Relapsing Husband
 

I've been married to my husband for about a year and a half, we met and got married very quickly, and I didn't realize until after we were married that he was an alcoholic. He'll never admit that he is an alcoholic, and adamant refuses to go to any kind of program. He gets very defensive if I mention that I think he may be an alcoholic. As he says, he doesn't feel like he "needs" alcohol, he just likes to "have a few beers every now and then." But from my elxperience, he can never just have 1 or 2.

He quit drinking for a few months last year, then after a few months it was, "oh, I'll just drink on special occasions", then it was "oh, I'll only drink on the weekends", then he was back to drinking every day again. In November he went down to Peru to deal with some external issues that he has been dealing iwth for a very long time, his father dying when he was young, some very traumatic wartime experiences. When he came back he was a changed man, and he told me that he didn't want to drink any more. Then last month he went back to his home town for a week and drank. He assured me that it was just because he was on vacation, and hadn't seen his friends in such a long time. Now he wants to move back there.

I can see the cycle starting all over again, it started with special occasions, then it was because it was a weekend, and now he has drank every day for the past 4 days. His rational is that he's not drunk, he only had two beers, but for me I know that he's not sober. Last night he tried to talk to me after he'd had "two beers" and a told him in a very unemotional tone, I will not have a serious conversation with him when he' s been drinking, which did not go over well, he spent the remainder of the evening telling me that I wasn't being fair to him, he has his drinking under control, he can't making drinking taboo for himself. Each time I responded that we could talk about it tomorrow.

I guess what I'm really looking for is how do I decide when enough is enough, I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this again. How do you deal with an alcoholic who doesn't admit that he's an alcoholic, and how can you be supportive during a relapse when they won't admit that there is anything wrong.

Thank you in advance for you kind workds and advice.

Hello DesMrlnd,

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have come to the right place to get help for you.
There are lots of sticky posts to read and learn, and also many caring people here.
Do not worry about whether he labels himself an alcoholic or not, if his drinking is causing you heartache, then he at least has a serious drinking problem.

I decided enough was enough when he continued to lie, disappear for days, spend his entire paycheck in one weekend and then come back crying like a baby waiting for his "mommy" (me) to fix it. I had two children to care for, and he was NOT a child. I no longer had a partner in marriage, I had a crackhead who cared about nothing except his next high. (I am in recovery for alcohol myself).

Speaking as an alcoholic, he is in denial. You would be much better served by taking care of yourself. Please go to AlAnon and get the support you need to deal with an active alcoholic. Try a few different meetings to find the right fit.

Please hang around awhile, read some of the posts here. You are among friends.

:welcome

Beth

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand living with addiction, and we are here to support you.

I am always finding wisdom from the posts of members with more experience than myself. There is a collection of posts that contain such wisdom at the top of this main page. They are called the "sticky posts". They are older posts that are preserved for everyone to read and re-read as needed.

Here is a link to one of my favorite sticky posts and it contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

:welcome

"How do you deal with an alcoholic who doesn't admit that he's an alcoholic, and how can you be supportive during a relapse when they won't admit that there is anything wrong."

You don't.

This is his disease. It's up to him to decide if and when he will seek treatment.

I had to keep asking myself "is this really how I want to spend the rest of my life?" The booze was winning. There was absolutely no peace in my home. Constant drama and chaos. The daily lies, the manipulation, the denial, everything we did, revolved around his drinking.

There were times we could not attend a function because he was already to drunk to go anywhere, but to bed. I grew tired of making excuses, all the joy was sucked out of our lives.

I did not understand what the disease of alcoholism truly was. Only after I educated myself regarding addiction, did I truly understand what I was up against.

I knew he had absolutely no intention of ending his relationship with alcohol. One of us had to go, so I chose me. I chose to get off the crazy train, i chose not to watch him lose control, I chose not to witness his beautiful mind turn to mush.

I will never allow addiction to control my life again. It's still hard to wrap my head around. How someone can let the booze get the best of them. A normal person would think my gosh, it's just beer, it's not worth ruining your life over, but to an addict it is LIFE . And until the addict decides to seek help, there isn't a damn thing you can do to help them.

All the pretzel like twists I was making in the name of trying to manage my life was only doing one thing - allowing alcoholism to continue to flourish in my home. All those twists were supporting *alcoholism*, not my life.

I was so sad and soooooo exhausted. I was running in quicksand. Running and running and running, faster and faster. Yet not getting further from the bad or closer to the good. I was sinking deeper and deeper until I could no longer breath or even think straight. I was so deep that I felt one more inch and I'd slip under that heavy quicksand and be stuck forever. So I stopped. I had had enough.

I said no more. I stepped out of the quicksand and took my focus off alcoholism and my alcoholic and put it on myself. I began to manage *my life* not the alcoholism.

Do not support his relapses. His drinking is the quicksand. Stay out of it. What can you do to continue living and to continue to experience happiness, health, energy, and peace?

Al-anon helps many. SR and a personal counselor helped me a lot. Keep reading and the stickies at the top are chucked full of info.

When you finally reach your bottom you will have had enough.

He is not relapsing because he is not in recovery, he is just not drinking for periods of time.

This is a progressive disease, this will get worse and continue to do so...until he stops drinking and works a strong recovery program...for life...there is no cure for this disease..it is only a matter of whether he is drinking or not...that's it.

Your life with him will be a rollercoaster ride, strap yourself in and get to some Alanon meetings...it will help...also, take some time to read Codependent No More...it is a good starting point...for you.

Thank You
 

Thank you all for your kind advise. He went out last night and hasn't come home yet, this is the first time this has happened. He didn't call and hasn't been answering his phone. This may be the last straw. Right now I'm worried, hurt, frustrated, disappointed, and angry. We only have one car, so I've had to take the day of from work. I've spent the last several hours trying to decide how to deal with this when he does finally come home. I have a firend I can call and I know I need to leave the house once he gets home, I need to know he's ok, but once I know he's ok, I know that I'm going to be angry, right now I"m bouncing between worry and anger. I think my reply is going to have to be that either we start counceling and the drinkng stops NOW or I'm done. Wish me luck, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.

Good Luck to you today. It might be best to get out of the house before he comes home. I dont think today will be a good day to discuss everything. Just my opition.

Hugs your way

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You have gotten some excellent advice but I just wanted to say that I'm sending you lots of support and prayers for today! Stepsforward gave good advice. Today probably won't be a good day to talk about anything, you may have to wait until you sense that he is sober and willing to at least listen to you. And, yes, you are strong enough! Alcoholics pick strong partners, it's because we are strong that we are involved with addicts. They need us and we fall into their traps. Please find an Al Anon meeting near you, they will support you and love you and you will soon feel peace.

Al-Anon's Third Tradition states:

The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves an Al-Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.

The 1st thousand times I heard and read this I understood it to mean that someone else had a problem. One day it occurred to me that I am largely incapable of truly assessing whether or not anyone else has a problem. I came to see that I can determine whether or not I have a problem with another person's drinking. It is because of my problem that I attend Al-Anon meetings wherein I learn how to take care of myself and my problems.

Just to let everyone know, he did come home safe earlier today, he had slept in the car. We only have one car, so I wasn't able to leave before he got home. But when he got home, all I did was give him a hug, tell him I'm glad he was safe, then I left. I came home a few hours later, but we still haven't spoken. I'm still so angry and don't know how to deal with this yet. I don't think I'm ready to give up on him, I can't just give up on someone I love like that, but I found an Al-Anon meeting near me tonight that I'm going to go to. I can't thank you enough for your support, it's extremely helpful to be able to reach out to others who have had similar experiences. I've been able to talk to a couple of good friends, but sometimes I don't feel like they understand because they've never experienced anything like this.

I truly understand your feeling on what I quoted from you. I have not given up on the person I love and I never will. You have taken the best step by going to Al_Anon and I have discovered the wonderful people here at SR are really saving my sanity.

We all make decisions that work for each of us. I wish you well and I hope you get the peace you deserve.