Lilmssunshine

I have been attempting to detach from "Him". I texted him letting him know Saturday that I have things to work on in my life and he needs to figure out things in his life. That I need space. I didnt threaten him saying choose drinking or me! Or even mention a drinking issues. We were never "together" We have been friends since October and have been having a FWB relationship since January. But he hasnt wanted a title or call it friends with benefits because he wants to call it friends "taking it slow". We both have feelings for each other. But somewhere between a possible sex addiction on both of our ends and alcohol abuse. Ive been guilty of black outs with him not proud. Came confusion, hurt, and pain. Lately ive been going to a counselor who happens to be an experienced addiction counselor as well. She has been informing me that I will become an alcoholic if I continue on the path I was on because of family history. Which is another reason for me not to be around another alcohol abuser. All the addictions mixed together and underlying issues has just become this huuuge mess!!!! Am I just HIS addiction when it comes to sex? Is he mine?? Do either of us REALLY have feelings for each other? I have been doing really good at detaching, meditation, yoga, walking etc. And havent spoken to him since Saturday. Today I feel incredibly vulnerable since my counseling session. And of all days that I feel the most vulnerable he calls to say "Hey" I was studying when he called so I had to quickly get off the phone. But then I called him back after to say hey back. We talked for a brief moment and I quickly tried getting off. He said "Well thanks for the short talk" He wants to talk but I dont know. I dont know what he wants from me. I dont even think he knows. Im too shut down and scared to even communicate all of my real feelings to him. My Mom is incredibly emotionally abusive and since we've moved in together I regularly have to shut down to deal with her. So I shut down really easy around other people. Do I tell him I dont want to be around him when he's drinking? Or do I just push him out my life completely? I dont know what to do I miss him. But I want a healthy lifestyle. Help!

P.S. He quit smoking when I told him I didnt like it. And has listened and has made active changes in other areas if I needed him to. He says he "Follows my rules" but alcohol scares me because im aware that its way bigger than I.

dollydo

Why not just move on from him? I am sure that you can find a new friend. Honestly, this new deal of FWB does not make sense to me, what's the point?

suki44883

If you want space, you are going to have to take it. Block his number and go no contact. He isn't going to just leave you alone. He sees you getting away and will pull out all the stops and make all kinds of promises. Take some time away from him to clear your head and figure out what you really want.

Lilmssunshine

FWB hahaha dont let him know were using that term! He would interupt, "Friends taking it slow!" lmao. He claims its funner doing it with someone you care about and vice versa. FWB to him is too cold. But still whatever we are IS confusing. Should I communicate clearly instead of how ive vaguely stated my opinion about the alcoholism before moving on? Perhaps give him a chance? I have other male friends but hes the one I always think about, who has really been there for me during tough times, cracks me up and the perspectives, advice and sweet things touch my heart more than any man in my life. I like him just not the alcohol or the drama

suki44883

You don't have to make a forever decision right now. Give yourself some time away from him. If he straightens himself out and stays that way for a good long while, you can consider possibly seeing how things go again. There's no rush. Take this time now, so you aren't sorry later.

itsmylifenow

Okay, take a moment to ask yourself what kind of life it is you want to live.

If you want to be healthy and well then you need to surround yourself with people and tools that will allow you to do that.

You need time for yourself in order to get past your addictions and issues. To do that, you need to step away from others who enable you and who you are enabling.

To do that is YOUR choice. YOUR decision. And, it is YOUR life. What is you want? Would you love to get married someday? Have kids? Have a career? Those things are going to be much harder for you to obtain if you have addiction problems.

You sound like a smart girl who has a desire to get better and create a better life for yourself. YOU are the only one who can do that. And, it starts by removing from your life those people that aren't healthy for you, even if it hurts for a little while.

LoveAllGone

I agree with itmylifenow...it all comes down to what you really want and you have to learn to voice those wants and needs and to only allow the people and things that meet that criteria into your life.

You will never have the healthly life that you seek if you surround yourself with the unhealthly. Whatever title it is now doesn't seem like something "too" serious and if you are having doubts now...stick with your gut feelings. One major "codie" problem is the ability to say NO!!! and many of us have also have a problem with putting "ourselves" first because we think its selfish. It's not selfish, it's learning that our wants and needs are important too! Not just everybody else.

I wish you the best and take care of yourself first and foremost!

lillamy

Something someone said to me when my son was one came to my mind when I read your post.

"It will never be easier to leave your AH than it is right now. Every moment you stay will make leaving more difficult."

It took me another 18 years or so to leave. And that person was right. The longer you stay, the more entangled you get, the harder it is to leave.

Forget him. Focus on you.

And not to be crude but when someone says "let's be friends and take it slow" what they mean is "I want to have sex without any commitments or promises" or "I want to have sex with you but I'm ashamed of being seen with you in public" or "I'm really looking for something better but you'll do for now."

SoaringSpirits

This!

You deserve better. Move on from this guy.

Lilmssunshine

"I want to have sex with you but im ashamed of being seen with you in public". Oh My!!! I feel the need to defend this. We have gone to several movies, out to eat, he has brought me over to his coworkers/friends bbq, coworkers/friends super bowl party. And proudly introduced me, proudly stated my accomplishments, and other things he likes. I have to admit we both have issues but him being ashamed of me in public is NOT one of them. Not too mention he got me a thoughtful vday gift. Commitment issues..I can see that part. But public shame was a bit harsh. I completely agree with if I entangle myself in the mess it WILL be harder to get out. Im making the decision to takeall the time I need to get counseling, and work on myself. While giving him space to work on his issues.

NYCDoglvr

Texting someone is not detaching. The only way to detach from someone is to cut off all ties.

Tuffgirl

If I could take every man I have ever cared about, remove the crap I didn't like, keep the good stuff, blend it all into one person, I'd have the perfect man for me!

But alas, that isn't reality. This person that you like also has some things about him that you don't like. Which outweighs which?

Secondly, not to sound harsh toward your decisions, but you are giving the milk away for free. Why? In my world, "friends" don't have sex with each other. That complicates everything and usually one person ends up wanting more of a commitment than the other which is why they are participating in the first place.

Lilmssunshine

This makes everything way easier to swallow.