RUKIDDINGME

Hi! My son is an alcohalic. He is 21(almost 22) and does not think he has a problem. when he isn't drinking, sometimes a couple months at a time, he is just great. The best son anyone could have. But when he is drinking, he is mean, dishonest, hurtful and expects everyone to do he bidding.

He lives in a town just south of my husband and I and we are always running down there to pick him up for the weekends, court appts, counseling, you name it. This is , of course, due to the fact that he has had 2 dui's and had no licsence.

He is now in nasty Mr. Hyde mode--and has told us that he doesn't give a sh*t about our feelings.

My question is-do I continue to take him to court and counceling appts. If he is willing to go, I feel I should Keep doing whatever it takes to keep him going in the right direction?

I love my son and this just hurts so......much!!

thx

PurpleWilder

It is so hard to be objective, especially when it is someone we gave birth to and raised. We don't just see them as they are now, but in a parade of memories from birth to the present. That makes it so much more difficult to make tough decisions.

However, IMHO, your son is over 18 and therefore an adult. Are you driving him to liquor stores and bars to get drunk? I am guessing not - he is finding rides to those places. That being the case, he can find a ride to his appointments as well. And you certainly shouldn't be expected to host him on weekends - he is old enough to entertain himself. I am quite sure he takes advantage of the 2 days of free food, shelter and maid service while he is there.

How far would you go for anyone who was whiney, ungrateful, full of entitlement, dishonest and mean, irregardless of whether or not drinking had anything to do with it? Would you put up with that in a friend? Probably not.

He has already made it clear to you that he doesn't care how you feel about things, so long as he gets what he wants. Perhaps it is time for him to learn the consequences of his actions and attitude.

But all that being said, this is a decision only you can make. Only you know what is right for your situation.

RUKIDDINGME

Thanks PurpleSquirrel for the reply. I know what you say is true, but, it just hurts so much and as a mother I feel like I am abandoning him. I even kicked him out of the house last fall. he lived in his truck and slept in it all night long, every night until he found a job and moved to another city(about 15mi away).

All of his appts are in the city I live and I am doubting that he'll find any consistent rides up here and then he'll spiral out of control, lose his job and Lord knows what else. Just sitting back and watching this happen is the hardest thing to do.

I pray that I have strength to resist helping

thanks again

cfm

Iv'e worked w/100's of drunks and there no easy answeres, but I do know this:
The discisions you make are not as important as YOUR ability to live w/the consequnces of the discision. ........."Do I give him the 100 bucks he wants knowing he'll drink it, or do I say no, knowing maybe he'll steal it and then get in more trouble????...............
You see??? Both answers are bad. your ability to live at peace(I know, very hard) with the outcome is what is really important.. I am not a victim of the disease of alcoholism. I was the perpetrator. My ex-wife, children, parents, and bosses, THEY were the victims.
your son is emancipated. If he wants to throw his life away that his biz, but he does not have the right to take you down w/him. Personally (and this is just personally) I'd let him crash. Because he's going to someday anyway.

m1k3

((((hugs))))

He is an adult. Give him the dignity to live his own life, find his own solutions and deal with the consequences of his choices. I know as the parent of 2 adult daughters one of the hardest things to do is to let them fall and learn their own lessons, but as parents, if we don't we are depriving them the experience of figuring it out for themselves.

As it stands now he has no reason to stop drinking because there are no consequences to his actions.

Are you going to Al-Anon? If not I highly recommend it. It has given me the tools I need to put my life on track after dealing with the insanity of living with a alcoholic wife. Try several different meetings as they each have their own flavor and some will fit you much better than others.

Your friend,

angrywife

My AH has had 3 DWI'S and his mother has paid for all of them. This is why he's got 3. Why stop if no consequences? That being said I have 3 boys so I know how hard it is not to help a child in need.

Pigtails

I have read and heard (I am a recovering alcoholic) that an alcoholic needs to hit their own personal bottom in order to be miserable enough with how things are to get up enough desire to change things. Therefore when people step in and "help" the alcoholic, they are allowing the alcoholic to continue to drink and enabling the alcoholic to get out of his scrapes without having to deal with the consequences that could perhaps wake him up. Of course the sad part about this is that some alcoholics never hit their own personal bottom, and/or their own personal bottom is death or serious consequences that can never truely be fixed. So I do understand a mother's desire to stop that from happening but the sad truth is there is nothing you can do... the disease has to run its course and your son has to decide to get better on his own, or not at all.

RUKIDDINGME

Thanks all for the support. m1k3 "give him the dignity to live his own life"--that helpes me alot-I'll keep that little note in my head for a long time.

I have tried Alnon only once and never went back. I know I should start and I guess now is as good a time as any!!

I just hope my son has the strength to beat this--I think he does deep down. He went through marine corps basic and was at camp lejuene for a year before an other than honorable discharge for his alcohol abuse.

m1k3

I too am a Marine (1971-74) and I know how hard it is to get kicked out for drinking. The Marines will do their best to give you a chance to clean your act up.

He isn't ready to quit yet. Not much you can do about it. I'm sorry it has to be this way.

Your friend,

sojourner

Active addiction consists of a cycle. Part of that cycle is a period of not using. But it is still active addiction. So when you say you are helping him in the dry periods, you are still helping (enabling) an active addict.

So if you decide to not help him with anything (for instance, not taking him to his court appointments), then it would be best to stop that through the entire cycle. Otherwise, to your addict son you are vascillating and confusing which no one benefits from.

Keep coming back. There is a lot to learn about the effect of chemicals on the brain and the behaviors that stem from that.

RUKIDDINGME

Well, this morning, I told my H how I feel about not enabling our AS anymore. He basicly thinks I'm off my rocker and that I am leaving AS in the lurch. Now it looks like I will have to battle not only my own emotions but AS and my hubby. Not looking forward to this at all! My H is very strong minded and thinks he doesn't need help from anyone on this subject or any other for that matter.

Please send me some good vibes because I am a battle on many fronts!!

PS Today is the day AS usually calls and asks us to pick him up for the weekend!!

cfm

Please re-read my last post to you. If you can, get your hands on (public library) a book called Alcoholics Anonymous. Read pg 24 & 60 These pages will tell you that this young man is beyond human aid. That means no mother, no father, no court, no judge, no counseler,no nutbag shrink can help him.........HE must want to get sober. HE not YOU
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET SOBER WITH ALL HIS HEART, HE WILL NOT GET SOBER. What you do or don't do does not matter. The single most important thing you can do my dear, is pray................................UNCEASINGLY

Florence

As the wife of an addict, this is the battle I fight with my in-laws. They think they can LOVE their children straight, and my husband and his sister (anymore, just his adult sister) would suck their parents dry of all money, time, food, and resources if the parents would let them. While the parents recognize the issues, they can't BEAR to see little Bobby and Sally* go without anything they might need, allowing Sally (and Bobby, back when Bobby was drinking) to spend all their paycheck money on bars, booze, and entertainment while Mom and Dad paid their car note, the light bill, the insurance, etc. All Bobby and Sally needed was the right set of evolving excuses to keep stringing Mom and Dad along.

You'll see it here time and time again -- if love cured addiction, none of us would be where we are. Anyway, after awhile in the recovery community, the distinct patterns between love, enabling, and controlling/codependent behavior begin to appear. They're really not the same thing at all.

* Not their real names, obviously.

m1k3

If your husband wants to support him that's his choice. You don't have to make an issue of it simply say that you are no longer going to be his driver and then drop it. If he wants to drive him, let him. Don't say anything about it as that isn't your decision to make either. Your husband is still on the merry go round and you are getting off. You just see things differently. I have found that what is best for me is to take care of myself and let others do the same for themselves.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html

Your friend,

Portia123

Sending hugs and good luck your way. I agree with Mik and Pigtails (and all other posts - those 2 stuck out to me). Try 6 Al-Anon meetings, I know it's hard at first, but I kept going back, been there 2-1/2 years and have come to believe it is my lifeline to sanity. Stop enabling your AS yourself and learn how to take care of yourself. You may need to detach from your H when he's enabling, set your own boundaries and stick to them. Really, try Al-Anon, it's the cheapest and best therapy you can get. Many people in my group are dealing with their children's addictions, you'll find support and encouragement there. Good luck to you and be well.....

m1k3

OT but a little humor doesn't hurt.

RUKIDDINGME, when I first looked at your user name I didn't see " are you kidding me", I saw Rukid DingMe. I thought what the heck kind of user name is that.



Your friend,

RUKIDDINGME

Got home for lunch and there was AS sitting in the livingroom. He had ridden his bike the 15 miles to get home.

And what do you think I said to him---NOTHING--talk about fear and anxiety getting the better of you.

I am hopeless!!!