brownhorse

So, with all my issues with STBXRAH I have let myself get right into another issue and I am not sure how to handle it. I have a friend who is also a single mom. We have kids that our about the same age and I have always loved having them over and we would cook dinner together. Anyway, she has already moved her kids in with another guy and left him in the two years she has been divorced. When she is with somebody, I rarely hear from her. But, when she needs something like yes, money once, an ear, or has a problem I always hear from her. Well, the other day she wanted to relax and was going to get ahold of me on Saturday, I am the one she relaxes with. I never heard from her which was fine but she went out and called me Sunday when she was very upset because her uncle passed away. Again, I don't hear from her for a week but she texts me when her ex-husband who is not an alcoholic but was drinking and driving with her kids. Which I know could mean many things but he is not my concern. She obviously is a codependent herself and still needs friends, but should that be me? I can also be a very selfish friend at times (never to her because it is rarely about me) but just do not know if this is healthy for me and what I should do if it is not?? How do ignore a friend when they do really need you? I can say no to money and stuff, it is the listening I am not sure about.

fhl41

Hmm do we have the same friend lol, I know exactly what this sort of "friendship" is like. I have been reading Codependency No More and have started to look at me and my part in this relationship and allot of it has to do with my codependence (I believe she is codependent as well-bad mix).

I have started to distance myself from her actually and focus more on me. I deserve better in ALL of my relationships not just my love relationship this includes my friendships too. I have friends that don't treat me like her and I am going to start nurturing those friendships instead. I am tired of being used by her.

LifeRecovery

I am struggling with friendships too for similar reasons. I struggle like I am feeling judgemental when I feel like it is all about them etc.

My counselor suggested that in the moment (as many times as I need) I should ask myself when interacting with anyone "What do I need to do right now to take care of myself?" This keeps the focus on me, does not feel judgemental to me, and helps me to figure out in that moment if I am coming from a grounded place to help someone else or if I am attempting to backslide into codependency. It has been a huge help for me.