I just want him back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
Posts: 1
I just want him back
My husband had a very hard time at a job he recently quit and he drank every night and on the weekends from morning to night. He found a new job in within the week. He is so intelligent and so smart and a great person all around. Since his new job the drinking has decreased to maybe 3 nights a week and binge drinking every evening Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I keep trying to encourage him he is doing better, and on the right road. But he has really changed. Not the same man I met and fell in love with. I have distanced myself and also have ADD and am on medication for it and depression. He and I both know there is no magic pill to cure ADD and I realize that it is very hard to live with someone with ADD, just as it is hard to live WITH it. He has recently started to have severe and frequent mood swings from impatience, anger, and weird over happiness and gropiness when really drunk and he drinks whiskey. He shuffles around the house and wavers back and forth while sitting on the couch. He makes my 3 yr old kiss me every 5 minutes and he has begun to notice something different about his Dad when in this state. When I bring up my concerns he blames me and my ADD and the kids. He beleives that we are so very different or we act up. Kids, yes they do act up, they are 3 and 9, its part of being a parent. Me, well, even on meds, I will have some bad days where my focus is either gone or on myself or on unneccessary things. I admit to this. But he will not admit that this can't always be an excuse for drinking. The family becomes affected and yes we will act differently around him because we don't like the way he is acting. He says I said he was mean and controlling, and yes I have said this, but not when he said I did one day. But he was so insistent that I was beleiving that maybe I did and I am losing my marbles. Maybe there is something REALLY wrong with me and I am ruining our relationship. I have looked up stuff on the internet trying to determine if I am crazy or not. I am so confused and so lonely for his company again. Am I really the cause of this and is there something wrong with me. Can he really blame me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
There's nothing wrong with you...
...other than you are in denial about the depths of his problem, and perhaps also that you may be like many of us here-- codependent and enabling.
That said, there's a great deal wrong with him. And in my opinion he's borderline abusing your children.
Others will be along shortly to give you more and better information. In the meantime keep reading, and read the stickies above.
He's a controlling and active alcoholic. Make no bones about it.
Cyranoak
That said, there's a great deal wrong with him. And in my opinion he's borderline abusing your children.
Others will be along shortly to give you more and better information. In the meantime keep reading, and read the stickies above.
He's a controlling and active alcoholic. Make no bones about it.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Sh0rtc8ke 
My husband had a very hard time at a job he recently quit and he drank every night and on the weekends from morning to night. He found a new job in within the week. He is so intelligent and so smart and a great person all around. Since his new job the drinking has decreased to maybe 3 nights a week and binge drinking every evening Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I keep trying to encourage him he is doing better, and on the right road. But he has really changed. Not the same man I met and fell in love with. I have distanced myself and also have ADD and am on medication for it and depression. He and I both know there is no magic pill to cure ADD and I realize that it is very hard to live with someone with ADD, just as it is hard to live WITH it. He has recently started to have severe and frequent mood swings from impatience, anger, and weird over happiness and gropiness when really drunk and he drinks whiskey. He shuffles around the house and wavers back and forth while sitting on the couch. He makes my 3 yr old kiss me every 5 minutes and he has begun to notice something different about his Dad when in this state. When I bring up my concerns he blames me and my ADD and the kids. He beleives that we are so very different or we act up. Kids, yes they do act up, they are 3 and 9, its part of being a parent. Me, well, even on meds, I will have some bad days where my focus is either gone or on myself or on unneccessary things. I admit to this. But he will not admit that this can't always be an excuse for drinking. The family becomes affected and yes we will act differently around him because we don't like the way he is acting. He says I said he was mean and controlling, and yes I have said this, but not when he said I did one day. But he was so insistent that I was beleiving that maybe I did and I am losing my marbles. Maybe there is something REALLY wrong with me and I am ruining our relationship. I have looked up stuff on the internet trying to determine if I am crazy or not. I am so confused and so lonely for his company again. Am I really the cause of this and is there something wrong with me. Can he really blame me?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
No, you are not losing your marbles. No, his drinking is not your fault. Your kids being kids is not an excuse to drink, either. He drinks because he wants to drink. It has nothing to do with you or the kids. Alcoholics are masters at blame-shifting and making excuses why they drink. They very rarely admit that they drink because they are addicted to alcohol.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support from people who have been through what you are going through. Don't let anyone convince you that his drinking is because of you or the kids. That is just a lie. Alcoholics are master liars, too. I hope you'll stick around and read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support from people who have been through what you are going through. Don't let anyone convince you that his drinking is because of you or the kids. That is just a lie. Alcoholics are master liars, too. I hope you'll stick around and read the stickie posts at the top of this forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Shortcake. It. is. not. you. I really want to write more, to share how AXH blamed me for his drinking, for our marriage failing, for.... but I keep garbling what I intend to write... 
I think the last few tendrils of my fear that it was all my fault are clutching a bit tighter. But for now, I wanted to welcome you to SR and say I'm so glad you're starting to reach out for support.
It. is. NOT. you.
I think the last few tendrils of my fear that it was all my fault are clutching a bit tighter. But for now, I wanted to welcome you to SR and say I'm so glad you're starting to reach out for support.It. is. NOT. you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
You are not crazy!
You are not alone, and you have found a wonderful place of support and information!
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
His alcoholism belonged to him. It took me some time before I could accept that concept. I was sure my love would fix him, I was also sure that I could keep him from reacting/over-reacting and under-reacting to situations. All I did was loose myself in the process of trying to fix everything for him.
I found lots of wisdom here at SR by reading in the "sticky" posts. Stickies are older, permanent posts that are preserved for ease of reading at the top of this forum page. One of my favorite stickies contains steps that I followed while living with active alcoholism. These steps help restore my personal sanity. Here is a link to the post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
You are not crazy!
You are not alone, and you have found a wonderful place of support and information!
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it
His alcoholism belonged to him. It took me some time before I could accept that concept. I was sure my love would fix him, I was also sure that I could keep him from reacting/over-reacting and under-reacting to situations. All I did was loose myself in the process of trying to fix everything for him.
I found lots of wisdom here at SR by reading in the "sticky" posts. Stickies are older, permanent posts that are preserved for ease of reading at the top of this forum page. One of my favorite stickies contains steps that I followed while living with active alcoholism. These steps help restore my personal sanity. Here is a link to the post that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, shortcake. I came to this place feeling just as crazy as you feel. Alcoholics are very good at deflecting away from the problems.
Are you "crazy"? Maybe yes if you rephrase it to "unmanageable". Your life has become unmanageable. Does that make us anxious and unstable? Heck yes!
Instead of Googling "crazy", instead Google Al-Anon meetings in your area, and books on alcoholism and the family dynamic, as well as books on Co-Dependency. Turn the focus from yourself as the problem to you looking for solutions to a problem that is bigger than you are.
And keep coming back! Take good care,
~T
Are you "crazy"? Maybe yes if you rephrase it to "unmanageable". Your life has become unmanageable. Does that make us anxious and unstable? Heck yes!
Instead of Googling "crazy", instead Google Al-Anon meetings in your area, and books on alcoholism and the family dynamic, as well as books on Co-Dependency. Turn the focus from yourself as the problem to you looking for solutions to a problem that is bigger than you are.
And keep coming back! Take good care,
~T
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