Looking4ward

Hi, I wanted to hear from all of you. How are you getting better. This is important for me 'cause, well, I've been a little down on myself lately and could use some inspiring stories.
But I also realized something important. Although I have little in the way of material changes, I realized I have gone from feeling I was a bad person, to feeling that I am a talented, good and intelligent person in a bad state. I'm going to take that as a milestone.
I'd love to hear how you think you have been improving!

MsGrace

I think for me, the clear decision to not live with active alcoholism started many things in motion. Yes, staggeringly painful for the abrupt end, and with it, the end of my self-imposed illusions. Through the process of really digging in and learning about the disease, participating in Al Anon, reading, gradually the focus turned inward. I've uncovered those parts of myself that was so willing to live in the "pink bubble" of illusion, because I wanted so much to believe the image the AH presented to me and the world. I was able to realize that my willingness to participate fully in the illness is where all the pain and confusion and drama and heartache really came from. Was not so easy to walk through, but so, so worth it.

Today, 6 months after the end, I'm so much better. I have a deep, profound appreciation for the peace and quiet in my home. No more wondering what catastrophe was awaiting me. That peace of mind is so priceless. I'm beginning to re-focus on my business, fostering old friendships (which languished as I became full fledged caretaker of an addict) and developing new ones. I've had to walk through financial terror and uncertainty, but realized that I've always landed on my feet and I will this time too. When I look into my future, all I can see is bright blue sky. The contrast between how I felt 6 months ago till now is unbelievable. It happened one day at a time.

What I know about myself is that I'm strong, I deserve to have wonderful loving relationships in my life, and if I never have another primary relationship, I'm absolutely happy right as I am. I am enough. I've come full circle in forgiveness to the AH...he lost his job yesterday and is clearly on death row. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to wake up today inside his skin and head. I wish him the best, and sincerely hope he finds his way.

Meanwhile, I have a good friend coming from Denver this weekend and we are going to co-teach a workshop then have as much fun is as humanly possible.

Looking4ward

Ai! What a beautiful story. Please post more! Although I have to say... I'm a little more than a year out and I wish I had your fortitude. Though, best foot forward, right? Whenever things start falling down a bit, I try to "fake it til I make it" - you know, go through the motions of a healthy person until I actually AM one.
Thanks so much!
One day at a time...

MsGrace

You got it Looking! I just kept thinking of "what would restore my peace, my sense of safety, my joy TODAY"

Staying focused on exactly what I needed...day by day, helped keep me from obsessing about what he was doing, not doing ect. Getting to that part required a complete surrender of thought: I had absolutely no jurisdiction over him or his choices. I think for many of us we default into surrender...there comes a moment when it becomes too obvious to deny that we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

You can do this. Be good to yourself...one day at a time.

Looking4ward

Thanks again, though just for clarification, I left my AH a little more than one year ago - had a mishap where I let him back in over the holidays and backed out again in March. If I'm getting obsessed, it's with my own INaction, though thanks for the kind words! Trying to truck it along...

Tuffgirl

I am a work in progress, and I hope to never stop being that.

My RAH and I remain married, but living separately. I moved out in January 2011. He's been sober for 18 months in May. I am very proud of him.

But we take it all one day at a time. Some days are FANTASTIC, others, well, not so great. But that's life, right? Up and down, ebb and flow.

But today I can detach, not take everything so personally, not overreact to minor things, and above all else, let a lot of stuff go. Al-Anon, SR, and a great therapist have taught me that, and I am forever grateful for the new tools in my tool box.

I can look back on it all now and be thankful for my journey, because I have become a more stable, grounded, and reasonable person because of it.

Thanks for the positive thread! Gets us thinking about things that are good, versus dwelling on the things that are bad.

Lilmssunshine

Im still having NC with my "lover" who is an A. I feel very proud of the amount of time ive been able to have NC with him. I don't know if he is actively working on his problems. Part of me hopes he is, part of me just detaches just in case he doesn't. I feel very strong and independent.

School is almost over this semester and I got a new job

Ive been sober for 13 days today. My feelings are thawing out. Especially grief from the death of a loved one I havent fully dealt with. Thats been the hardest part. My life has much less drama in it now. Im not causing drama by drinking, nor is anyone else (I dont allow it).

Im pretty darn good I must say

brownhorse

I am learning that when I make my STBXRA responsible for himself and the kids, he actually starts making some asult decisions. Also, that I let him get to me. I am not responsible for him. I also get to go home every day and have the peace of mind that I may be going to bed alone, but the drama and worry is locked out of my home. Sleeping better than ever! Well, except when the new cute, little puppy wakes me up. But, that is OK because I am suppose to take care of him.

LoveAllGone

I have always been a worrier, even before I met my STBXAH and in school I was a great student but I about drove myself crazy with worrying about assignments and grades. It runs in my family. My great grandmother always said if God condemned her to hell for anything it would be worrying over everything. Man, I miss her!

Anyway, I will agree that the PEACE is wonderful. I love being able to come home and get into my routine without having to wonder if AH is going to come home or not. Whether he's going to be drinking or drunk when he gets home. Whether we're going to fuss and fight the rest of the night and I have to get up and go to work the next day after being up all hrs of the night. Now my son and I have peace and quiet and it is absolutely wonderful. I've always taken care of us financially so that really didn't really change much. The STBXAH only contributed here and there so that's no biggy. I sleep soundlessy! I knew all along I wasn't responsible for him but I always felt like I was...now I know and feel like he's responsible or himself! I can't do it for him and if I could it would have been done many years ago. He can live his life and he so chooses and I have already started living mine and I'm so happy that I finally made the decision to put this drama out of my life for good. I wish him well and I hope one day he finds the help he needs but I honestly don't ever see him doing any different.

fedup3

I think about my ex less and less with each day. I have a closer relationship with my kids like never before and see them a lot more now that XAH is not around. I sleep quietly in a dark still house at night and the only reason I might wake up is my own doing. I come home from work and I know what I'm going to find there. All my bills are way down since no one is home using the utilities during the day and I'm actually able to save money now! Also, from someone who was becoming a hermit I'm actually becoming a social butterfly! I will be honest that I have my times when like a flood the emotions swell up and I remember some good times that were in my marriage but most of it probably wasn't reality only wishing it was true.

nodaybut2day

Well, I left my XAH at the end of October 2009. The move was rather dramatic, after he threatened to keep me prisoner in the apartment if I didn't "sign over" joint custody to him. So I ran. All the way to my parents' house, which was and continues to be a blessing. There I was able to see what it was like to live in peace, without the constant stress of DRAMA looming over my head. My DD started smiling again; I started sleeping again. I also started individual counselling, along with Al-Anon and SR, and all of it really helped me understand the extent of the abuse I went through and allowed me to heal. The entire experience yielded another wonderful outcome: I discovered my faith in my HP.

XAH and I had sporadic contact after the separation because we have a DD together; he also made vague threats here and there to tell the whole world I was a wh*re in an attempt to bully me or get me to do stuff for him. Obviously, because he was abusive, mediation never worked. I facilitated all visitations with DD (meaning driving her to and from, providing food, diapers, etc) to prove I wasn't trying to take away his parental rights. I went to court in May 2010 and got sole physical custody granted because XAH never showed.

After that, visitation stopped, mostly because I stopped it. He refused to let me see where/with whom he lived and wanted me to just drop my then 22 month old on some street corner. Um, no.

I haven't heard from XAH in almost two years now, and after having paid off all the debt he put in my name, after having put aside from savings and almost fixed my credit rating, I'm about to take legal steps to finally obtain sole legal custody of DD, as well as the permanent right to travel and renew her passport without XAH's consent. The lack of contact between XAH and I was truly what gave me perspective on what poor choices I made; continuing to come to SR allows me to get daily reminders of how to avoid making those choices once more.

So, we're all good. DD is almost 4, healthy and very spirited. I'm about to launch into a FT Masters' degree, and XAH...well, I assume he's slinking around somewhere, having gotten a few other girls pregnant and living off them now.

ODAT63

23 months since my husband now X left, I have my bed all to myself, I keep making payments to my home and paying bills, credit score is awesome, have plenty of time for me, children, family, DGD, can do what ever I want and my home stays clean and fresh, I cook whenever I want or just eat out, my heart doesn't hurt on my way home thinking what am I going to find once I am there.
I go to my al non meetings and stay to mingle without worries, do service work, my BF is a normie and I am learnign how a woman should be treated, with love and respect.
My two sons are respecting me more now and they call me for advice and I am able to give them loving advice and acceptance.
They know now that I can handle the truth and they are learning to be honest with me.
I can travel and make plans and KNOW that there will be no disappointments because they are MY plans.
I learned to keep a gratitud journal, and life if getting better every day, and I can go on and on with how much better life is now without AH.
I do have some bad days but by all means they do NOT compare to the days living with AH.
Life is much better. Thank you.

LifeRecovery

I have learned that "Surviving is important, but thriving is elegant." Maya Angelou

I am not yet at the thriving point, but I am pulling myself out of the surviving mode and the perspective is fantastic. Like the plants in my yard I have to be grounded before I can bloom.

I have also learned that self care is not selfishness....and if I don't take care of myself, no one else will.

changeschoices

It's only been a week now since I made AXBF leave, but I can go out of the house without the gripping fear that, when I get home, he will not be there because he's out drinking and driving. If he gets one more DUI, it's mandatory 6 months prison. So just leaving my house to do errands, I was almost sick with the fear that when I got home, he'd be gone and then shortly I'd be getting the call from jail. Then having to tell my kids, family, and friends that my BF, who I was supposed to marry this fall, "went away" for six months.

There is something very, very wrong in your life when you are afraid to go grocery shopping because you fear your whole life may be dismantled by the time you get back.

GuyinLA

I'm only on day 5 but I already have more money in my pocket than I would have. I'm going to buy a new pair of sneakers tomorrow because to me, it's free money! I would always look at something like a new laptop or a new watch and think, oh, that's a little expensive for me right now. I can't afford it. Then spend $200 that night in a bar. Moronic.

tabatha

Mine may be different than others here as my XABF died from alcohol related health issues. We weren't living together at the time of his death but had remained friends with no romantic 'love connection.' I learned how to live in reality even if it seems a little harsh sometimes. I don't romanticize relationships anymore and go off in a romantic day dream of what could be. I feel great keeping my feet on the ground and my heart in the reality of what 'is'. I appreciate not having my thinking twisted to adjust to an alcoholic's world. I don't doubt myself anymore and I don't question if maybe I was the one that was crazy. I feel normal and sane and mentally healthy.

Katiekate

Thanks so much for this thread.

I really needed tonight.

celticgenes

Wow, thanks for this thread. I'm 10 weeks out & had been feeling like I should have it more together by now. LOL. I really need to cut myself some slack!

I have peace in knowing that plans I make will not be changed on a whim at the last moment. I have no more "gaslight' quack, quack conversations, leaving me wondering if I really am the crazy one.

I'm on relationship hiatus right now to work on me, and my choice in men, but I look forward to the time when I am ready to bring a new (healthy) man into my life.

Also, since my AXF was older than me, and disabled. I am really loving getting back to doing physical things again! No more sitting on the couch!

Looking4ward

Ady_gil, That quote is absolutely amazing. This is exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this. Like I said, I Wish I had some material changes in my life, but I can tell my self-worth is shifting around, and that's a lot. I guess the financial stability, peace of mind can follow now, praying to the HP that it will.

Nodaybut2day - you inspire me. I think you're now my hero!!!

Oh, and BTW, tonight I went to my first meditation session ever - I almost didn't go (it's almost scary how I can talk myself out of doing things I know are good/enjoyable). I met a woman who started meditation to let go of her tension, fear, anxiety caused by 3rd-stage cancer and ended up creating the most miraculous changes in her life. Perception is truly a wonderous thing!

lillamy

Yes. That. Definitely.
And it's not happening automatically and it's not happening fast and it's not happening all at once.

But my latest "achievement" if you want to call it that is that I've managed to adapt in a way that is healthy for me to an unhealthy situation in my workplace. I'm saddled with working with a person who is so reminiscent of AXH that it's frightening. Behaviors, modes of speech, even the way he moves. And I realized that I was reacting to this man the same way I used to react to AXH. Backing down, making nice, making sure he was pleased with how things happened.

And then one day we had an incident/interaction that just made me go "f*** this s**t" and from then on, I have not backed down. I'm standing my ground. I'm taking up space and making sure my voice is heard. And if he doesn't like it, well, eff him and the horse he rode in on. (I'm sure that's not quite the self-awareness and courage to speak your mind we learn in Al-Anon, but hey, it works so I'm working it.)

I am also slowly learning to worry less and trust my HP more. It's a work in progress, but I am getting better at separating what I can from what I can't control and let go of the latter.

Progress. It's a good thing.