Needing advice on drinking hubby

Old 04-11-2012, 08:22 AM
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I want so badly to have peace in my life wantstobehealthy. I am so glad I found SR. I am learning so much about myself and my situation. I really haven't addressed his drinking that much over the years. When I did nothing happened. That should have been a clue but it wasn't. I think what got me to really thinking was the last time I addressed his drinking and my concerns, etc. and he did nothing about it. For so long I've thought everything was my fault, my worry but no more. I want to take control of my life. For so long I have felt that I lost myself somewhere along the way in my marriage. I want to find me again. I want to be happy. I know now I haven't been happy in so long and that has affected my life in every aspect....work, friendships, etc. I feel like I'm heading in the right direction now and I know it will take time and patience and tears. By coming here, going to Al-Anon (first meeting next Tuesday) and reading some of the suggested books I will empower myself to move forward. Every post I read in here brings tears to my eyes. I'm finally seeing a light in the tunnel I've been living in!
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:39 AM
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I want the kind of happiness and peacefullness yall have. I know I can have it and I know it will take a lot of work and probably many tears

I'm not there yet hon, but working on it just like you.

We will do it together and shed lots of tears together, every tear heals us.

We are tough
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Old 04-11-2012, 07:45 PM
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Hello, and welcome to SR. I needed to separate what my issues were from what my A's issues were. His issue is his alcohol abuse. My issue is whether or not I choose to live with and/or enable an active addict.

I am concerned that you wonder "what his reaction will be" to your going to Al anon. IMHO, it's best to go to Al anon for yourself. Not to shake him up, make him think, get him to change. It's for YOU, and your health. And the health of your children. I'm the adult child of an A, it leaves lasting scars.

A good first start may be to stop buying the beer. It's the easiest obvious choice to stop enabling his drinking. But as others have said, beware. Letting an A experience the consequences of their drinking can escalate abuse.

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

But you can take care of yourself, and decide what you want your life to look like. Baby steps! Good luck!
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Old 04-11-2012, 08:44 PM
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Hi stressedwife,

I just wanted to point out that you dont necessarily have to leave your AH to find peace and happiness, its about getting yourself to a place where you can make an informed descision about what YOU want to do with the rest of YOUR life, regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

When you have lived in a verbally abusive, active alcoholic home for a long time, you do loose sight of a lot of things, but most importantly yourself. The games, verbal abuse, unreasonable behaviours, treading on eggshells, chaos, worrying about upsetting the status quo, all lead to a lack of clarity about marriage, life and family and what is acceptable. I thought my head would explode sometimes with all the should of, would of, could ofs that went on inside there.

I had a few wives at my Al-anon group, still living with active alcoholics and managed to do so whilst maintaining peace and happiness in their own lives. I would listen to them share and thought that maybe I could find serenity too, whilst continuing to live with my active alcholic husband, if only I could just let things go. I couldnt do it. I developed my own friends and things to do outside of the home and I was definitely happier but seeing him with a beer bottle in his hand, hit right where it hurt every time. I finally left, not to 'wake' up my husband, in hopes that he would stop drinking, but because it was what was best for me, my health and happiness.

His choice was to carry on drinking for the rest of his life, but that didnt have to be what I chose to live with for the rest of my own life.

It definitely isnt an overnight descision that you can make. I did an awful lot of reading, therapy, Al-anon meetings and visits to SR before I got to a place where I knew that I was important and made a descision that was based on what was in my own best interest at the end of the day.

That feeling you get on SR and in Al-anon, that someone else knows exactly what you mean, how you feel, what you are living with, is very comforting and empowering. A lot of us can spot alcoholic BS a mile off. Dont believe the put downs etc, it is definitely not you. Thats what they want you to think, so they can carry on drinking in peace.

I hope that you enjoy your first Al-anon meeting. You will definitely hear lots of ES&H that you will relate to. You are no longer alone.
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:47 AM
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Thank you Eightball. I haven't made a decision to leave him yet. I do know that I have to do something for my own sanity, my own peace of mind. If leaving him ends up being what I need to do, so be it. Right now I am concentrating on me, gathering information, learning about my problems, his problems and how the inter-relate. My oldest daughter is very supportive of me and that is comforting. Before I do anything at all I need to feel stronger. So I'm going to start reading books, keep coming here until I feel powerful enough to tell him I won't buy beer for him at the grocery store every week, that he's responsible for his own beer, that I think he has a problem and I won't be a part of it.

It will be interesting to see his face or hear what he says, if anything, when I tell him that me and the girls are going to an Al-Anon meeting Tuesday at 6 p.m.

I go back and forth about leaving him and I realize that decision will come in time and that I'm not ready to make it just yet. I know that I can't make him stop drinking, that it has to come from him. All I know right now is I have to do something for me...I have to save my sanity. I can't go on like I am.

Thanks for all your input. It is just so very helpful!
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:16 AM
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I want to say THANKS for the suggesting reading material Eightball!! I have started reading Codepent No More. It has really opened my eyes and made me think about my situation. I have been highhlighting things like crazy! I will be telling hubby tonight that me and the kids are going to Al-Anon tomorrow. Not sure what he will say, how he will react, but frankly I don't care. He just has to understand what his drinking has/is doing to his family. He has the alcohol problem, not us. He has to see that and admit it on his own. In that respect, it isn't our problem...it's his. I'm feeling more and more empowered as each day passes. Thanks again!
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:52 AM
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I applaud you for taking steps toward a healthier, happier you!
Alanon is a great resource for face to face support for YOU.

I took my children to an open Alanon meeting to hear a guest speaker. They came away with understanding that our family wasn't the only one. There are others just like us. I also offered to help them find and attend a local Alateen program. They declined attending Alateen at that time. My two older children are old enough to take themselves to Alanon meetings if they choose (20 and 23 years old)

How old are your children?

I ask because it may not be appropriate to take young children to a closed Alanon meeting.

The closed AA and Alanon meetings are where the work is done on ourselves. The open, honest sharing of how our life has been affected is done at the closed regular meetings. Some of the adult sharing may not be appropriate for young children.

Open AA and Alanon meetings are open to the friends and family of members to share in a meeting experience that includes a guest speaker. The guest speaker shares how their life was affected and how their 12 step work has helped them to recover.
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Old 04-16-2012, 12:33 PM
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Thank you Pelican. My 2 girls are 18 and 22. I let them decide if they wanted to go. They may not go back, it's up to them. I just wanted them to know it was there if they needed/wanted it. When I found this Al-Anon meeting close by it didn't say whether it was closed or what. They just meet one day a week.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:06 PM
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Your young ladies would be welcome at the groups I have attended. They are old enough to handle any adult content at a meeting. I have been to meetings with older teens. They expressed appreciation in learning they are not alone and they have support available.

Mine were in their early teens when I took them to an open Alanon meeting. We continue to have open discussions at home about life with alcoholism in our history books.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:34 PM
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Hi Stressedwife,

I have read many more books beside on alcoholism in marriage etc but that list was my top suggestions for getting the most out. Codependant No More is a popular book on SR as most of us recognise ourselves and our disfunctional relationships in the pages.

Al-anon has lots of literature too, my favourite being a leaflet called 'A Merry Go Round Called Denial'.

My daughter, 19yrs at the time, went with me to my first Al-anon meeting. She didnt really take to it because of the older mix of people and found personal councelling with a therapist, which we organised through our doctor, more beneficial. She had quite a few sessions and found someone who she liked, which made it easier and helpful.

My daughter was pretty switched on about alcoholism and also her dads negative behaviours and often gave me good advice when I was upset. She was more upset and angry with me though for not leaving him sooner and couldnt understand why I stuck around. It was my daughter who first said that her dad was abusive, following a verbal attack both her and I had to endure over a garage blipper. Abusive, a word I hadnt even considered until my daughter mentioned it.

My AH didnt stop me going to Al-anon (I would have gone anyway) but he wasnt happy. He would refer to it sometimes as being a cult and I am sure by his attitude he thought that I was acting nutty, even thinking he had a problem with alcoholic and my mind was being warped by the people in Al-anon. He was in deep denial about his drinking.

He would sometimes say to me 'Off out to talk about me again then' and I just used to say 'why would I talk about you when I have better things to talk about'. Many a time I stumped him with my responses. It wasnt about him anymore, it was about me.

I hope you stay strong. The good thing is that you are no longer in denial. You are on the path of discovery, learning what is acceptable and what is not. You and your daughters now have a 'cause' for all the unnaceptable behaviour that goes on in your home and I cant tell you what a relief that was for me, to finally have pieces of the puzzle all slot in place.

Pop back in and let us know how Al-anon went for you and your daughters.
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:28 AM
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Well I told hubby last night that we were going to an Alanon meeting tonight. He asked what Alanon was and I told him it was a place for familyl members of an alcoholic to go and talk, etc. His reaction was a big roll of the eyes and "See ya". At that I went inside. By his reaction I knew he wouldn't be receptive to anything I wanted to say. He came in later very, very angry and ordered me to the bedroom. My oldest was still awake and of course, as usual, she disappeared to her bedroom. So a very angry conversation on his part ensued. He said he was giving me a chance to talk so talk...that he hadn't been drinking much that night so he wasn't drunk, etc etc etc. To sum it up briefly, I didn't really have a chance to say much because he kept interrupting me. The way he saw it I was blaming him for my problems which I wasn't. I was trying to explain things to him but he wouldn't let me. He called me all kinds of names and of course threw back on me MY problems and said that's why he drank...because of me. Incredibly, I was very calm throughout all of this! When I had a chance I would try and talk but he never would stop interrupting me so I gave up and went about my business. I just walked away. Of course he kept talking, calling me names. My oldest heard it all and I"m sure my youngest too as he wasn't quiet. At one point my daughter even asked him to please be quiet to which he answered by calling her a "f****** bi***" He even went as far as to tell me yes he drank, he's always drank and will always drink. Funny, I honestly didn't know how much in denial he was until then. Oddly, I'm not angry. That is his problem. My problems are mine. Sure they came about because of his drinking and behavior, but they became my problems with how I reacted to it, how I dealt with it. I feel sorry for him, but now is about me. It's time for me to find peace. If he continues to be verbally abusive about it all, leaving us to live in a house of tension, the best thing might be for him to leave. I won't leave...he has to. Possibly getting back together later? I honestly don't know. I think a lot of how it would be without him around. Sure it would be hard financially but it would be a lot less stressful and I would be able to focus on me and the girls.

This morning we got up as usual, went through the morning routine, with no talking which was fine with me. When he left he kissed my cheek and said have a good day. I didn't even expect that much. I just apologized to my oldest for having to witness all of that. She didn't sleep well last night which is why she is up at 7:30 a.m. on her day off. She is so supportive of me and for that I am thankful.
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:25 AM
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hello stressedwife! I've been following your story and I hope you stand firm seeing it will get a lot harder as you begin to find yourself. Isn't it wonderful to have kids that love you so much and stand behind you? My kids told me the same thing about why didn't I leave him a long time ago. I think our kids probably see the picture a lot clearer than we do so we are truly blessed. I've been divorced now for 9 months and I wish I could tell you it's been nothing but roses, it has not been, but it's been the most freeing in spirit and body since I think I first met my XAH. I work on myself with going to therapy, reading and finding out what makes me tick, so it's hard work but you know I think I'm worth it! and so are you!
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Old 04-17-2012, 06:49 AM
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Thank you fedup..appreciate the support! I know I have a long road to go and I'm going to try and do it with reading and going to Alanon. I'm not even halfway through the book Codepent No More and am already feeling enlightened. I know I am looking at things differently, seeing things differently by how I reactive to AH's tirade last night when I told him about Alanon. I stayed calm. Everytime I tried to explain things to him and got interruped, I was calm. I never raised my voice. Eventually I just walked away and went about my business. I have always cowered at his outbursts like that...just clamped shut and tried to wish myself invisible so he would stop. But last night I watched him and listened to him and I thought...omg he truly is an alcoholic! And listen to him throwing back at me everything that is wrong with me...as if I don't know already! It almost made me smile! Oh wouldn't that have really pissed him off LOL Until last night I never realized out much in denial he was. He doesn't understand that I'm not angry with him at all. Yes the problems I have now stem from his drinking over the years etc, but they are MY problems...it's how I dealt with his drinking over the years, how I reacted to it that caused my problems. Now I'm on a quest to find myself again. The real me hasn't been around for a long, long time. He doesn't understand it isn't about HIM but ME. I honestly don't care if he continues to drink...that's HIS problem, not mine. I'm beginning to believe I am worth something, worth being better, being happy, finding peace!
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Old 04-17-2012, 09:29 AM
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Originally Posted by stressedwife View Post
He doesn't understand that I'm not angry with him at all. Yes the problems I have now stem from his drinking over the years etc, but they are MY problems...it's how I dealt with his drinking over the years, how I reacted to it that caused my problems. Now I'm on a quest to find myself again. The real me hasn't been around for a long, long time. He doesn't understand it isn't about HIM but ME. I honestly don't care if he continues to drink...that's HIS problem, not mine. I'm beginning to believe I am worth something, worth being better, being happy, finding peace!
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Old 04-17-2012, 08:47 PM
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Hi Stressedwife,

Ooh! I can remember this time in my life really well, I know those rolling eyes.

Now that you have reached out and the fog has started to lift, nothing will ever be the same for you, your daughters and your alcoholic husband again. We have a saying here that 'nothing changes if nothing changes'.

Of course, your husband doesnt want anything to change, he has to protect his drinking at all cost. My own husband of 23yrs at the time told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. That was a devistating blow to me and our marriage, but also validated for me that my AH and I, had a huge problem on our hands.

It took a long time for me to KNOW deep down, that my husband is an alcoholic. I went from 'he is' to 'he isnt' for many months. At the end of the day, its not really important whether he is or isnt, its whether his negative behaviours are acceptable to you or not.

You cant change him either, he has to want to change himself to make that happen. So all you can do now, is concentrate on you, make changes to yourself, make changes in your home, think about some really good boundaries of things you will and wont accept.

My first boundary around this time was that I would not discuss any 'important' issues with my husband if he had been drinking or I suspected him of drinking. If he wanted to have a discussion about anything remotely important, I would just say 'I am not going to talk to you about this when you have been drinking' or 'I will be happy to talk to you about this when you are sober' and then I used to walk away. If he continued, I would just repeat myself like a broken record. I learnt very quickly that there was no point discussing anything when he had been drinking as this usually led to critisms about me or verbal abuse. (as you have discovered)

Whenever I would talk to my AH about his drinking or ask him to cut down, it would spiral: I was called lazy, boring, had no friends, didnt wash enough etc. I can tell you, that since my AH has been sober (9 months ish) he has not critisized me once. It is NEVER about you, please believe that.

Calling your daughter a "f****** bi***" is not acceptable either. I was fairly passive when it came to that with my own daughter (until I learnt), as she was much more aggressive than me, in telling him he was out of order. My AH tells me now, that his controlling, abusive behaviours towards his daughter is what guilted him the most and he often felt really bad after. (Of course he would make himself feel better by drinking again)

Another of my boundaries was to not listen to verbal abuse, allow passive/aggressive behaviour etc. My therapist taught me how to hold up my hand and say 'stop' in a really firm, positive way with 'I do not have to listen to that'. As I got better, I would say 'that is passive agressive and I do not have to listen to that', 'you are blameshifting/controlling, I am going to walk away now'. My AH often looked like a deer in headlights! The verbal abuse, passive aggresive and blame shifting became non existent very quickly, once I caught on to the power in saying 'no'.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes, is worth saying again and keep changing yourself - you are worth it.
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Old 04-17-2012, 08:56 PM
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Stressed wife: that could have. Ern my sign on name as well! I'm new here too but have learned a LOT in the short time! You and I seem to be in the same boat!

Your AH sounds alot like mine! I don't have much wisdom or insight other than posting and reading here has given me some courage and things to think about!

I'll keep you in my prayers!
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:42 AM
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as I will with you luvstaz....I went to my first Alanon meeting last night and know I will go back. I think it is going to help me tremendously. Yes in the past I have always bowed down to AH when he went on his tirades...usually just stood there and said nothing because if I did it made things worse or he wouldn't let me finish, etc. His reaction to me going to Alanon was a bit surprising but eye opening too!. I now realize how much in denial he is. I've known for a long time I can't do anything to change his drinking but I've never really understood the effect it has had on me and probably my daughters. It felt really, really good to just walk away from his tirade the other night while he ranted on. It was almost comical, childish in a way on his part. Good luck to you!

Last night and this morning were a bit less tense. I even got a kiss on the lips when he left for work this morning but I was the one to told him I loved him first...he did say it back...shrugs. I'm not sure whether to broach the subject with him again or just let it go...let him be the one to bring it up. I do need to tell him that him verbally attacking his daughter when she told him to be quiet is not acceptable. I will probably give it a couple more days...then tell him that...and the fact that I won't buy his beer at the grocery store each week anymore..it's all on him. Sometimes I wish he would just tell me he's leaving. I think it would be much easier for me to go through my own recovery without the stress of him being around. Again, I refuse to be the one to leave. If I leave it's me and the girls. with him it's just one person to move.

I know he upset my daughter by saying that. She was afraid to come home after Alanon yesterday for fear he would still be mad, etc. I told her not to worry that he probably wasn't but I was there for her. She had gotten a certificate in the mail from her college saying she made the Dean's list for the first semester. I was so proud of her and told her so. When she told her daddy...she didn't get much reaction and I know that hurt...he needs to know that. I've already put it in a frame for her and reiterated how proud I am of her. And he wonders why the girls don't feel close to him or want to talk to him etc.??? Hello????
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:24 AM
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Well it's been a week since I told AH about going to Alanon and his blow up. He's never mentioned another word about it since then. Do I just leave it at that? I am going again tomorrow evening and I'm wondering whether I need to tell him again or just go and don't worry about it. I certainly don't want to her his snide hateful remarks every week when I go. If he does that I might just have to tell him he needs to pick up and walk. I just can't see myself trying to work on me and listening to his crap at the same time.
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:46 AM
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Hi stressedwife, so glad you popped back again to post,

Al-anon meetings were about me, and I would just talk to my AH about it like I was going out shopping etc. 'Don't forget I am going out again tonight' 'where to?' ' I have my Al-anon meeting and will be back about 10pm' 'see you later, if your still up'. I never talked about my meetings, my AH never asked and if my AH 'kicked off, worrying about being talked about' 'I would just say 'its for family and friends who feel they are affected by someone else's drinking and we have better things to talk about than you'.

There is no harm in doing anything to help yourself. And there is absolutely no harm in letting him know that you find that his drinking affects your well-being and you want to be healthier and happier. As you get stronger you will learn ways of talking to him about why you are doing things for you, so that you can be a better person, without worrying about his snide remarks etc. I was verbally abused for all of my 23yr marriage and this left me with very low self esteem. As my confidence grew through reading on SR and Al-anon meetings, I gained more strength by being able to say matter of fact statements in reply to my AH unreasonable comments and seeing the 'shocked' look on his face when I stood up to him.

'Sorry you feel that way' was always a good one. 'Thats your opinion' was another I used. As I have said in an earlier post, my first boundary was not to get into discussions with him at all when he had been drinking.

Keep making it about you. I found that the best way of keeping my husband 'shut down' with his opinions about it.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:12 AM
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Thanks Eight Ball and Anvilhead. I really wasn't planning on saying anything to him. My meetings are 5:30-6:30. He probably won't even be home from work when I leave. I usually go to my Mom's every night to visit and don't get home until around 7:30 anyway so he probably won't even think about it. If he asks I was just going to say I went to my Alanon meeting and leave it at that. If he made a snide remark or something, I would either walk away or say something nicely and then walk away.

I've told my AH before I won't discuss anything of importance with him if he's been drinking. Of course there have been times he has brought things up and of course he swears he hasn't drank that much. Mostly they've been decent conversation but still make me very nervous because he can turn on a dime. My self-esteem if very low as well. As I read my Codependence book, go to meetings and read here, I know I will get stronger and more sure of myself in handling things. My thinking is he won't bring it up because it isn't about him really....and he doesn't think he has a problem so in takling about Alanon even briefly would possibly make him wonder about himself and he doesn't want to do that so if he doesn't think or talk about it, the problem doesn't exist.

I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to "see the light". I feel like I've wasted so many years being like I am.
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