First Thread. Very new here.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Where my Dog is
Posts: 149
First Thread. Very new here.
Im trying to make sense of everything. But im having a hard time.
I guess ill start here; I never understood how real alcoholism really was. I didnt grow up with alcohol abuse in my home but my Mom is an adult child of an alcoholic. She has severe ptsd from her mothers alcoholism and her father's sex addiction. Anyways because of my Mom's experience she is very leery of a person with an addiction. I brought over a good friend of mine over for dinner to meet my mom a couple of months ago. I had fallen in love with him, good heart, a good soldier in the Army, funny and hansom. But he came over drunk. And was telling my mom how he drinks because he has a lot of problems. Ptsd, tbi, etc. My Mom let me know this isnt a relationship I should get into though he is a nice guy. He is afraid to get an article 15. Hes been told if he gets help for his problems that he will get an article 15 and that will increase his chances of getting kicked out of the military. The threat is high since the Military is downsizing. So... he self medicates. Which breaks my heart. He is so very thoughtful and im in love with him. But because of the alcoholism I havent been able to commit to him. The confusing part is the mixed messages ive gotten from when he has been drunk. He will tell me im important one minute and the next say something that leads me to believe im an object in this addiction. I dont even know how he feels anymore. I finally got tired of it and let him know that we need space. That I have things to work on in my life and he needs to figure out things in his. He said "I dont think ill ever call you again because you tell me that I have problems and that I need help, friends dont say that". I told him im the type of friend that believes in tough love and that if he ignores any issues due to pride and denial that they WILL manifest into his work eventually. I let him know he can call me if he ever has a hard day but he needs to figure this out on his own. I dont know if he is doing anything about the alcoholism. I do know anytime I have had a problem with something he has taken active measures to change it. Such as smoking, deleting his online dating account, etc. He says he "follows my rules" lol. He has a lot of integrity and I believe in him but he has to do this on his own. I cant deal with the alcoholism. I just wish I didnt miss him so much. He has been my best friend. I guess im going to have to face the fact that I may lose my best friend to alcohol. My heart hurts for him. Although my mom had a hard life with her alcoholic mother, I am grateful for her knowledge and support through this. I've read Melodie Beattie's Codependent no more which has become my bible. Amongst a couple other books of hers. Its nice to refer back to it. But it doesnt take the pain away from missing my best friend.
I guess ill start here; I never understood how real alcoholism really was. I didnt grow up with alcohol abuse in my home but my Mom is an adult child of an alcoholic. She has severe ptsd from her mothers alcoholism and her father's sex addiction. Anyways because of my Mom's experience she is very leery of a person with an addiction. I brought over a good friend of mine over for dinner to meet my mom a couple of months ago. I had fallen in love with him, good heart, a good soldier in the Army, funny and hansom. But he came over drunk. And was telling my mom how he drinks because he has a lot of problems. Ptsd, tbi, etc. My Mom let me know this isnt a relationship I should get into though he is a nice guy. He is afraid to get an article 15. Hes been told if he gets help for his problems that he will get an article 15 and that will increase his chances of getting kicked out of the military. The threat is high since the Military is downsizing. So... he self medicates. Which breaks my heart. He is so very thoughtful and im in love with him. But because of the alcoholism I havent been able to commit to him. The confusing part is the mixed messages ive gotten from when he has been drunk. He will tell me im important one minute and the next say something that leads me to believe im an object in this addiction. I dont even know how he feels anymore. I finally got tired of it and let him know that we need space. That I have things to work on in my life and he needs to figure out things in his. He said "I dont think ill ever call you again because you tell me that I have problems and that I need help, friends dont say that". I told him im the type of friend that believes in tough love and that if he ignores any issues due to pride and denial that they WILL manifest into his work eventually. I let him know he can call me if he ever has a hard day but he needs to figure this out on his own. I dont know if he is doing anything about the alcoholism. I do know anytime I have had a problem with something he has taken active measures to change it. Such as smoking, deleting his online dating account, etc. He says he "follows my rules" lol. He has a lot of integrity and I believe in him but he has to do this on his own. I cant deal with the alcoholism. I just wish I didnt miss him so much. He has been my best friend. I guess im going to have to face the fact that I may lose my best friend to alcohol. My heart hurts for him. Although my mom had a hard life with her alcoholic mother, I am grateful for her knowledge and support through this. I've read Melodie Beattie's Codependent no more which has become my bible. Amongst a couple other books of hers. Its nice to refer back to it. But it doesnt take the pain away from missing my best friend.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Alabama
Posts: 53
Welcome to SR and as I am pretty new here myself, I will be the first to say that I probably don't have the best advice for you but I will tell you that we've all been there and we do understand. Codependent No More is a great book and has helped me in my journey to get over my STBXAH. I am in the process of divorcing my AH of almost 7 yrs...been together 10.
It hurts to lose him but really I never had him--the alcohol did. I was just there to keep his head above water and destroy myself in the process. Every day it gets a little easier and you are doing the best thing for him as far as letting him deal with it on his own. You can't fix it for him, only HE can choose to get the help he needs. They all have their excuses as to why they drink. Your mother has a good eye and he is something you don't want to get tied up with.
Good luck and best wishes!
It hurts to lose him but really I never had him--the alcohol did. I was just there to keep his head above water and destroy myself in the process. Every day it gets a little easier and you are doing the best thing for him as far as letting him deal with it on his own. You can't fix it for him, only HE can choose to get the help he needs. They all have their excuses as to why they drink. Your mother has a good eye and he is something you don't want to get tied up with.
Good luck and best wishes!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR, SMarrero. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad you're reaching out for support.
From this side of a relationship with an alcoholic, this is a huge red flag:
IMO: he was anxious, which gave him an excuse to not only have a drink, but to get drunk. Meeting the parents for the first time is generally when people put on their best show. If this is his best foot forward, I'd be very leery and very likely to listen to Mom.
This is a list of excuses:
Can I point out that these events do not make people drink? I've been in treatment for PTSD from dealing with AXH (Alcoholic Ex-Husband) and his emotional and sexual abuse and I do not drink. My company went through a couple rounds of major lay-offs; I made it through both. It's now facing the possibility of another round of lay-offs. These rough times don't make me drink.
And this:
is his current excuse to not STOP drinking or seek help.
And this statement from him is a blatant attempt (even if he's not aware he's doing it) guilt trip:
I'm so sorry that you're in pain and missing your friend. Please keep reading and posting, you might read through the stickies (the posts permanently 'stuck' to the top of the Friends and Family forum); there's a lot of good information there. Others will be along soon and may be able to provide less blunt shoulders than I can today. There is so much support here.
Wishing you smiles, serenity, strength and love.
From this side of a relationship with an alcoholic, this is a huge red flag:
Originally Posted by SMarrero 
But he came over drunk.
This is a list of excuses:
Originally Posted by SMarrero
...was telling my mom how he drinks because he has a lot of problems. Ptsd, tbi, etc.
Originally Posted by SMarrero
The threat is high since the Military is downsizing. So... he self medicates.
And this:
Originally Posted by SMarrero
Hes been told if he gets help for his problems that he will get an article 15 and that will increase his chances of getting kicked out of the military.
And this statement from him is a blatant attempt (even if he's not aware he's doing it) guilt trip:
Originally Posted by SMarrero
He said "I dont think ill ever call you again because you tell me that I have problems and that I need help, friends dont say that".
Wishing you smiles, serenity, strength and love.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hes been told if he gets help for his problems that he will get an article 15 and that will increase his chances of getting kicked out of the military.
I was threatened with an Article 15 IF I were to start drinking again after treatment. That and a general discharge, not honorable. I think he is either lying to you or just not telling you how much trouble he has already been in for alcohol.
The Army also treats PTSD, and traumatic brain injuries. If I had a TBI, I would not be drinking alcohol. There is help available to him, he just doesnt want to stop drinking.
That is a big problem, but not yours. He is the only one who can deal with it.
Your mother may be on high alert, just as I would be (I am an ACoA too) but, she this is something she knows. You met him a couple of months ago? He has been drinking the whole time? How could you know him well enough to love him?
You do not have to answer these questions. Just something to think about.
Please take care of yourself first and foremost.
Beth
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