd share when I could finally type. (((hugs))) You've been in my thoughts.

Oh about the thoughts of another guy, its perfectly normal for you to crave some positive male attention. I wouldn't take it outside my head just yet though. You're certainly not alone!!
Thanks for letting me share.
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Old 04-26-2012, 05:43 PM
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If you decide to spend time with this guy I would suggest going 30+miles away from where you live. Your small town that you describe just sounds very old-fashioned and your husband (a sociopath) shockingly has a good reputation.
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Old 04-26-2012, 06:42 PM
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I wouldn't suggest doing anything at all until you are sure all this stuff with your XAH is done, because although I don't think it will legally hurt you, I am sure when he finds out, he will find another way to emotionally hurt you, and that is not something you need right now. Take it slow, there is no rush.

But it is VERY exciting that you are moving on. See, it IS possible!
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Old 04-27-2012, 10:01 AM
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Taking Charge- nope, nothing to do with alcoholism... actually he was my running buddy for the couple years we worked together and it was nice to have someone to run with who had interest in healthy living...

Stella- D is totally aware of the present situation. I think that part of the distancing from him at the end of last Spring through now is that I was relying too heavily on his being supportive and not dealing on my own with my "stuff". So, while he doesn't know all the intricate details (he does know I was arrested) he's aware of the state of things with AH. So, I guess that's good bc it's not like I have to out of the blue explain to a stranger the chaos of my life. I'm annoyed right now that I have to be so overly cautious bc of AH's craziness. I have a number of road races I've signed up for this spring and would love to have a running partner again for them but I completely agree that any interaction with D can be distorted by AH to use against me. It's unfortunate though bc I'd like to spend time with him as a FRIEND, same as I would a girlfriend, and I feel like it's probably a bad idea.

Cymbal- my town does have a letter to the editor section and I am tempted to write something (or encourage my friends to). Right now my employer has said that saying nothing is my best bet for continued employment. I guess any publicity, good or bad at this point, puts the issue on the public radar and they don't want that. As for my reputation and how a letter to the editor could help-- something clicked in me in the past few weeks and I've decided that I do not give a $hit what others in this crappy town think of me. I have learned from this debacle who my REAL friends are and they know me and know what's true and frankly all the rest of the judgers and haters can think what they want. Of course there has been NO statement from the police or article following up about the court outcome. Not surprising.

Justfor1- it is shocking that AH continues to have a decent reputation-- but it may well be surface level good-- For ex/ my D who is 6 has a teacher who told me that D6 has shared what her father behaves like and it was clear from that chat that AH's reputation in the elementary school is NOT good. So, maybe he is seen positively, maybe not. I've assumed he was viewed well but I am beginning to wonder if maybe people don't actually see through his facade.
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Old 04-27-2012, 03:18 PM
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Why not move? It just seems like an uphill battle with your husband. Although it was completely wrong, the fact is you are a defendant in a criminal case. The police took his side & who knows who else will believe him? He has power in this community that you live in.
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