Does this really happen ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
It infuriates me, since we are still married, that we have to talk on the phone at times. And now, his vehicle needs to be fixed (money for that) and as we are talking on the phone, he tells me that he is unsure if he will be where he promised to be (for the kids) this weekend. He first tried to blame it on the truck but I quickly opened another possibility for him...the train. Then he says that he is still unsure of his plans. Well, if he chooses to go out with his buddies (to a bar none the less) then by all means, go and begin to be the daddy you swore you wouldn't be. Even after all the talks we've been having. How dare he. What a huge disappointment he is. Now, I will be the one to have to explain to my kid why he isn't here and where he chose to go without being the bad guy. Wonderful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You will get your answers, they will reveal themselves before your very eyes as you arrange and deal with visitation and time passes. I can tell you one true thing I know about him, he cannot be trusted. You can trust yourself and your love for your children.
wow. He is showing you all ready. I totally get the stunned astonishment and being infuriated even tho I have been around here a long time and seems I shouldn't be surprised. I would have called this predictable, but so soon, yeah, I am still surprised some even when I shouldn't be.
FWIW, mine was much the same. no children involved ...but he couldn't wait to take off that wedding band and start hanging out in bars.I was the obstacle that kept him from fun and friends and I no longer made enough money for him to want to stick around for my perks anymore.
PS......he eventually made such a jerk of himself that he didn't have even those bar buddies or that bar to go to that was his new home.
I smile about that. I am human. That was not the end of his consequences either. I will tell you about those sometime later.
Every breath of concern for him and trying to talk reasonably, caring and loving when it was all going down was wasted and just added to my anguish. I cared about him enormously more than those bar buddies. I KNEW that situation would blow up.
I really don't think about him much anymore, but yeah, in my mind there is a snarky "so, how's that working out for ya?" LOL
and I am okay with being imperfect and having those thoughts.
thoughts and feelings come and go, what I do is my real responsibility.
wow. He is showing you all ready. I totally get the stunned astonishment and being infuriated even tho I have been around here a long time and seems I shouldn't be surprised. I would have called this predictable, but so soon, yeah, I am still surprised some even when I shouldn't be.
FWIW, mine was much the same. no children involved ...but he couldn't wait to take off that wedding band and start hanging out in bars.I was the obstacle that kept him from fun and friends and I no longer made enough money for him to want to stick around for my perks anymore.
PS......he eventually made such a jerk of himself that he didn't have even those bar buddies or that bar to go to that was his new home.
I smile about that. I am human. That was not the end of his consequences either. I will tell you about those sometime later.
Every breath of concern for him and trying to talk reasonably, caring and loving when it was all going down was wasted and just added to my anguish. I cared about him enormously more than those bar buddies. I KNEW that situation would blow up.
I really don't think about him much anymore, but yeah, in my mind there is a snarky "so, how's that working out for ya?" LOL
and I am okay with being imperfect and having those thoughts.
thoughts and feelings come and go, what I do is my real responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by brokenwife2012 
I know what I have to do...for me and for my kids. I eventually do want answers, not that they will change anything but it's just the type of person I am. I will be able to forgive, move on and do what I need to do. And yes, I do know that no matter how much I love him, he's just not there anymore. Do I believe he still loves me? Yes. It's a connection that I feel. Call me stupid but I trust my gut and heart. It will hurt for a while but I have complete belief that one day, it will stop. I appreciate all the advise given to me even though sometimes it's hard for me to swallow. I will be attending my first ever Alanon meeting this Sunday. Just maybe it will shed some light. I am going to do this for me and me only. I know he needs help but I cannot be that person for him. I cannot do anything for him. I need to do for me, my kids and my future.
At a certain point, though, it's out of your hands and you cannot control whether he gives you the answers you are looking for, or not. I would try to find my own answers (honestly, I'd assume the worst :-/ ) and realize I may never know everything but I have to find my own peace inside.
I know this is a really hard time and I hope you can find healing. I'm glad you're going to a group meeting. Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
With all due respect, it's our guts and hearts that often get us in these situations in the first place. Many here tell people to trust their instincts. I say look at your life in retrospect, determine if your instincts can be trusted and in what situations, then go from there. I've learned about myself that my instincts can be trusted EXCEPT when it comes to women I have a romantic interest in.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh, Cyranoak, that made me bust out full bellied gut laughing.
Ain't it the truth?????
I am grateful I got weary and wary. and I still wouldn't trust me on that one, dumb luck (but about damned time) that I fell for a really good man this time and THAT is a whole new learning experience.
Wife, I so much felt the way you do. Even when I was mad`as hell. I married him to love him with my whole heart and being. throughout eternity, he changed the vows to read instead of until death do us part. I meant and lived my commitment.
I think I would rather have been gut shot..well not really but I think it would heal faster.
A year ago I found a really excellent (and those are hard to find) pdr. I go every 2 weeks for meds and my 50 minutes of psychotherapy.
there are all kinds of counselors and we all have different fits with different ones.
That move has done more to enable and promote healing in me than anything else, I stayed stuck in the pain far too long. It is excruciating. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Ain't it the truth?????
I am grateful I got weary and wary. and I still wouldn't trust me on that one, dumb luck (but about damned time) that I fell for a really good man this time and THAT is a whole new learning experience.
Wife, I so much felt the way you do. Even when I was mad`as hell. I married him to love him with my whole heart and being. throughout eternity, he changed the vows to read instead of until death do us part. I meant and lived my commitment.
I think I would rather have been gut shot..well not really but I think it would heal faster.
A year ago I found a really excellent (and those are hard to find) pdr. I go every 2 weeks for meds and my 50 minutes of psychotherapy.
there are all kinds of counselors and we all have different fits with different ones.
That move has done more to enable and promote healing in me than anything else, I stayed stuck in the pain far too long. It is excruciating. ((((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
He's here tonight, to actually go through with 1 promise he made to my son. Luckily for me, as soon as he got here, he went straight to bed in my son's room. He wants me to be ok with everything but that just doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair. I look at him and want to scream but I can't because then I look like the pathetic soul who can't face the decision he made. I HATE and LOVE him at the same time. I'm disappointed in him. I loath him. Every promise he made (even back a month and a half ago) has been voided. Our vows thrown out in the garbage. This really sucks. One day at a time, I know.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
When I needed backbone to deal with a self-centered, ruthless, grandiose, lying alcoholic whose treatment of me shattered me to my core, I read--over and over--two books:
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Hang in there, brokenwife, it will get better!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
When I needed backbone to deal with a self-centered, ruthless, grandiose, lying alcoholic whose treatment of me shattered me to my core, I read--over and over--two books:
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
When I needed backbone to deal with a self-centered, ruthless, grandiose, lying alcoholic whose treatment of me shattered me to my core, I read--over and over--two books:
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
The Addictive Personality by Craig Nakken
My opinion is that alcohol alone is at the core of your marriage problem, and when you fully understand what that means, what alcoholism does to a marriage which once was happy, then you will see your AH in a completely new light. You will see him as a drunk who hurts people. You will not be so shattered by what he does or says.
It is when we look at the man with the same eyes we had years ago, the same spinning heart we had years ago, believing he must surely be the same man we were so in love with, that we are most at risk of being destroyed when the alcoholic leaves us. What is happening is unimaginable to us, because for us, our hearts have not changed, and he looks the same.
But he is not the same. Alcoholism corrupts a man's heart, it turns his heart small, hard and cold, because the part of his organic brain which regulates empathy, compassion, devotion, morality....is dead. It is dead because addiction is a disease of the brain, and it deadens the sensitive and loving and spiritual part of a human brain: the frontal cortex, the higher brain. The alcoholic loses his best self. The one you loved. His new self is a predator.
The disease operates from the lower part of the brain which is most primitive, most animal-like, most ruthless and predatory. And this brain is what controls your husband today. The brain of addiction. If you keep begging him to be the man he once was, if you keep pleading with him to love you as he once did, your entreaties will be futile.
He is self-seeking, in all things, and as many here have shared with you, he is unavailable. This has been building, you did not know, because the disease grows silently and stealthily over time, and while you were having birthdays and Christmases and loving warm nights in bed with him, the disease in him was progressing and his brain was being altered. The darkness of addiction is chilling in its quiet violence to the alcoholic and to his innocent wife.
When you understand addiction, you will finally believe what those here know: that he is not lost, he is consumed. And that everything in his life is a lie.
You are the strong one. He is weak, dependent, and has lost all capacity to direct his destiny. You are the strong one. He will try desperately to convince you he is powerful and in control, and he may make you feel weak and out of control. But you are neither. You are the strong one.
Do not enable him. Do not minimize his neglect of you, of his children, of his commitments. Do not minimize his emotional flirtations with old girlfriends. Do not allow him to swing by and hang with the children whenever he feels like it and crash on a child's bed as you watch, heart split open.
Do not believe anything he tells you. And expect the worst of him.
You are full of love but you are going to have to suit up for war. Because this is alcoholism. And it destroys.
Make that Sunday meeting, get a counselor for you and for the children, get a lawyer.
There is a new brain in your family and it is more cunning, baffling, and powerful than you can imagine.
You will survive and deepen and you will be all right, no matter what. And there is always hope. There is a world full of recovery. There is always hope.
But it is best to hope in safe place, with a clear head, and support.
This is the most incredibly clear yet profound post I have ever read in this particular forum. Thank you so very much. It is a huge gift to me as well, you have explained what I have witnessed for years here abd have never been able to really grasp to understand. I hope your post can be made into a sticky!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
I went to my first meeting today. It was nice, nice that there are people that I can talk to when I am ready to open myself up to someone. I promised myself 6 weeks of going and then I will see how it goes. I have an open mind and i really am looking forward to what's in store for me. Thank you for suggesting that I go to one.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
Good for you brokenwife...give it 6 weeks at alanon. I gain so much by going, if nothing else, I do not feel so alone in what I am going through...I am sorry that you are having to face this. I left my AH once before a few years ago, he got sober for over 1 year and thought it was a good idea to go back to him. We will be separating soon. We have painful things in life, but we are stronger than we know, especially if we have kids. Hang in there. EnglishGarden...I am blown away by your post. Spot on. Def should be a sticky.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
I know I shouldn't expect anything out of mouth to be true or to even mean anything, but I can't help myself wanting to believe what he says. We talked for hours yesterday, about so much. He opened up a little bit more but I am still so disappointed in him. He just made a promise and within 12 hours went back on it. I called him out on it right away instead of letting it fester inside of me. I know I shouldn't trust him. This is freakin' hard s**t to deal with.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 4
Brokenwife - I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through.
My A has been sober for about a month now, after an ultimatum from to quit or I would leave. I had tried ultimatums before and they never worked. This one did, but was incredibly hard on me.
The thing I have learned in over 10 years of my A's drinking is that alcoholics lie. Plan and simple. They absolutely, positively LIE! You just can not believe ANYTHING they say if they are drinking at all. Even if they have been sober for a few days - or even for a week or maybe two - if they are not committed to quitting - for themselves, they WILL lie!
Their concern is when and where their next drink is going to come from. Even an alcoholic who has quit for several days/weeks or sometimes even months will tell you what you want to hear to be able to think about when they are going to get that next drink! Until they realize that they can NEVER drink again, and that they need to be in some kind of program or get some kind of help to stop, they will lie!
My A said he thought it would be best if we got a divorce - several times, but that was because he wanted to drink and he did not want me nagging him about it. He always said/admitted how much he loves me, but he didn't want to give up his drinking. Honestly - this time I was at my wits and and was ready to move out and call it quits. I even had a bag packed and was starting to make arrangements to get out when he finally made the decision to quit, not just for me - but for himself.
Regardless of how or why our A's quit, the truth is that unless or until they quit completely for themselves, and are completely committed to STAYING quit, they WILL lie and break their promises.
For your own protection and the good of your kids, even though it is breaking your heart, make the commitment to end your relationship with him, because until or unless HE wants to commit to you and to being sober (for himself) he won't stick by ANY agreements.
I know it's the hardest thing you can do, but you will, in the end, be better off. I am just so sorry that it has come to this for you and your family.
My best wishes for you and your children.
MMG
My A has been sober for about a month now, after an ultimatum from to quit or I would leave. I had tried ultimatums before and they never worked. This one did, but was incredibly hard on me.
The thing I have learned in over 10 years of my A's drinking is that alcoholics lie. Plan and simple. They absolutely, positively LIE! You just can not believe ANYTHING they say if they are drinking at all. Even if they have been sober for a few days - or even for a week or maybe two - if they are not committed to quitting - for themselves, they WILL lie!
Their concern is when and where their next drink is going to come from. Even an alcoholic who has quit for several days/weeks or sometimes even months will tell you what you want to hear to be able to think about when they are going to get that next drink! Until they realize that they can NEVER drink again, and that they need to be in some kind of program or get some kind of help to stop, they will lie!
My A said he thought it would be best if we got a divorce - several times, but that was because he wanted to drink and he did not want me nagging him about it. He always said/admitted how much he loves me, but he didn't want to give up his drinking. Honestly - this time I was at my wits and and was ready to move out and call it quits. I even had a bag packed and was starting to make arrangements to get out when he finally made the decision to quit, not just for me - but for himself.
Regardless of how or why our A's quit, the truth is that unless or until they quit completely for themselves, and are completely committed to STAYING quit, they WILL lie and break their promises.
For your own protection and the good of your kids, even though it is breaking your heart, make the commitment to end your relationship with him, because until or unless HE wants to commit to you and to being sober (for himself) he won't stick by ANY agreements.
I know it's the hardest thing you can do, but you will, in the end, be better off. I am just so sorry that it has come to this for you and your family.
My best wishes for you and your children.
MMG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: In limbo.
Posts: 80
Do I go along with this divorce that he says he wants? I just don't know what to do. I still don't want to do it, even after everything. I would love to just wait and see how things pan out. But is that just setting myself up for heartbreak again? I am going to Al-Anon meetings but he just isn't ready yet for AA or any other support out there. I know, deep inside, he is in there somewhere. And I am not stupid enough to believe that he is going to be better right away. This decision is such a big one to just decide over night.
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