saljay

I've been visiting/reading here for about three weeks. A lot has happened.
I asked/told my AH to leave after his last drunk episode where he threatened me. A few days later, he did.

I started going to Al-Anon. I've been attending 1-2 meetings a week. They help. I've been reading, reading, reading. Both Al-Anon stuff and other things about alcoholism and codependence.

And I've been doing a lot of thinking/praying/processing.

My AH lost his license due to DUI. He has to attend a class in another state once a week. I've been taking off work in the afternoon once a week to drive him there. Those days are hard. He's on his best behavior, of course, and it reminds me of what we used to have, what we could have been.

I came to a realization this week. I dropped him off and watched him walk to his place. He looked beaten and down. And I sobbed as I drove away, hurting for him and for me.

One thing that's been holding me back is the thought that I've read here from others: what if he COULD get better, and does get better, but I've thrown him away??

I realized that he might have the potential to be a good husband for someone, but too much damage has been done for that person to be me. He was a good husband while sober. But he was a terrible husband when drunk. He's said and done things that can't be undone or forgotten. If I had a friend whose husband threatened to kill her, who said he hated her, wanted her dead, had cheated on her ... I'd tell her to RUN far away, and fast. I mean, why would anyone stay??? So why in the heck am I thinking twice about this? He's out of my house, I'm halfway to freedom, I should be THRILLED.

So maybe someday he'll get sober and stop being a rageaholic. And maybe he'll be a good, loyal, sober, devoted husband. But it's too late for us. Because he already WASN'T those things for me, and those are things I deserve.

So although I know this. I KNOW this. It's so painful, though. I should be so happy to get out of this craziness, but I'm so sad.

Marytherboo

Saljay, the sadness is as legitimate as the happiness at your newfound freedom. It will do its work for you and then pass. Be gentle with yourself, understand that you're grieving a very real loss and will probably pass through all the stages of that process before you're fully past it. That's okay, it's supposed to work that way. I'm almost two months out and I still don't go through a whole day without sorrow. But I have moments of real happiness now, and peace. I'm not mad or bitter any more, at least not at the surface. It's getting better and good things are starting to happen in my life that let me know I made the right choice. Hang in there, I'm pulling for you!

saljay

Thanks, Mary.
This site helps, people who GET these mixed-up feelings!
A friend of mine, seeing how down I was feeling yesterday, said to go get a mani/pedi. So my daughter and I went last night and got pampered. I've never had a pedi before. I loved it, but it TICKLED! I let my daughter pick my polish color, and she picked the brightest hot pink they had for my toes. (Had to go more conservative on my hands, lol.) Now I smile every time I look at my toes. My hot pink toes make me happy today

Katiekate

Saljay, thanks for posting. My heart is aching for you, and me , and all of us.

Be compassionate with yourself.

love to you K

EnglishGarden

I know your heartache, too. Alcoholism ravages the soul and the body of a man, it sucks out all his light, and if we have loved this man and known him in better days when he was not consumed by disease, it tears us up to see the disintegration.

Try to remember that you alone are not the only source of goodness or help in his life. That there are others in this world who can help him find his way out of hell and find his way back to wholeness. They meet in basements of churches every day everywhere and they will love him unconditionally and walk with him, if he goes to them. You cannot help him, but they can and with God's grace, if it is God's will, he may find them.

And he may actually, in recovery, live a deeper and more beautiful life than he has known. This can happen for him. Whether it does, is between him and God.

Accept this day and him as he is, today, and know that you cannot predict his future, nor your own, and that miracles happen all the time. And those who once seemed completely lost and inches from death make a turn. You do not know what will happen. Pray for him, let him find his own recovery and his own relationship with his higher power, and try to live only in today. Do not predict a future that has not happened, and be at peace. God is working, even when we do not understand. All we need do is what is right in the moment. And you are doing what is right: refusing to collaborate with the disease that is killing him. And has been destroying you. You are doing what is right. You can let him go. You can make a meaningful safe life for yourself, and you can bless him on his path because he is not alone, not really, and you need not feel any guilt for releasing him.

deracs

Thanks Saljay for writing what I am feeling but could not articulate. Thanks English Garden for making me feel like there's hope and that all will work out for the best. Tough days these are - I just want peace for myself and my son - whether that peace will include my AH is unknown. to slow down and take it one day at a time is hard for me but I am trying to do it and to enjoy it.