PerhapsLove

Could really use some guidance. I backed off from helping my adult alcoholic daughter after a year of multiple attempts to "get" her better. She has lost everything, job, home, child. She presently is living with a drug addict boyfriend and his parents, hours away from us. As best I can tell she has not had anything (drugs or alcohol) for a month. She messed up big time at her ex-husband's house while visiting their daughter. At least it seems to have made an impression, but I know how that goes.

Anyway, my issue is that she called in the middle of the night, crying, and said the bf had woken up and started throwing her around the room. His parents intervened, but he now insists that she "behave" and "act normal" or she will have no place to live. I heard his mother apologizing to her over the phone, so I believe the story.

Can anyone advise me what to tell her to do? I believe she is trying and wants to get back home but I don't want to enable. There can be only minimal monetary support, and living with us is not an option. I don't know how to find a sober house, or whether they would even take her. She is about to run out of unemployment.

I feel myself being dragged back into the panic mode, but I want to help if I can avoid enabling. Just don't know what to tell her.

Thumper

You could give her the number to a local to her domestic violence hotline. They will help her.

Tuffgirl

Wow. As a Mother, my first reaction it so say "go over there, beat the crap out of him, and take her home with you". But alas, I imagine she is an adult and you'd get arrested for that.

SO instead, I would suggest talking with her once the situation has calmed down a bit. Maybe, if she is sober and open to it, you both together can brainstorm other options. She has choices, but she may not be able to see those choices with her nose right in the middle of this drama.

dollydo

"To me, "tough love" means not letting her drag me down. Not giving her money for anything, even when she says she has no money for food. It means not getting her to her probation officer, not facilitating contact with her daughter, not "rescuing" her. "

I think you said it best...she is an adult, she has made her choices, until she reaches her bottom, she will never have an opportunity to get back up and become a responsible functioning adult.

Enabling and letting her move back home is not the answer and you know that. I know it hurts, however, you can end up "helping" her to death.

I would suggest that you do not over react, I would imagine by now she is back in lovely dovey land with her ABF. Sit back and wait, see what she tells you next, based on what I've gone thru with addicts, it will probably be a whole new story.

tjp613

I wonder what she would do if you were not around?

PerhapsLove

I don't know what she would do if I weren't around. Her dad died a year and a half ago, and since her alcoholism got out of control, my husband (her step-dad) and I have been the only family speaking to her. I did give her the domestic violence hotline # and she said she called. She seemed grateful, but is still with the ABF. She said he and his parents are acting as though nothing happened. She wants to leave but has burned so many bridges that no one in the family will take her. And she has no money. I will continue to be in touch with her to see how things play out. They are at least calm tonight.

PerhapsLove

You are right that at least the ABF is back in lovey-dovey land. His comment: "Gosh I have one fight with my girlfriend and it's like the end of the world." His father gave him $500 cash and he promptly bought heroin with it. My daughter said she didn't use any and still sounds sober but scared. She said things were calm, but she is prepared to call the local domestic violence hotline if things start up again. I think his parents are scared of him too.

Seren

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation in which your daughter finds herself. I hope that she keeps the DV number handy!