drunk husband
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
Welcome to the forum.You'll find a lot of understanding and support here.Whether you choose to go or stay, Al Anon can help you take care of yourself.Stay around and do some reading..especially the FYI/powerposts at the top of the page.We're glad you're here.
phoenix
phoenix
Member
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: California, USA
Posts: 1,095
Vick,
I'm sorry to hear so much pain in your voice. I have an understanding of what you are going through. I am not married to an alcoholic, but I grew up in an alcoholic family, and it was pretty brutal.
This is a great place for support. I don't know if you've already done so, but Al-anon meetings can be really helpful. You will learn alot though just be reading the posts here and posting about what you are dealing with.
One of the first things is learning how to take care of yourself, because most people that are living with an addict or an alcoholic spend most of their time taking care of them. It is exhausting, and unrewarding.
Welcome to the boards, and feel free to talk about anything you want. There is always someone willing to listen. We care about you.
Juls
I'm sorry to hear so much pain in your voice. I have an understanding of what you are going through. I am not married to an alcoholic, but I grew up in an alcoholic family, and it was pretty brutal.
This is a great place for support. I don't know if you've already done so, but Al-anon meetings can be really helpful. You will learn alot though just be reading the posts here and posting about what you are dealing with.
One of the first things is learning how to take care of yourself, because most people that are living with an addict or an alcoholic spend most of their time taking care of them. It is exhausting, and unrewarding.
Welcome to the boards, and feel free to talk about anything you want. There is always someone willing to listen. We care about you.
Juls
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I lived with alcoholics also, and I finally reached the end of my rope. I tried Al-Anon meetings.......and am so, so glad I did. It helped me so much.
Give your local Al-Anon group a call and go to a meeting. You won't regret your decision to try.
Give your local Al-Anon group a call and go to a meeting. You won't regret your decision to try.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 9
Vicky, I have dealt with an alcoholic for the past 17 years. I am tired now. I have learned you cannot change someone. I learned that they have to want to change. I just learned there is a place called Al-anon. I got a number from this website and I am goint go give it a try. I am a strong person. But I learned I can't do it alone. i have spend 17 years in the circle of life of my husband. Where has my life been all this years or my kids. It has always been about him. I think it is my time to live.
Silver Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Colorado
Posts: 28
I've had that same thought so many times before about my wife. When she's sober or trying to be sober I love her so much, but when she's drunk she's a stranger to me. I always come here when I'm feeling frustrated by it all. I always learn again that I have to start with my health and well being, then anything is possible.
FF
FF
Paused
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Down South
Posts: 6
Vick, I am in the same situation. I tried al-anon 7 or 8 years ago, but wasn't ready for it. I have recently started going to meetings again, it's gonna take a while, but I'm going to keep going for me. I often think how my life would be if I left him. But then he'll have a few sober days & I love him to pieces. I don't know if I'll end up with or without him, but I'm going to go to al-anon meetings for me, they really do make me feel better, not so alone. Good Luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Welcome Vick!!!
We have all struggled with to stay or not to stay....but top priority is taking care of you.....once that begins, your decisions will become more clear. Some will come faster than others, but YOU will feel sooooo much better.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) keep posting!!!
Blessings,
Constant
We have all struggled with to stay or not to stay....but top priority is taking care of you.....once that begins, your decisions will become more clear. Some will come faster than others, but YOU will feel sooooo much better.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) keep posting!!!
Blessings,
Constant
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Citizen of the world
Posts: 74
“I Love my A” is no reason to live that “shadow life” so many of us are familiar with. “I love my A”, does not translate into sellout, or accommodation at the expense of self. To be able to love someone “unconditionally” we must first be able to extend to ourselves the same “gift”, and yet while we’ll intimate to ourselves that “Of course I do”, a heartbeat later, we’ll pose a “choice”, and offer up a conflict to the world at large.
I don’t know that a an “active program” can survive without a redefinition of what precisely that term “love” actually means, both in the specifics of the giving and in the reception, for that will be the beginnings of our boundaries, “unconditional” still an ethereal blip on the horizon of newly expanding experience.
At the same time, we struggle to learn the lexicon of active addiction, and how THAT can possibly translate in terms of love, compassion, and what we really will have to settle for if we persist in “our” definition. Yup, I can “love” a wounded puppy, but I need to come to grips with the reality that in his “woundedness” he’ll never play like the sound and well dog, I thought I had. As much as I may minister to that pup, as much as I may tend him, feel sorry for ‘im, nurse and nurture him, until he licks his own wounds, what I’m living with is a wounded puppy. I cannot make him other than does his “nature”.
Yes, books, message boards, contact with others whose circumstances mirror ours, all can be somewhat helpful, yet THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR WORKING THE STEPS. Still every time I hear someone say “Oh, those steps will work for anyone if ya just change the word “alcohol”, I just cringe. Even our basic text will tell you that even the most well intentioned folk, will not be motivated to do what is necessary until the discomfort of their travail, drives them to it. It is what it is,--------one of my favorite sayings, and even then the “filter’ of our experience be it with or without that trip into stepworkland will be the final arbiter.
Jeff
What is love?"
"The total absence of fear," said the Master.
"What is it we fear?"
"Love," said the Master.
I don’t know that a an “active program” can survive without a redefinition of what precisely that term “love” actually means, both in the specifics of the giving and in the reception, for that will be the beginnings of our boundaries, “unconditional” still an ethereal blip on the horizon of newly expanding experience.
At the same time, we struggle to learn the lexicon of active addiction, and how THAT can possibly translate in terms of love, compassion, and what we really will have to settle for if we persist in “our” definition. Yup, I can “love” a wounded puppy, but I need to come to grips with the reality that in his “woundedness” he’ll never play like the sound and well dog, I thought I had. As much as I may minister to that pup, as much as I may tend him, feel sorry for ‘im, nurse and nurture him, until he licks his own wounds, what I’m living with is a wounded puppy. I cannot make him other than does his “nature”.
Yes, books, message boards, contact with others whose circumstances mirror ours, all can be somewhat helpful, yet THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR WORKING THE STEPS. Still every time I hear someone say “Oh, those steps will work for anyone if ya just change the word “alcohol”, I just cringe. Even our basic text will tell you that even the most well intentioned folk, will not be motivated to do what is necessary until the discomfort of their travail, drives them to it. It is what it is,--------one of my favorite sayings, and even then the “filter’ of our experience be it with or without that trip into stepworkland will be the final arbiter.
Jeff
What is love?"
"The total absence of fear," said the Master.
"What is it we fear?"
"Love," said the Master.
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Van Wert Ohio
Posts: 2
Last time i was here it was Friday.Well here it is Tuesday and he is drunk passed out again.My grandaughter is here we were supposed to go out to eat and came home and here we go again.I tried to talk to him Saturday and it was on deaf ears.I have decided tommorrow I'm going to tell him that it is best I we go our seperate ways.We have been together 23 years and it is not going to be easy.The last year or so I feel like I am alone anyway.God I hope this is what it takes for him to see he is losing everything that he says matters to him.What I can't understand is he has an uncle this way and seen the years of hell is aunt has went through and he does the same thing.
Paused
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: PA
Posts: 1
Hi, I'm new here but I saw recently that I live with two people...the one I love, and every evening, the one I avoid. I thought I was nuts until I figured out that I really DO love him and dislike him at the same time! It is way past time for me to begin to have a life that suits me, and he can come along or not. Hang in there Vick, I lost my precious granddaughter because she won't come here any more. Love to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Tx
Posts: 4
I feel your pain I too am married to a drunk, for 18+ yrs....
He is drunk EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I love him but man he sure makes it hard to even like him sometimes. I don't know what to do. I have 2 teen daughters and now we find out we are expecting again. Damn it I thought I was almost home free now this happens. I have been a sahm pretty much our whole relationship and he has provided very well up until the past few years. He loses money or passes out at the club/bar and gets robbed blind. A few times of over a thousand bucks AT ONCE. I begged and pleaded please stop but he doesn't care to. I am at my wits end. My oldest daughter is a senior this yr and I have one going into 9 th grade. And in November I guess our boy will make his presence into this sad and crazy world. He comes home stupid drunk and pisses all over himself and everything else. Wonders around the yard and kicks at the front door to get in. I find myself sitting up at night dreaming of his demise. Which I feel guilty as hell for but I am just so tired. I don't have friends or family I can talk to. Not that they would understand anyways. I just wanna give up, I just don't know how....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am just glad you are here.
People will be a lot more experience than I have will be along soon.
This is a safe space to vent, spew or whatever you need to do.
Al-Anon helped me, as did reading and learning how to take care of myself.
We often mention the three Cs....You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
Thinking of you now.
People will be a lot more experience than I have will be along soon.
This is a safe space to vent, spew or whatever you need to do.
Al-Anon helped me, as did reading and learning how to take care of myself.
We often mention the three Cs....You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
Thinking of you now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome fedup. I know the feeling...scream or explode. The craziness of alcoholism...its a roller coaster ride, that's for sure.
Hope you find some peace and serenity here as I have.
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? Also a great resource.
Take good care,
~T
Hope you find some peace and serenity here as I have.
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? Also a great resource.
Take good care,
~T
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