Sending AA lit to XABF? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Go Back   SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information >
Register Blogs FAQ Members List Calendar Arcade Mark Forums Read




Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-21-2012, 05:41 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15

Sending AA lit to XABF?


Hi everyone,
I am in a no-contact situation with my ex alcoholic fiance. However, I would like to send him some AA literature. however, I would like to send it anonymously. Is that stupid/detrimental/wrong? I would like some advice, please, esp. if you have done this or you are an alcoholic--is this a bad or good idea?

Background: He admits he's alcoholic, but thinks "willpower" can solve it, and yet, if someone else calls out his alcoholism, they are "insulting his character." But he's classic drinker/turns from dr jekyl to mr hyde/turns mean and/or embarrassing, then is super ashamed and remorseful the next day. He broke it off with me this time, I've called him on his alcoholism and abuse, now I'm "the reason for it" etc.

I don't expect to get back with him, and don't want to unless he gets help. But I would like to send him this literature, because I think he may be receptive. What do you think? Thanks in advance for your honesty.

The lit would be the Is AA for me pamphet and the AA quiz (which I think he would answer at least 9 of the 12 questions "yes")
gourami11 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gourami11 For This Useful Post:
skarletstarlet (04-24-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 06:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 

Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He knows where to get the literature if that is what he wants.

It's over, work on you, move forward with your life...stop trying to save him..you are not that powerful..cannot be done.
dollydo is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (04-24-2012), gourami11 (04-21-2012), Hollyanne (04-22-2012), jdaviscpd (04-24-2012), laurie6781 (04-21-2012), Tuffgirl (04-23-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 06:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks very much--I really appreciate your candor.
gourami11 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gourami11 For This Useful Post:
Hollyanne (04-22-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 06:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 252
Blog Entries: 8
I have every book and pamphlet AA writes in a bookcase in our house. My AW knows they are there and doesn't touch them.

Anvilhead and Dollydo called it exactly.
Spes is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Spes For This Useful Post:
gourami11 (04-22-2012), Hollyanne (04-22-2012), wicked (04-21-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 07:33 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering if there is something else I have not done or tried to do to help him. Then I realize there is not. My AH knows where to go for help. He just needs to decide to do it. Thinking about him takes away from me. I know that sounds selfish but at this point I realize all the time and energy I invested in him and his drinking that eventually made me feel anxious, resentful and angry. I don't want to live my life that way any more.
You have done the right thing by deciding to go NC. Those thoughts are just a slip back into co dependency. We all have those moments. These boards are a good reality check.
jamaicamecrazy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jamaicamecrazy For This Useful Post:
gourami11 (04-22-2012), Hollyanne (04-22-2012), outtolunch (04-21-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 07:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
choublak's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,665
Aside from the fact that it won't make a difference anyway...

You're going to "anonymously" mail him literature...you don't think he'd figure out it was you?
choublak is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to choublak For This Useful Post:
zxcirce (04-23-2012)
Old 04-21-2012, 09:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
My AXH went through rehab. Sober for 100 days plus and went back to drinking and now tells me he never thought he was an alcoholic, he just went to rehab (to the tune of what, $25K?) because he thought I'd come back. (Which just tells me that if I had come back, he would have said "mission accomplished" and gone back to drinking, but I digress...)

He's on antipsychotic medicine. He goes to weekly individual therapy and group therapy. He will just not do anything that requires him to stop drinking...

I'm telling this story because... that's how strong addiction is. A person can have spent months in rehab and AA meetings and relapse and know all that stuff and still choose to pretend it doesn't exist, because it interferes with the only thing that's important in the world: DRINKING.

Move on. He will sink or swim. You can't help him, but you can help yourself by letting go.
__________________
Amy
"If you're going through hell, keep going!" (Winston Churchill)
"Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable." (LaTeeDa)
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
lillamy is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lillamy For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (04-24-2012), gourami11 (04-22-2012), Hollyanne (04-22-2012), Tuffgirl (04-23-2012)
Old 04-22-2012, 01:12 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,331
Blog Entries: 2
In my opinion it is managing- a big no no in Alanon.......no managing, manipulating, mothering or being a martyr.....An active A would throw it (literature) in the trash.......Try Alanon- learning to put the focus back on you- to save your serenity.
Carol Star is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Carol Star For This Useful Post:
FedUpWith2Brats (04-24-2012), FindingJoy (04-24-2012), Hollyanne (04-22-2012), wicked (04-22-2012)
Old 04-22-2012, 03:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Taking5's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,070
AA is everywhere, if he wants help he knows what to do. If you do send him the literature, please have ZERO expectations about it.
__________________
It is easier to practice total abstinence than perfect moderation
_______________________________________
Any quotes from the big book of AA are from the first edition, or are otherwise exempt from copyright infringement under the "fair use doctrine".
Taking5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-22-2012, 03:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
oooh gosh,.....please LET GO AND LET GOD....trust me, it works...work you program PERIOD....

leave him alone
__________________
~~Just for today i will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but i will have it~~JUST FOR TODAY
~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ANONYMOUS
fourmaggie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-23-2012, 06:24 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks everyone. I knew you'd talk me out of it. I appreciate your frankness and know it's not for me to do.
gourami11 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to gourami11 For This Useful Post:
Cyranoak (04-24-2012), Tuffgirl (04-23-2012)
Old 04-23-2012, 09:43 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 

Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
So tempting, though. And easy to think they are receptive when in fact, they aren't. Sorry for your situation, but acceptance of what is right now is key to finding your own path and peace.

Take good care!
__________________
Make Mistakes! If you make mistakes, it means you are out there doing something. Neil Gaiman
Tuffgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (04-24-2012), Cyranoak (04-24-2012), gourami11 (04-24-2012), theuncertainty (04-24-2012)
Old 04-23-2012, 05:01 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member of SMART Recovery
 
onlythetruth's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I once read a very insightful description of Codependency: "The condition where you chase someone else around with a self-help book."

Don't send him the AA literature. His sobriety is up to him, and if he decides to do it, his program or pathway is up to him, too.
__________________
OTT


"Do, or do not. There is no 'try.'"
-- Jedi Master Yoda
onlythetruth is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to onlythetruth For This Useful Post:
Carol Star (04-24-2012), Cyranoak (04-24-2012), gourami11 (04-24-2012), Katiekate (04-23-2012), theuncertainty (04-24-2012), Tuffgirl (04-24-2012)
Old 04-24-2012, 10:10 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 

Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,117
No, do not send him anything or contact him. His problems are not your problems.
NYCDoglvr is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
Cyranoak (04-24-2012)
Old 04-24-2012, 05:44 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,045
Passive-aggressive controlling, codependency, and the inability to observe boundaries all in one fell swoop. Wow.

Please consider minding your own business, and please consider Alanon if you aren't already going.

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 09:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
Passive-aggressive controlling, codependency, and the inability to observe boundaries all in one fell swoop. Wow.

Please consider minding your own business, and please consider Alanon if you aren't already going.

Cyranoak
I came her for help, but not judgment. I really don't appreciate your sarcasm. Is it your business if I go to al-Anon or not? I do, I realize there is an issue here, but I really don't think your tone is very civil, particularly since I've admitted in the thread that I realized it wasn't a good idea and other people had since talked me out of it.

Thanks to everyone for your honest but not judgmental feedback. I really do appreciate it. Like others here, I'm experiencing deep loss and pain, learning to let go, and trying to grow as a person.
gourami11 is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to gourami11 For This Useful Post:
Anappleaday (04-24-2012)
Old 04-24-2012, 09:17 PM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
skarletstarlet's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 76
Hello there gourami, thanks for posting that. We are in such a similar situation. My XAF also thinks willpower is enough. Sigh. I wish you the best even though I don't have an answer for you. Hugs.
__________________
"And now you're back - You don't get to get me back"
~
"I'm on the ledge, while you're so... You're so polite and composed. I KNOW you see me, and you're making it look so easy. What comes and goes I go without. I know you're fine, but what do I do?"
~
skarletstarlet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-24-2012, 10:51 PM   #18 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Somewhere, IL
Posts: 43
My ex AH was in the hospital. He had peed on himself and continued mowing the lawn, oblivious to his public humiliation. He put lettuce, dressing and silverware in my purse, he totaled his truck and drove home, unaware the police were behind him and his truck was ruined. (He got a DUI for that one). Just a few examples of his behavior.
Anyways, the Dr. came in and said his liver was shot, if he didn't quit drinking he would die. The next morning the social worker came in with Literature for him about AA, alcoholism, health effects, etc. He turned on me and screamed why didn't I shut my big mouth! The social worker told him I had said nothing, they sent her up to him after he still had a blood alcohol reading 2 days after no booze. He still didn't get it, told her to get the F out and that he DID NOT have a drinking problem.
My point is that there is nothing you or anyone else can do until he hits his own personal rock bottom and reaches out for help. Painful as it may be, say a mental good-bye and move on with your own life. You can't fix someone who doesn't think they are broken.

Last edited by FedUpWith2Brats; 04-24-2012 at 10:58 PM. Reason: left out a word
FedUpWith2Brats is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2012, 12:04 AM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 

Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 38
I'm glad to see that you realize sending him AA literature wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I have been in your shoes and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do is an awful feeling. The only way to find the answers is to keep sharing and asking. Alanon is also a great place to get helpful information and support if you need it to help you.
Anappleaday is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2012, 05:20 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 

Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,331
Blog Entries: 2
oh boy- I have chased around with the self-help books after people- darn- we just want to help- BUT it doesn't- until as the Big Book of AA says until they are "entirely ready"......in a meeting/workshop for Alanon a speaker said-" don't help people unless they ask".....did they ask ?
Carol Star is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
alcoholic , alcoholic anonymous , question , support


Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:26 AM.