EnglishGarden

When an addict leaves us, we pray he will return. Every woman I know in my life who was hurt and discarded by an addict is so stricken, shattered, and stunned when he suddenly turns on her, that all she wants is for him to come back. It is her dream he will come back and say "You are the love of my life. I am miserable. My life's a mess. Will you give me another chance?" People do not understand this, and there are complicated reasons why....but this is what happens, in my experience of observing many friends in recovery. And living it myself.

And almost always her addict will indeed come back--maybe not right away, it could be years-- and he will say those very words she dreamed he would say. It is the codie-addict pattern.

If she has no recovery at all, the codependent jumps right back into a relationship with him. She believes his heartfelt admissions. She cannot imagine he will do it all again to her. She trusts him. He is the love of her life and he says she is his.

If the codependent has a little bit of recovery, like Justrae, a part of her will be thrilled he is calling her, a part of her will be overjoyed he wants her back. It is just what she hoped for....that he would want her with all his heart.

But another part of her, the newly-recovering part, knows she cannnot trust him at all. And that if he is in active addiction she is supposed to stay away from him and go no contact.

No one who hasn't been in this position will ever understand how hard it is to stay away from an addict one loves and who has come back. It is very very hard.

Justrae, you will feel what you will feel. The emotions will rollercoaster. Your thoughts will be a mess. And, yes, you will probably read his texts. After all, he's come back to you. It's what you dreamed of.

But you can still stay in a safe place. You can still not date the active addict, you can still not go to bed with him, you can keep him out of our home. Even if we are crazy about him, dream about him, want him, and still feel a need to read his texts, we can keep a safe distance from an active addict. Personally, I think reading letters or messages from an exabf can be useful, as we learn even more about his thinking and his behavior. The texts will become less loving, more selfish, as time goes on and the addict realizes he no longer can control the codependent. And that's when she'll want to change her number and probably will.

Anyway, Justrae, I'm glad you are learning more and more each day. A week ago you thought this heartache just might kill you. And now, well, it's a different week. And a different Justrae.

Krys

What an ass. It takes a crazy person...or someone who has been drinking heavily to think that it is ok to call his ex after going on and on about how wonderful his life is with his new chick. Seriously?? Good for you and good for her for getting rid of him. She took the car away...LMFAO!!

tjp613

Very well said, English Garden. I love reading your posts!

justrae83

English garden, you couldn't be more right. Everything u said is true..... It's enlightening but at the same time empowering. I have to say though that for the first time in 6 years, I am proud of myself. Proud because all I ever wanted was for him to come back to me and need me... Then when he did, I had enough sense and hurt and insight (thanks to these forms) to say no.

Skye10

I thought she changed her number a few weeks ago...

choublak

Oh, did she? All I know is, my mom eventually ended up getting another phone and number because my dad kept calling/texting which made it impossible for her to use her own phone to call friends and family members. It got to the point where she kept it turned off all the time except when she absolutely needed to make a phone call. She now has a new phone and my dad doesn't call/text her because he doesn't have the new number.

Some people use such funny business as fuel for their own ego...

tryintosmile

Justrae - I know where you are right now. I've been there. You gave your power away to him and he ran with it - right into the arms of another woman. Instead of taking it back then and cutting him off completely - forever and ever - you waited until he came crawling back to you. You thought he had your power, but it was yours all along. You just didn't know it.

Now - you have that power back. You feel as though you are in control once again and it is a GOOD feeling. The issue is that you need to know what to do with that power and that's to keep it - to help you to stay strong. That's why NO CONTACT is so important. He will try to take it away from you, once again, and trust me that if he's done this once - he'll likely do it again.

It is a very dangerous game to play. Do not play anymore because after a while it will tear your heartstrings to shreds. Please heed the advice of people here who have been there. NO ONE wins this game.

Whitewater

I'm new here and not so good at giving advice. BUT, all your posts start by
saying your boy friend of 6 years, 6 years, 6 years......

Forget about the last 6 years, look forward not backwards.

You wasted 6 years with a loser, don't waste ONE MORE MINUTE thinking about him.

Lots of posts about the last 6 years, how about a post sharing what the NEXT six years will be like once you rid yourself of this loser.

marie1960

" If that wasn't proof to go absolutely no contact, I don't know what is"

This is the best thing You have ever said. When are you going to do this????????????

celticgenes

Told you so! Bet it feels pretty good to know that the whole "I'm so happy" thing was BS. I try not to be mean or vindictive (too much like my XAF), but sometimes you just have to smile at the karma.

Work YOUR recovery, girl!!!!!