New member introduction
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
New member introduction
Hello all,
I'm a new member and I won't post much as I continue reading everything that others have already written. I just bought the books "Under the Influence" and "Courage to Change" in the hopes they will also help me. I've read enough on these forums to prompt me to join when I get to the point that I need to ask a question.
My screen name is Spes....it is Latin for "hope" I am married to my best friend and wonderful wife who is an alcoholic. She is not abusive to me, she is just killing herself both mentally and physically. I will not leave her and I hope each day she will decide to change on her own before I arrive at the sad day when I have to tell the children she is dead.
Thank you for creating this place for me to learn.
I'm a new member and I won't post much as I continue reading everything that others have already written. I just bought the books "Under the Influence" and "Courage to Change" in the hopes they will also help me. I've read enough on these forums to prompt me to join when I get to the point that I need to ask a question.
My screen name is Spes....it is Latin for "hope" I am married to my best friend and wonderful wife who is an alcoholic. She is not abusive to me, she is just killing herself both mentally and physically. I will not leave her and I hope each day she will decide to change on her own before I arrive at the sad day when I have to tell the children she is dead.
Thank you for creating this place for me to learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by kiki5711 
do you know what is driving her to drink? just need a bit more info to reply as to what to do.
She had been in a terribly abusive marriage in the past and alcohol is her way of dealing with the pain. I did manage to get her to see a psychologist whom she trusts but she stopped seeing her. She no longer has the desire to fix herself and I have always known that I don't have the power to fix her. She does not believe she has a problem so, in her mind, there is nothing to fix.
She drinks 3-4 bottles of straight vodka a week and 1-2 cartons of cigarettes a week. She has done this continuously for longer than I've known her (12 years). She can't breathe well and has stomach and esophageal issues. She takes meds for depression (Xanax) and chronic coughing (Codeine) and a bunch of pills and inhalors for everything else. She has attempted suicide and has been injured from passing out and falling.
Everything I read here tells me I'm suppose to leave her but I won't do that. I do not enable her and I do not nag her. I just try to make what time she has left as comfortable as I can. I do this for the adult children. I don't believe their mother should be homeless nor do I want them to have to take care of her.
I'm not a saint; I'm actually very sad and discouraged....but that's why I am here. I'm not alone when I'm here.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
Spes, welcome! Yes, many spouses leave their alcoholics. But not all. There is no abuse and your children are adults, so I don't think anyone would say that you're supposed to leave your wife. Each person decides what they have to do for themselves. I am in a similar situation. It hurts to watch my A drinking himself to death as that's surely what he is doing. But I know there's not a thing I can do about it. So I focus on me and take care of myself. This forum is a big help. Keep reading, and please do keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by Spes
Hi kikis5711,
She had been in a terribly abusive marriage in the past and alcohol is her way of dealing with the pain. I did manage to get her to see a psychologist whom she trusts but she stopped seeing her. She no longer has the desire to fix herself and I have always known that I don't have the power to fix her. She does not believe she has a problem so, in her mind, there is nothing to fix.
She drinks 3-4 bottles of straight vodka a week and 1-2 cartons of cigarettes a week. She has done this continuously for longer than I've known her (12 years). She can't breathe well and has stomach and esophageal issues. She takes meds for depression (Xanax) and chronic coughing (Codeine) and a bunch of pills and inhalors for everything else. She has attempted suicide and has been injured from passing out and falling.
Everything I read here tells me I'm suppose to leave her but I won't do that. I do not enable her and I do not nag her. I just try to make what time she has left as comfortable as I can. I do this for the adult children. I don't believe their mother should be homeless nor do I want them to have to take care of her.
I'm not a saint; I'm actually very sad and discouraged....but that's why I am here. I'm not alone when I'm here.
Thank you for listening.
She had been in a terribly abusive marriage in the past and alcohol is her way of dealing with the pain. I did manage to get her to see a psychologist whom she trusts but she stopped seeing her. She no longer has the desire to fix herself and I have always known that I don't have the power to fix her. She does not believe she has a problem so, in her mind, there is nothing to fix.
She drinks 3-4 bottles of straight vodka a week and 1-2 cartons of cigarettes a week. She has done this continuously for longer than I've known her (12 years). She can't breathe well and has stomach and esophageal issues. She takes meds for depression (Xanax) and chronic coughing (Codeine) and a bunch of pills and inhalors for everything else. She has attempted suicide and has been injured from passing out and falling.
Everything I read here tells me I'm suppose to leave her but I won't do that. I do not enable her and I do not nag her. I just try to make what time she has left as comfortable as I can. I do this for the adult children. I don't believe their mother should be homeless nor do I want them to have to take care of her.
I'm not a saint; I'm actually very sad and discouraged....but that's why I am here. I'm not alone when I'm here.
Thank you for listening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and welcome.
Thank you akalacha for your advice. I am halfway through the book "Under the Influence" and I am learning a lot from it.
kiki5711, intervention is available but she has to want it. When her medical problems flare up, I take her to the doctor and hope. When her mental state goes bad and she tries to kill herself or she is injuring herself by falling, I do a lot of praying.
I don't know what to do yet; that's why I am here and also reading about alcoholism and how it affects the body. I just read a post from a lady who lost her husband and her post really helped me a lot. I find that I am not alone here and this may be what helps me make it. She is a wonderful wife and friend; I can take the mental stress because I believe she doesn't hurt me on purpose.
Hope is what keeps me going. Remember that line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption?"
Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.
Thank you akalacha for your advice. I am halfway through the book "Under the Influence" and I am learning a lot from it.
kiki5711, intervention is available but she has to want it. When her medical problems flare up, I take her to the doctor and hope. When her mental state goes bad and she tries to kill herself or she is injuring herself by falling, I do a lot of praying.
I don't know what to do yet; that's why I am here and also reading about alcoholism and how it affects the body. I just read a post from a lady who lost her husband and her post really helped me a lot. I find that I am not alone here and this may be what helps me make it. She is a wonderful wife and friend; I can take the mental stress because I believe she doesn't hurt me on purpose.
Hope is what keeps me going. Remember that line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption?"
Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by Spes
Thank you everyone for your encouragement and welcome.
Thank you akalacha for your advice. I am halfway through the book "Under the Influence" and I am learning a lot from it.
kiki5711, intervention is available but she has to want it. When her medical problems flare up, I take her to the doctor and hope. When her mental state goes bad and she tries to kill herself or she is injuring herself by falling, I do a lot of praying.
I don't know what to do yet; that's why I am here and also reading about alcoholism and how it affects the body. I just read a post from a lady who lost her husband and her post really helped me a lot. I find that I am not alone here and this may be what helps me make it. She is a wonderful wife and friend; I can take the mental stress because I believe she doesn't hurt me on purpose.
Hope is what keeps me going. Remember that line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption?"
Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.
Thank you akalacha for your advice. I am halfway through the book "Under the Influence" and I am learning a lot from it.
kiki5711, intervention is available but she has to want it. When her medical problems flare up, I take her to the doctor and hope. When her mental state goes bad and she tries to kill herself or she is injuring herself by falling, I do a lot of praying.
I don't know what to do yet; that's why I am here and also reading about alcoholism and how it affects the body. I just read a post from a lady who lost her husband and her post really helped me a lot. I find that I am not alone here and this may be what helps me make it. She is a wonderful wife and friend; I can take the mental stress because I believe she doesn't hurt me on purpose.
Hope is what keeps me going. Remember that line in the movie "Shawshank Redemption?"
Remember, Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.
As hard as it sounds, maybe some kind of ultimatum could bring her out of her "zone"? Where she's at now, she hears nothing, and it's all clouds in her mind.
Just find some kind of "ultimatium" that can kind if jerk her out and maybe take a look twice. She has a loving husband, and grown kids. The past is behind. Why not take time to get healthy so both of you can spend some good ol times together.
It might help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Welcome! It is a beautiful thing that you are who you are. Many of us might not be able to do what you are doing. Some of us are doing or have done what you are doing and some not. But you are absolutely right...you are not alone. This site has been my savior for about 5 years....it is really nice to have you with us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Welcome Spes,
You are a good egg.
Maybe you could get her to hospital for some other reason and have a detox while there. Kind of unofficially?
I think sometimes people just give up and just cannot see through the fog.
She is on all sorts of bad stuff. She does need long-term care.
Do a lot of reaching out and gather information for now.
And no, you are not alone.
You are a good egg.
Maybe you could get her to hospital for some other reason and have a detox while there. Kind of unofficially?
I think sometimes people just give up and just cannot see through the fog.
She is on all sorts of bad stuff. She does need long-term care.
Do a lot of reaching out and gather information for now.
And no, you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 53
Welcome! Glad you are here. I'm new here myself but this forum has helped me tremendously in my journey. Some here choose to stay with their A and others choose to leave them...it all depends on the person and the situation. The only right answer is to remember "yourself" in all of this. Hopefully you can find some peace by coming here and reading the forums and participating. Best Wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by kiki5711
What about the kind of "intervention" where they surprise the person and offer them 90 day program and some ultimatum.
As hard as it sounds, maybe some kind of ultimatum could bring her out of her "zone"? Where she's at now, she hears nothing, and it's all clouds in her mind.
Just find some kind of "ultimatium" that can kind if jerk her out and maybe take a look twice. She has a loving husband, and grown kids. The past is behind. Why not take time to get healthy so both of you can spend some good ol times together.
It might help.
As hard as it sounds, maybe some kind of ultimatum could bring her out of her "zone"? Where she's at now, she hears nothing, and it's all clouds in her mind.
Just find some kind of "ultimatium" that can kind if jerk her out and maybe take a look twice. She has a loving husband, and grown kids. The past is behind. Why not take time to get healthy so both of you can spend some good ol times together.
It might help.
If I give her an ultimatum, I fear that will break what remaining spirit she has left. She is a good person and, in those hours before she staarts drinking again, we do have good timess together. I realize that it's important to take care of me and I do find solace in reading but I also need to live without regrets after she is dead. If I give her the best life I can, then I should have no regrets.
I guess what it comes down to is what is best for her. It would be easy if she was a mean, nasty, and abusive drunk but she isn't. I read another poster who said he had confused love with pity. That may be true, I hope not. We still hold hands after 12 years, that can't be pity.
I'm not sure what to do yet and I'm not sure what to continue to write here at this moment. All I'm sure about is that she is heading to an early grave and I don't have the power to change that. I learned a lot last night as I continue to read the storiess of all the people here who are going through their struggles and I sincerely thank all of you for your kindness and support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Well I'm not telling you to leave her...
...nobody here is supposed to tell you what to do specifically. Many people do, and I am probably guilty at times (depending on what people post).
What I will tell you, however, is that since you've decided to stay no matter what there is something that will help you (and by extension your children) do so in a way where you may just find, for yourself, some serenity, peace, and hope.
Please, please, please find yourself an Alanon meeting and start attending regularly. Keep an open mind and try at least six meetings, some different if possible, before deciding if it is for you. Not only will it help you in terms of your relationship with your wife until she dies, but it will also help you in what remains of your own life and may help your children later when they choose life partners.
Here's some help: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico.
Take care,
Cyranoak
What I will tell you, however, is that since you've decided to stay no matter what there is something that will help you (and by extension your children) do so in a way where you may just find, for yourself, some serenity, peace, and hope.
Please, please, please find yourself an Alanon meeting and start attending regularly. Keep an open mind and try at least six meetings, some different if possible, before deciding if it is for you. Not only will it help you in terms of your relationship with your wife until she dies, but it will also help you in what remains of your own life and may help your children later when they choose life partners.
Here's some help: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Thank you Cyranoak,
We live in a small town (population about 400) so everyone knows everyone and I do not want to embarrass her. However, I have taken your advice and found the schedule of meetings in my town. Perhaps I just need to go and listen.
Thank you again.
We live in a small town (population about 400) so everyone knows everyone and I do not want to embarrass her. However, I have taken your advice and found the schedule of meetings in my town. Perhaps I just need to go and listen.
Thank you again.
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