gourami11

Hi everyone,
I am in a no-contact situation with my ex alcoholic fiance. However, I would like to send him some AA literature. however, I would like to send it anonymously. Is that stupid/detrimental/wrong? I would like some advice, please, esp. if you have done this or you are an alcoholic--is this a bad or good idea?

Background: He admits he's alcoholic, but thinks "willpower" can solve it, and yet, if someone else calls out his alcoholism, they are "insulting his character." But he's classic drinker/turns from dr jekyl to mr hyde/turns mean and/or embarrassing, then is super ashamed and remorseful the next day. He broke it off with me this time, I've called him on his alcoholism and abuse, now I'm "the reason for it" etc.

I don't expect to get back with him, and don't want to unless he gets help. But I would like to send him this literature, because I think he may be receptive. What do you think? Thanks in advance for your honesty.

The lit would be the Is AA for me pamphet and the AA quiz (which I think he would answer at least 9 of the 12 questions "yes")

dollydo

He knows where to get the literature if that is what he wants.

It's over, work on you, move forward with your life...stop trying to save him..you are not that powerful..cannot be done.

gourami11

Thanks very much--I really appreciate your candor.

Spes

I have every book and pamphlet AA writes in a bookcase in our house. My AW knows they are there and doesn't touch them.

Anvilhead and Dollydo called it exactly.

jamaicamecrazy

I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering if there is something else I have not done or tried to do to help him. Then I realize there is not. My AH knows where to go for help. He just needs to decide to do it. Thinking about him takes away from me. I know that sounds selfish but at this point I realize all the time and energy I invested in him and his drinking that eventually made me feel anxious, resentful and angry. I don't want to live my life that way any more.
You have done the right thing by deciding to go NC. Those thoughts are just a slip back into co dependency. We all have those moments. These boards are a good reality check.

choublak

Aside from the fact that it won't make a difference anyway...

You're going to "anonymously" mail him literature...you don't think he'd figure out it was you?

lillamy

My AXH went through rehab. Sober for 100 days plus and went back to drinking and now tells me he never thought he was an alcoholic, he just went to rehab (to the tune of what, $25K?) because he thought I'd come back. (Which just tells me that if I had come back, he would have said "mission accomplished" and gone back to drinking, but I digress...)

He's on antipsychotic medicine. He goes to weekly individual therapy and group therapy. He will just not do anything that requires him to stop drinking...

I'm telling this story because... that's how strong addiction is. A person can have spent months in rehab and AA meetings and relapse and know all that stuff and still choose to pretend it doesn't exist, because it interferes with the only thing that's important in the world: DRINKING.

Move on. He will sink or swim. You can't help him, but you can help yourself by letting go.

Carol Star

In my opinion it is managing- a big no no in Alanon.......no managing, manipulating, mothering or being a martyr.....An active A would throw it (literature) in the trash.......Try Alanon- learning to put the focus back on you- to save your serenity.

Taking5

AA is everywhere, if he wants help he knows what to do. If you do send him the literature, please have ZERO expectations about it.

fourmaggie

oooh gosh,.....please LET GO AND LET GOD....trust me, it works...work you program PERIOD....

leave him alone

gourami11

Thanks everyone. I knew you'd talk me out of it. I appreciate your frankness and know it's not for me to do.

Tuffgirl

So tempting, though. And easy to think they are receptive when in fact, they aren't. Sorry for your situation, but acceptance of what is right now is key to finding your own path and peace.

Take good care!

onlythetruth

I once read a very insightful description of Codependency: "The condition where you chase someone else around with a self-help book."

Don't send him the AA literature. His sobriety is up to him, and if he decides to do it, his program or pathway is up to him, too.

NYCDoglvr

No, do not send him anything or contact him. His problems are not your problems.

Cyranoak

Passive-aggressive controlling, codependency, and the inability to observe boundaries all in one fell swoop. Wow.

Please consider minding your own business, and please consider Alanon if you aren't already going.

Cyranoak

gourami11

I came her for help, but not judgment. I really don't appreciate your sarcasm. Is it your business if I go to al-Anon or not? I do, I realize there is an issue here, but I really don't think your tone is very civil, particularly since I've admitted in the thread that I realized it wasn't a good idea and other people had since talked me out of it.

Thanks to everyone for your honest but not judgmental feedback. I really do appreciate it. Like others here, I'm experiencing deep loss and pain, learning to let go, and trying to grow as a person.

skarletstarlet

Hello there gourami, thanks for posting that. We are in such a similar situation. My XAF also thinks willpower is enough. Sigh. I wish you the best even though I don't have an answer for you. Hugs.

FedUpWith2Brats

My ex AH was in the hospital. He had peed on himself and continued mowing the lawn, oblivious to his public humiliation. He put lettuce, dressing and silverware in my purse, he totaled his truck and drove home, unaware the police were behind him and his truck was ruined. (He got a DUI for that one). Just a few examples of his behavior.
Anyways, the Dr. came in and said his liver was shot, if he didn't quit drinking he would die. The next morning the social worker came in with Literature for him about AA, alcoholism, health effects, etc. He turned on me and screamed why didn't I shut my big mouth! The social worker told him I had said nothing, they sent her up to him after he still had a blood alcohol reading 2 days after no booze. He still didn't get it, told her to get the F out and that he DID NOT have a drinking problem.
My point is that there is nothing you or anyone else can do until he hits his own personal rock bottom and reaches out for help. Painful as it may be, say a mental good-bye and move on with your own life. You can't fix someone who doesn't think they are broken.

Anappleaday

I'm glad to see that you realize sending him AA literature wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I have been in your shoes and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do is an awful feeling. The only way to find the answers is to keep sharing and asking. Alanon is also a great place to get helpful information and support if you need it to help you.

Carol Star

oh boy- I have chased around with the self-help books after people- darn- we just want to help- BUT it doesn't- until as the Big Book of AA says until they are "entirely ready"......in a meeting/workshop for Alanon a speaker said-" don't help people unless they ask".....did they ask ?