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omg...emotionally exhausted, no idea what to do

Old 04-11-2012, 10:01 PM
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omg...emotionally exhausted, no idea what to do

My husband lost his job last August and started drinking pretty much 24/7. Frankly I'm surprised he hasn't died from alcohol poisoning. After 4 months of this, I had him committed. He was/is a danger to himself. He has diabetes, hypertension, and only didn't drink when he was sleeping. I filled out the paperwork and started the process. When I went home and told him what I'd done, and that he would be picked up by the police, handcuffed, and taken to the hospital, he decided to go in on his own.

He completed the two weeks, came home, went to meetings for about two weeks, stayed sober for another 30 days or so, then a relapse. I didn't say anything, he was sober another 3 weeks, now it's back to where he was originally.

I can't do this again, I hate the drunken loudness and just being annoying. Not to mention I can't watch what he's doing to himself.

I made up my mind to leave, I rented a house, right now i am trying to move. I started packing yesterday, of course I come across old photos, momentos, etc. I have been crying my eyes out ever since. The more I cry, the more exhausted I find myself, and I get nothing done. I've gotten two boxes packed in two days. I don't know how I can go through this. I still love him immensely and I'm afraid of coming to the house and finding him dead. If I thought this would lead him to rock bottom it would be so much easier.

See, he will never hit rock bottom financially because his mom will never cut him off. She received a six figure inheritance, my husband has an atm card to her account. She has issues about being needed and also knows that if she didn't give him money, he wouldn't answer her phone calls; she is not a pleasant person. She won't listen to reason, I've sent her Alanon literature, nothing. She's going to give him money even if it kills him. In all his months of unemployment, I haven't bought a single drop of his booze.

No, I'm pretty sure his rock bottom will be death. He's 36, we have 3 kids.

I was active in Alanon for almost a year, but I stopped going because the majority of Alanon wives in my small town also have sober husbands in AA, and I'm jealous. That's what I want more than anything

I just wonder if I should have him committed again, but this time let them handcuff him and take him to the state hospital. Not that I think it would get him sober, but at least I could say I tried everything before I walk out and let him die.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:31 PM
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My answer would be No, to having him committed. What good did it do before?

Like I was once told, he is a grown man. He can take care of himself. Or let his mother do it..

You Love him? .......What do you love? The drunk he is today, or the memories of what you once married and the drunken loudness and just being annoying.
Let me guess, he treats you like a queen, sex is great and the kids are happy?
Rethink, what love is.....or what you really have today......

For me, the memories are like dealing with death.
I believe it's normal to grieve the death of our loved ones.

Diggtydamn, I have had the same issues as you. The "love"
part...But I work it everyday.
Love would not hurt, Love would not be selfish, Love would not make me cry, Love would help support the family, Love would be kind, Love would not choose a drink over it's family.....

....TAKE the word "LOVE" out of those lines and "ADD" your husband's name to it.......Example: My husband would not hurt me, My husband would not be selfish...etc....or would he?? or is this just something we DREAM of having?
You get what Im saying??

Sounds like it's time for you to stop doing what your doing, cuz it doesnt sound like
its working very well.....Maybe, you should try moving out, setting your boundries with him, cutting off all communication from him and his mother and start working on you and the kids...Dont you deserve some happiness?? There is happiness out here, trust me, without babysitting and trying to fix an alcoholic.......Happiness is not all about having
a man or a drunk husband..But seeing your kids smile and seeing them smile, because MOM is happy and not all stressed out...You can replace a husband anyday of the week, but you can never replace your kids......Dont miss the boat!!! Your missing out
on so much more in life........

Throw him up in the sky, like a bird. Let him fly or let him fall.........

Time for you to get your childrens nest turned into a happy home!!

Let him and his mother figure out what they need. You need to take care of you!
Because no one else can do it for you.....Just like no one else can take care of him...

MUCH LOVE!!!!!! - I feel your pain, I really do....Just stay on the YOU track!!!
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:40 PM
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Oh my goodness, what a terrible nightmare.

Your children are being deeply affected by being exposed to someone they love, and their dad, basically committing suicide slowly, in front of them. You must do whatever it takes to keep them safe, both physically and mentally/emotionally. Let your inner Mama Bear take charge for a bit. You and the kids need to live apart from your husband for now, let him be committed, but do whatever it takes, NOW, to get those kids away from him.

It's the horrid reality of alcohol, that someone we love and have fond memories with should turn into someone who loves alcohol over all else. Pack your boxes, get friends to help out, and move. Who knows, maybe he will be one of those who turn around, but for now stand clear while he capsizes.

I send you big hugs. Hang in there, Mama Bear!
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:13 PM
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You don't have control over his drinking.
You do have control over what you let your emotions do to you.

You know you've made the right decision. You just need to execute it. So buck up, don't look at the contents, box up your stuff and get moving.

Two years after I left my AXH, two of my children have recovered significantly enough that therapy is useful. It took two years to get to that point.

You have an absolute right to get yourself and your children out of the dysfunctional situation you are living in. Your husband is an adult. He can, and should, make his own choices.

And don't stay and think maybe he'll drink himself to death. That can take decades. And you have a life to live and children who need you.
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Old 04-12-2012, 06:18 PM
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I would leave with the children, as you are doing, and place him in the hands of his Higher Power, accepting that you have no control over your husband's destiny.

He is beyond blessed to have the money to actually stay in rehab for 90, 180, 365 days, whatever he wanted, if he wants that. He is not in a gutter. He has a lot of money and if he makes a turn, if he has that moment of surrender and wants help, he has the means to get the very best help available.

The image of you crying and packing is so moving.....so many of us here have lived that and we wondered if we would ever be happy again, how could we ever be happy again.

Do the right thing for your family, and allow the rest to unfold according the God's will. This is the 3rd of the 12 Steps. "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God." The first 3 steps, if you concentrate on those, will bring you the peace you seek.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

Many blessings to you in your sorrow, and many good hopes for your recovery.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:28 PM
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He may not have hit his rock bottom, but you have hit yours. Move. Leave him in his own mess. Your kids need to see a healthy. strong parent who can make decisions. Don't continue the tragedy of alcohol into their lives.
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:33 PM
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This must be so incredibly hard for you. I don't have the answers but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am going through many of the same things. To get to this point you have shown strength and courage. Your children are lucky to have a mom like you to help lead them out of this mess and towards a happier and healthier life.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:48 PM
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I have decided to wait until school is out. I work 7 pm to 7 am, my two youngest are 12 & 13, I need him right now to get them off to school in the mornings. I don't have friends or family to help. My oldest is 17 and out of school, and I can't depend on him to get them up and out the door while I'm working.

He is not abusive, it's not even like we fight when he's drunk. That just makes the situation harder.

My #1 issue with his drinking is the damage it's doing to his health, the fact that he acknowledges this yet does nothing to change it. I watched my mother kill herself with cigarettes, I can't do it again. I just don't understand why someone would want to hang on to something that is destoying them and not at least try to make positive changes. I get so angry when he's been puking blood and still wants to drink.

In response to the comment about him supporting the family, he did for 13 years. He worked and I took care of the kids, and later went to school. I have my degree now and am earning 3 times what he used to make. I would gladly give him the same opportunity he gave me but he's wasting it. He does at least do housework and get the kids off to school every morning.
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Old 04-17-2012, 03:29 PM
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Angrywife,

I have not posted in a while as I am going through the same mess with my ABF. We have a two year old son who now knows his dad drinks beer. Very sad situation and not one I would have ever wanted for myself or my son in a million years. I understand the desperation to want to get out but not being able to .. for whatever reason.

My reason for staying is purely financial. I simply cannot afford childcare and my own apartment. I live in Southern California, and it is NOT cheap to live here. I am going back to school to get my accounting degree so that I can earn enough to leave him. If he were to get help and change, I would probably try to work it out in counseling and work on our relationship. But, you can't work on a relationship with an active alcoholic. It just doesn't work. I will only be in this relationship as long as I have to to be able to get out on my own. I cannot count on him for financial help (ie child support) because he is completely irresponsible and most of his money goes to drinking. Extra money I should say because I do make him pay half of the rent, childcare, bills, etc. There are times when I have to buy all the food because his extra money isn't enough to support his food habit (and his sons) over his alcohol habit.

I know it's tough. I have learned one thing in dealing with this beast called alcoholism and that is that nobody can tell you how to live, how long to stay, etc. You are living your life, and you will know when it is time. I have heard we all reach our breaking point, and I believe that is true. Apparently, I have not absolutely reached mine, but I can say I am walking closer in that direction.

I haven't been around here much because working full time, caring for a toddler, and going to school full time is pretty much all I can handle at this point. But I have been lurking from time to time, because I find so much strength here in F&F. These stories, OUR stories, are so similar and familiar that there is comfort in knowing we are not alone.

I have no doubt that each of us will make it out in our own due time. I KNOW what a real relationship is like because I have been in one. That is another story, but I also know that living with someone who loves and LIVES for drinking every day is not love. It isn't love to me, to him or to our child. Love is reciprocal, it doesn't drain and kill another human being who waits in the wings hoping and praying for a different outcome. Only we can choose our outcomes, for us and our children. You will find your way, of that, I am certain.

Peace & Love
CS
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