harleyd101

To all here...I guess in a way I felt obligated to post one more time...I haven't been on this website in so very long. I just looked back over my posts, my first on was in 2008..I have loved an alcoholic for 12 years. We went through hell. I didn't and still don't know how to stop loving him. No matter what I read, how strong I felt, my closeness to God, I prayed to stop loving him because the pain of loving someone with an addiction is so great. Then I realized..God doesn't take love, He gives it. Eric was my gift, painful as it was, because the lessons I learned were priceless. I would do it all over again, because every time he tried and stayed sober for months at a time, the beauty of him was overwhelming. We did this for years, and every time he relapsed, he dusted himself off and tried again. For this I give credit where credit is due. He never stopped trying. This last relapse was on December 30, 2011, and I thought it would be like any other...it wasn't. He died on January 6, 2012, and my world was blow wide open by his death. I cry as I type this, because in so many ways I still can't believe he is gone from this earth. Never to hold him, smell him, touch him, hear him again is an agony I would never wish on my worst enemy. I know there is pain here, and for so long I didn't want to see the unhappiness on these pages, because I always felt that if he kept trying, he would get recovery, and I wouldn't suffer as so many of you do and did. How arrogant of me..how insidious is this thing called alcoholism. How dare I think my love was above an alcoholic death...yet looking back, I believe he knew this disease would kill him. There was nothing left unsaid between us. And the reality and horror of addiction remains part of his death. He died in a car, alone, parked in a friends driveway. This friend couldn't get him in the house because he was passed out, and this friend's house was two streets over from ours. All of my prayers, all of my begging and pleading to God to keep him safe, and he died two streets away from me, alone...in a car. He was 48.

The suffering that grief brings takes the breath away. I didn't know suffering before this, now I do. Grief spreads a veil between you and the rest of the world, and locks you in a silent world where the "what if" and "if onlys" rage against the inevitable. I believe that I did all I could for him, yet sometimes my mind tells me that if I had only been there, if if if if if if if...yet God had different plans, and took him home where he no longer suffers, and I am stuck in a constant state of suffering. One more unfairness that this disease brings.

My intent was never to blame, because I chose to go back time and time again. My life, my decisions, my actions, I'm responsible for them all. I believe that the sober times built most of the memories that I hold onto today, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Beautiful memories, trips taken, time spent at home with our families, waking up and falling asleep together, our morning coffee time, our meetings, all beautiful, priceless things. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I guess we never know why God allows some to be afflicted with this disease and others to remain unscathed. Why do we love these people without end? Is it the beauty we see beneath the surface, or is the realization that what a person does when they drink is not truly the person they are or want to be? I dont know, only my own experience with this disease leads me to seek higher spiritual ground, because truly, with 47 years of life behind me, I have never known such a brutal, ugly, powerful thing such as addiction.

I thank you all for being here for me over the years, the words of wisdom helped me through some tough times. I feel the toughest part is yet to come, and with that a wavering of faith that scares me. Yet I will continue to grow, do what I am supposed to do, and try to deal with this crushing pain.

Harley D

Zoenob

I am so very sorry Harley. You are in my thoughts and please know that you are not alone because your post has made me cry right along with you. I don't know you but I feel you and I wish I could give you a warm hug. I am so sorry.

Zoenob

"Never to hold him, smell him, touch him, hear him again is an agony I would never wish on my worst enemy."

That quote is the main reason I have had such a hard time letting go of my A. I cry every time I think those things. It makes no contact so hard.

So Sorry Harley.

MsMahon

My heart goes out to you Harley. I hope you find peace and happiness.

May your pain ease as time passes, and may your fond memories of the happy times grow ever stronger.

Much love and hugs

xxxxxx

BobbyJ

Just wanted to let you know, I appreciate your post and my heart goes out to you.

Couldnt agree more..Addiction sucks

Grieving death is not one of my best things to do. My xah is still alive, but I did
go thru a period of grieving. It was hard, but with lots of prayer and support, I made it thru.... His addiction is like a death and more than likely, it will end up to be a real one...I can see that day coming for me, like you are going thru now...I'm so sorry that your going thru it. Your strong, keep going!

Keep your head straight up!

Tuffgirl

So very sorry for your loss, Harley. Its heartbreaking. Take good care!

Seren

I'm so very sorry to hear about the death of your husband, harley. You have my deepest sympathies. You, your husband, and your whole family are in my prayers.



Thank you for this very powerful truth. It truly touched me today:
"If love could cure addiction, none of us would be here." - Ann

Taking5

So very sorry for your loss. Why I am not amongst the dead is beyond me.

There is a grief forum here as well, and I am sure they are great support too. So this doesn't have to be your last post. I am also sure that the folks here in the F&F forum could use your experience if you care to share it.

keepingmyjoy1

I am so sorry for your loss Harley....

Katiekate

I'm so sorry.

Pelican

Prayers of peace to you and all who loved him.

Thank you for coming here and sharing your pain, your love and your struggle. I am touched by your share.

May you feel the support and encouragement coming your way from your family here at SR (((harley)))

tjp613

Adding my prayers for your serenity and I extend my deepest sympathy. (((Hugs)))

celticgenes

I can feel the grief seeping out of your post, and am so sorry for your loss. I'm pre-grieving. Let my fiance go to his "mistress" after 20 years of battle. Only mine never tried much.

I am so sorry for your pain. You do know in your heart that you could not have saved him, right?

Keep all of those warm, happy, sober memories close. That's the man you will be happy to remember.

Good luck in your personal recovery.

iamchange08

I am so sorry Harley, I too have lost due to this horrible disease, my son was nineteen and a knock at my door one morning his friends could not wake him, he was gone. Just know time helps and you seem to be thinking in a good way. I too have this and I live daily in the word of God otherwise I would not be here. I will keep you in my prayers.....god bless you and yours!

marie1960

I have no words.........

My sincere sympathy to you and your family.

Lilmssunshine

This post is very moving. It has motivated me that much more to let go of my A early. Im sorry your grieving. Your a strong woman, who deserves all the joy life has to offer.

jessiec

My heart breaks for you. God bless.

wicked

You gave everything you could for him.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Beth

Spes

Harley,

I am so sorry.

Your words have made a difference in my life.

Holly7

If I die, survive me with such sheer force
that you waken the furies of the pallid and the cold,
from south to south lift your indelible eyes,
from sun to sun dream through your singing mouth.
I don't want your laughter or your steps to waver,
I don't want my heritage of joy to die.
Don't call up my person. I am absent.
Live in my absence as if in a house.
Absence is a house so vast
that inside you will pass through its walls
and hang pictures on the air
Absence is a house so transparent
that I, lifeless, will see you, living,
and if you suffer, my love, I will die again.
~Pablo Neruda