prayingwife

Hi...i'm new here so I'll try to give a little info without being TOO long!

Started dating my husband when we were 15...married him at 23...been married almost 12 years. We always had a great relationship.

First few years of marriage...drank socially...mostly beer (we both drank)
Age 26-30 he drank more...switched to whiskey only

Age 30-present...he doesn't drink daily (to my knowledge) but does drink a lot when he drinks and does hide alcohol in the house and in his car. I quit drinking the day he admitted he was an alcoholic (almost 3 years ago) and I do not allow alcohol in the house.

He is a good dad to our two boys (age 2 and 2 months) during the day (he is home with them until 4 each day while I work and he loves being with them), then he goes to work, comes home around 2AM and often drinks after that...i will wake up and find him drunk. He of course lies and says he is NOT drunk. REALLY???

He has admitted he is an alcoholic and needs help. He has had 3 DUIs. He has tried AA off and on, tried Celebrate Recovery off and on, checked himself into an outpatient program that he attended 5 hours per day for 2 weeks, and is currently in a weekly program that is required from his last DUI sentencing.

I live with jeckyl and hyde. On the one hand he is a great dad and loving husband. He is a christian with an incredible gift for music. he loves his family and is fun to be around. On the other hand he lies to cover his addiction and I live in constant fear it will progress and he will drink while he is the only one home with our children.

I have had all I can take. The stress is killing me and my heart is broken each time he lies to me. Today he told me he called a local center to begin seeing a counselor one on one. He says he will do anything to keep his family together. Is there any chance this could be more helpful to him than AA or Celebrate Recovery? I would be here for him 100% if he got serious about quitting and could be honest with me so that I would not have to constantly worry about the kids. Although he is a good dad in every other way, he is NOT in control so I can't count on the fact that the kids are safe just because nothing has happened YET.

Does anyone have a success story in repairing a broken marriage? Is it best to stay and support him if he is in counseling, or is it best to leave while he works this out on his own. He is MUCH closer to our toddler than lots of Dads are because he stays home with him and it will tear my son up to not see his Daddy every day, but this situation has progressed over the years and I do not have it in me to continue without some MAJOR changes and I just don't know if that will happen.

Sorry to be so long...just need to get it out to someone who might understand what it's like to try to live with him.

keepingmyjoy1

Hi prayingwife, nice to have you here. I am sure there will be more people along to share their stories. The thing to remember is that you can't "make" his major changes. You can't control it. He as to be the one to get "serious about quitting". If he is not there yet, then you have to take care of yourself and the little ones. If you can't count on the kids being safe, then you probably already know what needs to be done--sometimes looking what needs to be done can be hard because you want to trust, but can't.

I am separating (just happened yesterday) from my AH. We have a 7 year old. This will be our 3rd separation-there will be no more separations--we are done. I know what it is like to live with what you are living with-been doing it for 12 years.

The most important thing (IMHO) is that you be sure to take care of yourself so that you can be strong and clear headed. The clear headed part is really hard when living with an active AH. Just like on an airplane, you put the oxygen mask on first, then you put it on someone else, you take good care of yourself so that you can take the best care of those little ones. Get to an Alanon meeting...it really does help. Keep posting here...this is a lifeline for me.

Are there success stories in repairing a broken marriage? There are some here that are still married and some who have left the relationship. I hope the ones that stayed in their marriage will be along here in a bit. But hang in there...I do know how hard it can be to be where you are. Jeckyl and Hyde took up permanent residence at our house years ago. Lies...lots and lots. So, it really comes down to the kids, then you. Is this what you want them to grow up and remember?

Hugs...keep posting. The people here have so much wisdom...much more than I. But I care...hang in there.

laughabledog

I would also like to know if there are any successful relationships! I lived with my fiance for 3 years and we have a 19 month old. I tried to be there so many times for treatment and his own attemps at quitting. Like you, my XAF also stayed home with my child and many times I did find him drinking wtih her in his care. I just got out of a period of 1 1/2 months of his sobriety -- the longest he's been since we have been together outside of his times in forced treatment and jail. And then he threw it all away suddenly and in a 3 day binge where I had him arrested for taking my car drunk (after I had hid the keys) and harassing me with his drunk new drinking buddies.

It is all very sad and my toddler is having trouble sleeping because I am sure she wonders if I will be gone when she wakes up just like her dad . ..

The thing that I am learning is that the success of the relationship depends on his willingness to fight for his sobriety. It comes and goes. He mainly thinks he is in control and he can control it, and when I set boundaries for how I want to live I am controlling him. Even when he himself said to me that if he took another drink that would mean he was "done with me".

Right now he's living in a homeless shelter and using any trick in the book to get to me emotionally and come back home without any real change on his part. It kills me especially when he talks about moving on and sleeping with new women. (Got to love a woman who would be with a man in a homeless shelter but I guess I am possibly one!)

I think you have to set your own boundaries and stick to them even if it means you leaving. Otherwise, the alcoholic will try to get away with as much as he can and never feel that there is really a problem. His alcoholic demon will convince him of this. I can't even promise you that enforcing your own set of "rules" will send a message, but it will help you.

Good luck. I hope for the best. I too cling to the stories where these alcoholics are finally motivated to change for the love of their families. I am beginning to think that mine isn't one of them . . .

angrywife

I saw lots of success stories at my local Alanon meetings. Wives whose husbands were sober and active in AA. That's why I stopped going, I'm jealous, I want that more than anything. That's my issue to work through, and I'm trying to get back to meetings. I read Alanon literature daily and do the best I can.

A long time ago I used to think that AA was one of many ways to quit drinking. Since then I have watched my husband's disease progress exactly like the big book describes, I am certain it's the only way.

Florence

Are there any success stories? I'm sure there probably are.

I'm still with my RAH, but he's 6 months sober and has been in recovery for about 2 years. Things are what they are. He's doing what he needs to do and is making attempts at setting his mistakes right now that he's sober. There were a lot of lies, a lot of lost money, lost jobs, and hurt feelings left in his wake. I will say he never cheated on me or pulled any of that crazy stuff (that I know of), so the hurt feelings I have are about his drinking and lying alone. For that reason, and because I like us as parents together, I feel like it's worth trying for.

That said, drinking and drinking behavior is a dealbreaker. I resolved only to stay with him while he was *in recovery*. He did relapse several times, which caused a lot of disappointment and heartbreak for me, but the deciding factor for me was the immediacy with which he pulled on the sobriety resources after taking the first drink -- AA, his sponsor, his personal counselor. BUT! I needed to see proof that these were real learning moments and not just hot air. Turns out they were learning moments.

Another dealbreaker is if he goes off his medication. When he does, it's just a matter of time before the stinking thinking begins and he's off to the liquor store to self-medicate. I have a lot of empathy for addicts and the battle they're in -- this is a real neurological and psychological battle and good people fail all the time, it's heartbreaking and recovery is bittersweet -- but this battle can not be the defining terms of *my* life.

I'm not going to lie, there are days when I'm not sure why I'm still with him or what exactly we're fighting for. I do like us as parents together, and I think we make a good parenting team (as long as he's in recovery, that is), but I know today that if given the chance, I'd go back to myself eight years ago and encourage younger me to heed to red flags and stand my ground, or to walk away altogether.

The thing that bothers me is that none of this is a guarantee. Despite all of his and my hard work, this can all fall apart if he chooses to drink again. I'm trying to decide whether or not this is something I can hang my hat on. I've taken steps to protect myself and my kids from the consequences of his drinking, should he choose to drink again. Thankfully I don't have to decide today, but it is on my mind an awful lot.

brownhorse

Me, too. As long as he was actively in AA and trying it was working. When he stopped, it was jekel and hyde. I also said enough is enough. I can not keep putting my kids on this roller coaster and had to leave him for good. I think every relationship is different with one thing in common, the ones that work the A is in AA and the spouse is in Al-anon.

prayingwife

ANGRYWIFE....Thanks...I have not yet done much research into AA or Alanon...just been getting through and figured he had to find what worked for him whether it be AA, Celebrate Recovery, or private counseling. Guess I need to read that big book you referred to. Thank you.

Seren

Hello prayingwife, Welcome to SR!

There are many, many paths to recovery. None of them will work, however, unless your husband wants sobriety more than anything else and works at it with everything he has.

Make yourself comfortable here, read all the threads you can. There is a great deal of really useful information in the "stickies" at the top of each forum, too.

A couple of really important things I have learned from reading here at SR and in the face-to-face meetings of Al-Anon are:
First, the 3 C's:

I did not cause the drinking.
I cannot control the drinking.
I cannot cure the alcoholic.

Both freeing and frustrating for those of us who are accustomed to enabling.

Second: Watch his actions, don't listen to this words. Once his actions match all his grand promises to do better, then you will know he is serious about recovery.

Welcome, again, prayingwife! I'm glad you found us but so very sorry for the reason.

djayr

Hi prayingwife--

I am 17 years into a broken marriage with my AW and we are both Christians. She has been sober for a number of really nice period of time, 1 year a couple of times, 2.5 years once -- but currently on a 1.5 year downward spiral. It bends my mind to think about how she can claim God is #1 in her life yet get drunk every single day.

Every situation is different and I don't want to be discouraging. We both know that God can do anything and miracles DO happen. But overall, I feel like I have lost and the bottle has won. My struggle with AW's alcoholism has taken a big toll on me and I honestly don't know if I have been helping or hurting with my various types of efforts to get her to get straight.

I got to the point of divorce but stopped short at legal separation. I am still trying to live with her, holding onto some kind of hope that she would "wake up". Sadly she is not, but you never know.

I truly wish you all the best and I can guarantee that you will find comfort in these posts. They aren't pretty sometimes, but it really makes you realize that for every alcoholic, there are many who try very hard to love them and help them. It's tough.

God bless...

prayingwife

djayr, your post could be about MY life! I too do not understand how a Christian is also an addict. I believe the God I serve is bigger than ANYTHING, so I believe if you are saved and turn to Christ He will FREE YOU. I have asked my husband several times if he is SURE of his salvation and he says YES with no hesitation. But I do not see him laying this at the cross on a daily basis. I suppose that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't, just cuz I don't see it, but....I too hold on to that hope that he will turn to Christ and Christ will free him of this addiction. He has gone through longer sober periods too (like a few months), and we get by ok on a day to day basis because he doesn't drink daily BUT the mistrust and disappointment is always there on my part. I try every day to pray for him and to ask God to soften my heart towards my husband and to let me love him and see him through Christ's eyes. Still though it is a struggle. I will pray now for you and your wife as well. Thank you for your post.

marie1960

In the words of my dear departed mother;

" God helps those who help themselves."