dating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
dating
So, it's been about 6 months (1 year since final break up) since i've had contact with the xabf. i'm starting to feel weird about dating.
On one hand, yeah--I'd like to find someone new to SLOWLY date... and hopefully, begin a healthy relationship. i DO feel confident about listening to my gut instincts and not idealizing relationships. i've accepted my responsibility in codependently choosing to continue on a multiple year unhealthy relationship. Since I'm now 30, and wasted away my prime 20s dating my xabf... I feel even more pressure to date, because I DO want to have a family someday.
BUT, on the other hand, i don't really FEEL like dating. Does anyone watch 30 Rock? Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's character, one time says, "I just want to start dating 12 dates in--where you're already comfortable with each other". THIS is how i feel. BEFORE my relationship with the xabf, i LOVED dating just for dating. i loved the whole flirting game and getting to know each other. i was infamously not attaching myself to anyone and perpetually just flirted/dated... but now, now that i've been through hell and barely made it out alive... i dont really FEEL like getting to know anyone else. it's like... no on is really as exciting as you think they are when you're in that flirting stage. i thought my ex was the nicest, responsible, most considerable guy i ever met--and he ended up making the self-proclaimed assholes i know seem like prince charmings.
anyway, i'm starting to feel like i'm not normal. i have people around me that have gotten out of relationships, and they seem to be jumping in at the dating game again. i DONT want to spend the rest of my life alone, and like i said, i would like to start a family (from healthy foundations) one day... but i just don't feel any urge to really, actively date. i don't want to turn into a recluse nor become some old lady with a million dogs and living on my own. even though i feel healthy (in mind and body) and am content with where i've gotten post xabf, i'm starting to doubt if i'm really healthy considering i'm not out there wanting to date.
On one hand, yeah--I'd like to find someone new to SLOWLY date... and hopefully, begin a healthy relationship. i DO feel confident about listening to my gut instincts and not idealizing relationships. i've accepted my responsibility in codependently choosing to continue on a multiple year unhealthy relationship. Since I'm now 30, and wasted away my prime 20s dating my xabf... I feel even more pressure to date, because I DO want to have a family someday.
BUT, on the other hand, i don't really FEEL like dating. Does anyone watch 30 Rock? Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's character, one time says, "I just want to start dating 12 dates in--where you're already comfortable with each other". THIS is how i feel. BEFORE my relationship with the xabf, i LOVED dating just for dating. i loved the whole flirting game and getting to know each other. i was infamously not attaching myself to anyone and perpetually just flirted/dated... but now, now that i've been through hell and barely made it out alive... i dont really FEEL like getting to know anyone else. it's like... no on is really as exciting as you think they are when you're in that flirting stage. i thought my ex was the nicest, responsible, most considerable guy i ever met--and he ended up making the self-proclaimed assholes i know seem like prince charmings.
anyway, i'm starting to feel like i'm not normal. i have people around me that have gotten out of relationships, and they seem to be jumping in at the dating game again. i DONT want to spend the rest of my life alone, and like i said, i would like to start a family (from healthy foundations) one day... but i just don't feel any urge to really, actively date. i don't want to turn into a recluse nor become some old lady with a million dogs and living on my own. even though i feel healthy (in mind and body) and am content with where i've gotten post xabf, i'm starting to doubt if i'm really healthy considering i'm not out there wanting to date.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You are normal in my view...
... you are fresh off a bad experience.
Please consider not worrying about it. You will eventually want to date and when that time comes do it. Just don't pick another alchy/addict/project.
Take care,
C-
Please consider not worrying about it. You will eventually want to date and when that time comes do it. Just don't pick another alchy/addict/project.
Take care,
C-
Originally Posted by forgotten1 
So, it's been about 6 months (1 year since final break up) since i've had contact with the xabf. i'm starting to feel weird about dating.
On one hand, yeah--I'd like to find someone new to SLOWLY date... and hopefully, begin a healthy relationship. i DO feel confident about listening to my gut instincts and not idealizing relationships. i've accepted my responsibility in codependently choosing to continue on a multiple year unhealthy relationship. Since I'm now 30, and wasted away my prime 20s dating my xabf... I feel even more pressure to date, because I DO want to have a family someday.
BUT, on the other hand, i don't really FEEL like dating. Does anyone watch 30 Rock? Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's character, one time says, "I just want to start dating 12 dates in--where you're already comfortable with each other". THIS is how i feel. BEFORE my relationship with the xabf, i LOVED dating just for dating. i loved the whole flirting game and getting to know each other. i was infamously not attaching myself to anyone and perpetually just flirted/dated... but now, now that i've been through hell and barely made it out alive... i dont really FEEL like getting to know anyone else. it's like... no on is really as exciting as you think they are when you're in that flirting stage. i thought my ex was the nicest, responsible, most considerable guy i ever met--and he ended up making the self-proclaimed assholes i know seem like prince charmings.
anyway, i'm starting to feel like i'm not normal. i have people around me that have gotten out of relationships, and they seem to be jumping in at the dating game again. i DONT want to spend the rest of my life alone, and like i said, i would like to start a family (from healthy foundations) one day... but i just don't feel any urge to really, actively date. i don't want to turn into a recluse nor become some old lady with a million dogs and living on my own. even though i feel healthy (in mind and body) and am content with where i've gotten post xabf, i'm starting to doubt if i'm really healthy considering i'm not out there wanting to date.
On one hand, yeah--I'd like to find someone new to SLOWLY date... and hopefully, begin a healthy relationship. i DO feel confident about listening to my gut instincts and not idealizing relationships. i've accepted my responsibility in codependently choosing to continue on a multiple year unhealthy relationship. Since I'm now 30, and wasted away my prime 20s dating my xabf... I feel even more pressure to date, because I DO want to have a family someday.
BUT, on the other hand, i don't really FEEL like dating. Does anyone watch 30 Rock? Liz Lemon, Tina Fey's character, one time says, "I just want to start dating 12 dates in--where you're already comfortable with each other". THIS is how i feel. BEFORE my relationship with the xabf, i LOVED dating just for dating. i loved the whole flirting game and getting to know each other. i was infamously not attaching myself to anyone and perpetually just flirted/dated... but now, now that i've been through hell and barely made it out alive... i dont really FEEL like getting to know anyone else. it's like... no on is really as exciting as you think they are when you're in that flirting stage. i thought my ex was the nicest, responsible, most considerable guy i ever met--and he ended up making the self-proclaimed assholes i know seem like prince charmings.
anyway, i'm starting to feel like i'm not normal. i have people around me that have gotten out of relationships, and they seem to be jumping in at the dating game again. i DONT want to spend the rest of my life alone, and like i said, i would like to start a family (from healthy foundations) one day... but i just don't feel any urge to really, actively date. i don't want to turn into a recluse nor become some old lady with a million dogs and living on my own. even though i feel healthy (in mind and body) and am content with where i've gotten post xabf, i'm starting to doubt if i'm really healthy considering i'm not out there wanting to date.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Nah, you're not alone.
My XAH left about 2.5 years ago (after 4 months in rehab, so really it's been 3ish years), and the divorce final for 18 months. And I started occasionally corresponding with a gentleman about a year ago. We have yet to actually go on a date, as we're both coming out of tumultous relationships, and have both needed a lot of time to heal. And if it goes somewhere, fine. But at the rate it is, probably not.
And I'm ok with that. I've discovered that I really like being single.
I went on an actual date (eharmony) after we'd been separated for about a year, and realized that WHOA, I'm not ready. So I stepped back, and thought about it, and decided that I had to do it on my own terms.
Being a recluse ain't all bad.
(My work forces me to be in close contact with dozens of people daily, so I'm not a real recluse. But I live out in the country in a fortress of solitude with a big gate across the driveway with spikes on it. Rather than "date me," it screams "I vant to be alone."
The relationship you were in, like mine, was closer to a hostage situation. Therefore, consider permission granted to take longer to come back from it.
My XAH left about 2.5 years ago (after 4 months in rehab, so really it's been 3ish years), and the divorce final for 18 months. And I started occasionally corresponding with a gentleman about a year ago. We have yet to actually go on a date, as we're both coming out of tumultous relationships, and have both needed a lot of time to heal. And if it goes somewhere, fine. But at the rate it is, probably not.
And I'm ok with that. I've discovered that I really like being single.
I went on an actual date (eharmony) after we'd been separated for about a year, and realized that WHOA, I'm not ready. So I stepped back, and thought about it, and decided that I had to do it on my own terms.
Being a recluse ain't all bad.
(My work forces me to be in close contact with dozens of people daily, so I'm not a real recluse. But I live out in the country in a fortress of solitude with a big gate across the driveway with spikes on it. Rather than "date me," it screams "I vant to be alone."
The relationship you were in, like mine, was closer to a hostage situation. Therefore, consider permission granted to take longer to come back from it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
I met someone about a month ago and thought it would be nice to go out for coffee, go to dinner, things like that. In the course of that, I found out that while he was 5 years clean and in a program, there were just too many things that made me feel uncomfortable, chief one being that he wanted to get serious right away, to begin having a sexual relationship and doing that, very controlling.
I backed right off because I just got out of a relationship like that a year ago, after having spent a tumultuous 4 years together with my EXABF.
The difference this time around was that I have a program - I go to Al-Anon, I saw not only the red flags with him, I saw them with me. Instead of entangling myself like I would have in the past, I said no, that I wasn't ready, didn't like the direction things were taking and walked away.
I felt good about my decision to do this because frankly, I do like being single. Before the EXABF, I was married, before that, in another long term relationship, so, now that I am on the good side of 50, it is really nice to have the peace and serenity of living myself, but definitely not being alone of not having to be part of a couple to define who I am.
For all of us-dating will happen when it happens, in my case, I'm not really too worried if it doesn't. I have enough in my life now to make it pretty rich and fulfilling, without worrying if I'll get involved in another relationship.
I backed right off because I just got out of a relationship like that a year ago, after having spent a tumultuous 4 years together with my EXABF.
The difference this time around was that I have a program - I go to Al-Anon, I saw not only the red flags with him, I saw them with me. Instead of entangling myself like I would have in the past, I said no, that I wasn't ready, didn't like the direction things were taking and walked away.
I felt good about my decision to do this because frankly, I do like being single. Before the EXABF, I was married, before that, in another long term relationship, so, now that I am on the good side of 50, it is really nice to have the peace and serenity of living myself, but definitely not being alone of not having to be part of a couple to define who I am.
For all of us-dating will happen when it happens, in my case, I'm not really too worried if it doesn't. I have enough in my life now to make it pretty rich and fulfilling, without worrying if I'll get involved in another relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I met someone about a month ago and thought it would be nice to go out for coffee, go to dinner, things like that. In the course of that, I found out that while he was 5 years clean and in a program, there were just too many things that made me feel uncomfortable, chief one being that he wanted to get serious right away, to begin having a sexual relationship and doing that, very controlling.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 38
I totally feel you! I am kind of the same way. Just healing I guess you'd call it. Maybe you need some more time. That is totally okay! I started liking someone thinking I was ready and then got panicky and everything. Oh goodness, now I just want nothing. Need to heal.
I started liking someone thinking I was ready and then got panicky and everything. Oh goodness, now I just want nothing. Need to heal.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
Thanks for this post! I'm 35 and I have my first post-Alco/Narco date tonight. I split with my husband a year ago and I swear to G--, I was out there trying to date after 3mos., mostly 'cause what you wrote about being 30 and wanting a family. The door is really closing for me!
At the same time, what is "SHOULD", where is "SHOULD" on the timeline?
What, do you go through childhood, puberty, adolescence and then somewhere arrive at "SHOULD" - when I should have gainful employment, I should be married, I should have a stable life and making way for kids... heck, I should know what I'm doing with myself!!!
But you know what, I don't. And "SHOULD" sure as heck isn't gonna make it any clearer for me.
So... my advice (to myself as much as you) is age is just a number. Deal with what you need to at the pace you need to. "SHOULD" doesn't exist, just your realtionship to yourself and this glorious path we tread upon called "life".
I wish you the best.
xoxoxo
At the same time, what is "SHOULD", where is "SHOULD" on the timeline?
What, do you go through childhood, puberty, adolescence and then somewhere arrive at "SHOULD" - when I should have gainful employment, I should be married, I should have a stable life and making way for kids... heck, I should know what I'm doing with myself!!!
But you know what, I don't. And "SHOULD" sure as heck isn't gonna make it any clearer for me.
So... my advice (to myself as much as you) is age is just a number. Deal with what you need to at the pace you need to. "SHOULD" doesn't exist, just your realtionship to yourself and this glorious path we tread upon called "life".
I wish you the best.
xoxoxo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
I'm struggling with the same issues. I'm on hiatus now, giving myself 6 months, minimum, before thinking about dating. Maybe more, as I was in my codependent relationship for 20 years!!!!!!!
I feel like I've wasted time, I'm 52. I'm afraid I won't see the red flags on the field until it's too late, blah, blah, blah. Guess that's why I'm paying my therapist
.
What I'm really hoping is that I just become healthier enough that a good relationship will flow naturally. One where kindness, maturity, and partnership can flourish.
Good luck to all of us
I feel like I've wasted time, I'm 52. I'm afraid I won't see the red flags on the field until it's too late, blah, blah, blah. Guess that's why I'm paying my therapist
. What I'm really hoping is that I just become healthier enough that a good relationship will flow naturally. One where kindness, maturity, and partnership can flourish.
Good luck to all of us
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I cannot imagine dating anyone. I think I have PTSD having survived the insanity, I just want to be left alone! I am 6 months post-legal separation, and I seriously cannot imagine trying to have a relationship with another woman. I think even if a woman came after me, I would run the other way! I am seriously freaked out about dating.
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