Tired of being his MOTHER
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Tired of being his MOTHER
So things have been a little rocky with the boyfriend, but getting better. I have had a few deaths in the family, work drama, school drama, stuff that has kept me away from here in a while, except for the occasional post.
So the boyfriend is starting to realize what he is doing to himself. Like my therapist said today, he realizes things when he is sober, and he does have more sober time between drinking, so hopefully this is an upward trend.
The thing that pisses me off is that he has all these bills that he racked up since he got drinking really bad, and he does give me money occasionally, but I don't think it is enough to raise two kids with. He makes almost $20 an hour, and his hours got cut to 30 a week. He gets paid every two weeks. His last check was over a thousand bucks. I got nothing. The two weeks before that, I got $160. Mind you, in those two weeks, he borrowed $71 from me. I am a single parent of two kids, I only make $9 an hour, and my bills are WAY more than his, even with all of his debts.
So he owes me $71 from almost a month ago, for gas. I stopped lending him money, but since he was coming home and almost helping with the kids, and not going out and drinking, I figured I would give it to him. So he is supposed to pay me back next week. Yeah right.
So we got in an argument because I told him I am tired of supporting him. I make sure he is fed, his clothes are washed, he has somewhere to sleep and take a shower and all that, and the least he could do is watch the kids, or at least help with the chores, while I do homework or whatever. It's not like I leave the house or anything, so I am here anyway. But I am tired of supporting him and he does nothing for me, gives me nothing in return. And don't think for a second that you are going to live for free in my house.
He was complaining about sex because we never do it, and the way I see it, it's just one more thing I am giving him, and more time he is taking away from me when I could be doing something useful like homework or housework or sleeping (you don't get much of that with an infant in the house). That doesn't even touch the fact that A. I really don't want to anyway because he annoys me, and B. I really don't want to anyway because I have no sex drive because I am on antidepressants. But whatever.
I was on the phone with my ex a little bit ago, we are just friends, we were together in high school. He asked if I love the ABF, and I said, no, not anymore. Why bother when he is going to hurt me anyway. And when he does get drunk a couple of times a week, he is straight mean. I learned to laugh at him, even though it hurts, because he only says that **** to **** me off.
So tonight, the kids were on my last nerve, and I got mad, and he just left. Just walked out of the house because I am "crazy." Yes, well. The life I lead does that. And what kind of father are you to not help me with the kids when they are obviously stressing me out? I have a thousand things going on in my life, even he admits that, but he doesn't realize that he makes everything worse. My therapist said today she wonders when he will get to that point. I said never. I know he also has stuff going on, but that is not my problem. I don't rant and rave at him about how stuff at work is making me mad like he does to me, and then blames me for it. Whatever. I have two kids to take care of, I don't need a third.
The ex said it would suck if he loses his job, I said why? It's not like I am getting any money anyway. Don't ask where it goes, because he isn't talking to anyone anymore since Sprint turned his phone off because he wasn't paying. So now his various doctors and whatever (he has a worker's comp case out) have MY number. And really, I do know that he is in a tight spot right now, I know what his bills are. But to be honest, if I went through the court to get his child support money (and really, all I want is the emotional support, oh, and half of my rent if you want to live here, not to mention the money you already owe me) I would get at least $400 a month. It's looking better and better. But I know that he is getting there, he is so close to his bottom, you can tell looking at him.
What I DON'T need is him stressing me out. I DON'T need him passing out in my bed, so I have no room to sleep in it. I DON'T need to worry about what loser friends he has my kids around when I am at work, the few times I do let him watch them, and that is because daycare is closed or whatever, because if I have another option, I take it every time. I DON'T need him here running up my electric bill and telling me it's my problem when I yell at him for leaving all the lights on. This goes on and on. He thinks that he is the best thing since sliced bread or something, but I already know, I am better off without him. And I have given up. I haven't cried over him in months, because I just don't care. I barely even get mad anymore. I just don't care.
What I am saying is, get straight or get out. If he wants his mama, he needs to go back to Nebraska where he came from and find her.
So the boyfriend is starting to realize what he is doing to himself. Like my therapist said today, he realizes things when he is sober, and he does have more sober time between drinking, so hopefully this is an upward trend.
The thing that pisses me off is that he has all these bills that he racked up since he got drinking really bad, and he does give me money occasionally, but I don't think it is enough to raise two kids with. He makes almost $20 an hour, and his hours got cut to 30 a week. He gets paid every two weeks. His last check was over a thousand bucks. I got nothing. The two weeks before that, I got $160. Mind you, in those two weeks, he borrowed $71 from me. I am a single parent of two kids, I only make $9 an hour, and my bills are WAY more than his, even with all of his debts.
So he owes me $71 from almost a month ago, for gas. I stopped lending him money, but since he was coming home and almost helping with the kids, and not going out and drinking, I figured I would give it to him. So he is supposed to pay me back next week. Yeah right.
So we got in an argument because I told him I am tired of supporting him. I make sure he is fed, his clothes are washed, he has somewhere to sleep and take a shower and all that, and the least he could do is watch the kids, or at least help with the chores, while I do homework or whatever. It's not like I leave the house or anything, so I am here anyway. But I am tired of supporting him and he does nothing for me, gives me nothing in return. And don't think for a second that you are going to live for free in my house.
He was complaining about sex because we never do it, and the way I see it, it's just one more thing I am giving him, and more time he is taking away from me when I could be doing something useful like homework or housework or sleeping (you don't get much of that with an infant in the house). That doesn't even touch the fact that A. I really don't want to anyway because he annoys me, and B. I really don't want to anyway because I have no sex drive because I am on antidepressants. But whatever.
I was on the phone with my ex a little bit ago, we are just friends, we were together in high school. He asked if I love the ABF, and I said, no, not anymore. Why bother when he is going to hurt me anyway. And when he does get drunk a couple of times a week, he is straight mean. I learned to laugh at him, even though it hurts, because he only says that **** to **** me off.
So tonight, the kids were on my last nerve, and I got mad, and he just left. Just walked out of the house because I am "crazy." Yes, well. The life I lead does that. And what kind of father are you to not help me with the kids when they are obviously stressing me out? I have a thousand things going on in my life, even he admits that, but he doesn't realize that he makes everything worse. My therapist said today she wonders when he will get to that point. I said never. I know he also has stuff going on, but that is not my problem. I don't rant and rave at him about how stuff at work is making me mad like he does to me, and then blames me for it. Whatever. I have two kids to take care of, I don't need a third.
The ex said it would suck if he loses his job, I said why? It's not like I am getting any money anyway. Don't ask where it goes, because he isn't talking to anyone anymore since Sprint turned his phone off because he wasn't paying. So now his various doctors and whatever (he has a worker's comp case out) have MY number. And really, I do know that he is in a tight spot right now, I know what his bills are. But to be honest, if I went through the court to get his child support money (and really, all I want is the emotional support, oh, and half of my rent if you want to live here, not to mention the money you already owe me) I would get at least $400 a month. It's looking better and better. But I know that he is getting there, he is so close to his bottom, you can tell looking at him.
What I DON'T need is him stressing me out. I DON'T need him passing out in my bed, so I have no room to sleep in it. I DON'T need to worry about what loser friends he has my kids around when I am at work, the few times I do let him watch them, and that is because daycare is closed or whatever, because if I have another option, I take it every time. I DON'T need him here running up my electric bill and telling me it's my problem when I yell at him for leaving all the lights on. This goes on and on. He thinks that he is the best thing since sliced bread or something, but I already know, I am better off without him. And I have given up. I haven't cried over him in months, because I just don't care. I barely even get mad anymore. I just don't care.
What I am saying is, get straight or get out. If he wants his mama, he needs to go back to Nebraska where he came from and find her.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
You guys are right on the money. He thinks that he's hurting me by leaving, but I really don't care, which thinks makes him even angrier.
Tonight made me mad though, because I was stressed out. But really, he wouldn't have helped if he was here.
Tonight made me mad though, because I was stressed out. But really, he wouldn't have helped if he was here.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, if he is the father of the children and not providing support I would hire an attorney and petition the court to place an order of support into effect. There is no excuse for not providing for his children...and...in the future it will become even more important to have a court order in place.
As for not helping with the other bills, what exactly do you need him for? IMHO he is nothing but a boat anchor.
I don't get it.
As for not helping with the other bills, what exactly do you need him for? IMHO he is nothing but a boat anchor.
I don't get it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If you don't want to be his mother anymore, then stop doing it. Stop everything. Don't wash his clothing, don't make sure he is fed or washed or anything, and don't expect him to contribute, because he obviously won't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Well inpieces314 I can say you are describing my xah minus the mean part. He wasn't really mean when he drank.
While there were some highs and lows (usually stepped up his game when I was pregnant) this never ever changed with my xah. Never. I waited and waited and waited (and we had countless reasonable discussions, agreements, systems, plans, etc.) and nothing changed. I don't even think this is really about the drinking because my xah is apparently sober for a little over a year now (he doesn't live here so I just go by what he says) and this part has still not changed. What can I do to take care of him. Still asking. He is still looking for a way to get someone else to take care of him.
It is absolutely a horrid and miserable dynamic for a relationship and we both built up enough resentment and anger to drown out any speck of love and respect - at least on my end. This post of yours describes what brought me to the bottom, more then anything, more then the drinking. The drinking just had to get bad enough to visibly be a detriment to my kids before I would admit the destruction of the other. The rage, bitterness, and resentment nearly consumed me and I was not the person I wanted to be. I was unhappy, depressed, controlling, exhausted, on the edge, and out of control.
That part of me slowly went away when I cut that terribly destructive dynamic out of my life. I shudder to think what I would be like had I not made that decision and I'm filled with regret that I did not make it sooner. Those last few years had some happiness and I had babies that brought me much love and joy but it was also a spiral down for both my xah and I. His drinking and just general progression of alcoholism and all the personality changes that brings (more emotionally manipulative and self-centered etc) and for myself as well. I was not the mom I wanted to be and I was so unhappy and felt so trapped (but I had turned the lock and I had the key). It was a very dark time.
My advice would be to work on your recovery with all your heart. He is likely never going to change. You have to change either your coping mechanisms or your situation but you have to take responsibility for this part of your life because, IME, if you remain in the spot you are in you will only get sucked down into very murky waters.
While there were some highs and lows (usually stepped up his game when I was pregnant) this never ever changed with my xah. Never. I waited and waited and waited (and we had countless reasonable discussions, agreements, systems, plans, etc.) and nothing changed. I don't even think this is really about the drinking because my xah is apparently sober for a little over a year now (he doesn't live here so I just go by what he says) and this part has still not changed. What can I do to take care of him. Still asking. He is still looking for a way to get someone else to take care of him.
It is absolutely a horrid and miserable dynamic for a relationship and we both built up enough resentment and anger to drown out any speck of love and respect - at least on my end. This post of yours describes what brought me to the bottom, more then anything, more then the drinking. The drinking just had to get bad enough to visibly be a detriment to my kids before I would admit the destruction of the other. The rage, bitterness, and resentment nearly consumed me and I was not the person I wanted to be. I was unhappy, depressed, controlling, exhausted, on the edge, and out of control.
That part of me slowly went away when I cut that terribly destructive dynamic out of my life. I shudder to think what I would be like had I not made that decision and I'm filled with regret that I did not make it sooner. Those last few years had some happiness and I had babies that brought me much love and joy but it was also a spiral down for both my xah and I. His drinking and just general progression of alcoholism and all the personality changes that brings (more emotionally manipulative and self-centered etc) and for myself as well. I was not the mom I wanted to be and I was so unhappy and felt so trapped (but I had turned the lock and I had the key). It was a very dark time.
My advice would be to work on your recovery with all your heart. He is likely never going to change. You have to change either your coping mechanisms or your situation but you have to take responsibility for this part of your life because, IME, if you remain in the spot you are in you will only get sucked down into very murky waters.
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