Frustrated with my AH!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OK
Posts: 26
Frustrated with my AH!
I just signed up this morning for this forum and have read ALOT of stuff on here! Half of me now wants to run for the hills and the other half wants to try to save him!
I am married to a very wonderful person, big hearted, and truly loves me and his family! The problem? He is an alcoholic in denial. The last few weeks have weighed very heavy on me as my kids are starting to say things to me about it as well. One of my Son's started counting how many drinks a day he has and it is unbelievable that he is not sick. Within a 5-6 hour period my AH will have 15-18 beers! He does wait till he gets home from work, but that is alot in such a short amount of time. (I used to have a beer or two in the evenings as well, but quit that months ago hoping he would at least slow down).
I forget which post I read but I am truly the "Wife" in Act 3 of the alcoholics play. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
Not sure what is going to happen, or what road I am going to take, but I had to vent somewhere! I actually tried talking to his family about it a few years back and that totally backfired on me. I guess blood IS thicker than water!
Maybe as the days go on, if you all don't mind, I may vent more as I try to find the reasons and underlying issues of some of his words/actions. I have seen/read alot of posts of encouragment and alot of posts that fall in the "that is me" category!
Thank you for letting me vent, and glad to "meet" all of you!
Jen
I am married to a very wonderful person, big hearted, and truly loves me and his family! The problem? He is an alcoholic in denial. The last few weeks have weighed very heavy on me as my kids are starting to say things to me about it as well. One of my Son's started counting how many drinks a day he has and it is unbelievable that he is not sick. Within a 5-6 hour period my AH will have 15-18 beers! He does wait till he gets home from work, but that is alot in such a short amount of time. (I used to have a beer or two in the evenings as well, but quit that months ago hoping he would at least slow down).
I forget which post I read but I am truly the "Wife" in Act 3 of the alcoholics play. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
Not sure what is going to happen, or what road I am going to take, but I had to vent somewhere! I actually tried talking to his family about it a few years back and that totally backfired on me. I guess blood IS thicker than water!
Maybe as the days go on, if you all don't mind, I may vent more as I try to find the reasons and underlying issues of some of his words/actions. I have seen/read alot of posts of encouragment and alot of posts that fall in the "that is me" category!
Thank you for letting me vent, and glad to "meet" all of you!
Jen
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Jen and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found this place. There's a lot of widsom and support to be had here.
In case you don't know them already, I'm going to post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
That last C speaks a lot to your need to save your AH (alcoholic husband). You simply do not have the power to make him do anything. The only power you have is over yourself and your own actions.
I hope you stick around to read lots (the Classic reading stickies are awesome) and post even more. Don't hesitate. We've all been through major post-fests. That's what SR is here for, and the best part: SR is always open
In case you don't know them already, I'm going to post for you the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it
That last C speaks a lot to your need to save your AH (alcoholic husband). You simply do not have the power to make him do anything. The only power you have is over yourself and your own actions.
I hope you stick around to read lots (the Classic reading stickies are awesome) and post even more. Don't hesitate. We've all been through major post-fests. That's what SR is here for, and the best part: SR is always open
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East
Posts: 27
One of the most important things you have to remember is you can't save him. The only thing you will do by trying to save him, is make your life hell.
People with substance abuse issues only get better when they can't stand it anymore, not you, or the kids etc.
I went through the same thing with my wife until one day I said f**k it, I want my life back. I made some good decisions, got her out of the house for a while etc.
It's hard not to let it consume you, I let it for more years than I care to remember. You can let him know what he stands to loose, it might help. If you give him an ultimatum, be prepared to go through with it.
Hopefully some sense will sneak in, and he will start down the right path. I wish you all the luck in the world, it's a very tough battle. But it can be won..
People with substance abuse issues only get better when they can't stand it anymore, not you, or the kids etc.
I went through the same thing with my wife until one day I said f**k it, I want my life back. I made some good decisions, got her out of the house for a while etc.
It's hard not to let it consume you, I let it for more years than I care to remember. You can let him know what he stands to loose, it might help. If you give him an ultimatum, be prepared to go through with it.
Hopefully some sense will sneak in, and he will start down the right path. I wish you all the luck in the world, it's a very tough battle. But it can be won..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: OK
Posts: 26
Thank you all! There is definately some tension going on around here and he knows it! We just haven't had that talk yet, and I'm not sure I'm ready to as he always quick to turn things around about what my faults are!
Ugh!! It is very frustrating as I said before, his own family is no help, so struggling with how and when to bring this subject up!
Thanks again for all the great info I have already read! I will probably be up most the night reading!
Jen
Ugh!! It is very frustrating as I said before, his own family is no help, so struggling with how and when to bring this subject up!
Thanks again for all the great info I have already read! I will probably be up most the night reading!
Jen
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Originally Posted by cfm 
Oh no he doesn't.
If your husband is truly an alcoholic and has more than 10 mi to drive he's already pounded 6 by the time he hits the door.
If your husband is truly an alcoholic and has more than 10 mi to drive he's already pounded 6 by the time he hits the door.
This went on for years until he couldn't work anymore and spent the last year of his life bed ridden, unable to keep much of anything in his stomach, with a distended belly and swollen legs and feet and turned yellow. He spent his final few days in the hospital and died from cirrhosis of the liver.
Just because someone works all day and waits until they get home to start drinking doesn't mean a thing. They can still die from alcoholism, so it's up to you how much time you want to spend watching him deteriorate because you cannot save him.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please continue to vent, read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
I will share a link to a sticky post (older, permanent post at the top of this page) that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home. Here is a link to the sticky post that has steps that can help you too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please continue to vent, read and post as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
I will share a link to a sticky post (older, permanent post at the top of this page) that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home. Here is a link to the sticky post that has steps that can help you too:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by LuvsTaz
...he always quick to turn things around about what my faults are!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Maybe as the days go on, if you all don't mind, I may vent more as I try to find the reasons and underlying issues of some of his words/actions
It's a guarentee that the only reason for his underlying issues and words/actions are his disease.
It's a guarentee that the only reason for his underlying issues and words/actions are his disease.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: dow, illinois
Posts: 71
New here too
Im new here too. Joined here about a month ago , and its the best thing ive done. My husband is a meth addict. Been in an out of the house to many times to count. Lost his job( of 25 years), totaled our truck, sold or pawned everything we had. Now we have lost our home. I would of never made it (gone crazy) if it hadnt been for SR. Im getting a little stronger everyday, told him he cant come back anymore. Just wanted you to hear a little of my story because , i never thought this could happen to me. I have been going to nar-anon and it has helped, and i post here alot and it helps, there is so much help and support to help you get through this. Just knowing your not alone. FORGOT TO SAY WELCOME. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
I too live with an Alcoholic husband. He waits until after work to drink, and also drinks on the weekends. I decided to heed some of the words of wisdom from the people here by understanding the three C's. I now work on my own recovery from co-dependency and enablism. I refuse to purchase his beer, and will not interact with him if he is drunk. He has cut back drastically and usually drinks low-alcohol beer, but I know there will be binge drinking sometimes.
If I sense (and yes, I can almost always sense beforehand) a binge coming on, I do whatever I can to distance myself from the situation. The only enabling act I can't seem to stop is that I will always provide a ride home for him if he calls me. I can not, in good conscience, allow him to drive the roads that innocent people are also driving on. I know that he will drive drunk if I refuse to pick him up.
Many here have suggested that I tell him that I will pick him up, and then call the police and have them show up instead. But I won't because then I am a liar. Not only that, but him getting a dui will not make him stop drinking. Only he will decide if he wants to stop. And our finances are 100% tied together, so any costs he incurs will also effect me. I am not prepared to let that happen.
These are just my thoughts. You need to do what is right for you and your children. Keep venting here. It's a wonderful place.
If I sense (and yes, I can almost always sense beforehand) a binge coming on, I do whatever I can to distance myself from the situation. The only enabling act I can't seem to stop is that I will always provide a ride home for him if he calls me. I can not, in good conscience, allow him to drive the roads that innocent people are also driving on. I know that he will drive drunk if I refuse to pick him up.
Many here have suggested that I tell him that I will pick him up, and then call the police and have them show up instead. But I won't because then I am a liar. Not only that, but him getting a dui will not make him stop drinking. Only he will decide if he wants to stop. And our finances are 100% tied together, so any costs he incurs will also effect me. I am not prepared to let that happen.
These are just my thoughts. You need to do what is right for you and your children. Keep venting here. It's a wonderful place.
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