What is reasonable?
 

So my bf and I are working on things from afar (I moved out) and he is getting health insurance from his new job starting 2 weeks from now. He cannot quit his job to go to an inpatient rehab. He has a large amount of child support to pay each week, and this is the first consistent job he has had in 2 years (he is in construction and it was hit very hard). My question is this...what is the amount of treatment he should be getting without going inpatient? He is high functioning, no drinking during work and can sometimes go days without drinking at all so I am not worried about scary physical symptoms at this time. I am asking more for me than for him. I have never been in this position before and I don't know what I should be accepting/not accepting. In other words is it feasible for someone to change their thinking patterns/addictive behaviors with only going to therapy once a week (which is what he is saying he will do) or should there be more? I am not planning on moving back in with him until I see significant change, not only with his drinking but with his attitude and treatment of me sober or not.

I don't think there is a set "amount of treatment" that will get him sober. It all depends on how bad he wants it. There are many people who have used nothing but AA to get sober. For that matter, there are many who have gotten sober without any formal "treatment" to speak of.

Instead of keeping tabs on how much treatment he is getting, I would suggest you watch his actions. If he truly wants to get sober, he will, and it will be apparent.

L

Significant change can mean different things to different people. The test for me is consistent observable change that happens over a period of time.

I suppose how much time and what one considers to be consistent is for the individual to decide.

In my family there were times when trust in some areas was established and in other areas were not. Just being sober in my book isn't the solution- I measure my response by actions of the other person.

He started a new job 2 weeks ago...after one month (2 weeks from now) he gets health insurance.

(((Krys))) - the one thing I've learned, whether it be an A or a hormonal pregnant teenager (my niece) is that actions speak louder than words.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Thanks guys. Like I said, I don't really know what I should be expecting so I thought I would check. I am not involved in it at all, I am leaving it all up to him, I was just wondering what other people have done when it comes to getting sober. He never got treatment before, I guess even though he has been sober before, I didn't really know the real him. He was always white knuckling it and struggling in some way...I just didn't recognize it right away.

I'm not clear on this... does HE want treatment? Does HE want to be sober? Or are you trying to figure out what your 'demands' are going to be in order to continue the relationship?

I would spin it and think about what you want. What you need. What is acceptable? What is a deal breaker? What are your boundaries?

The answers to those questions are very important. Those answers (figuring them out and then honoring them) will help you way more then just monitoring him. People can jump through all the hoops we set out - and still not meet our criteria for a good match in a partner. It took a lot of work for me to even give myself permission to have criteria and then more work to figure out what I needed. I could not articulate them at all.

You can make yourself crazy figuring out what he needs or should be doing. It is hard enough figuring out what you need - but at least it is possible :)

I got sober 20+ years ago by going to AA. Lots of people skip rehab.