How are things getting better for you?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Focus on me- instead of him, gave him to HIM, educating myself on codependence and going to Alanon, that Lundy book helps me understand my abusive Dad, and XAH's abusive........ behaviors.....intuitively knowing when things are not helping my serentity.......have healthy friends......learned to give it to God and joined a meditation group where I hear the answers ! I heard a wonderful quote at a meeting last night- needing a "checkup from the neckup"........SR helps with this journey ! Thanks for this thread !
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Yellow Springs, OH
Posts: 109
Finally realized how much of my life before my involvement with AH was based on smoke and mirrors. Shifting to a focus on understanding and accepting how deeply insecure and inauthentic I've allowed myself to become and working on changing that. Having more and more moments of sheer contentment as I realize my needs are being met and I don't have to be afraid all the time. Feeling my anger and bitterness turn to compassion both for AH and myself, able to pray now that we will both find happiness and peace. Still feel like I have a lifetime of work to do, but okay with that. Starting to make plans and achieve small victories.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 212
I am 3 weeks out...kinda. lol. We agreed to work on our relationship, but I am NOT moving back in. I am giving him 6 months to get himself together and then it's time to move on. In the mean time I am loving coming home to my moms and not having to worry about what I am in for that night. No one blames me for anything, and I don't feel as nuts. I am looking for an apartment which is both scary and sad because I found the place we shared and LOVED it. It kills me that I gave it up to him, but I am hoping I will find a place that speaks to me as much as that one did. I am letting him take care of himself, he gets no help financially and while I will support him when/if he gets help I am no longer trying to fix him or his feelings. I stopped taking the blame for things that weren't my fault and most importantly I am letting him fall on his face. Sounds mean, but no one has ever done it, everyone enables him but I am proud to say I don't anymore. Feels pretty good to let the illusion of control go. :-) I still struggle from time to time with missing him, but I want certain things in life, and he knows it. If he wants to live a real life maybe we can make it work, but for now I think he still flip flopping back and forth between denial and reality. Financially I am a huge mess, but I pray every night for help with that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 72
Entering life again was initially brutal and terrifying. But I didn't die.. With each day, my old life feels farther and farther away.. Im a very impatient person, so allowing others to regain their trust in me in THEIR own time was challenging; but it's a relief to know my only responsibility is to do the right thing and work the program. Things I can't control used to control me, but it has been lifted. I was once a woman who didn't know who she was or what she liked to do, or what she deserved.. Thats different now.. Each time I make a decision to do the next sober thing, it builds my recovery muscle.. THERE IS a GREAT life to be had in sobriety and Im so glad we are all here..
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I use to live on scraps and crumbs of my own money that XABF didn't spend/allocate for fancy dinners and trips where he'd spend the time drunk and verbally abusing me. I lived on scraps of affection, too, walking on eggshells and doing all the chores around my apartment that I didn't have a say in decorating and wasn't "allowed" to shower at - it would fog up the bathroom so he couldn't breath when he took his daily shower that required 3 hours of preparation in the morning. (He moved himself in, too, and I didn't have a say in that, either). He decreed when I woke up, when I went to bed, and what I wore each day.
I worked and paid my bills (apartment, electric, internet, car insurance, and the cable he insisted I had to get) and the rest went to him and his bills (lavish dinners and frequent hotels, mostly). He made twice as much as I did and still spent more of my paycheck than I did, buying expensive clothes and a brand new SUV he replaced every 2-3 years (while I drove a 15-year-old Ford Escort with a hole rusted through the exhaust). We watched the television shows he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, and I never even had a chance to use the pool at my apartment complex. He decreed everything - I had no choice.
A year and a half ago I finally realized I did have a choice, discovered this forum, changed my deadbolt, and made my escape. He went to rehab, then stalked me for awhile, and even then the space was enough...
Now I still live in the same apartment, which I am reorganizing now to suit my tastes. (I am working on the kitchen right now, which I have never touched since he left, aside from pulling some of his antique signs off the way and sending them back with the rest of his stuff). It feels like home.
I am growing climbing roses on the balcony - three of the four I got yesterday successfully survived the winter and they look amazing. Aside from the roses, all my flowers this year are purple and yellow. Home Depot is finally selling the flowers I've been looking for all year, so sometime this week I'll go back and hopefully pick up the three more I need (I bought them out last time I was there), and my balcony will look gorgeous! And I can actually sit out there, too... Next step will be to figure out a better way to hang up the Christmas lights (I put them up for Christmas only, but discovered they do a great job illuminating the balcony at night, so I'm keeping them now).
I have a boyfriend who treats me with respect. I spend lots of time over at his apartment and he loves making dinner for both of us. (I'm stopping by tonight, to deliver the potted daisies I promised his daughter when we went looking for my flowers at Home Depot over the weekend - tonight's dinner is meatloaf with mashed potatoes). He walks through the pouring rain to get his car to pick me up at the door of the mall, holds doors for me, holds my coat while I put it on, and believes it's important to talk about feelings. He appreciates that I have no objection when he's watching his sports on television; I appreciate that he enjoys cuddling while watching sports. He understands that I have some issues I'm still working through and doesn't get upset when I tell him something he did bothers me - not because I feel he did something wrong, not because I feel he meant any harm, but simply because it's too close for comfort to something that's still a trigger for me. He apologizes when he feels he's done something to hurt me, and laughs when I tell him I'm going to blame something on him for now because I'm too worked up to admit I'm at fault just yet (and recognizes that's my admitting I'll owe him an apology and the rest will come when I'm calmed down enough that I know it's genuine).
He also loves animals (he has two cats and one dog), and he's a great father (he is the stable parent of the relationship, never says anything bad to his daughter about her mother, and while it breaks his heart to be the one she acts up for, he also appreciates that it's important she feels she can act out her feelings with him).
I am grateful that I let go of an unhealthy situation, or I wouldn't have him in my life. I also recognize that he came at a point when I was much healthier in my recovery, and that when it matters he and I are both growing in the same directions. <3
I have two cats of my own who love to snuggle with me when I'm feeling lonely and enjoy each other's company in their own right - it's fun to watch their relationship develop of barely tolerated (my first cat's feelings when I got the second one) to inseparable on most occasions. It's also great to watch my second cat Cream slowly work through her own PTSD-like issues (her mother was feral, and something happened to the kittens before they were rescued, because all her littermates have similar issues - Cream's being the most pronounced), partially with the help of my other cat Peaches.
I bought myself a brand new car, that will probably last me the next 15+ years as long as I maintain it.
I have a real vacuum cleaner now (a really light Oreck I can lift with my pinky), cancelled the cable, and instead I got a PS3 with Netflix, and my boyfriend picked up his two favorite racing games so we can race online sometimes (I do enjoy his racing games - not as much as he does, but it's fun, and I've discovered it's also an effective way to work through pent-up frustrations with work and family, so I can figure out my solutions with a clearer mind).
When I'm depressed I eat frozen pizza by candlelight in a bubble bath, and somehow I feel so much better.
I'm going to be taking flying lessons in the fall.
I have money in a savings account, I've paid off all the credit cards that were maxed out when XABF was still in the picture (in fact, the only bills I have left are my car payment and 2/3 of a loan I took out of my retirement plan to pay off my highest-interest credit card - and at the end of the year the only debt I'll have left is the car). I've fixed my credit score.
I am relaxed and stable, and in addition I now have the confidence of knowing that I can take care of myself. This is a lesson I'm not sure I would have learned had I not been in that unhealthy relationship, then found SR, found Al-Anon, found myself.
I worked and paid my bills (apartment, electric, internet, car insurance, and the cable he insisted I had to get) and the rest went to him and his bills (lavish dinners and frequent hotels, mostly). He made twice as much as I did and still spent more of my paycheck than I did, buying expensive clothes and a brand new SUV he replaced every 2-3 years (while I drove a 15-year-old Ford Escort with a hole rusted through the exhaust). We watched the television shows he wanted to watch, went where he wanted to go, and I never even had a chance to use the pool at my apartment complex. He decreed everything - I had no choice.
A year and a half ago I finally realized I did have a choice, discovered this forum, changed my deadbolt, and made my escape. He went to rehab, then stalked me for awhile, and even then the space was enough...
Now I still live in the same apartment, which I am reorganizing now to suit my tastes. (I am working on the kitchen right now, which I have never touched since he left, aside from pulling some of his antique signs off the way and sending them back with the rest of his stuff). It feels like home.
I am growing climbing roses on the balcony - three of the four I got yesterday successfully survived the winter and they look amazing. Aside from the roses, all my flowers this year are purple and yellow. Home Depot is finally selling the flowers I've been looking for all year, so sometime this week I'll go back and hopefully pick up the three more I need (I bought them out last time I was there), and my balcony will look gorgeous! And I can actually sit out there, too... Next step will be to figure out a better way to hang up the Christmas lights (I put them up for Christmas only, but discovered they do a great job illuminating the balcony at night, so I'm keeping them now).
I have a boyfriend who treats me with respect. I spend lots of time over at his apartment and he loves making dinner for both of us. (I'm stopping by tonight, to deliver the potted daisies I promised his daughter when we went looking for my flowers at Home Depot over the weekend - tonight's dinner is meatloaf with mashed potatoes). He walks through the pouring rain to get his car to pick me up at the door of the mall, holds doors for me, holds my coat while I put it on, and believes it's important to talk about feelings. He appreciates that I have no objection when he's watching his sports on television; I appreciate that he enjoys cuddling while watching sports. He understands that I have some issues I'm still working through and doesn't get upset when I tell him something he did bothers me - not because I feel he did something wrong, not because I feel he meant any harm, but simply because it's too close for comfort to something that's still a trigger for me. He apologizes when he feels he's done something to hurt me, and laughs when I tell him I'm going to blame something on him for now because I'm too worked up to admit I'm at fault just yet (and recognizes that's my admitting I'll owe him an apology and the rest will come when I'm calmed down enough that I know it's genuine).
He also loves animals (he has two cats and one dog), and he's a great father (he is the stable parent of the relationship, never says anything bad to his daughter about her mother, and while it breaks his heart to be the one she acts up for, he also appreciates that it's important she feels she can act out her feelings with him).
I am grateful that I let go of an unhealthy situation, or I wouldn't have him in my life. I also recognize that he came at a point when I was much healthier in my recovery, and that when it matters he and I are both growing in the same directions. <3
I have two cats of my own who love to snuggle with me when I'm feeling lonely and enjoy each other's company in their own right - it's fun to watch their relationship develop of barely tolerated (my first cat's feelings when I got the second one) to inseparable on most occasions. It's also great to watch my second cat Cream slowly work through her own PTSD-like issues (her mother was feral, and something happened to the kittens before they were rescued, because all her littermates have similar issues - Cream's being the most pronounced), partially with the help of my other cat Peaches.
I bought myself a brand new car, that will probably last me the next 15+ years as long as I maintain it.
I have a real vacuum cleaner now (a really light Oreck I can lift with my pinky), cancelled the cable, and instead I got a PS3 with Netflix, and my boyfriend picked up his two favorite racing games so we can race online sometimes (I do enjoy his racing games - not as much as he does, but it's fun, and I've discovered it's also an effective way to work through pent-up frustrations with work and family, so I can figure out my solutions with a clearer mind).
When I'm depressed I eat frozen pizza by candlelight in a bubble bath, and somehow I feel so much better.
I'm going to be taking flying lessons in the fall.
I have money in a savings account, I've paid off all the credit cards that were maxed out when XABF was still in the picture (in fact, the only bills I have left are my car payment and 2/3 of a loan I took out of my retirement plan to pay off my highest-interest credit card - and at the end of the year the only debt I'll have left is the car). I've fixed my credit score.
I am relaxed and stable, and in addition I now have the confidence of knowing that I can take care of myself. This is a lesson I'm not sure I would have learned had I not been in that unhealthy relationship, then found SR, found Al-Anon, found myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
I think this is a good thread and important for us to remember. StarCat! You're gorgeous!!!! I wish I could "Thanks" your beautiful post 15 times!!!
Take care y'all! Can't wait to read more!
Take care y'all! Can't wait to read more!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 27
Day 10 here.
What's better:
- state of mind. Feeling calm, peaceful...and proud. Have clarity of thought and patience for the little irritations that may crop up throughout the day.
- physical state. Complexion looking good. Lost a couple of pounds. More energetic.
- financial state. Saved $120 over the last ten days.
What's worse:
Umm...er....hmmm....nothing.
(ETA: Oops, didn't realize this was the Friends & Family Forum. Sorry about posting this in here.)
What's better:
- state of mind. Feeling calm, peaceful...and proud. Have clarity of thought and patience for the little irritations that may crop up throughout the day.
- physical state. Complexion looking good. Lost a couple of pounds. More energetic.
- financial state. Saved $120 over the last ten days.
What's worse:
Umm...er....hmmm....nothing.
(ETA: Oops, didn't realize this was the Friends & Family Forum. Sorry about posting this in here.)
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