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Does this really happen ?

Old 04-17-2012, 01:34 PM
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Sometimes I think that way too. I know I've been an excellent wife, friend, confidant and all that jazz. I think back and see how I should've been treated. I know what I should receive in a marriage, from someone who is as devoted to me as I am to them. But when I am looking back, I also remember every great moment and every bit of happiness we've shared. I don't know if it's that he wants his freedom so much, I am wondering if he is iust so ashamed of how he has been with alcohol. Missing out on things with me, with the kids and all of us together as a family. I am so confused about it all. I can't stop thinking about him....and that is 24/7. I try not to but can't seem to help it. I do know one thing, if we do go forward with this, I will not be a bitter person. I am so much more than that. I won't take the kids away from him but he will sure as hell have to prove he is worthy enough to have them near him. It will be something he has to prove to himself, me and the kids. I love him. I'm in love with him. I choose to be, even though he has done all of this. Pathetic? I don't think so. But then again, who knows.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:16 PM
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Hugs to you (((BW))).

It's ok to love an A.

Is it ok for you to be thinking about him 24/7? Doesn't sound like it is.

Do something for yourself. Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time if you have to. Just do something just for you. Go for a walk, get a meditation tape and listen to it. Have some fun with your kids.

This and alanon will help you. It doesn't change anything to know why and thinking about why won't help you deal if your AH decides to go through the process of divorce which BTW won't happen unless he does something about it. He isn't expecting you to take care of the divorce proceedings just because he wants a divorce is he?

My recovery is focusing on myself and it has helped me tremendously. I need to recover from the effects of A as much as my AH does and the more I recover the clearer and calm my thoughts and actions are.

I hope you find some peace and serenity.
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Old 04-17-2012, 02:34 PM
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I actually dont know if he thinks i am gonna get the ball rolling with the divorce but maybe i should tell him that i'm not. It wasnt discussed in depth. Out of anger when he first said something i said ill handle it but then i took it back. And hell no, im not the ankle grabbing begging person. I do have respect for myself.
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:49 PM
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Brokenwife,

Firstly, Im so sorry that you have found yourself in such an emotionally painful situation.

Having read through this thread I was trying to think how I would feel and handle such news. I would definitely feel much like you but I would demand to know why my husband wanted to end our marriage. I would feel that he didn't get to just ask for a divorce and not give me the respect or courtesy to explain. You had a commitment, a contract of sorts which deserves an explanation to break. That's how I would feel FWIW.

Also, I would let HIM file for divorce if he is the one that wants it and ask for his time line. He came to you informing that he wants a divorce but wants you to initiate it? Do I have that correct?
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Old 04-18-2012, 05:31 AM
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Yes and No. The way I see it, he doesn't have it in him to initiate the actual divorce. If I do it, then it's easier and taken care of. But I also really don't even think he knows exactly what he wants. We spoke last night and I did demand answers...problem is, he couldn't give any. All he keeps saying is that I deserve better, better than he has given and better than he thinks he can ever give. So, I think he is running away, or at least trying to. I feel he is ashamed of how out of control his drinking became. All the lonely nights of drinking hasn't helped either. And there have been oh so many of those. I won't make excuses for him but as I am learning so much about alcoholism, I am understanding things. Things that I never thought I would understand.

After about 2 hours of talking, which again he was able to speak more, I told him that I'm not going to give in to this because then in a sense I am giving up. It's not what I want to do. I won't move forward with anything until I am ready. Once he is sober, completely sober, done with detox and has somewhat of a clear mind (if that's possible) then we can address this again. I know he will regret this decision but I also know him very well...once he makes a decision he will follow through just to prove a point. But this is a whole new thing. He has admitted only 1 time that he is an alcoholic. He is having a very difficult time facing that truth.

This doesn't mean all is forgotten by any means, but like I said, I choose to love him still. Until I know I've done it all, then I'm in it all the way.

This might not turn out any different later down the line and I am well aware of that. But maybe, at that time, there will be answers.

I don't trust him much. And I don't know if I will for a very long time.
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Old 04-18-2012, 07:15 AM
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FWIW I too had conversation with my "R"AH where he agreed I deserved better and it seeming like he was running away. That was 6 months ago and I let it go (we are separated for 2 years and he moved back this last month)

I have come to accept that alcoholism is a disease and I didn't cause it, cannot cure, control or change it. I have also come to accept that in the past there were times when I was trying to engage with a person whose brain was soaked with alcohol - sometimes literally and sometime figuratively as I think it takes a long, long time for the effects of alcohol to go away.

Our lives will never be what I hoped they would be and I am accepting that and moving on. Today I choose to follow my own program of recovery and try to make it work with my "R"AH as long as he is not actively drinking, manages his disease and works a program.

I am still trying to figure out the person he really is and the person who is affected by alcohol. I may never know. I have faith that I will know if and when there comes a time when I need to move on from this relationship.

In the meantime I focus on what is best for me and for my family and I try to work with my "R"AH as best I can.

My HP (God) loves us all. That is enough for me right now.
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Old 04-18-2012, 08:04 AM
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BW,

I had a thought, something close to what 'dancingnow' just posted. Divorce doesn't have to be the end, we can't predict the future.

I guess what I'm trying to say is; I strongly urge you to continue to attend AlAnon, to build a life for yourself and your child and to live. You'll most likely have contact with your husband (ex or not) due to the shared child and in time may grow closer again if that's what is meant to be. If it is the right time for you both you could reconcile, if it isn't, you continue on your journey. Maybe if you can free yourself to 'One Day At A Time' instead of looking too far down the road you'll find more contentment??? I don't know, just a thought.

Good Luck.
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Old 04-18-2012, 08:14 AM
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It's a very good thought and that is what I am learning to do. Since my future changed a few weeks ago, I am trying to learn the "one day at a time" thing. Last night it really did click inside me. I cannot predict the future. I will not get my hopes up. I can't. We see each other at least twice a week, for the kids and things that they are doing and what he needs to be involved with. We are able to be kind to one another and actually laugh. That's why I feel the way I do. I told him last night and many times before, that I cannot hate him. I cannot be mean and bitter. I won't tear him down and destroy him. Can I do it? Yeah sure, but I don't want to. It won't make me feel any bit better and it won't help him. He wishes I could be mean and tell him off. He feels like he deserves it. I will continue to go to meetings, for me and my kids. No doubt about it. I am learning so much these days and it is making me a more understanding, thoughtful and kind person.
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Old 04-20-2012, 01:17 PM
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Tonight is another test that I hope proves that he is strong (but I also know his weakness). I cannot babysit or ask what he is doing and I cannot tell him what to do. Putting himself in the line of temptation hasn't been a good thing so far and why he keeps doing it baffles me. Going to a concert with a group of friends where there is drinking (and they love drinking too) is not a great idea in my head. It's nights like these that I stay up and wonder. Why does he insist on being so stupid?
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:33 PM
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I'm so mad I could scream....but there is no one I can scream at. My kids called him to say goodnight and yeah, I was able to hear it in his voice that he was drinking. I knew this would happen although I still had my hopes that it wouldn't. What a shame. So, for the past 3 hours all I have thought about was how drunk he is getting. I should be asleep but can't.
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Old 04-21-2012, 04:34 PM
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Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 View Post
I'm so mad I could scream....but there is no one I can scream at. My kids called him to say goodnight and yeah, I was able to hear it in his voice that he was drinking. I knew this would happen although I still had my hopes that it wouldn't. What a shame. So, for the past 3 hours all I have thought about was how drunk he is getting. I should be asleep but can't.
I'm sorry. I hope you caught up on some rest today. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:04 PM
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He still isn't seeking help for being an alcoholic and I doubt that he will. I am trying to understand but since I've never had an addiction, I can only understand what I read.

So, now I come to find out that the friend he went to for advise (about divorcing me) was his ALCOHOLIC, DRUNK non-committed in a relationship "best" friend. How is that even advise and why would that be the advise he would listen to ??????? Am I crazy to not understand that ? He makes no sense to me what so ever. Other advise came from a person that he should never have become friends with. And yes, I do feel as though they helped him come to this decision because in a sense, it's what they wanted him to do. NEVER did he come to me about any of this. Why am I fighting for him ?
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:20 AM
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So So articulate EnglishGarden.

You ve just explained to "me" exactly what I need to know about the brain damage ect.
I am just at this point of struggle after RAH sober for 3 months. The atmosphere is actually worse. I KNOW why now and how fruitless anything is. Its good to know the practical and organic facts and how emotionally unavailable he is. I never believed that
in these 2 years of him trying to get sober. I always thought he thought alot of me, he always tried to convince me of that. I now know he wasnt capable. I am now seeing a therapist and all the fireworks are going off in my head now of which im grateful, its helps to know its obsession and not love.

This post was clarity for me and I truly thank you for it.
I am near my time now, thank you.

BrokenWife keep with the SR family your time will come.
Much love and light
xxx
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Old 04-23-2012, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 View Post
He still isn't seeking help for being an alcoholic and I doubt that he will. I am trying to understand but since I've never had an addiction, I can only understand what I read.

So, now I come to find out that the friend he went to for advise (about divorcing me) was his ALCOHOLIC, DRUNK non-committed in a relationship "best" friend. How is that even advise and why would that be the advise he would listen to ??????? Am I crazy to not understand that ? He makes no sense to me what so ever. Other advise came from a person that he should never have become friends with. And yes, I do feel as though they helped him come to this decision because in a sense, it's what they wanted him to do. NEVER did he come to me about any of this. Why am I fighting for him ?
It makes no sense to you or I that he'd go to such a source for "advice" but think about it; he is an addict, he wants to be enabled, he wants to be told that what he wants to do is fine and justified and who better to get that info from than another addict whose brain functions in the same way as your AH's. Rationally, logically, morally it makes no sense. I have asked myself the same thing a million or more times. Why would my stbxAH go to his alcoholic, crazy (clinically) brother or his enmeshed sister or his alcoholic, abusive dad and enabler mother for advice about our marriage.... I made myself nuts for years before I finally accepted that he did this bc he was never invested in this r/s in the way a sane person would be bc no one sane would behave like that. He went to all those ill people just like your AH bc they told him what he wanted to hear.

You are the healthy one. You don't say what he wants to hear, you don't coddle and enable the addiction so of course you are the one he will push away. It doesn't hurt any less when he treats you as he does, but remind yourself over and over that you are healthy and that is a threat to his addiction.

There's nothing you could do differently to change how he is behaving. He is doing what he has to to protect the addiction. That comes first to him. Hang in there.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:49 AM
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Nothing makes sense to me. He opened up more yesterday and even started yelling. Hell, at that point, the yelling was a gift. He wasn't yelling at me either. He tried being cruel but I know why he was doing that. He wants to make it easier for me to walk away. Well, that doesn't work. He went through his day to day struggle with not drinking (or trying to not drink) with me, opening up so much and even crying. It pains me to see him go through this. But he will have to go it alone, on his own. I don't believe him when he talks about us. How can I? I want to. I really do. I want to be able to look at him and feel nothing. I want to be able to look at him and see that he feels nothing. I try convincing myself everyday that this is truly how he feels. But, I fail to believe my own ****, just as I fail to believe his. I understand that he is not the same man, even though I believe that he is in there somewhere. My bouncing back and forth of wanting to walk away and trying my hardest to find us again is exhausting. My heart and head tell me to fight. But I am going to have to stop listening to anything that I am feeling or thinking. I will have to move forward. I don't know where I am going to start, but I will figure it out.
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Old 04-23-2012, 01:40 PM
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Brokenwife, you say that he is opening up more, but about what? Yelling and trying to be cruel-is this your interpretation of him opening up or emoting?

I think it is normal to to be in shock when your husband announces that he wants the marriage to end. To be in denial even for a time, but it staying in denial and fighting it is not a good plan for the future IMHO. Ultimately, if he wants out of the marriage he can end it with or without your permission. What kind of a life is this for you having a "husband" who has one foot out the door while you take the position to fight for "us". What kind of a candy azz sticks around making it tough so his wife will get fed up and file for divorce to alleviate his guilt.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:54 PM
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Actually, the opening up part has mostly to do with his alcoholism. And some about our marriage. I wish the part about our marriage was more but it's not. I believe he was being cruel to make me hate him. It failed. I don't. I saw the guilt in his eyes for that. And every time he would say something cruel he would also say "does that help"?

If he really wanted out, he would've made the first step in contacting a lawyer and proceeding with it all, but he thought I would do it. I will not do it. He has to follow through with his own plan. I won't make this easy for him in any way. But I also won't put myself through any more pain.

This is no life for me. A much as I love him, am in love with him, I cannot do this to myself or allow him to keep hurting me. He has guilt and shame. He says he is aware of how wrong it was to do everything that he did to me but I really don't even believe him anymore. He only repeats the same things over and over to me with no answers. He says he doesn't have answers. Well, it's not god enough. He's fallen back on drinking 4 times now. He also still believes he can do it on his own. "He's not there yet" (ready to ask for help) is what he says. He is completely lying to himself if he thinks he doesn't need help.

I won't pick him back up again either. I can't. I'm still very confused but will start focusing on me, my kids and our future. Since nothing has even been started to end our marriage, I am in a way forced to see him every weekend. He comes here for the kids and as much as I don't want him here, I know the kids do. I won't play that card unless I have to. He doesn't drink when he is here. There is no hiding spot for him. But when he leaves, I cannot pay mind to what he is doing.

I felt good last week for about 3 days and fell back into feeling like crap. Hopefully this week will be better. I think (about 90%) I have made up my mind and will move forward. Yeah, it's not easy to just put him out of my mind but I will do my best to try.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:09 PM
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When my RAH and I were separated I made a life for me and that included my kids going over to his place every other weekend. That gave me a time to plan for myself and I didn't have to get into accommodating his schedule so he could see his kids.

Of course, safety was first and we had some weekends where he didn't get to see them.

My DS is 10 and DDs are 14 and 17. It was mainly my 10yo and sometime 14yo that would spend time with their dad.

Even now that he is not actively drinking and living with us I stick with the every other weekend where I am the designated parent one weekend and he is the next. This way if we don't have any plans to do something together I plan some time for myself or with some other friends.

I often wonder if it's such a "business type" of arrangement in normal relationships. I don't see it working any other way with my RAH and me.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:05 AM
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you are in deep shock, and grieving and spinning and hurt which is all entirely normal.

But if I could gently wonder, about him "opening up" re why he doesn't want the relationship to continue, how he owes you at least that? I wonder if there is any reason he could give that would make you feel better about this? I am willing to bet that almost any reason he gave would make you feel worse, either because it seems trivial, or is a further betrayal or is termed as something you have done/haven't done, or seemed to be a lie.

In truth, for his own reasons, however odd they may be, he does not want to continue the relationship, and when you do, that hurts like h*ll. Perhaps concentrate your energies, not on trying to find out why he feels this way ), but on you: building your strength, getting your support.

I'm not saying that to minimise your experience, just I know in the past I have pursued a "reason" and when I got it, I didn't experience closure, just more hurt (or disbelief), I could never change it, and often it just didn't make any objective sense, but the heart can be like that.

From now on, if someone doesn't want to be with me, that's all I need to know and the relationship is over for me too. I am not going to torture myself with what-ifs: I don't want to pursue anything with someone who doesn't want to be with me (feelings of course take a while to catch up.....)

re the friend he went to for advice? he went to where he knew he would get support for the decisions he had already made, we all do that to a certain extent.
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Old 04-26-2012, 10:13 AM
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I understand that getting answers might hurt me more, but honestly, nothing can hurt me more than what he said in the beginning. I'm not going to ask him anymore. I know he is lying about something but since he's the one lying, he will have to try and put his head down on his pillow every night and try to sleep in peace. I can at least do that. Sleeping has become much easier and lately I have been getting better sleep. I know why he went to that friend for advise. It wasn't to get support for a decision he already made, it was to get a decision because he couldn't make one. He took the "easy" way out, not me and I am done trying. I see him as the biggest coward. Do I love him? Yes, with my whole heart. But, I am letting him go. And I will be much better off and much happier in my life. The past 2 days I actually haven't thought about him, which is so odd. I haven't wondered if he's drinking either. I have talked to him, but it was only about the kids. I won't make small talk about anything else.
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