willpower12

I am in shock.


Saturday I left my HFA who is in denial. He made it clear to me that I had to choose: to accept him as is or not.

He sai we weren't breaking up but after all this fighting he didn't know where we stood anymore. I was shocked. He said he loved me but I had to make a choice.

So I did. I packed up while he was out, left him a long letter telling him I loved and accepted him but can't accept the bottle. And I left.


I left at the time sure I was saying goodbye... Crying and everything. But the reality was that I deep down had hoped he would wake up...

He didn't. He hasnt called he hasn't reached out.

I am heartbroken. I was so sure this was the man I would spend my life with. We made plans for this, he is buying a new place and we were moving forward...


I have never felt such pain...I feel like our relationship is a lie. Like I didn't try hard enough or he didn't love me enough...this is so painful.

Lilmssunshine

Give him some time. He may not have thought you would have chosen the road you did (though it was for the best). Which probably shocked HIM. He may not be calling so he can get his stuff together. You both need some no contact for a while. It may do you both some good. *Hugs. Im sorry it hurts right now, just know, "this too shall pass". Were all here for ya.

Shadydeal

Well, once again my story! My story much the same but zloty emote drama to our parting. Have heard little or nothing in a month and a half. Breaks my heart after 4 years of good and bad times. Struggles and tears....honestly I still have sick hope but I but one foot in front of the other everyday. Somedays no tears and lately lots! Reality, I know that all the love in the world can't fix this and it is progressive. I read here all the time to assure my self that the stories are the same but the names have changed. It's true but to love someone and the horrible feeling pf rejection is tough. Keep moving forward, he may need time, he is likely shocked at your boundaries. Keep moving forward and take care of yourself. I hope things workout for you. Just want you to know you are not alone. I hurt and cry...cry....cry. This too shall pass or the story will change,

Impurrfect

(((Willpower))) - I'm both an RA (recovering addict/alcholic..addict in my case) and I can assure. When we are active in our addiction, that is ALL we can think of.

I never stopped loving my family when I was using, it just wasn't a thought. All I could think of was getting high.

Five years ago, I chose recovery (after a LOT of consequences) but the man I loved? He chose to stay addicted. He died a couple years ago because smoking that crack pipe was more important than being checked out by a doctor.

We don't use AT you, we don't sit and think "her/him or the drugs/alcohol?" Our minds get short-circuited and all we can think of is MORE! Get numb!!

It has nothing to do with you, and you're not going to understand it unless you live the life of an A.

I'm sorry for your heartbreak, but please do take care of YOU. He's going to do what he wants to do. It hurts, but a lot of us have been there and I will, forever, be making living amends (proving I've changed) but not all of us get there.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Seren

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I know that it hurts right now. The only thing I can tell you is that there is nothing and no one more important to someone in active addiction than his or her drug of choice (DOC). It isn't personal, he is not drinking 'at' you. He's just drinking because he's an alcoholic, and it's what alcoholics do.

In time your hurt will heal. Be kind and gentle with yourself right now. Please come here and vent any time you need! We are open 24/7.

willpower12

Wow thank u all for your sincere words. Especially ^ super honest words.

I woke up in shock and pain... Buy it helps me to keep reinforcing the reality: I made in clear in my letter that I loves him and why I was leaving. I cannot force him to change.

It is so hard because he is in such denial and would always get so defensive when we talked about it... It was like walking in eggshells. It's crazy but sometimes I get these fleeting feelings: "I pushed him away. I didn't handle it well, etc. like it was my fault "

Its like I'm going nutso... Back and forth all the time.. I even wonder: did he ever love me??

Seren

Many of the members here who have left a relationship with someone in active addiction have wondered the same thing. This thread was started in 2005, but talks about it from many angles.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-love-us.html

It seems to me that addictive people DO love, but the need to feed the addiction is much stronger--until they decide that life has become so bad, it's time for a change.

Another classic reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

I hope these will provide a bit of information that will help you as you move forward. Many hugs, HG

bunkie65

I can so relate to your situation. I too had to leave my exaf, the love of my life the father of my kids and my first love. I went to alanon and still do. In alanon I thought I was going to get answers how I could fix him, make him stop and instead I began to look at me and begin to fix me. If you have not already I urge you to go give it at least 6 meetings before you decide if its for you or not. For me no contact was what I did and spent 4 years of very minimal contact maybe once a year. I also was angry during these years. I would flip flop from I still love him to hating him, even though its addiction I hate and his choices. For me seperating the two is still easy to blurr together. I have to remember what active addiction looks like. Selfish, madding, chaos, pain, suffering for the addict. I could get easily sucked into the ride from hello but I don't and if I find myself going there I quickly get off thanks to serinety I like that ride so much better. The only way I get to ride the serenity train is focousing on me, one day at a time, live and let live, trusting god to guide me and take care of my ex, not so easy to do sometimes, that's why I keep going back to alanon to get the strength, hope and tools I need to live a better life.
I still pray for my ex and hope he finds recovery, as of 6 years later still has not. But I have to remind myself he has a higher power too and try to remind myself its not personal he is sick. You can't make a cancer patient get help just as we can't make our loved ones get help. You did not mention children and let me tell you the heaartache that comes with the pain and suffering seeing your children hurt cause dad is out there and wants nothing to do with them is way worse than my pain. Im still healing and learning about me but I have peace most days in my life. I don't know what the future holds and I don't try to figure it out, one day one minute at a time, today I have boundries of what im willing to live with and I know how I will and will not be treated. I still make mistakes cause im human I just brush myself off and keep going. It took me time to heal learn and grow,but I really honestly tried little by little to work at it. Still am. Be kind to yourself and do what's right for you. Your headed in the right direction reaching out for support. Prayers for you and let it begin with you.

bunkie65

As far as the loving you part, I too have been told im the love of his life and don't give up hope on him. Is it manipulation? Does he really care? Maybe I would like to think he does but I can't live with active addiction for me I just can't do it and for our kids. I can't let myself get stuck trying to figure it out either. I keep myself open and do what I need to do for me and my kids. I get cought up in my head trying to figure it out and its not a good place, it makes me sad anxious and frustrated, sad etc... so I go to a meeting or here or call my sponsor and pray. This helps to ground me and get out of the fog of what I can't control or figure out. I would love nothing more than to get back with my ex but is that gods will? I have to want his will and not my own, its hard to decipher sometimes. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and can only trust god has someone for me when its his timing not mine. I think our loved ones do care for us but care more for their doc. Wecant take it personal and just focous on a good life for us, that includes peace and serenity .....

LoneStar2x

Until he decides to make a positive change and get help, you will loose this battle each and every time. You see my dear, he needs the booze more than you. It's his lifeline to a normal (for him) life.

Addicts put everything else on the back burner, nothing matters to them as much. The truth is even if/when he decides to get sober, you may not be in the picture. It's tough being a codie, we always think we can change/help them.

Personally I think you did the right thing. You may be waiting around for years, hoping he comes around. Don't waste your life, it will pass, and you will be the better for it.

I say this due to his denial, and this can last years, and years. If you can convince him to get help that would be great. But remember, they don't do it until they are sick of it, not you.

Best of luck!

MarkstheSpot

Was he a drinker when you met him? I always fell back on that when things came to a head. The old, "You knew what I was like..." argument.


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Muunray

At least there wasn't any pretending going on and it was addressed. Who knows what will happen. As I'm sure you've heard..just cause it hurts doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do.

willpower12

Bunkie- I so relate to everything you said. I admire your strength as well... It is so difficult. If he was manipulating me, I am even more hurt and upset that I fell for it. I still cannot understand: why would he give up what we had for the bottle?? I wasn't even asking him to "stop completely" although now I think he needs that for sure. I was asking him to cut back, because I wanted some evenings with a sober man... He thought I was trying to change him and was being pushy... But if it were the other way around I would have done it for him in a heartbeat (if something hurt him do badly..) but that is not my fight nor my problem to understand... I really thought I was crazy.. He started to convince me that I was creating the problem!! That I was ruining the relationship was a proble
I made up in my head!!

Lone star- I agree with all you said but it also hurts so much more... I want to be inj the picture! I want to work through it!! But I can't be in the picture when he is so angry and hateful when I try to help!

Marksthespot: yes, he said one of his face things to do is sit in a bar and read his book alone with a drink... When we first started dating I thought it was a red flag that when we met up (at night for dinner or a movie at his house) alcohol was always a player. I remember even thinking "can he really love seeing me? I mean how can we gauge our chemistry if we always drink when we see one another?"

I was in denial for a while... It was after I saw him try to cut back (1 or 2 days out of the week, that's all!) and he couldn't and when he started to get defensive that I realized I had to face the truth...

fedup3

Willpower12, what Impurrfect said is so true. Before I divorced my x I asked him why he wasn't there for me to support me when I was going through my cancer treatment and he told me "I never gave you a thought" and with that response I realized for the first time with all his lies he was finally telling me the truth. His life, thoughts, breath were all devoted to alcohol whether I liked it or not and nothing I could muster up to fight this could change that fact, but one thing it did was open my eyes that he wasn't doing this to upset me or hurt me but this just was the fact of who he was. Does that make sense?

MarkstheSpot

Hey that (was) one of my favourite things to do, too!

I never loved the bottle more than I loved MrsMarksthespot. The problem was that for years I either thought either there was no problem, or that the problem was a small one, or it was under control, so I resented being forced to choose.

Say MrsMarksthespot loves chocolate, which she does. If was to tell her, 'Give up your chocolate. What do you love more, me or chocolate? It's chocolate or me,' she'd probably wonder what my beef was. Yes she does eat a lot of chocolate, but she's in great shape and it's only a bit of chocolate, after all.

Well, that's how I was. To steal from an old Onion headline, I was like a chocaholic, except with alcohol. I'd be like, 'Why do I have to make this choice? Why am I being forced to decide? Why should I give up reading a book in the pub? Yeah, I am a heavy drinker, but it's only a bit of alcohol.' The problem was that her argument had no traction because I didn't see my drinking as an issue. Every now and then I would, of course, after I'd disgraced myself in some way, and I was wretched with shame. But I always went back to the booze, and the image of me sitting in the pub with my book was always more attractive and alluring than the one of me drooling and dishevelled and getting thrown out of some club.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't necessarily think he's chosen the bottle over you, or loves it more than he does you. Maybe it's just that at this stage of his drinking career he feels a bit cornered by all the heat. Maybe he thinks it's all a bit of a fuss over nothing.


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willpower12

Marksthespot:

This is so so true!! But now my problem is what do i do? He hasnt reached out to me, and I want to be with him. I truly do love him and the problem hadn't escalated to extremes or anything but he wasn't willing to even look at himself to see if he may have a proble
. I didn't ask him to cut it out I asked him to cut back... And he couldn't. Please do advise... I want to be with him but I am

A. Hurt he didn't reach out
B. don't know how to approach this

I left.. Moved out with a note....

Mavis1

if he is an active alcoholic, yes he does think about and need the bottle more then you, more then family, more then friends, more then a job etc...it is is life.

also, remember active alcoholics are great at really pouring on the "oh poor me" you have given hm an excuse to really drink now (in his mind). that is not your fault, you are not the cause and you certainly can't cure it with anything you can pull from your sleeve. I used to think about things like that, all the time, nothing worked. I gave up. Booze won in my life while I was attached to an active alcoholic, I chose to live and move on. hard choices but it was for the best, I really know that now. it still hurts though, I felt the exact way you do now, I so feel for you and hope you are okay. Try to keep sharing here, don't look back, the drama, the fighting and lies and unstable environment are not healthy, codepencency is very tiring. I wish you well, m

MarkstheSpot

Everything I'm saying here is supposition based on how I was, so please bear that in mind. But I'd say he's not reaching out to you for the simple fact that he doesn't think he has a problem, or that much of a problem. In his mind he's not putting drink above you any more than he puts his favourite TV programme above you. He's thinking, 'It's just a few beers, for crying out loud,' and if he read this thread in his honour he'd probably be cross / bemused / exasperated, because what are you doing talking about him to a bunch of alkie losers, when he's not like that?

I'm afraid that nothing will change until he recognises he has a problem, or the severity of the problem, and no amount of you telling him he has a problem is going to speed the process up.


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willpower12

I want to still make it work... This is so hard! Should I reach out at least to talk?

Freedom1990

Love has nothing to do with addiction, nor will it cure it.

I used to believe that if my now deceased EXAH really loved me, he would get clean/sober.

I took his addictions/alcoholism personally.

It isn't personal though it does feel that way to you right now.

It's not that simple to just "give up" an addiction and/or alcoholism for the sake of love.

It is a disease and needs recovery of some sort to put the beast at bay.

I am the former wife of an addict/alcoholic, in recovery for codependency 12+ years, and a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (21+ years).

Sending you hugs of support.