MsPINKAcres

"never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

I hate so much that you are in pain right now ~ DIVORCE HURTS - regardless - even if it is your choice & especially when you are blindsided by it . . .

I agree with the suggestions of seeking legal advise for yourself, for the benefit of your children and also counseling ~ YOU deserve it and so do your children

This is not an easy road to walk - but there are tools and support to help you thru it ~

Knowing the reasons why probably won't change the outcome ~ but getting support and therapy may help you & the kids in the healing process.

PINK HUGS & good thoughts for the very best,
Rita

brokenwife2012

Nobody here can hurt my feelings. Its been very helpful to me to hear opinions and facts of what goes on with alcohoics. I have already found an Analon Meeting that I will be going to for myself, not for him. If he chooses to go to any meeting, that will have to be his decision and for himself. Little by little each day, Im coming to terms with everything. It is not in anyway shape or form easy for me but I have to do this for me and my kids. He chose this decision, not me. So now, the choices I make are not for him.

Pigtails

Are you sure he's not having an affair? I'm asking this not out of my experience with alcoholism (although from what I understand alcoholism and affairs often go hand in hand) but sadly from my experience with affairs. To me it would explain his moving out and his sudden turn-about in wanting a divorce. I'm sorry if I upset you by asking this but I'm just trying to help, based on what I read. Best wishes. I know this is a hard time and I wish you and your children strength and hope.

brokenwife2012

Living apart was a decision we chose for work and saving. So, no. I did ask if there was something going on amd he said no. But who really knows but him.

Pigtails

Okay. You're right that only he knows (although I'm sure you'd have some suspicions/a gut feeling). I was just thinking... I'm a recovering alcoholic, a pretty new recovering alcoholic at that, and I was so, so, good at being deceptive and deceiving. I am trying to change my entire way of thinking and living because pretty much the basis of how I lived was being deceptive and sneaky and manipulative. It just became second nature to me and I didn't even realize how bad it was. No one would guess the depths of my deception and I would set things up to make people think that things were "their idea" or whatever else would help me get what I wanted, or thought I wanted, or just add to my chaotic way of living. So I'm not trying to make this about me but I'm just trying to say don't underestimate the levels of deception and manipulation that an alcoholic, especially one having a mid-life crisis or totally unhappy/unsure of himself, is capable of going to. I lived a double life, a triple life, or more. I was involved with men who lived double or triple or more lives. What one person thought I was, even someone close to me like my ex-fiance, was a completely different picture than what another person thought I was, because I was capable of being anything and everything they wanted me to be, while living this mass delusion because I didn't know or like who I really was. Anything is possible, in my opinion, for an alcoholic like me, because we have no sense of self, very poor boundaries, and are extremely self-centered and manipulative.

brokenwife2012

The one thing that he did though, which hurt me so much was emotionally open up to a complete stranger, someone that he knew 20 years ago and recently go back in touch with because of a H.S Reunion is coming up. It bothered me because while he wasn't opening and sharing with me, he was doing it with her. Over the phone since they don't live anywhere near each other. To me, I felt like he cheated, because really it is a form of cheating. She also walked out on her family just a few short months ago and if he was looking for advise about anything, I feel she was not the proper person to go to. Even though this is all on him, I feel her influence did not help. That's my opinion. I feel as though she helped justify her own decision by helping him come to his. I don't know anything about this woman at all. I do not like her though.

Pigtails

BrokenWife,

That is definitely at least an emotional affair and you have every right to be angry and upset about it. What he did was wrong. And I know it hurts to hear but I would suspect there is way more to the story than you know. Just think about it... they re-united after many years, she left her family, he moved out... even though it seemed there were circumstances benefitting a decision to move out, there he is out of the family home, away from the family, free to talk to this other woman as much as he wants... and now he says he wants a divorce. It is a classic affair scenario.

It seems to me that now he is trying to change his life, start over fresh, perhaps with this woman he re-united with, and as a non-drinker (perhaps she is encouraging him to address his issues), or perhaps by himself, but it likely won't work because he has so many issues he needs to address. I know a lot of this is speculation but I am trying to help you make sense of the puzzle pieces, from what I know about alcoholism and affairs. This is just my opinion based on what I have lived through/put myself through, and you have to go with your own intuition but please don't be too trusting in what he says, only look at what he does.

In any event he needs to work on his recovery by himself, for himself. I agree with others that have said that more will be revealed and that this is a crazy time for him, and you... but all you can control is what you choose to do about it. Believe me I know that's hard. I hope you do whatever helps you and your children the most.

Pigtails

ODAT63

The same thing happened to me, in March 24 my son got married, my then husband told me he was so happy, he seem to be in peace with himself, he had a year sobriety, I felt we were closer then we ever been, then April 18 he call me wanted to meet in a public place, I met with him in a restaurant, we drove separate cars, I sat down and he said "I want the divorce, it's over, I am not in love with you any more".
I tried to communicate with him but he refused to talk to me, he moved out May 5th, he filed for divorce a month later, it was over, I been thru h*ll and back, I know the pain and confusion, it seems so surreal.
You are going to go through a lot of pain, but all I cn say is you will survive, and you will be much stronger. I am so grateful for al-anon and now this S/R site, hang in there.

marie1960

Welcome Brokenwife,

Rest assured more will be revealed.
So in the meantime, kick your shoes off, make yourself at home, keep talking we are listening. Reading the stickies at the top of the forum, is very informative, and they are a real eye opener.

Hang in there.

brokenwife2012

Problem is, all will be revealed when it is too late.

AlcoholicLove

"He isn't being mean other than the breaking my heart thing."

PLEASE go back and read this sentence...

m1k3

Too late for what?

If you think your love is going to bring him back that is "magical thinking". When you look at the REALITY of the situation you will realize that there is no "us". It's just you fighting to save something that doesn't even exist anymore.

Wow, I think I was channeling Anvilhead there.

Pigtails

Then that is how things are supposed to turn out. Try to just let go and focus on your own happiness. I know it's hard. But if he doesn't turn around and love you the way you deserve to be loved by your partner, then it is better off for you that you two part ways. You deserve only real love. Best wishes.

Cyranoak

It is very common for alcoholics, when sensing that their enablers are going to be less enabling, to start lining up the next one. I believe they don't even consciously know they are doing it, but they do it none the less. I'm not saying your guy is doing this, but it's very common.

The really painful part is that often, the enablers (like me) discover that the "love affair" was actually very one-sided and they are shocked by how quickly they are replaced.

Also, as many of the women here will point out, what feels like love may not necessarily be that, often it's just our obsession/addiction with our alcoholics (and I'm definitely addicted to my wife).

Take care,

Cyranoak

marie1960

Brokenwife, It's never to late to put your best foot forward and live your best life. Hang with us girl, we are/have been where you are today.

Peace my friend.

brokenwife2012

I know what I have to do...for me and for my kids. I eventually do want answers, not that they will change anything but it's just the type of person I am. I will be able to forgive, move on and do what I need to do. And yes, I do know that no matter how much I love him, he's just not there anymore. Do I believe he still loves me? Yes. It's a connection that I feel. Call me stupid but I trust my gut and heart. It will hurt for a while but I have complete belief that one day, it will stop. I appreciate all the advise given to me even though sometimes it's hard for me to swallow. I will be attending my first ever Alanon meeting this Sunday. Just maybe it will shed some light. I am going to do this for me and me only. I know he needs help but I cannot be that person for him. I cannot do anything for him. I need to do for me, my kids and my future.

Katiekate

THis is going to be a tough go for awhile, your emotions are going to be all over the map, sad, angry, grief, up and down. Please remember to have some compassion for yourself, you deserve some room to move through this in your own way in your own time.

I hope you keep posting and I'm so glad you are going to a meeting, you need support right now.

Take good care of yourself and know that the folks here care about you.

sending you a huge hug K

wicked

This is true, but it doesn't make it any less sad. (That you cannot be that person,he has to do it). I have no doubts after reading this thread that you will do for you and your kids' future, no doubts at all.

Keep hanging around people in recovery. It is good stuff.

Beth

brokenwife2012

My emotions are already going haywire. At some moments I am learning to deal with HIS decision and other moments I am crying, mad as hell and bitter. And then there are moments where I am completely wishing I could wake up from this nightmare. Fact is, I'm not asleep and I am living this nightmare.

I do wish that he could see why saying to me "we can be friends" and 'i will always love you" doesn't make sense to me. I will learn to co-exist when it comes to our kids, but for now, that's all I will be able to handle. I don't know about the future. I thought I knew what the future held for me, but he changed that.

One day at a time. I look at my kids and this amazingly HUGE smile crosses my face and I see that I have the best 2 people in my life. I will always have the BEST part of him. And that alone will make my world go 'round.

Live

I can relate to this sudden and completely unexpected divorce. I WAS SO BETRAYED! and he said the let's be friends thing too. Yeah, the best of both worlds for him while I was stunned, hurt, ANGRY, bitter. The being friendly thing didn't last too long because what he was doing to me wasn't very freaking friendly! I made myself be nice while having horrendous nightmares and my sense of trust was shattered. (I yelled alot on here!) Never again will I attempt to follow a breakup up with friendship, not until I have had plenty of time to heal and then I can decide.
This was my meant to last throughout eternity second mariage after 13 years single. It tore me to bits and pieces.
But the rest of the story? I was DONE with men until I soon met the best man I have ever known. The XH, whom I now know but did not then,is an alcoholic, did me a favor.
HOWEVER, the way he did it was inexcusable. The way he acted after was inexcusable.
He is no friend of mine.
Me and my love for him is irreplacable, it is his loss and I don't feel one bit sorry for him.
I am sorry I was hurt so badly, it took me a long time to recover even tho I did meet and love a far better man.
I will channel my compassion to people who are not cruel, destructive and irresponsible. That leaves my XAH out.
3-4 ? yrs divorced now. separated longer.
engaged to be married, have reset dates 3 times for financial reasons.
I am both eager and gun shy.
I have no fondness for those men who scarred me.
It has taken too much out of me and taken up too much time of my life.
yours hasn't been sober enough long enough to even start to deal with real life. I reckon he is messing up real bad but the best thing to do is to circle your wagons and the less you know of his off to be the lone ranger riding into the sunset, the better, it just picks at an open wound. You will get your answers, they will reveal themselves before your very eyes as you arrange and deal with visitation and time passes. I can tell you one true thing I know about him, he cannot be trusted. You can trust yourself and your love for your children.