Giving "Chances"
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
When XABF started trying to convince me to give him a "second chance" I asked him, "How many 'second chances' will it take? You've had thousands already, and you used up all I've got." I turned around and walked away and he shouted back at me about how he knew I had more chances left for him, how dare I lie to him. I kept walking.
I forgave him, but I wouldn't give him any more chances to hurt me.
Today I recognize that I can give someone a chance to recover lost trust and/or make up for past harms without opening myself up to the potential of new hurts. I can keep someone at a distance and watch their behavior to see if anything changes. Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes... it's what they do about those mistakes that determines whether it's a healthy enough relationship that they can remain in my life or not.
I forgave him, but I wouldn't give him any more chances to hurt me.
Today I recognize that I can give someone a chance to recover lost trust and/or make up for past harms without opening myself up to the potential of new hurts. I can keep someone at a distance and watch their behavior to see if anything changes. Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes... it's what they do about those mistakes that determines whether it's a healthy enough relationship that they can remain in my life or not.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Personally, I think everyone deserves a second chance, but with two provisos:
1. No second chances where there has been physical abuse. Zero tolerance on that.
2. You get one bite at the apple. Screw that up and I'm done.
I stick to this. I really do. I get hurt sometimes, but not twice by the same person.
1. No second chances where there has been physical abuse. Zero tolerance on that.
2. You get one bite at the apple. Screw that up and I'm done.
I stick to this. I really do. I get hurt sometimes, but not twice by the same person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 7
Do I give alcoholic bf a second chance
I am currently struggling over whether to give an alcoholic bf a second chance. We have been together a year and a half. During that time, he has been drunk for most of it with a few really bad episodes. Once he was so drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and cracked guys skull open. I had to beg the EMTs to take him to the hospital. The entire time there he said to me we are done. Another time he fell over a chair in our kitchen. Was so delusionally drink he accused me of pushing him down a flight of stairs. Then said he was going to cut off my legs then threatened to leave the house. Never laid a hand on me. Promised next day it would never happen again. Last weekend he got delusionally drunk started telling me he was there craziest lunatic I would ever meet, tore up my magazines and banged on the counters like a lunatic. The next day I was so hurt and he said it would never happen again. A few days later I said just saying I am sorry and it will never happen again is not good enough. What it your plan to ensure it never happens again? He said he didn't know. The next few days he only had a glass or two a day. I was so irate by this I asked him again what is your plan? He said he didn't know. I said are you willing to risk losing me and our relationship over alcohol. He said he didn't like ultimatums. I then told him to leave. I was dead serious. Only then did I have good attention. He asked for a second chance. I said I have already given you multiple. He said but u never said u would leave me if I didn't clean it up. So I agreed to try. He agreed to cut back. So three days later he is having maybe most a beer a day. Am I crazy for giving him a second chance?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi Lion4 and welcome!
This is a really old thread from back in 2012, you might want to start a new thread so you get more replies. (To do this you just go back to the main forum page https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ and click on New Thread - top left).
Thing is, alcoholism is never cured however people can get sober and get in to recovery, generally with professional help or AA. Sure, he may be able to moderate for a little while, many can, even for weeks, but it won't last and there will be resentment building probably.
Learn all you can about alcoholism (there is a lot of information here at SR, in the stickies at the top of this forum, in particular in the Recovery/Classic Reading threads and of course in the active threads. Alcoholism is an addiction like any other and when he's not drinking the alcohol is calling. I'm going to guess when he isn't drinking he's not that much fun to be around?
Two things:
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it and
Focus on yourself and what you want and need. You asked him to leave and so he cut down his drinking? I'm sure that's not the response you wanted.
Also, threats of violence should be taken seriously. Just because he didn't actually carry through those times doesn't mean he wasn't out of control, I would be very cautious.
This is a really old thread from back in 2012, you might want to start a new thread so you get more replies. (To do this you just go back to the main forum page https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/ and click on New Thread - top left).
Thing is, alcoholism is never cured however people can get sober and get in to recovery, generally with professional help or AA. Sure, he may be able to moderate for a little while, many can, even for weeks, but it won't last and there will be resentment building probably.
Learn all you can about alcoholism (there is a lot of information here at SR, in the stickies at the top of this forum, in particular in the Recovery/Classic Reading threads and of course in the active threads. Alcoholism is an addiction like any other and when he's not drinking the alcohol is calling. I'm going to guess when he isn't drinking he's not that much fun to be around?
Two things:
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it and
Focus on yourself and what you want and need. You asked him to leave and so he cut down his drinking? I'm sure that's not the response you wanted.
Also, threats of violence should be taken seriously. Just because he didn't actually carry through those times doesn't mean he wasn't out of control, I would be very cautious.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
”He was hurt and angry at being held accountable, and he couldn't see beyond that. It seemed to me at the time that he didn't want a second chance, he just wanted things to go back to the way they were.”
This is what I have at home now. He loves to bitch that he isn’t given forgiveness or empathy, and says we won’t tell him what to apologize for. Right, because when we do he reduces it to absurdity so as to invalidate our emotions.
This is what I have at home now. He loves to bitch that he isn’t given forgiveness or empathy, and says we won’t tell him what to apologize for. Right, because when we do he reduces it to absurdity so as to invalidate our emotions.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by Lion4 
I am currently struggling over whether to give an alcoholic bf a second chance. We have been together a year and a half. During that time, he has been drunk for most of it with a few really bad episodes. Once he was so drunk he fell down a flight of stairs and cracked guys skull open. I had to beg the EMTs to take him to the hospital. The entire time there he said to me we are done. Another time he fell over a chair in our kitchen. Was so delusionally drink he accused me of pushing him down a flight of stairs. Then said he was going to cut off my legs then threatened to leave the house. Never laid a hand on me. Promised next day it would never happen again. Last weekend he got delusionally drunk started telling me he was there craziest lunatic I would ever meet, tore up my magazines and banged on the counters like a lunatic. The next day I was so hurt and he said it would never happen again. A few days later I said just saying I am sorry and it will never happen again is not good enough. What it your plan to ensure it never happens again? He said he didn't know. The next few days he only had a glass or two a day. I was so irate by this I asked him again what is your plan? He said he didn't know. I said are you willing to risk losing me and our relationship over alcohol. He said he didn't like ultimatums. I then told him to leave. I was dead serious. Only then did I have good attention. He asked for a second chance. I said I have already given you multiple. He said but u never said u would leave me if I didn't clean it up. So I agreed to try. He agreed to cut back. So three days later he is having maybe most a beer a day. Am I crazy for giving him a second chance?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by pizza67
please don’t be offended, but yes. He threatened to cut off your legs. End of relationship.
Seems like he is full of anger for whatever reason, most likely things long before you came into his life, and you don't want to be on the receiving end of that.
Alcohol + Anger = Danger
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
As someone who posted a long time ago on this post, it has been a wonderful reminder of my growth. and my reflection tie into your question Lion.
It is less about what is right/wrong with giving second chances for me now, and more about trusting myself to make the right decision for me with the other person. It is absolutely about the other person, but I trust myself to watch his/her behavior, not the sweet talk of change I was typically hoping for. I am also more willing to have a frank, honest conversation about anything.....because I have everything to gain with that. I am no longer afraid that giving a person a second chance is somehow giving up on me.
Lion my sense is because of the story you told and the question you asked is that you sense that he is saying one thing, but you don't trust that his behavior is ready to change? How does that serve you?
Lion I just read your other post, and you did a brave and amazing thing for yourself.
It is less about what is right/wrong with giving second chances for me now, and more about trusting myself to make the right decision for me with the other person. It is absolutely about the other person, but I trust myself to watch his/her behavior, not the sweet talk of change I was typically hoping for. I am also more willing to have a frank, honest conversation about anything.....because I have everything to gain with that. I am no longer afraid that giving a person a second chance is somehow giving up on me.
Lion my sense is because of the story you told and the question you asked is that you sense that he is saying one thing, but you don't trust that his behavior is ready to change? How does that serve you?
Lion I just read your other post, and you did a brave and amazing thing for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 66
My ah says that at aa, there's a lot stuff about the 12 steps right now, that owning up to the hurt he's caused others is part of that. I'm actually looking forward to that. He has expressed it sometimes and I can see the pain in him, but what I really want to hear is the truth and how much he has lied. I find that to be the hardest thing, the fact that he lies about drinking. I've forgiven a lot, mainly because of my children. I want to help him get better for them mostly, and for us as well. I also feel a lot of compassion for him mixed up with disappointment and anger when he drinks again. I see his efforts though and that keeps me with him for now. Tomorrow I ask him, are you still dreaming of moderation or is this a real path to complete sobriety?
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