Trust
 

Can trust ever be rebuilt in a relationship with an alcoholic?

Can trust ever be given completly to any human being, without inherently leading to dissapointment?

It's possible, but it takes work and a lot of time.

I think that trust to a non addict is something that is understood as paramount to any r/s. It's not something I ever had to think about (in terms of whether I would behave in a trustworthy manner-- I just did bc it's who I am).

I spent YEARS trying to explain why honesty was important and a non negotiable to AH. Years. It was the root of pretty much every fight we had.

He rationalized being dishonest SO well that even I started to believe that my "black and white" thinking about honesty was unhealthy. He convinced me that honesty was negotiable and there were gray areas and I actually gave him CREDIT for lying "less". Insanity.

So, I really think that unless someone gets sober, and more importantly, does the searching moral inventory and really re-aligns their moral compass to grasp values like honesty the way non-addicts do, then no, there is no regaining trust.

I never saw my AH sober in mind or body for more than a few months at a time and he never wanted to make himself healthy and thus "uncomfortable" and honest. To him, honesty and my trusting him were things he didn't care about.

When we care more about trust and honesty than the addict, I think there's the answer about whether it's repairable. When both people place the same value on honesty and trust, then there is hope.

For me, the answer is no..... Maybe if he became a RA, maybe, but I feel in my heart that will never happen for my AH, sadly I think he is one of the ones that will never escape.

Adventure: then why stay?

This was my life with STBXAH as well... exactly. For me personally, I know I could never trust him again, no matter what he did... ever. (which is why I left)

I don't know right now, especially if you are referring to someone who's actively drinking. I am working on building trust with my RAH right now and it's not easy. My dad was a problem drinker and an alcoholic according to my mom. She finally left him when, after years of asking, he wouldn't quit drinking to save his family. A few years later he called me in college and told me I should have never been born, that they should have aborted me, etc. So, technically, I don't trust ANY active alcoholics based on my past experience.

In general, I have a problem with trust. I have been lied to many times in my life, and the alcoholics actually are not responsible for most of them.

So it sucks to be my alcoholic boyfriend, I guess. He gets the guilt trip twice as bad when he lies, because I didn't trust him before he ever did lie to me, and I certainly don't trust him now that he continues to lie to me.

I think that the only way to be able to trust someone again, alcoholic or not, is to forgive them. They have to accept responsibility for their lies and make an effort to stop. They have to prove that they are worthy of your trust. But that is the problem with an alcoholic. They don't want to accept responsibility or stop lying or gain your trust. And until that happens, they won't be trusted.

And that goes for everyone, not just addicts. There are some people in general who lie all the time and don't understand why no one trusts them. Duh. It's not rocket science.

The lack of trust is what ultimately destroyed my life with AH. Could he rebuild it? Sure, if he were ever willing to do the work.

I'll believe it when I see it.

I agree with Anvil. Once someone has destroyed your trust in them there is no way to get it back. I tried several times to rebuild that trust but it was crushed each time. That is why I now look at everything my AW says as a lie or manipulation, that is why we are getting divorced. Doesn't matter if she is using or not, doesn't matter if she is recovering or not, I will NEVER trust her again.

Your friend,
Mike

Ultimately I had to ask myself, "How much do I trust myself, if I am willing to trust someone who is untrustworthy?"

And I also had to ask, "Am I trusting people who are good choices, have they been trustworthy, have their words matched their actions?" In most cases the answer was no.

I let go of a lot of people, grieved a lot, and began to choose differently. Sometimes I still grieve but life is better for me now. By a whole lot.

Hugs,
posie

Hi AskingForHelp

Thanks for the question - it's a good one. I made a decision at Christmas (let's call it a New Year's Resolution), to get myself mentally and physically ready to leave. In almost every way my AH and I are already separated. We live under the same roof, and 95% of the time that is it. We share a mortgage, and a few bills and nothing else. Obviously AH still doesn't see this and as I am still in the house probably thinks there is still a chance (unfair on both of us in a way I suppose). As far as I am concerned there is nothing left in the relationship, and hasn't been for a long time.

I honestly can't explain why it is taking me so long to take that final step of leaving - if I understood it I'd probably have fixed it by now and be long gone. What I do know is that over the last few days (which I've spent with family, away from AH), I have felt an overwhelming sadness. In my head I feel that this is me realising that the end for us is almost here, but who knows.

Thanks for the question - unfortunately it is one I ask myself nearly every day. If anyone could shed any light it would be great.

Adventure

That is a horrible thing to say to your child, but I have learned that what the A says to someone is the reflection of what they think of themselves.

If only someone had told me this when I was 19, it would have spared me so much heartache and pain. I forgave my dad last year working through a book on forgiveness and when he died in December I had so much peace. My sister, on the other hand, is struggling with guilt and anger over my dad's death as she has not worked through all her feelings about how our dad treated us.

I am so dang glad I found Al Anon. It has saved my sorry rear so many times, LOL!

amen to this. My sentiments exactly. There is not one thing in the world my AH could do to be with me, or have me trust him again. Destroyed irrevocably.

I wish him well...but it won't EVER be anywhere around me again.

Thats what im wondering. My "Friend" or "lover". Would take active measures by proving I can trust him by deleting any girls from his phone, calling me before bed, letting me know what he would be doing all the time. However, when he would get drunk he would say random things that made me feel I need to dout his trust. I appreciated the actions he would do but he didnt realize the drunken words were making it hard for me to trust him. I battled with "Should I trust his sober actions or his words while drunk?" I decided I deserve both actions and words. The action of him getting help for drinking would help me trust him better but thats up to him. I think trust with an addict is the hardest part of the disease and it makes me feel a bit crazy sometimes lol.

I've officially been owned...
 

There is no scenario in which I can top this one.

Now for my real answer...
 

I trust my wife now... sort of. It's taken almost two years, I'm still very cautious, but I can honestly say I no longer live in fear which I count as a kind of trust. What I won't allow is for my trust to be blind, but as the days go by and she remains sober I find my fear and distrust slowly ebbing.

That said, it would take only one drink for her to destroy all of the trust she's rebuilt within me, and I imagine the setback would be further than before.

Cyranoak