KattieM

My ex boyfriend and I broke up about 2 mos. ago. I am feeling guilty because I just snapped at him. It had to do with him drinking, but I never really told him that. He always had to have 2 or 3 beers before doing anything. We had dinner plans and when I arrived he was working on #2 that I knew of. He finished it and didn't hesitate to go for #3. I said that I wasn't comfy with him driving after he had 2. He didn't hesitate to open the 3rd one. I felt like I was nothing more than a designated driver. He was alone all day so, chances are he had more than the 2 I knew of. This was always the situation. I can't remember seeing him within the last year or 2 without a beer in his hand. He had a dui and now lost his home, cause he couldn't afford the mtg payments due to not working during the dui. I caught him lieing to me about being home alone, when in reality he had some other woman there. I didn't care about that, cause I date others as well, but the lies were driving me nuts. He is 53 years old and was acting like a 2 year old. Always had to be in control of the conversation and whatever was going on around him. Always had a 30 pack in his refrigerator. I have suggested numerous times that he might need help, but he insisted he has no problem, yet the mood swings (he takes anti-depressant meds as well) and the anger issues got the best of me. I had enough, but still feel guilty. I feel he has a problem, but I need to hear it from someone else. His family has a history of alcohol problems, his father and his sister have both had issues and spent time in rehab. He is the oldest, so no one has the nerve to speak up and tell him he isn't the perfect person he swears he is. I was never an angry person, but found myself angry when I was around him. He always had some kind of drama going on, but never thought he needed to make changes, but everyone else should. I can't seem to get that evening out of my head. I felt there was nothing else I could do for him. Did I do the right thing to walk out? A friend told me that he felt I was lucky to get out without any major incidents. Havent heard a word from him since.

onceuponatime2

You have every right to say that you will not tolerate this in your life. In fact, it's healthy. You can't save him. He has to realize that he has a problem, and he is the only one that can do anything about his recovery.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home here by reading and posting as much as needed. You will find information, support and encouragement.

I think you were doing what was best for you. Good on you for taking care of yourself!

When I first arrived here, I learned about the three C's of my loved ones addiction:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

Your ex has a problem with alcohol. He has a history of drama that is alcohol related. Alcoholism is progressive - it does get worse.

I was powerless to fix or change my AXH (alcoholic ex husband), but I sure made myself crazy trying. I was sure I could love him into a life of recovery. I'm not that powerful. Besides, he is an adult and can live his life as he chooses. I just chose to take a different path with my life.

Stick around.
We are here to support you.

KattieM

Sad thing is I really don't think he will every recover, cause he never considers himself drunk. I could tell just by looking at him. He doesn't even finish one beer and he was headed for the refrigerator for another. When he got his dui, he ran out of money, and barely had food in his house, but he always had beer. That to me is just unbelievable. He entertained other women and from what his one friend told me - he invited them into his home as if he was proud of it. I don't understand cause I was embarrassed when he would mention the foreclosure. He always told me he is "proud". Proud of what????

fourmaggie

Did I do the right thing to walk out?

read all the post, literatures and how all of us dealt with our A/NAs in our life, then come back here, lets say in a months time, then tell us how you are doing...

the A only cares about one thing in their life...that booze or drugs...until they see it as a problem for themselves, and want change for all the right reasons...then maybe it will change...otherwise NOTHING ELSE MATTERS....

you did what is called NO CONTACT or detached ....trust me, its a good thing...

celticgenes

God, I remember that sinking feeling of showing up for a date with my XAF, and finding him a few beers in. Already wobbly, slurring, and here I was, dressed to go out, having driven an hour to get to his place.

My A was also in his 50's, divorced (shocker), and always had tons of beer in the fridge. Never food, just beer.

He actually quit drinking when I told him I would not walk that path with him. We had some good years after that, but he eventually returned to his first, and only love, alcohol. He got really pissed at me for standing my ground on active addiction being a dealbreaker. His quote was "c'mon, plenty of people have a few drinks now and then". QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! Sure they do, they're called normal drinkers, not raging alcoholics. So now he's in his 60's, alone.

Wished I could have saved us both, but I can only save me. Good luck to you!

KattieM

I can see now that there are many characteristics that all Alcoholics seem to have. The thing that bothers me is that I was so blind. I always knew there was something wrong but guess I never wanted to admit it. Bothers me alot cause the women he seems to attract are all clones of his ex wife. I was the only one that looked nothing like her. He insisted that they were just friends, but he has no problem getting them. I realized I was changing and becoming angry and didn't like ME. He mentioned many times that I had changed, but only recently did I realize that he made me change. It was getting to me that I was the only one who ever seemed to notice he was always drinking. We would go to a family members house to meet and go out, and he'd have a beer. Needless to say he just finished one before we left his place. The foreclosure on his house got to me as well. I realized he was not reliable and I could not trust him. He even asked me to move in at one time, but I kept thinking that all he wanted was the extra income. I am the stable one and when I told him he was unstable, he got so pissed. I do feel as if he loved me, but as you said, I think he would give me or anyone else up for his first love - alcohol. I do feel alone, cause none of my friends cared for him. Just wish I hadn't wasted 3 years with this loser.

dollydo

I was blind as a bat too, today 3 years later, after throwing abf out...for good...I can see clearly now. Don't be hard on yourself, make this experience a guidepost, not a hitching post...learn from it!

KattieM

That is the sad part. I really wasn't blind, but I kept making excuses. Kept thinking everything would go away. I remember when he went back to work after the dui - I kept thinking he'd realize he screwed up and get his act together. Not the case. The entire 7 months that he couldn't drive, he spent crying, complaining, yelling and drinking. That is when I should have left for good, but I felt bad. I feel bad no longer. Granted, I was nasty with him the last night we were together, but it was brought on by his nasty attitude and the smell of beer on him.

dollydo

Keep moving forward, there is no future with him.

KattieM

I am certain I did the right thing. However, my heart is aching. He has most likely moved on and will never look back. I, on the other hand, am hurting. Just can't stop thinking about how good it was before he showed his true colors. Looking back, I guess he was hiding this side of himself. He called in to work and told them he had a drinking problem, took a few days off and then went back as if nothing happened. Another time he went to an AA meeting with a friend and said "I don't belong there". I am still very confused, but thank you for caring.

dollydo

He is 53, he is an alcoholic, there is no making sense of anything. Forget the what if's, let the fantasy go...for you..he is not a keeper.

KattieM

I know I will get thru this - just having trouble with it right now. I know I will learn from this experience. I will also be more cautious when chosing a partner in the future. Your post was amazing and put several things in perspective for me. Still going to be hard. As I said in the beginning - it has been 2 months, but for some reason the past few days have been VERY hard. There are days that it doesn't bother me that much, then it comes back with a vengence. Hopefully the good days will begin to outweigh the bad ones.

DMC

It's normal grieving - for the possibility, the lost time, everything. Normal.

Don't beat yourself up, and yes, the good days will eventually outnumber the bad.
And 3 years is pretty darn good around here. I stuck around for 11 before getting the heck out of dodge.

Be good to yourself.
Hugs.

KattieM

Just curious - were the lies the early sign that I should not have ignored? Where he was and who he was with??? I keep hearing the words of his ex wife and now realize she was the one who got out in time. She mentioned him needing to go to AA and the controlling attitide. I suppose she was on to something.

marie1960

Kattie,

Active alkies can be very charming (in the beginning), it's as if they have all attended the same charm school. The have a remarkable ability to suck us into their vortex of need.

Alkies lie, that is just what they do. You are now questioning your own judgement, that is a good thing, never substitute someone else's judgement for your own. Your gut instinct was talking to you the whole time. I chose not to listen to mine, and paid the price just as you are now.

Of course it hurts, just know you are doing the right thing, for you. With time you will feel more confident about the decision you have made. There is a reason his wife is an EX.

Time to go forward and concentrate on you. All the what if's cannot change this guy.
He is an addict, he is addicted, until he chooses recovery for HIMSELF, he is not relationship material. Keep busy and do things you enjoy, believe in yourself, you made a very smart decision to not stay involved with an active alkie. Give yourself permission to go forward.......... Peace.