keepingmyjoy1

I am sitting here blown away. My posts started in 2007. In my last post in 2008, I was doing so well. And I cannot believe I went back to my AH and am back in the same situation--preparing to leave him again. I waited for a whole year and he seemed to eventually get hold of sobriety and I did go back to him after he was sober for over a year. I am just sick. Sick and tired. I can't believe that I gradually lost everything I gained in my codie recovery back then. I can't believe that I am right back where I was 5 years ago with that. I finally have the blinders off...It is a relief and so very sad at the same time. I guess I hoped to be one of the ones with the happy ending...sigh.

After discovering porn, and him on "women seeking men" searches and websites, I was stunned out of the last remaining shred of non-reality. He is already seeking my replacement-now that I have informed him of my boundary of NO drinking-0. Then, the icing on the cake was to have him be absolutely nasty verbally to my son last night. (And yes, he was drinking--later on, I found his "coffee cup" filled in the garage.) He waited until I was outside getting something to be nasty.

I am already setting things in motion to separate, so I am moving forward. I saw in my old posts about moving forward with baby steps. In a weird way, it is easier this time. Hurts just as bad, but "been there, done that" reminds me that I did it before, I can do it again...but after last night, gotta step up the time frame...I will not let him be alone with my son again-he will have to go outside with me even. He thinks he is now going to start to hurt our boy with his words?...Watch yourself man...you have no idea who I can be...but you are about to find out. You have now angered the Mama Bear in me...and Mama Bear won't let you do it again. I am cutting this short in a big way. Wow, I have a lot to work on. Sheesh.

willpower12

Wow, powerful post. First: don't beat yourself up. You have come far! Life is an ongoing process, move forward and take it one day at a time. I believe u can do it.

I am sitting here reading this and I am
Pained. I just left my HFA and am struggling because I feel like I made a
Mistake.he is in denial but I am heartbroken, like I could have communicated better and made it work... It is so difficult but I feel for u.

Take it one step at a time. Where do you want TODAY to take you and go there.

Many hugs

deracs

He still hasn't taken responsibility - I re-read my last post from 27 MONTHS AGO and all of the wonderful responses I received. Unfortunately, the cycle continued - he started hiding bottles less than 2 months into his 2nd shot at recovery - he's had so many attempts since then. Today he has 2 days dry. The situation got much worse 2 days ago - outside it looks great but inside my house is scary. The physical abuse has escalated, the threats have escalated and my son is now 5 1/2 - he sees and hears more than ever - I read about the 32 yo ACoA on the old posts who is now a drug addict - it petrifies me. AH has asked to stay in the house and I have agreed on the condition that the police will be called at the slightest sign of trouble (I've never called them before) - 2 good friends of his are in AA one for 20+ years and the other with sporadic periods of being dry. I know that i have to force him out in order to save my son and myself - I told AH I will not protect him anymore - i will protect only myself and my son. I see I joined SR in 2005 - 3 months after my engagement and 6 months before I married him - what was i thinking when I went thorugh with it? At least I know Al Anon will take me back - and I hope SR will too.

Katiekate

Hi, thank you so much for your post and your honesty.

I am in the beginning stages of recovery, I have slipped a few times but everytime there is contact, it's just more of the same.

I so sorry you were again betrayed.

Your son is so lucky to have you as his mom.

sending you a big hug Katie.

keepingmyjoy1

Thanks for all you replies. Willpower...don't second guess yourself...if you felt impelled to leave, it was not a mistake. There are no mistakes...only choices. I am finally getting the point that there is nothing we can do to communicate more, try harder etc, that will change them. We are powerless over their addiction. God knows I have been there and done that. Just trust yourself and hold on through the pain. Hugs.

deracs...thanks so much for your thoughts. Do be careful...last time, my AH was pretty nasty and I had to call the cops several times...I hope you have a plan to protect yourself and your son if it turns ugly...do you have somewhere to go? Gosh, I remember how I felt then--hang in there. Right now, mine is pretending everything is fine, but I don't know how long that will last. Just be careful, okay?

Thanks for the hug KatieKate! Guess we just have to keep on keeping on, right?

deracs

thanks keepingmyjoy1 - I am hopeful (as always) that this time will be THE time. he went to a closed meeting lastnight and participated. we're trying to stay out of each other's way - I do have somewhere to go if things get bad agin but I will call the police so I won't have to leave - he will.

Tuffgirl

The three A's come to mind here - Awareness, Acceptance, Action.

You are now aware. Great! Your post sounds like the beginning of acceptance. You've learned some powerful lessons and made some hard choices. There is no shame in that. The shame should only come if you decide not to take full advantage of those lessons learned.

Action is next...keep us posted! You are stronger than you think, and unacceptable behavior is just unacceptable.