LuvsTaz

AH and I discussed with one of our boys (he's 15) that we needed to mow the yard tomorrow. Ok, no problem. Fast forward 30 minutes in the middle of dinner AH states we need to mow the backyard tonight and I need to weed eat. The son asks why. AH blows up and says "because I said and I don't need negotiations, horsesh$& or excuses". I intervened and tried to state calmly that fine we will mow but he didn't have to get rude with his answer!

I then turned on my voice memo app and recorded the next hour of AH state the following: I don't ever back him up when he tells the kids to do something. BTW, I only have to ask and they help me!! He then stated that since he was the "bad guy" we better not ever touch the mower again, he'll take care of it! Then went on to say "some things need to change". Ya think?

I took this as my opportunity to bring up the 18-pack a day habit of his. I tried to do it in a "we care and love you" sort of way, once again it backfired!

Here's what he had to say: (not in any order)
I make most of the money
You spend your check before it's gone (on bills)
If you all would do what I want maybe I wouldn't drink so much
Etc...

So yes, he came back with all my faults! This is funny, one of the things he wished I would do is not drink too much either.....DIET DR. PEPPER!! WOW!

He threatened to leave right now but if he did he wouldn't come back!! Past conversations of this nature had me in tears! Not tonight! He didn't leave but he is also on the couch! I'm pretty sure the end is near!

I'm just curious why I didn't have the guts to tell him "go ahead"? Instead I didn't say much.... Oh yeah, couldn't get a word in.


Sorry so long but thanks for letting me vent, again! And Thank You all for the support that you give thru other's posts! I truly don't think I would have had the courage to even bring up the drinking if I hadn't been here and reading!

MarkstheSpot

Testosterone, LuvsTaz, it's a terrible thing. Add alcohol and it's even worse.

Good luck.


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keepingmyjoy1

Wow...I so understand. My AH does similar things when he drinks and there is just no talking to him during those times. I never bothered trying to get a word in during those times because he absolutely would not "hear" me. Now, I just walk away. Makes him mad sometimes, but I refuse to listen to his rants. Heard 'em before...don't need to hear it again. Mine uses "I'm the bad guy" thing too. When he says stuff like that, I just let play in my mind the Phineas and Ferb (my son's favorite show right now) words, in the same silly voice..."yes, yes you are" (the bad guy) LOL. Find something that gets you through the moment that you can play in your mind for yourself. I have had times where I wanted to laugh at my thoughts while he is being his drunken self. It helps. Hugs. Sorry you are going through this.

LuvsTaz

Thank you keepingmyjoy1, that did give me a giggle! Today is going to be hard and stressfull as I really do believe our end is near, very near! But my kids will eventually be better for it. The one big thing that bothered me the most about last night is he really wasn't as loud as he has been before, but my kids knew to retreat to their rooms and not come out. Later my youngest told me "Mom, I have my Reading test tomorrow". He was so worried about us that he didn't think he could concentrate enough today for this test. (This is the big state test that they have to pass to be able to take their driver's test). I tried to assure him that "we" would be ok and he has to hold on to that and believe that.

Thanks again!

SoaringSpirits

Oh my goodness, this sounds so familiar, right down to the weed eating! Except that WE would do the chores while he'd disappear into the tool shed to drink and chain smoke. What a lazy a$$!

It made me and the kids feel crazy and very much on edge. It was TOXIC. We'd never know when he'd flip-flop or "forget" a previous discussion. My easy going, gentle husband became, over time, like a drill sargeant (interesting as his alcoholic father WAS a drill sargeant!) It got to the point where the kids would see his car coming down the driveway in the evening, and they'd yell "Dad's coming!" and would scurry around trying to look productive so he'd stay off their backs. That's when it really hit me how the whole family had morphed around his behavior/alcoholism and how toxic it had become. And that's when I finally said "ENOUGH!" and told him we were done. Life has been so much more peaceful for our kids since then.

You'll never get ahead in the maddening circle of alcoholic blame. I heard every excuse for the drinking: "I am stressed about being broke!" (we're not). "I drink to relax!" (you need to relax at 11 am on an already relaxing Sunday morning?). And my favorite: "I drink because of your damn horses!" (we live on a farm, for goddsakes!)

Do yourself and your kids a favor. Next time he threatens to leave, hand him a suitcase and wish him well.

LuvsTaz

Thank you soaringspirits! I actually listened to the conversation again today while at work to make sure I heard everything correctly, yep, sure did.

I will be the first to admit that in the past we did have some financial difficulties as he broke his foot and couldn't work (he's in construction). But while laid up he got his beer and grew even more frustrated. I also didn't help by not stomping my feet and telling him "no we can't afford it" and eventually found myself slipping into my own depression that I didn't want to talk about. So, with both of us spiraling out of control in our own fashion, bills got behind and it's only by the Grace of God we kept our house.

He likes to accuse me of not fessing up to my "issues" so I guess I'm doing that here, because it really doesn't mean anything fessing up to him (as I have done in the past) for him to bring it all up again when he blows his lid.

I'm gaining more and more strength from my kids, as they are my world, and seeing them these past few weeks "walk on eggshells" and telling me how they feel about their Dad drinking is breaking my heart!

LuvsTaz

Thank you soaringspirits! I actually listened to the conversation again today while at work to make sure I heard everything correctly, yep, sure did.

I will be the first to admit that in the past we did have some financial difficulties as he broke his foot and couldn't work (he's in construction). But while laid up he got his beer and grew even more frustrated. I also didn't help by not stomping my feet and telling him "no we can't afford it" and eventually found myself slipping into my own depression that I didn't want to talk about. So, with both of us spiraling out of control in our own fashion, bills got behind and it's only by the Grace of God we kept our house.

He likes to accuse me of not fessing up to my "issues" so I guess I'm doing that here, because it really doesn't mean anything fessing up to him (as I have done in the past) for him to bring it all up again when he blows his lid.

I'm gaining more and more strength from my kids, as they are my world, and seeing them these past few weeks "walk on eggshells" and telling me how they feel about their Dad drinking is breaking my heart!

Lilmssunshine

Wow, its sad that your son has to go through that. But he doesn't HAVE to.

joshherman

That's the way my dad acts, it's a shame really because there's no way that I can get him to change. I've tried, but we just fight when I try because of his "it's my way, closeminded nature."

I feel for you, and I hope things get better. BTW my dad also drinks a lot, and it is a lot worse with the alcohol. Any ideas on how we can get them to listen would be highly appreciated.

Tuffgirl

Unfortunately, I don't think there are ways to get someone to "listen" to what they obviously don't want to hear.

Plus - having that kind of attitude further enables the drinking. It's an excuse the alcoholic mind plays with itself.

We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.

Not our problem if we choose it not to be.

Stay strong, luvstaz. And welcome, joshherman.

MeredithD1

The first time I decided I needed help with an A, I couldn't find Al Anon in the phone book but I did find Alcoholics Anonymous. So I called and spoke with a recovering A who was working the phone lines that night, who said,

"Instant a**hole; just add alcohol."

Trying to reason with an A in the throes of the disease is like trying to zip up your wedding dress nine months after the wedding when you're eight months pregnant.