Starting to falter...need support!
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 52
Starting to falter...need support!
So I am currently in the middle of divorcing my stbxah, i filed in sept and our 90 days was up in dec... court date isn't until mid august and so I am stuck with living with him til then. I partly refuse to move out of the home that we have together, partly because I was the one whom made it a home and the other larger part is that my wedding cake business is part of it also (built a shop on to it 2 years ago) and with the wedding season staring me in the face I just can' walk away from it, even as much as I would want to..
So of course he don't want to make this divorce civil and do any agreeing between us so everything is more then likely going to go to court..(my friends keep telling me he is in denial of the divorce) we haven't even told our kids yet. I told him last night that we should tell them tonight cause he has gone and looked at a house and so now it is pretty well known in the communitty that we are splitting and I so don't want the kids to find out from a classmate. He got upset and then said we should wait til the weekend to tell them, I was slighlty frustrated with that but agreed. In the mean time he of course had to go on to say "well your calling all the shots" "your making the rules up", well all I could keep telling myself, well if I don't do anything then we just sit and do nothing, AAAGGHHH...!!!
Then of course he had to throw it in my face that one night while out I was questioned by "his mothers friend" in front of another gal about me and Jeff and if we were still splitting...I wasn't going to deny it and hide it, it is what it is. So he must of overheard us talking or whatever (and low and behold both of these gals happened to be divorced from ex alcholics themselves) I never said anything bad about my husband, I just basically said I had enough and politely asked them not to really say anything to any one cause our children did not know. Of course stbxah didn't hear that part of the conversation. He then went on how I wouldn't let him fix things around the house when he said he would do them... Oh the stories I could go on about him trying to fix things or say he would and wouldn't or start and never finish or do them and totally screw it up. So I just gave up and would either do it myself or hire it done.
and his porn addiction, yep my fault too, I guess when you don't live up to what they want in a sex partner that gives them reason to wander through porn, sex websites and chat rooms. I guess nights I refused to sleep with him cause of being tired, or preggo or disgusted from the drinking (and just to fill in, I can't ever recall not sleeping with him for a long period of time, or in likely purposely holding out) it really hasn't been until this past 2 years since his last DUI.
I am so hurt right now, I don't know what to do, I am so scared everyone will hate me, or blame me. It's like all the crap I've lived with, done for the kids, for him and etc... all mean nothing. That he will turn it all around to everyone and make him look like the good guy and that I was in the wrong, I was the bad wife. It really just wants me to give up. Really seriously give up. Happiness and sanity just seem like having it is as real as winning the big lotto. Never ever going to happen.
How do I get past this and still try to maintain a front with the kids, all I want to do is scream and yell and I still know that won't help.
So of course he don't want to make this divorce civil and do any agreeing between us so everything is more then likely going to go to court..(my friends keep telling me he is in denial of the divorce) we haven't even told our kids yet. I told him last night that we should tell them tonight cause he has gone and looked at a house and so now it is pretty well known in the communitty that we are splitting and I so don't want the kids to find out from a classmate. He got upset and then said we should wait til the weekend to tell them, I was slighlty frustrated with that but agreed. In the mean time he of course had to go on to say "well your calling all the shots" "your making the rules up", well all I could keep telling myself, well if I don't do anything then we just sit and do nothing, AAAGGHHH...!!!
Then of course he had to throw it in my face that one night while out I was questioned by "his mothers friend" in front of another gal about me and Jeff and if we were still splitting...I wasn't going to deny it and hide it, it is what it is. So he must of overheard us talking or whatever (and low and behold both of these gals happened to be divorced from ex alcholics themselves) I never said anything bad about my husband, I just basically said I had enough and politely asked them not to really say anything to any one cause our children did not know. Of course stbxah didn't hear that part of the conversation. He then went on how I wouldn't let him fix things around the house when he said he would do them... Oh the stories I could go on about him trying to fix things or say he would and wouldn't or start and never finish or do them and totally screw it up. So I just gave up and would either do it myself or hire it done.
and his porn addiction, yep my fault too, I guess when you don't live up to what they want in a sex partner that gives them reason to wander through porn, sex websites and chat rooms. I guess nights I refused to sleep with him cause of being tired, or preggo or disgusted from the drinking (and just to fill in, I can't ever recall not sleeping with him for a long period of time, or in likely purposely holding out) it really hasn't been until this past 2 years since his last DUI.
I am so hurt right now, I don't know what to do, I am so scared everyone will hate me, or blame me. It's like all the crap I've lived with, done for the kids, for him and etc... all mean nothing. That he will turn it all around to everyone and make him look like the good guy and that I was in the wrong, I was the bad wife. It really just wants me to give up. Really seriously give up. Happiness and sanity just seem like having it is as real as winning the big lotto. Never ever going to happen.
How do I get past this and still try to maintain a front with the kids, all I want to do is scream and yell and I still know that won't help.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I am so sorry you are being so abused by an alcoholic husband. Alcoholics can be terrible tyrants, ordering the wife around, demeaning her, threatening her. Alcoholism can make a man very high and mighty and he expects the world to cater to him, most especially his wife. Even if they are about to divorce.
It's exhausting and deflating to try to stand up to this alone. Have you considered getting counseling? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Because most people just can't take living with an alcoholic without feeling completely defeated and worthless. The alcoholic always blame-shifts, nothing is ever his fault. It is very painful to be the target of his continual resentments and criticism.
Please consider getting some professional help for yourself, maybe with your health insurance. Your children need a healthy parent, and the AH will continue to be destructive as long as he is drinking, which may be for the rest of his life. So you--the mother--need to be emotionally and mentally healthy, for yourself and for your children. To get healthy you will need help.
And about telling your children: you and your AH are not a united husband and wife in a divorce process, working together to protect the children. He is a drunk and there is no reasonable uniting together to deal with anything, including talks with the children. Your AH is unpredictable and potentially explosive and most certainly manipulative and completely "poor-me". If I wanted to have a mature, compassionate, difficult and painful conversation with my children, I would not invite an alcoholic, who is filled with resentment and is probably drunk, into the room. I would face the reality that he is incapable of considering the highest good of the children and totally capable of taking control of the conversation and creating chaos instead of reassurance. But I am not a counselor. This is only my opinion and I don't know if it's correct.
You and your AH are not a team. You are not normal people getting a divorce who sit down with their children to have an emotional and painful discussion. Your husband's alcoholism overwhelms any possibility of maturity and normalcy in his marriage and in his parenting.
Your local library will have books about divorce with advice on how to help children cope with it. If you have time, maybe you can pick one up. Get your head clear about how to handle talking with them. But in the longer view, you really do need some counseling for the painful months ahead for everyone. Follow the advice of people with experience, otherwise you will be flying blind and we really must not do that when dealing with alcoholism in our lives. Your AH will always be your children's father, even after the divorce.
It's exhausting and deflating to try to stand up to this alone. Have you considered getting counseling? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Because most people just can't take living with an alcoholic without feeling completely defeated and worthless. The alcoholic always blame-shifts, nothing is ever his fault. It is very painful to be the target of his continual resentments and criticism.
Please consider getting some professional help for yourself, maybe with your health insurance. Your children need a healthy parent, and the AH will continue to be destructive as long as he is drinking, which may be for the rest of his life. So you--the mother--need to be emotionally and mentally healthy, for yourself and for your children. To get healthy you will need help.
And about telling your children: you and your AH are not a united husband and wife in a divorce process, working together to protect the children. He is a drunk and there is no reasonable uniting together to deal with anything, including talks with the children. Your AH is unpredictable and potentially explosive and most certainly manipulative and completely "poor-me". If I wanted to have a mature, compassionate, difficult and painful conversation with my children, I would not invite an alcoholic, who is filled with resentment and is probably drunk, into the room. I would face the reality that he is incapable of considering the highest good of the children and totally capable of taking control of the conversation and creating chaos instead of reassurance. But I am not a counselor. This is only my opinion and I don't know if it's correct.
You and your AH are not a team. You are not normal people getting a divorce who sit down with their children to have an emotional and painful discussion. Your husband's alcoholism overwhelms any possibility of maturity and normalcy in his marriage and in his parenting.
Your local library will have books about divorce with advice on how to help children cope with it. If you have time, maybe you can pick one up. Get your head clear about how to handle talking with them. But in the longer view, you really do need some counseling for the painful months ahead for everyone. Follow the advice of people with experience, otherwise you will be flying blind and we really must not do that when dealing with alcoholism in our lives. Your AH will always be your children's father, even after the divorce.
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