itsmylifenow

What a day it has been. I have been struggling all day long to not call the XABF and so far I haven't but the feeling in the pit of my stomach is so strong no amount of distraction seems to make it go away.

I went out for a kayak ride this afternoon and literally talked to myself the whole time (glad no one was around to see it!). I told myself all the stories about him that pissed me off, embarrassed me, hurt me..whatever. Do I want that all back? NO! Even as I was reminding myself of these things the urge to call was still strong.

I want the contact. Don't know why. The conversation will not be anything I want to hear. There's a good chance he will mention going out on dates, (because he feels he needs to be honest about these things), and who knows what.

There is NO need to call him. None. It would not benefit me in the least.

I keep hearing everyone say that it's just an emotion and you don't have to act on it. But, it feels like if I don't act on it soon I'm going to burst. As aggravating as it is to talk to him, it calms me somehow. If I don't sound like a freakin' addict/codie, I don't know what does.

He asked me not to call him or look for him or anything and I know I was really hoping maybe he'd be out today and I might see him.

Is this withdrawal symptoms? Detox? What??? I've broken up with him a zillion times before, why is it so damn bad this time around?

Really working on keeping my mind busy - gotta go clean my house - but I just needed a place to put this so I don't go crazy.

Lilmssunshine

Awesome job at not contacting him thus far!! And its so neat you got some Kayak therapy. Im in the same boat as you as far as wanting to call during NC. I deleted his number though so theres no way in H*ll I can do it. But im going a little crazy at times as well. I think were just getting used to not having them in our lives. This quote helps me alot.

Pain is temporary.
It may last a minute,
or an hour, or a day,
or a year, but eventually
it will subside and something
else will take its place. If I quit,
however, it lasts forever.
-Lance Armstrong

You can do this!

dollydo

Because it's Friday and you think he might be going out on a date...let it go...he is not worth another minute of your time.

suki44883

What you are feeling is entirely normal. You are so used to the chaos that it feels normal to you and when you don't have it, you feel uncomfortable. This will pass if you just hang in there.

I also agree with Anvil that this time, the dynamic is different. HE ended it with you instead of the other way around. I think ego might have a little to do with it because really, how could they NOT want us chasing after them?? How could they NOT want to chase after us??

changeschoices

Perfectly normal urge. You loved him. You wish things could be different. Your brain is wired for life with an addict. I'm right there with you.

Not ignoring/bottling up your emotions is good, but on the other hand, sometimes you really need to get off that train of thought for your own sanity and happiness. Distract yourself, journal your thoughts, call a friend, watch TV, go out to eat, whatever it takes. But don't call him. It will only set you back. It's like sticking your hand in a pile of poop when you just washed it.

You may feel better in time, or you may need to take concrete steps to start reprogramming your thought processes. You can think of all the negative things you want, but when you love someone, it often doesn't matter. You will still love them and remember the good things.

The only thing helping me right now is, when the pain and sadness of missing and worrying about him overtake me is...handing it over to God. It comes into my mind, and I just let it go to Him.

changeschoices

Also, I'm posting here to vent and maintain my sanity!

Lilmssunshine

Halarious!!!!

Katiekate

It will set you back, it always set me back.

2 or 3 days to recover. Not worth it anymore.

hug

itsmylifenow

Thanks...it's amazing how your brain knows these things but taming the emotions..that's a tricky thing.

I debated about going out tonight because I'd be over where he lives but then told myself that I made a promise I wouldn't go by there so I need to keep that. Seems to be good enough motivation at the moment. I tried giving myself a reward for not doing a drive by but decided there wasn't anything inexpensive I would want that would work! Only the best for my rewards!

I know that you can think negative just as easily as positive and I can think about him every second or I can think about something else. Looks like I need to work on the something else.

itsmylifenow

Update: Well, I was proud of myself that I was out near his house and didn't have the urge to drive by. The feelings subsided by then so I was doing good.

Then I went out and wasn't he there. Watch what you put into your mind because the universe has a way of bringing you what you think about...whether you really want it or not.

We didn't talk at all..I acknowledged him and that was it. Went on with my business and had fun dancing.

At 1:30 this morning he calls my cell, calls my house. Leaves me messages telling me off, saying fu and one where he's flushing a toilet. Then I get 3 emails telling me fu some more and one where he sends me the link to his dating profile. I'm actually happy I already knew about this so he couldn't get the satisfaction of thinking he hurt me by sending it to me.

This morning I get an apology email blaming the fact he had seen me and that I didn't answer his calls put him in a foul mood. So, this morning he's sorry for telling me fu.

No one deserves this. No one deserves to be yelled at, made to believe someone else's actions are because of something they did/didn't do, be so disrespected and treated like garbage...all in the name of "love". No, this isn't love. This is abuse.

I may have to just stay home for the next few months...or my whole life until this ends...maybe it never will.

suki44883

You can put a stop to that garbage at any time.