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court tomorrow

Old 04-19-2012, 06:19 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I'm so glad for you that court went reasonably well. The rest just sucks. I, too got the double whammy. AXF decided to bail the week I lost my job. For the second time in 3 years. I also had to cancel the much anticipated camp for both of my kids.

Have a good old cry and pity party for a while. And then take a few deep breaths. It is only money. The job thing sucks, I've been there, my reputation destroyed in a narrow, well paid field. You will hold your head high, dust yourself off and find a new job. If you must take per diem work, you will. I am right now. You will focus on the next task in front of you until you can do more.

Basics-safety, food, roof over your head, the love of your children. The sun will shine again, and you will be made whole. You are doing the absolute right thing for your kids. Take gentle care of yourself.

Hugs,

celticgenes
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:21 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Are you in a union? Can you get unemployment to help out?

In the state I work in, which is different from the state I live in, we can get unemployment if we work less than 28 hours a week. It is a little known fact, and I don't know how long it lasts, but it's the truth. So maybe there is some kind of loophole for you too.

There has to be some kind of protection against this stuff. Talk to your lawyer, maybe they will have something to help you with.
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Old 04-19-2012, 06:27 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Oh, WTBH. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and feel like you do. I completely understand the "Please stop, HP. I'm not as strong as you think I am" feeling.

The only thing I can think to tell you is.... I'm still here. So t e c h n i c a l l y, I guess my HP was right and I was wrong about me being strong enough to handle the past couple months/years. While I'm still not certain I want to trust my HP's estimation of my strength, I am certain that your HP is right about you being strong enough. (Isn't it funny how that works? Being able to easily see some one else's strength? )

One step at a time, WTBH. That's all you need to do: one step at a time.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:01 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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I believe you do qualify for unemployment - check into that. It can help tide things over. Secondly, if you are unemployed, because of this debacle, I would imagine that won't bode well in divorce court, eh?

Lastly...get a camera. Put it on your front porch. Make sure you never have interactions that aren't in that spot being video taped. This is not over. From this point forward, never be alone with him, even with him and your kids. Time to CYA.

Congrats on the charges. And as hard as it is to think about right now, when our HP closes one door, another opens. Keep your eyes out for it.
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:18 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Maybe pissed off, a$$ kicking AH squirrel would be a better image. Funny he had me arrested for allegedly hurting him bc man do I want to right now (and of course would never act on it!-- no worries!)

I don't belong to to a union. I work at a private school. I also called my state unemployment office today and read off the detail written on the new job salary outline thing (not a contract and that's intentional on their part) and was told that it read as a temporary position- not something that was ever meant to be permanent (that was how I read it too) and the case manager I talked to (I called the woman I worked with last year at this time when I was unemployed) said I could file in June but it would likely be denied. But I will file. In the meantime I am already looking at edjobs in my state and trying to be proactive. But I am worn out. I thought once court was over it wouldn't get worse and it got so much worse. When does it end?!?!?!

I am never, ever ever alone with him. Ever. Learned that lesson last month. His ranting on Sunday was outside with neighbors as witnesses (even if they were unwilling, they were all outside bc it was nice and I made a point of staying outside).

I am headed to bed to try and forget about today... Somehow I imagine I will wake in the morning just as miserable as I am now.

I feel like I was given an opportunity with getting this current job after my last one being cut and I am most angry at myself for letting $hit with AH impact this job. I blew it. I can't blame him. It's my fault I am in this position and I am terrified that there isn't going to be another chance... You know?
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Old 04-19-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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This fiasco seem to be never ending. The only people who really win in a divorce is the lawyers. I'm not sure what else he could do to you at this point. Do you have any family out of state you could live with for a while?
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Old 04-19-2012, 08:06 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Glad that court went well-- Hugs and well wishes for the job situation. I very much hope you and your daughters are in a better place soon and can look back at all this instead of being in it.
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Old 04-19-2012, 09:02 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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(((wtbh))) - I, too, saw MY part in the chaos with XABF#1, a little late. Give yourself a break, sweetie. We don't know better until we do, and it often involves getting burned. It's a hard lesson to learn, but we do learn and we keep on movin' on. I'm still in a world of a mess because of my codie-ness which led to addiction, and I'm frustrated, but I'm pretty sure there's a lesson in all of this. I don't like it, but I have faith. I also have faith that things will be okay with you and your darling d's.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 04-20-2012, 06:31 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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The less income you make, the more child support he has to pay. I'd file for an increase. It goes by formula and sheer numbers, so the reason you make less wouldn't be a factor.

From now on, do pick up and drop offs of the children at the local police station. I did that, and it worked beautifully.

The rest is just awful. I wish I believe in karma, but I don't. You know how they say God loves drunks and small children? Notice how the drunk driver is often the only one in the accident that walks away from a wreck? I'm 50+, there is no karma. They never have to answer for the evil they do.

All you can do is re-group, figure something out, and never, ever, ever have anything to do with an addict or a personality disordered person or a messed up person again. They do terrible things to others.

And this is why I don't like the phrase: "Separate the addiction from the person." You can't. At least not until the person him/herself separates the addiction from their own person. And as we know 80% of the time that never happens for very long.

Living well is the best revenge. You have no choice but to start over, and it's so hard and I'm so sorry. But you have a lot of years ahead of you and you can do it.
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Old 04-20-2012, 07:40 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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It will get better. It will, it will, it will.

Do something healthy and life-affirming with your baby bee and hornet this weekend. Something cheap or FREE, like a bike ride or a picnic with the girls. A trip to the park. Ice cream. So many hugs and cuddle time. This is a time when all that self-care business is so important -- early bed times, lots of rest, exercise, good food, cups of coffee on the front porch, gentle, safe things that make you smile.

I'm thinking of you. I don't have any practical suggestions about your job situation, other than that in my experience, platitudes about support aren't really support. F' em.

And F' your ex. He will get his.
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Old 04-20-2012, 01:26 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Gawd...this is the most frustrating, heartbreaking situation!!! Just do WHATEVER you have to do to make sure you are able to relocate in your divorce settlement. Use all this evidence to throw yourself on the mercy of the judge and beg, if you have to, to be allowed to move your precious girls however far you need to.

Can you get a written statement from your neighbors about what they witnessed on Sunday? YOu don't think they are willing?

Karma most certainly is a b*tch and I have no doubt that he will pay a miserable price. If I didn't hate him so much I'd feel sorry for him.
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:58 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Thank you everyone. I'm in zombie mode a bit right now- one foot in front of another. I know I'll find a solution & always do. I think I'm having a bit of a pity party right now bc I just would like a teeny break from constant turmoil & dealing w work now feels like an interaction w AH. I guess years of experience dealing w AH blaming & accusing & making unfounded accusations prepared me to at least not crumble during the underhanded maneuvers at work during the past 2 days.

Oddly rather than rage at AH I feel pity more than anything right now. Not sympathy or even sorrow for him but pity bc for all he is doing to the girls & I he clearly is one tormented f'ed up guy. I'll survive I'm sure but he has nowhere to go but down if he stays on this path.

I suppose I can always rebuild my career & reputation & I'll always have my integrity. Right now all he has is anger & resentment & that's got to blow up in his face at some point right?
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:09 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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((WTBH))

just getting on line from the weekend ~ I wanted to check on you & how you were doing ~ seems somedays the insanity never stops ~ seems that justice never goes the right way ~

I will continue to add my good thoughts and prayers for the best for you and your girls ~ I hope that you were able to get some peaceful rest yesterday.

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:35 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
I suppose I can always rebuild my career & reputation & I'll always have my integrity. Right now all he has is anger & resentment & that's got to blow up in his face at some point right?
This is great, and yes you are right. If you give people enough rope, eventually they will hang themselves.

My wise Mother told me long ago, when I was going through my first divorce, to be sure I always acted with integrity because it was me (and only me) who had to look at myself in the mirror each day. Guess that is similar to the "play the tape forward" concept.

Act in a way that your girls will one day be proud of, regardless of what he does. Trust me...it is worth it. Even though it was damn hard to do sometimes!

Prayers!
~T
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:20 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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I suppose I can always rebuild my career & reputation & I'll always have my integrity. Right now all he has is anger & resentment & that's got to blow up in his face at some point right?
The long answer: I've got a decade of distance between me and my ex, and the only contact we have today is through our son. DS12 is a sensitive kid who is torn up over his ever-deteriorating relationship with his father, but he's finally at an age where he can process that and put the anger at the correct target and not turn it inwards.

But ten years later, I can tell you that there isn't much that's changed for my ex. He's still using and abusing his current wife, mistreating his kids, holding them to weird, confusing, and arbitrary house rules and expectations, denying them small joys and comforts out of a bizarre need to control them, and manipulating money and favors out of anyone he can find who is overly-permissive with loose boundaries. It's easy to imagine what's in for him down the road -- another divorce and wackadoodle custody battle, weak or nonexistent relationships with his children, a mediocre career, etc. He has a ******, empty life, and it's one entirely of his own making.

I used to fantasize a lot about exposing him or putting him in his place, or finding a way of making him realize how awfully he treated the people around him, including me, who I thought should have an exalted place as the mother of his child. That would obviously never happen. After a few years, that dwindled to me fantasizing about him realizing the error of his ways and turning himself around for DS12, whom my ex always purported was the light of his life. That never happened either. Finally, a couple of years ago, it finally hit me that all the energy I sunk into wishing and hoping and scheming about my vengeance needed to be spent on cleaning up the mess I'd left my son in. Because while I was stuck in that negative revenge fantasy loop (which I'd thankfully kept to myself), I'd hung my son out to dry emotionally, who was left to wonder what HE had done to deserve all the emotional chaos.

That's where I am today. I don't think about my ex much at all except for when we have visitation disagreements, which cause some resentment flare-ups sometimes. I try to view him with a sense of humor -- because after ten years the consistency of his dysfunction is still surprising and amusing -- and from a distance, because I don't want NONE of that anymore.

The short answer is that yes, all this malevolence gets back to them eventually. My hope is that you won't notice because you're busy with your own fabulous life.
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:14 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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wanttobe, I really feel for you and am so incredibly sorry about what is happening. It just seems so unfair. I am thinking about you. Hang in there sweetie.
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