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Old 04-11-2012, 09:48 AM
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this sucks

The parents of both my D's best friends have now confirmed what I was worried about.

They are not comfortable with their girls coming to my house to play with my girls and are non commital about wanting to set up play dates.

My D's have vacation coming up and ask constantly to have friends over. I have told them that of course they can have friends over and I got 2 emails in the past day from the moms of their best friends saying that they aren't comfortable having a playdate.

I can't blame them but it is upsetting nonetheless. Both moms work in the school district that AH teaches in, both have told me that there is LOTS of talk/gossip about my being arrested and I am feeling judged, ashamed etc...

So, my feeling of last week of support and feeling like people were "seeing" AH as he is, has been replaced with feeling like I am being kicked in the stomach and a rage inside me that my D's are paying the price for their father's evil (and my participation in it by allowing him to stay in my life waaaaaay too long).

How do you tell a 4 and 6 yr old that they aren't allowed to have a friend over bc their friends mom doesn't think my house is safe? Great. Just f'ing great.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:13 AM
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WTBH, ((((hugs))))

Deep breaths and be patient. Vacation isn't here yet. Who knows what will happen between now and then. So, hard as it is, try to relax and focus on the big picture of finishing the divorce.

BTW, feel free to vent here as much as you need to.

Your friend,
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:14 AM
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That really does suck. I'm sorry to hear it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:18 AM
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((WTBH))

This is heartbreaking that your AH & his disease is willing to allow your precious daughters to be so hurt by this disease ~

It's ashame that people listen to gossip, half truths and how so many times people are convicted guilty until proven innocent ~ regardless of the facts of the situation ~

I too have no suggestions ~ only good thoughts & sending out my support too ~

Hoping that thru it all soon the truth will be known and your precious little ones will be able to have a calm and stress-free life

Hopefully the same will happen for YOU too!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:25 AM
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wow. That really sucks. I would have no idea how to explain that one to my 8 year old. We live in a really small town, so I imagine that I would have the same issue. My XAH hasn't been around town in over a year now, and parents do trust me to have their kids at my house. Just do what you do, and eventually they will see that IT'S NOT YOU, and the friends will be coming over again. I know it doesn't make it any easier right now, but I don't see how they won't be able to see it in time.

Hugs.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:29 AM
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Could it be that it's not so much about judging YOU, but more about an obvious situation where DV has occurred? If you put yourself in their shoes, can you see how maybe it's just about keeping their children safe?

While you are biding your time waiting for the case to be dismissed , maybe your girls could go play at their house?

L
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:41 AM
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LaTeeDa is right. Glad I read the posts cuz I was going to suggest the same things.
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:41 PM
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LTD- as I said, I can't blame the parents & would feel similarly I'm sure if I were in their shoes. So yes you're right that's it likely less about me than it feels. But given that I'm the one in the paper people know only that I'm the alleged attacker & it sucks.

None of the reasons for the not wanting to play really matter when it comes to telling my D's that they can't have friends over. That's the part that sucks. And as for playing at the other kids house- sure that would be great but it wasn't offered & I'm already feeling like a social pariah so I don't want to invite myself to others homes since the messages I received probably would have offered that if it were sonething the other parents desired

It is just crummy that my girls have to pay the price for their parents problems
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Old 04-11-2012, 12:46 PM
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Kids pay the price. Look at the ACoA forum. However, your approach to all of this is what teaches them the lessons on how to handle adversity and conflict. Always remember that.

What about a vacation somewhere else this time? Are you also off during the break? Can you load them up and go visit someone out of town?
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Old 04-11-2012, 01:33 PM
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Tuffgirl,

Excellent idea! I remember my mother taking us on road trips. I still love to do that today.
Even things that are nearby. Where I live, I am less than an hour from a world class zoo.

I know you are not comfortable now WTBH, but, I wanted to let you know that I do not remember much of my childhood before six. You see what I do remember is my mom taking us out in the car to do something interesting, even just going to check out the local state or national park. I still have a soft place in my heart for historical sites.
:ghug3

Beth
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Old 04-11-2012, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
both have told me that there is LOTS of talk/gossip about my being arrested
Are they married to captain obvious? Why would somebody say something like that?
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Old 04-11-2012, 02:26 PM
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None of the reasons for the not wanting to play really matter when it comes to telling my D's that they can't have friends over. That's the part that sucks. And as for playing at the other kids house- sure that would be great but it wasn't offered & I'm already feeling like a social pariah so I don't want to invite myself to others homes since the messages I received probably would have offered that if it were sonething the other parents desired
People suck. They really do. :ghug3

If this were me, I wouldn't tell the girls anything at this point. I would address this with the other parents directly -- honestly, I see this as a challenge to their moral fortitude, and an opportunity for you to cut some fat in your life -- and would say that you understand why they have reservations about their kids coming over to your house but that you would hate to see your girls' relationships suffer with little Sally and Betty. Would they be welcome to play at Sally and Betty's houses on the afternoon of the 15th? Or whatever. If the answer is no, take this back to the therapist who can give you insight on how to address it with the girls.

When I went through this kind of thing, I figured that if I was already seen as the unhinged, crazy, aggressive ex, there was no added harm in appearing pushy too.
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Old 04-11-2012, 02:56 PM
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Florence- Good point!

I will have a good vacation with the girls regardless-- it is just as a mom you want to protect your kids from being unnecessarily hurt and today I was hurting bc I know that their hurt is inevitable at some point. And frankly I feel like my friends and even aquaintances are dropping like flies and am feeling a little sorry for myself too!

I worked all of our Feb vacation and told them I wouldn't do anything but hang with them doing the things we don't get to do-- sleepovers with friends, staying up late, movies etc... I don't have friends or family out of state-- well, I do actually have friends in KY, OH, CO but none within driving distance.

Kids have a short term memory I suppose and if I can make being with mom be fun, maybe they won't be too bummed that they can't have H and E over as promised.

Sigh. This sucks, and it's life and I'll survive but I just needed to whine about it for a while today

I would probably be leary of having my kids go to someone's house if the situation were reversed but it sure doesn't make it suck any less having it be me who is dealing with the rejection of my kids bc of me... ugh
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:49 PM
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I know its hard. Maybe just tell them that E & H couldn't come because they have plans with their family? I know kids talk, but they don't always know the day to day details of future family plans......
I don't know. It just plain sucks.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:12 PM
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Don't know if this is possible or not but how about a bbq or party with games or something that the other parents come to.

Just a thought
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:53 PM
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I'm going to elaborate on what I posted earlier...

These two moms who told you that people have been gossiping, their daughters probably are and will grow to be like their moms. Meaning, they'll probably pull the same kind of crap on other people as their moms did with you. So it's not that big of a loss. Just one way to look at it.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:13 PM
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So sorry that this is happening to you and the girls.:ghug3

You have already received great support and ideas from the rest of our family, and I want to offer another idea:

Stay-Cation Wonderland.

Turn your living area into a fantasy world (tents, stars, fairy dust - whatever inspires them)

rent movies,
play games, I loved to draw on myself and my kids with washable markers,
sidewalk chalk,
try new recipes together

And don't forget the sprinkler in the backyard! (my personal favorite )
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:20 PM
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Awww WTBH.. what great advice you have got so far ... a specialist can advise on the best way to handle this with the daughters

I do not understand how much this hurts - but you are opening your eyes to the reality of your decisions (or lack of decisions), that is always a kick in the gut but the important thing is that you are choosing different things for yourself and your kids now. Many people stay in abusive relationships afraid of others opinions, afraid of the unknown, etc (I am talking about myself because this is the way I feel about my job) so I respect you.

I have no kids but cooking with family is fun, my memories with my sister are when we prepare typical Mexican dishes and then have a real feast I can share the recipe for guacamole, enchiladas, flautas... that would be my no.1 activity lol..

And I also don't remember much about childhood

The love I share with my close ones (mom and sister in my case) is the most cherished thing in the world. Nothing else matters in the end (ok this sounded like Metallica..)
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:25 PM
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Perhaps you can have a play date at their house? Just a suggestion. Im sorry your children have to go through this. *Hugs*
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Old 04-11-2012, 06:26 PM
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having a backward PJ day....funny hair day....what else did my mom do? ooh ya...make cookies! LOTS of favorite cookies...

one thing i gave my daughter at that age was a TEA PARTY...women only...meaning moms and daughters came with their favorite tea cup and saucer...(with a story about the cup too) and we made small cookies and pots of TEA....

we taught the girls proper way to eat and drink...and talk in a social gather....IT WAS A REAL HIT!....we also add a HAT too for the party if they wanted...well, every one did...even my new born niece at the time...gosh it was so cute...i do have a picture of it all!!!

enjoy!
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