Giving "Chances"
 

Just an observation, but the older I get the less value I see in giving someone 'chances'.

The best, most valuable people in my life never did anything so horrible to me that they ever needed a 'second chance'.

And no one I ever gave a third chance to was ever worth it. They always required 4th and 5th and 6th chances and they always just disappointed and caused pain. Just failure and excuses and me cleaning up the mess and getting hurt. Nothing good ever came out of someone who needed a 3rd chance in my experience.

I've had mixed results on people whom I gave a second chance to.

I'm not talking about, "Oops, I forgot your birthday" or "Sorry, I told your secret about your nose job" or "Oops, I backed into your car".

I'm talking about big betrayals, "Oops, I slept with your husband" or "Oops, I stole your car and smashed it up and just walked away and went home" or "Oops, you made me hit you" or "Oops, I lied and stole so much I pushed you into bankruptcy".

Anyone else have any ideas on this concept of 'chances'?

XABF often asks why I can't just give him a chance. He forgets about the 200 that I have already given him.

My feelings on giving 'chances' have changed so much after living with an alcoholic. I used to be a very forgiving person and was able to give second chances and even a third or forth. I gave my XAH thousands of chances and it was all in hopes that maybe 'one day' he would open his eyes. I should have never let it go that far...but I got pulled in and became co-dependent and along with that came all the crazy things that happen by being addicted to an alcoholic.

Part of me feels like in time (probably years) that I may be able to get back to a point where I can forgive again and possibly give a 'second' chance' to someone even if it's a biggy but I will never again keep handing out chances like they are candy. That is one of my boundaries. If you make a mistake and you are truly sorry for it--it won't happen again.

But aren't forgiving and giving chances two different things? I think they are. I think they are completely independent of one another. I can forgive you and never give you another chance, and I can give you endless chances without forgiving you.

I think giving chances is more about boundaries and our own discomfort with assessing others.

And what about earning chances? Maybe I would have had more luck with second chances if I'd insisted the betraying party earned it before having it granted.

"Sure you can have a second chance, but you have to earn it."

"How?"

"By completely repairing the damage your messed up first chance created, including rebuilding trust."

"But how can I do it if you won't give me a second chance."

"You figure it out."

Boy, that would have saved me so much trouble, because the truth is most people who want second chances won't bother to figure it out and you are off the hook.

I totally agree and the person that gets the multiple chances - never even recognizes that they are getting them. They just do not get it, which is why the 'chances' are wasted. 'Chances' are just another step in the never ending dance.

I can still get a little heartache when I think about it to much but my head takes over. Chances are for suckers, lol. My giving of chances was just a nicer way for me to label my complete and utter lack of boundaries. I liked to think of myself as compassionate and caring and the reality was that I was a cowardly doormat that talked a good game but did as much about changing the status quo as the other person - which was zilch. Wait around and give someone else the chance to change and never do so myself. Bleck.

We cross posted so I didn't see this before I replied.

Isn't that the truth!! I am done with chances and that has opened the door for forgiveness and that feels very good. Before it was just like you said - all chances and no forgiveness. Just anger, resentment, and bitterness -which was me being opposite of how I thought of myself in my head.

Thanks for this thread. I really needed to hear it today! My AH also doesn't realize the hundreds of chances he's already been given - and says I'm the mean one for pointing out, "You have given me exactly zero evidence to support the idea that this time you will be different from all the other times."

I need to hold this in my mind as I go forward. No more falling prey to emotional ******!!! I signed a lease on an apartment and get to move in next month.

I have to disagree and say that, IMO, forgiving and chances go hand in hand...I would have to be willing to forgive you for whatever it is that was done for me to be willing to give you another chance. I continously forgave my XAH until I literally got to the point where there was simply no forgiveness left in me for him. I guess everyone sees things differently but I always forgave him and wiped the slate clean to let him try again--only to know he would fall. I never forgot those things he done to me and I never will.

I still haven't forgiven him to this day and it's going to take a while before I can and be ok with that. I plan on honestly forgiving him someday but right now it's that bitter resentment that's keeping me strong. I know this probably sounds crazy but I have to hold on to all the bad stuff for awhile to be able to look him in the eye and not feel "pity" for him in which I was confusing for love.

I know they say forgive a person or they hold power over you...well, he holds power over me either way and until I get stronger in my recovery as a codie--I need the bad stuff there as a constant reminder to just how bad it actually was.

I am glad you posted this. I am struggle with not spelling it out to my RAH on why things are going the way they are going. ie I think he needs to work on his issues and not mine and ours but he wants me to spell it out every time I say something about it. I think it is new mind game he is playing. :(

Look, I'm fine with giving somebody a second chance-- everybody makes mistakes. What I'm not fine with is third-chances, one-more-chances, or any other kind of chance.

After the second chance, however, everything that happens is my fault. I let it happen because I didn't learn when they ****** it up the second time. "Fool me once same on you, fool me twice shame on me."

Cyranoak

I know your taking a "chance" when you give someone a second, third, fourth, etc chance.
I think that when you give chances the less respect you get.

My exabf said he DESERVED as many chances as he needed to get and stay clean...talk about a sense of entitlement...I told him I was out of chances and forgiveness...go away, I am done...find another sucker to manipulate.

Read a FB post by a non-alcoholic friend that summed it up for me, it was a quote from Maya Angelou-"the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Oh, if so, so many of us had listened that very first time.......

I greatly appreciate this thread, its something I will have to really think about, based on the number of times I broke things off with AXH when we were dating, or engaged.... Right now though, I have Little Rabbit FooFoo stuck in my head and all the chances the Good Fairy gave him while he kept bopping field mice on their heads.... The poor, poor field mice were always my concern, stupid fairy.

This post has been something I have been really ruminating over, and it has given me more to think about, but also has really answered some questions for me.

Thanks for the post.

I gave my loved ones chances (one from drinking, one with mental illness). It was the "chances" that I felt I owed them because I cared for them. In reality though I took my own well being (surprise) out of the equation. There was no consideration either from my for myself or from them for me. Wow, just wow.

Just thanks for this. I was already planning on using a theme of this in therapy next week but now it is just a level deeper.

If I'd understood this years ago, I would be a way healthier person. Thanks so much for this thread! It helps me understand why I feel so much more grounded now that I'm actually done, even though it hurts. Like dropping the hammer instead of continuing to bash my thumb. Now the dang thumb can heal.

I've just given my AH another chance - don't know which chance it is b/c I've lost count over the last 8 years. I like to think this will be his last chance but I don't know - guess it depends on how far I get in my own CD recovery. I feel strong enough to let him go his own way and either screw it up or not. I feel strong enough to tell him I'm happy he went to his second meeting and finally raised his hand and identified himself as an A to a roomfull of people (many of whom he knows quite well) who did not know he is an A. I am not used to not worrying, not being on eggshells and not jumping at the sound of the front door opening. But I like it enough to believe that I won't go back. That Maya Angelou quote cuts both ways - my AH was not always a selfish drunk - he used to be a great guy. I like to think the great guy he showed me the first time is who he is and that he will find his way back.