Have To Get It All Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3
Have To Get It All Out
Hi Everyone. I'm new here, and I just needed to sort out my feelings in writing, if that's okay. I don't really expect anyone to read something this long.
I've been married for 5 years to an alcoholic who started drinking 16 years ago when he was 12. He sometimes acknowledges that he has a problem and that he would like to cut down on drinking (he's unwilling to stop completely), but is usually in denial.
In many ways, I feel terrible for pressuring him about his drinking. He works extremely hard, and is ambitious enough to be starting his own company. He doesn't physically abuse me, and is very loyal and loving. He keeps his life together in all other ways. But when he gets home, the beer caps start popping and don't stop all night. On days that he's off, he prefers to begin drinking early. He only gets truly sloppy at late-night parties, but when he does, his personality changes and we always end up arguing.
He feels his drinking levels are low because his friends are all alcoholics who drink much more than he does. All of our social activities revolve around drinking, and it's impossible to get him to do something where alcohol will not be served. It doesn't help that we live in a town with 10 breweries and a very alcohol-centric culture (anywhere there can possibly be beer, there is- even in movie theatres and bus tours).
When we discuss his drinking, his biggest argument is "I was like this when you married me and you knew what you were getting into". This is not true, but I can't make him see that. I didn't understand that he had a drinking problem when we were dating. Yes, I was extemely naive, but I hadn't had experience with alcoholics before, and thought we were just having a few drinks on the town (like everyone else in this city).
He is much like his parents, who hold down successful careers by day and get soused by night, so this sort of thing seems normal to him. My family is absolutely mortified by the amount he drinks in their presence. This embarrasses me, and I lie to make it look like he has less of a problem than he does ("Oh, he only cuts loose on holidays...blah, blah, blah")
When it comes to spending, we have to be extremely frugal to make sure we have money for what we need. Except for alcohol. He gives himself free reign to spend as much on alcohol as he wants. We can't take vacations, and are often barely able to cover our bills, because he spends so much per week on alcohol.
We recently attended the funeral of a friend who died from his alcoholism. This friend was told by his doctor that he had a 50% chance of living if he stopped drinking, but he chose to continue, and left behind a wife and daughter. Another of our friends has been told that he will have liver failure within a year if he continues drinking. My husband himself was told by a naturopath that he might have 5 years left before his liver is permanently damaged. This was 3 years ago. He tells me he doesn't need to listen, because she's not a "real doctor".
I have tried everything (and, yes, I know these things won't work): talking it out, reasoning it out, getting him to doctors, shaming him, asking him, begging him, yelling at him, crying, and warning him that our relationship will need to end if I see no change.
I finally just stopped doing those things, but I feel that I'm being robbed of a husband and that he is also being robbed of himself. He doesn't even understand what it would feel like to be alcohol-free. He doesn't even know who he would be without being on that drug. How would it be if his everyday life didn't have to revolve around the next drink? How would it be to not have diarrhea and an aching stomach every day? How would it feel to wake up feeling rested instead of feeling hit by a truck?
I blame his alcoholism for our problems. I blame his spending for stopping me from achieving what I want in my own life. I blame his numbing of himself for his lack of emotions and affection. I blame his sluggishness for holding me back from experiencing the things I need to experience in life. I blame his addiction for tainting our interactions and causing him to be more of a zombie that a partner.
I want to give him a timeline...a countdown to when I will be leaving if I don't see an improvement in his drinking situation. This will correspond to the ending of our lease, and gives him 5-6 months to work something out. I don't know how he'll do it, because we don't have the money to get a counselor and he thinks AA is "stupid".
I have been to Al-Anon, but was very frustrated with it. I wanted to relate, to talk, to ask questions, but was not allowed to. I attempted to ask the facilitator questions afterwards, but was just handed literature. We are not religious, and the religious bendt was too much for me (yes, I know they SAY it isn't Christianity-based, but it was pretty obvious that it is).
That is all I have to say. I just needed to write. If anyone has followed this far, thank you for reading.
I've been married for 5 years to an alcoholic who started drinking 16 years ago when he was 12. He sometimes acknowledges that he has a problem and that he would like to cut down on drinking (he's unwilling to stop completely), but is usually in denial.
In many ways, I feel terrible for pressuring him about his drinking. He works extremely hard, and is ambitious enough to be starting his own company. He doesn't physically abuse me, and is very loyal and loving. He keeps his life together in all other ways. But when he gets home, the beer caps start popping and don't stop all night. On days that he's off, he prefers to begin drinking early. He only gets truly sloppy at late-night parties, but when he does, his personality changes and we always end up arguing.
He feels his drinking levels are low because his friends are all alcoholics who drink much more than he does. All of our social activities revolve around drinking, and it's impossible to get him to do something where alcohol will not be served. It doesn't help that we live in a town with 10 breweries and a very alcohol-centric culture (anywhere there can possibly be beer, there is- even in movie theatres and bus tours).
When we discuss his drinking, his biggest argument is "I was like this when you married me and you knew what you were getting into". This is not true, but I can't make him see that. I didn't understand that he had a drinking problem when we were dating. Yes, I was extemely naive, but I hadn't had experience with alcoholics before, and thought we were just having a few drinks on the town (like everyone else in this city).
He is much like his parents, who hold down successful careers by day and get soused by night, so this sort of thing seems normal to him. My family is absolutely mortified by the amount he drinks in their presence. This embarrasses me, and I lie to make it look like he has less of a problem than he does ("Oh, he only cuts loose on holidays...blah, blah, blah")
When it comes to spending, we have to be extremely frugal to make sure we have money for what we need. Except for alcohol. He gives himself free reign to spend as much on alcohol as he wants. We can't take vacations, and are often barely able to cover our bills, because he spends so much per week on alcohol.
We recently attended the funeral of a friend who died from his alcoholism. This friend was told by his doctor that he had a 50% chance of living if he stopped drinking, but he chose to continue, and left behind a wife and daughter. Another of our friends has been told that he will have liver failure within a year if he continues drinking. My husband himself was told by a naturopath that he might have 5 years left before his liver is permanently damaged. This was 3 years ago. He tells me he doesn't need to listen, because she's not a "real doctor".
I have tried everything (and, yes, I know these things won't work): talking it out, reasoning it out, getting him to doctors, shaming him, asking him, begging him, yelling at him, crying, and warning him that our relationship will need to end if I see no change.
I finally just stopped doing those things, but I feel that I'm being robbed of a husband and that he is also being robbed of himself. He doesn't even understand what it would feel like to be alcohol-free. He doesn't even know who he would be without being on that drug. How would it be if his everyday life didn't have to revolve around the next drink? How would it be to not have diarrhea and an aching stomach every day? How would it feel to wake up feeling rested instead of feeling hit by a truck?
I blame his alcoholism for our problems. I blame his spending for stopping me from achieving what I want in my own life. I blame his numbing of himself for his lack of emotions and affection. I blame his sluggishness for holding me back from experiencing the things I need to experience in life. I blame his addiction for tainting our interactions and causing him to be more of a zombie that a partner.
I want to give him a timeline...a countdown to when I will be leaving if I don't see an improvement in his drinking situation. This will correspond to the ending of our lease, and gives him 5-6 months to work something out. I don't know how he'll do it, because we don't have the money to get a counselor and he thinks AA is "stupid".
I have been to Al-Anon, but was very frustrated with it. I wanted to relate, to talk, to ask questions, but was not allowed to. I attempted to ask the facilitator questions afterwards, but was just handed literature. We are not religious, and the religious bendt was too much for me (yes, I know they SAY it isn't Christianity-based, but it was pretty obvious that it is).
That is all I have to say. I just needed to write. If anyone has followed this far, thank you for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yours is a very honest and accurate description of an alcoholic marriage, and most us here recognize and have lived everything you wrote.
Neither you nor your husband will get well without treatment. Treatment is either professional or through free self-help such as AA, Al-Anon and other recovery programs.
If he is drinking away all the money, and you have no insurance for counseling, then the free programs are the only option for either of you.
It is very common for codependents to walk into Al-Anon and when something there doesn't fit, to walk away and get back on the addiction rollercoaster. This is also a very common pattern with alcoholics who walk into AA.
The alcoholic who does not really want to surrender can always find a reason not to go to AA, or any other program. Too religious, too many crazies, too boring, and on it goes. What he really wants is to keep drinking. He has not surrendered.
If you cannot afford professional treatment, then reading here will help. But I believe Al-Anon can contribute to your recovery. In AA they say the newcomer has to surrender, follow direction because his thinking is sick from the disease, and to accept that he knows absolutely nothing about how to get better. He has to be honest and willing to sit there and listen. I would say the same is true for the codependent who walks into her own recovery room.
If there are other meetings in your area, try others. Recovering people are who you need to be sitting with these days.
Your ultimatum--the six months--will not influence his drinking. So I would secretly begin saving money and have a concrete plan in place, for you will likely be moving out. It is extremely unlikely that he will stop drinking because you want him to. Alcohol is, in his mind, his life. A woman is always replaceable. He will not stop drinking for you. And he is so advanced in his disease....whatever you say to him will not stop him.
I'm sorry for your sad situation. Alcoholism is a hard reality to face, and our powerlessness to change alcoholic is heartbreaking. If you read SR daily, it will help you deal with the reality of that and not feel so alone.
Neither you nor your husband will get well without treatment. Treatment is either professional or through free self-help such as AA, Al-Anon and other recovery programs.
If he is drinking away all the money, and you have no insurance for counseling, then the free programs are the only option for either of you.
It is very common for codependents to walk into Al-Anon and when something there doesn't fit, to walk away and get back on the addiction rollercoaster. This is also a very common pattern with alcoholics who walk into AA.
The alcoholic who does not really want to surrender can always find a reason not to go to AA, or any other program. Too religious, too many crazies, too boring, and on it goes. What he really wants is to keep drinking. He has not surrendered.
If you cannot afford professional treatment, then reading here will help. But I believe Al-Anon can contribute to your recovery. In AA they say the newcomer has to surrender, follow direction because his thinking is sick from the disease, and to accept that he knows absolutely nothing about how to get better. He has to be honest and willing to sit there and listen. I would say the same is true for the codependent who walks into her own recovery room.
If there are other meetings in your area, try others. Recovering people are who you need to be sitting with these days.
Your ultimatum--the six months--will not influence his drinking. So I would secretly begin saving money and have a concrete plan in place, for you will likely be moving out. It is extremely unlikely that he will stop drinking because you want him to. Alcohol is, in his mind, his life. A woman is always replaceable. He will not stop drinking for you. And he is so advanced in his disease....whatever you say to him will not stop him.
I'm sorry for your sad situation. Alcoholism is a hard reality to face, and our powerlessness to change alcoholic is heartbreaking. If you read SR daily, it will help you deal with the reality of that and not feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Hello friend. Welcome to SR. If you’ve read much here I think you’ll see that your story has already been written and all these same questions asked, only some specifics such as the names of the “characters” and the “places” in this play are different. All the stories proceed the same way and more often than not end the same way. I relate to you as I am one of the hopefuls here that CHOOSE to stay in this situation and fight this beautiful disaster for the one I love.
Based on how you describe the situation, your husband is in deep denial. Even his verbal acknowledgment that he needs to “slow down” is likely more of a pacification for you as his actions say that he doesn’t believe it. I’ve learned to listen but also watch, with what I see taking precedence. It’s not even personal when our sick loved one lies, even though it still hurts the same. Realize that they are also lying to themselves and sadly believe every bit of it.
I was like you before this relationship. I had heard of alcoholism & addiction but had no concept of what it was. The crash course I walked into taught me quick and relentlessly. Now I choose to learn and understand that I am in full control by acknowledging the situation, accepting it for what it is, and then acting in a way that I feel is right. I expect to be overwhelmed at times and have set boundaries so that I’m ready to do what I know I should.
You mention all the things you have tried to “help” him, “talking it out, reasoning it out, getting him to doctors, shaming him, asking him, begging him, yelling at him, crying, and warning him that our relationship will need to end if I see no change.” This sounds like a page right out of any of our lives that have been (or are) in your shoes. This approach doesn’t work. I want you to know that I have not “fixed” this issue in my life, but I do see progress. I’ll tell you how we’ve done it:
1. Our loved one must WANT to change. They must see what is happening as a problem by suffering real consequences for their behavior and choices. This is the crucial first step.
2. I accepted that I cannot fix this for my loved one by any approach or means. It’s their fight and theirs alone. We only get destroyed with them if we attempt to engage it, but if we truly support them with love, not enable but support, we can begin to see progress.
3. I accepted that this thing in my loved one’s life is a towering mountain. I wasn’t created in a day and won’t be moved in a day. I made peace with SEEING it moved one pebble at a time.
4. I realized that making my AGF feel guilty or shamed was very damaging to our relationship. I began to see that she is brutal to herself for her failures and that inner turmoil is manifest as anger, verbal and emotional abusiveness, and nonsensical behavior. It becomes more and more obvious that the awful things she accuses me of thinking or being are really what she thinks of herself.
5. I stopped obsessing with her behaviors and began to focus more on myself. Am I doing ok? How am I feeling? It brings such a sense of peace to let go of something that isn’t yours to deal with to begin with.
6. I stopped having unrealistic expectations. That is probably something everyone has done, involving addiction/alcoholism or not. Something I read in the Courage to Change book was, “Expectations are resentments in the making.”
Many of the things you say tell me that the weights of shattered expectations are causing you to feel hurt. No vacations, no affirmation emotionally from your partner, and a general feeling of being alone. You also say that you “blame” him for many things. The hard truth is that YOU are choosing to stay in this place and are hurting because he isn’t the person you expect or want him to be. You have to ask yourself a lot of hard questions to arrive at a solid sense of direction. Knowing what questions to ask is in itself very difficult. I am not very compelled by theological based reasoning myself. I respect it as well as many other forms of man attempting to make sense of human struggle and moral choice. I do however; I find Al-anon to be very helpful. I can’t speak for the meetings, but the material is so directly related to what we deal with that it works for me.
Try to slow down, step back, and see things for what they are. Calm down, re center, and refocus in the right places. YOU will grow, YOU will have peace, and YOU will know what the next right thing is for YOU. Good luck. Hang around here at SR. I think you’ll find it helpful.
Based on how you describe the situation, your husband is in deep denial. Even his verbal acknowledgment that he needs to “slow down” is likely more of a pacification for you as his actions say that he doesn’t believe it. I’ve learned to listen but also watch, with what I see taking precedence. It’s not even personal when our sick loved one lies, even though it still hurts the same. Realize that they are also lying to themselves and sadly believe every bit of it.
I was like you before this relationship. I had heard of alcoholism & addiction but had no concept of what it was. The crash course I walked into taught me quick and relentlessly. Now I choose to learn and understand that I am in full control by acknowledging the situation, accepting it for what it is, and then acting in a way that I feel is right. I expect to be overwhelmed at times and have set boundaries so that I’m ready to do what I know I should.
You mention all the things you have tried to “help” him, “talking it out, reasoning it out, getting him to doctors, shaming him, asking him, begging him, yelling at him, crying, and warning him that our relationship will need to end if I see no change.” This sounds like a page right out of any of our lives that have been (or are) in your shoes. This approach doesn’t work. I want you to know that I have not “fixed” this issue in my life, but I do see progress. I’ll tell you how we’ve done it:
1. Our loved one must WANT to change. They must see what is happening as a problem by suffering real consequences for their behavior and choices. This is the crucial first step.
2. I accepted that I cannot fix this for my loved one by any approach or means. It’s their fight and theirs alone. We only get destroyed with them if we attempt to engage it, but if we truly support them with love, not enable but support, we can begin to see progress.
3. I accepted that this thing in my loved one’s life is a towering mountain. I wasn’t created in a day and won’t be moved in a day. I made peace with SEEING it moved one pebble at a time.
4. I realized that making my AGF feel guilty or shamed was very damaging to our relationship. I began to see that she is brutal to herself for her failures and that inner turmoil is manifest as anger, verbal and emotional abusiveness, and nonsensical behavior. It becomes more and more obvious that the awful things she accuses me of thinking or being are really what she thinks of herself.
5. I stopped obsessing with her behaviors and began to focus more on myself. Am I doing ok? How am I feeling? It brings such a sense of peace to let go of something that isn’t yours to deal with to begin with.
6. I stopped having unrealistic expectations. That is probably something everyone has done, involving addiction/alcoholism or not. Something I read in the Courage to Change book was, “Expectations are resentments in the making.”
Many of the things you say tell me that the weights of shattered expectations are causing you to feel hurt. No vacations, no affirmation emotionally from your partner, and a general feeling of being alone. You also say that you “blame” him for many things. The hard truth is that YOU are choosing to stay in this place and are hurting because he isn’t the person you expect or want him to be. You have to ask yourself a lot of hard questions to arrive at a solid sense of direction. Knowing what questions to ask is in itself very difficult. I am not very compelled by theological based reasoning myself. I respect it as well as many other forms of man attempting to make sense of human struggle and moral choice. I do however; I find Al-anon to be very helpful. I can’t speak for the meetings, but the material is so directly related to what we deal with that it works for me.
Try to slow down, step back, and see things for what they are. Calm down, re center, and refocus in the right places. YOU will grow, YOU will have peace, and YOU will know what the next right thing is for YOU. Good luck. Hang around here at SR. I think you’ll find it helpful.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
WELCOME to SR!!!! I am glad that you have found us, but very sorry for the reasons why.
First of all I am also glad that you have made a small step by going to An Alanon meeting. The thing with Alanon, is each group/meeting is autonomous from the others and the individual 'formats' are decided by group conscious. This is why as you read older threads you will see that most of who suggest Alanon, suggest at LEAST 6 DIFFERENT MEETINGS, so that the individual, in this case you can see which 'meeting flavor' you find most helpful.
Some choose to use the 'christian model' others choose to use a more 'generic' model of the individual choosing 'whatever concept' of a higher power, ie the universe, mother nature, etc works for them. Please give Alanon a bit more of a try and check out some DIFFERENT meetings. I believe you might pleasantly surprised when some of your questions start to get answered. I am, of course, a firm believer that face to face contact can help one so much.
As to private counseling, how about checking with your county Health Department, they will probably have some suggestions on 'free' or 'sliding scale' options with a counselor that specializes in 'addictions'. Yep, that includes codependency.
Also, you might want to get yourself a copy of Melodie Beattie's book "Codependent No More". It is very reasonable on Amazon. IF you do get yourself a copy, please do not let the title turn you off, sit down to read it with a Highlighter pen in hand. There is so much 'useful' information in that book, and some really good techniques to use for yourself to help yourself.
Part of our, and yes mine was too, of living with, married to, or engaged to a Practicing Alcoholic/Addict is that we start trying to 'fix' the person, and it takes many of us a long time to finely accept that we cannot. Heck, if our love could fix the A, none of us would probably be here.
So grab a chair, pull up your keyboard, and start reading and posting. There is some really GREAT information and Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
Please remember what is called THE 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
You will also read about setting boundaries. Not 'ultimatums' but our 'personal boundaries.' One of the first ones we seem to set for ourselves is this one:
"I will not and cannot live with someone who continues to be active in their addiction(s) so will remove myself from that situation."
That one is NOT and ultimatum. It is what I will do. It gives him a choice to either continue, where I will then have to leave, thereby allowing him to see and feel the 'consequences' of HIS ACTIONS, or to stop and seek help, where I will then sit back and WATCH his ACTIONS and NOT LISTEN to his WORDS, again allowing him to see and feel the consequences of his actions. In other words I give back to him his ability or lack of ability to live and act like a 'civilized ADULT' in today's civilization.
It took me quite a while to learn how to us the word "I" and not use the word "YOU". Help came to me in the form of Alanon, private one on one therapy, reading of literature like "Codependent No More" learning to apply what I learned from said literature and Sober Recovery.
I am a sober alcoholic for almost 31 years now, and it was on my 3rd Anniversary that my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED, that I start attending Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor IMMEDIATELY. I did not question, as I was still very willingly accepting her suggestions as for 3 years they had been good ones. I got an Alanon sponsor who was a 'double winner', recovery in both AA and Alanon and started taking her suggestions also. She is the one who suggested that I get some 'one on one' therapy with a counselor that 'specialized in addictions'.
We are not 'cured' but we do continue to grow and get better. One of my most favorite sayings around here, and in the meetings is:
"Progress not perfection."
I say this, because even with all my person work all these years, in early 2010, I got 'sucked back in again' with an old 'friend' (first love) from 44 years prior. It took me 10 months to figure out that once again, I was making excuses, not going places with him, because he would 'embarrass' me and himself, and a whole bunch of 'stuff.' One more time I had put the 'blinders' on and not seen the RED FLAGS for almost 10 months. It was during the 10th month that I finally said "NO MORE" one more time and walked away. I have spent most of last year and the beginning of this of writing, again talking with my therapist to get to what I DIDN'T DO for me that I SHOULD HAVE been doing. Sheesh that is why I 'love' that saying "progress rather than perfection."
This is a safe place for you to vent, ask questions, cry, rant, rave, scream, and yes even laugh. We are here for you and will walk with you in spirit.
So again, WELCOME to Sober Recovery!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
First of all I am also glad that you have made a small step by going to An Alanon meeting. The thing with Alanon, is each group/meeting is autonomous from the others and the individual 'formats' are decided by group conscious. This is why as you read older threads you will see that most of who suggest Alanon, suggest at LEAST 6 DIFFERENT MEETINGS, so that the individual, in this case you can see which 'meeting flavor' you find most helpful.
Some choose to use the 'christian model' others choose to use a more 'generic' model of the individual choosing 'whatever concept' of a higher power, ie the universe, mother nature, etc works for them. Please give Alanon a bit more of a try and check out some DIFFERENT meetings. I believe you might pleasantly surprised when some of your questions start to get answered. I am, of course, a firm believer that face to face contact can help one so much.
As to private counseling, how about checking with your county Health Department, they will probably have some suggestions on 'free' or 'sliding scale' options with a counselor that specializes in 'addictions'. Yep, that includes codependency.
Also, you might want to get yourself a copy of Melodie Beattie's book "Codependent No More". It is very reasonable on Amazon. IF you do get yourself a copy, please do not let the title turn you off, sit down to read it with a Highlighter pen in hand. There is so much 'useful' information in that book, and some really good techniques to use for yourself to help yourself.
Part of our, and yes mine was too, of living with, married to, or engaged to a Practicing Alcoholic/Addict is that we start trying to 'fix' the person, and it takes many of us a long time to finely accept that we cannot. Heck, if our love could fix the A, none of us would probably be here.
So grab a chair, pull up your keyboard, and start reading and posting. There is some really GREAT information and Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.
Please remember what is called THE 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE this.
You can't CONTROL this.
You can't CURE this.
You will also read about setting boundaries. Not 'ultimatums' but our 'personal boundaries.' One of the first ones we seem to set for ourselves is this one:
"I will not and cannot live with someone who continues to be active in their addiction(s) so will remove myself from that situation."
That one is NOT and ultimatum. It is what I will do. It gives him a choice to either continue, where I will then have to leave, thereby allowing him to see and feel the 'consequences' of HIS ACTIONS, or to stop and seek help, where I will then sit back and WATCH his ACTIONS and NOT LISTEN to his WORDS, again allowing him to see and feel the consequences of his actions. In other words I give back to him his ability or lack of ability to live and act like a 'civilized ADULT' in today's civilization.
It took me quite a while to learn how to us the word "I" and not use the word "YOU". Help came to me in the form of Alanon, private one on one therapy, reading of literature like "Codependent No More" learning to apply what I learned from said literature and Sober Recovery.
I am a sober alcoholic for almost 31 years now, and it was on my 3rd Anniversary that my AA sponsor STRONGLY SUGGESTED, that I start attending Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor IMMEDIATELY. I did not question, as I was still very willingly accepting her suggestions as for 3 years they had been good ones. I got an Alanon sponsor who was a 'double winner', recovery in both AA and Alanon and started taking her suggestions also. She is the one who suggested that I get some 'one on one' therapy with a counselor that 'specialized in addictions'.
We are not 'cured' but we do continue to grow and get better. One of my most favorite sayings around here, and in the meetings is:
"Progress not perfection."
I say this, because even with all my person work all these years, in early 2010, I got 'sucked back in again' with an old 'friend' (first love) from 44 years prior. It took me 10 months to figure out that once again, I was making excuses, not going places with him, because he would 'embarrass' me and himself, and a whole bunch of 'stuff.' One more time I had put the 'blinders' on and not seen the RED FLAGS for almost 10 months. It was during the 10th month that I finally said "NO MORE" one more time and walked away. I have spent most of last year and the beginning of this of writing, again talking with my therapist to get to what I DIDN'T DO for me that I SHOULD HAVE been doing. Sheesh that is why I 'love' that saying "progress rather than perfection."
This is a safe place for you to vent, ask questions, cry, rant, rave, scream, and yes even laugh. We are here for you and will walk with you in spirit.
So again, WELCOME to Sober Recovery!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Just wanted to say I can relate to so much of what you wrote (although I'm not married to my A, I see a lot of the same patterns). I understand your frustration and fears. You said you didn't feel connected at Alanon (I didn't either, although in fairness I'm not sure I gave it long enough). Have you considered counseling? It might be the more personal help you are looking for -- as it was for me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
Your post read like my first post here. Exactly the same situation. Noone thinks my AH has a problem becuz they only see him working hard during the week, meeting friends for happy hour and having 4 or 5 cold ones. No problem right?
What they don't see is the 12 pack or more he picks up every night after happy hour on the way home.
From the time he gets in say around 7pm til he goes to bed, around 10 or 11 pm, or he runs out of beer which ever happens first, he pounds one after another.
And like yours, my AH can't understand why he feels so bad all the time. Weekends, by 10 am he's into his 2nd or 3rd beer and can be expected to go through a 30 pack in one day.
I truely feel for your situation, and know that we all can relate. I dont know about you but when I was typing my first post, as soon as I hit the enter button, and believe me I looked at that cursor long and hard, I felt such a weight lifted. I know all my struggles wont be solved here but it feels so good to know that I'm not alone and can find tools to cope by people who have been there. My wish for you is that you find that too.
What they don't see is the 12 pack or more he picks up every night after happy hour on the way home.
From the time he gets in say around 7pm til he goes to bed, around 10 or 11 pm, or he runs out of beer which ever happens first, he pounds one after another.
And like yours, my AH can't understand why he feels so bad all the time. Weekends, by 10 am he's into his 2nd or 3rd beer and can be expected to go through a 30 pack in one day.
I truely feel for your situation, and know that we all can relate. I dont know about you but when I was typing my first post, as soon as I hit the enter button, and believe me I looked at that cursor long and hard, I felt such a weight lifted. I know all my struggles wont be solved here but it feels so good to know that I'm not alone and can find tools to cope by people who have been there. My wish for you is that you find that too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3
I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that all of you took the time to reply...and with such love and care. Thank you so much! It feels good to be understood.
EnglishGarden- Yes, I intend to make good on moving out in 6 months time. I have to wait until our lease was up because he can't afford our house on his own and I can't afford to pay rent twice. I have told him many times, angrily, that I might leave because of his drinking, and he has invited me to pack my bags. But, I haven't yet had the calm conversation about how I need to leave until he gets himself together. I don't intend to make it sound like an ultimatum, but I don't see how he can take it as anything else.
dvd5904- I think I keep thinking things will get better on their own. The problem is that everything else in our lives is very good and we have a very easy relationship. I just don't want my husband to die, like our friends are dying. I really don't think that leaving will stop him from drinking, so then I'll just be without him and he'll still die. It's just a no-win situation, as far as I can see.
Laurie- I will try again at another meeting. I was very turned off by that particular meeting, but maybe that group of people was not for me. I felt pretty out of place, and I didn't click with the facilitator. I picked the meeting I picked because of location, but I've moved to a new house in a part of town where I feel more at home, so I'll try one around here. I hope I can find one with a discussion format.
Jessiec- Yes, I would love to find counseling. It's a matter of money. But, I think I may have found a way to trade for counseling (I do massage, and everyone is always willing to trade). I have no aversion to counseling, but it will be a chore to get him to go.
Thelma- It IS a huge weight off. I feel like I have no one in whom to confide. I talked to his parents at one point, and his mom flipped out on him, but she can't really tell him anything because she's an alcoholic too (like her father, and so on). Yes, he comes to me with all sorts of health complaints, right down to a recent 20-pound weight gain. I always tell him it's from the alchohol, but he can't hear it. He also uses his work to justify his drinking. He works very hard, therefore he should be able to drink. He makes more than I do ($100 more per week- so what?), so he should be able to drink. Somehow, these things make sense to him. I once tried to make a point by telling him that I would be matching whatever amount he spends on drinking with spending on myself. That felt fair. But, we couldn't make ends meet, so I had to stop. It didn't make an impression on him, anyway.
EnglishGarden- Yes, I intend to make good on moving out in 6 months time. I have to wait until our lease was up because he can't afford our house on his own and I can't afford to pay rent twice. I have told him many times, angrily, that I might leave because of his drinking, and he has invited me to pack my bags. But, I haven't yet had the calm conversation about how I need to leave until he gets himself together. I don't intend to make it sound like an ultimatum, but I don't see how he can take it as anything else.
dvd5904- I think I keep thinking things will get better on their own. The problem is that everything else in our lives is very good and we have a very easy relationship. I just don't want my husband to die, like our friends are dying. I really don't think that leaving will stop him from drinking, so then I'll just be without him and he'll still die. It's just a no-win situation, as far as I can see.
Laurie- I will try again at another meeting. I was very turned off by that particular meeting, but maybe that group of people was not for me. I felt pretty out of place, and I didn't click with the facilitator. I picked the meeting I picked because of location, but I've moved to a new house in a part of town where I feel more at home, so I'll try one around here. I hope I can find one with a discussion format.
Jessiec- Yes, I would love to find counseling. It's a matter of money. But, I think I may have found a way to trade for counseling (I do massage, and everyone is always willing to trade). I have no aversion to counseling, but it will be a chore to get him to go.
Thelma- It IS a huge weight off. I feel like I have no one in whom to confide. I talked to his parents at one point, and his mom flipped out on him, but she can't really tell him anything because she's an alcoholic too (like her father, and so on). Yes, he comes to me with all sorts of health complaints, right down to a recent 20-pound weight gain. I always tell him it's from the alchohol, but he can't hear it. He also uses his work to justify his drinking. He works very hard, therefore he should be able to drink. He makes more than I do ($100 more per week- so what?), so he should be able to drink. Somehow, these things make sense to him. I once tried to make a point by telling him that I would be matching whatever amount he spends on drinking with spending on myself. That felt fair. But, we couldn't make ends meet, so I had to stop. It didn't make an impression on him, anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome C2shiningC.
I think you have received some very good advice here. I understand exactly where you are at. I left my AW (alcoholic wife) about a year ago. We were married 36 years and now we are in the process of getting divorced.
About Al-Anon. Yes it is christian no matter what they say. It has lots of religion in it. However there is huge amounts of good in it as well. I am an atheist and a practicing Buddhist. The parts of Al-Anon that work for me are the meetings, think of them as group therapy, and the slogans. I spend a lot of the meeting and really listen to what people are sharing, there is a lot of wisdom there. I have no problem sharing but I am careful about how I phrase things and avoid religion/god in anything I share.
As for a higher power I have found I can use the wisdom of the group for that. I don't need god or anything like that. Also, where I attend, there are usually people to talk to after the meetings to discuss stuff with. If one person isn't open try someone else. Not everyone is hard core Al-Anon.
Also, I tried 5 or 6 meetings until I found the 2 that I like and attend. Each meeting has its own flavor and they can be very different from each other.
The piece of literature I like best is How Al-Anon Works. There is a lot of good information in there especially on the slogans.
Also, having a discussion with your husband while he is still drinking is about as useful as have a discussion with a tree. Actually it is less useful as the tree won't get made.
Feel free to come on here and ask questions and vent as much as you want. Also, if you want to PM me about how I make al-anon work without the religious part please do.
Your friend,
I think you have received some very good advice here. I understand exactly where you are at. I left my AW (alcoholic wife) about a year ago. We were married 36 years and now we are in the process of getting divorced.
About Al-Anon. Yes it is christian no matter what they say. It has lots of religion in it. However there is huge amounts of good in it as well. I am an atheist and a practicing Buddhist. The parts of Al-Anon that work for me are the meetings, think of them as group therapy, and the slogans. I spend a lot of the meeting and really listen to what people are sharing, there is a lot of wisdom there. I have no problem sharing but I am careful about how I phrase things and avoid religion/god in anything I share.
As for a higher power I have found I can use the wisdom of the group for that. I don't need god or anything like that. Also, where I attend, there are usually people to talk to after the meetings to discuss stuff with. If one person isn't open try someone else. Not everyone is hard core Al-Anon.
Also, I tried 5 or 6 meetings until I found the 2 that I like and attend. Each meeting has its own flavor and they can be very different from each other.
The piece of literature I like best is How Al-Anon Works. There is a lot of good information in there especially on the slogans.
Also, having a discussion with your husband while he is still drinking is about as useful as have a discussion with a tree. Actually it is less useful as the tree won't get made.
Feel free to come on here and ask questions and vent as much as you want. Also, if you want to PM me about how I make al-anon work without the religious part please do.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I was glad to hear that you won't so turned off by Alanon that you wouldn't look for another group. I hope you find one that works for you.
Thank you for your truthful post. It brought me back to a very painful place in my life. I did what you are planning, except I have to children also. I told him that I was leaving, and I did. That was almost 2 years ago. I haven't regretted that decision one single time.
M
Thank you for your truthful post. It brought me back to a very painful place in my life. I did what you are planning, except I have to children also. I told him that I was leaving, and I did. That was almost 2 years ago. I haven't regretted that decision one single time.
M
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by C2shiningC 
Yes, I intend to make good on moving out in 6 months time. I have to wait until our lease was up because he can't afford our house on his own and I can't afford to pay rent twice.
I can so relate to your post. My STBXAH is a highly functioning alcoholic with a high-paying job (for now). When I went to Al-Anon a couple of years ago I thought that he would never be like the stories the other people were telling... I was wrong. My situation was not exempt (duh!). My A is only 33 and I have seen his progression take the fast track in the recent months/years and I know it's only a matter of time before great high-paying job and everything else goes away.
I also thought it would be the huge wake up call that he needed to get help / change when I moved out. Nope, that didn't work either. While hoping that my refusing to continue enabling him and leaving him would clean him up was my motivation to leave, I've only been out for a month and I honestly haven't felt more like myself in years and there is nothing he could do to make me take him back at this point. While it's not easy and the first week I was gone was THE worst week of my life and I thought I'd made a terrible mistake, I am so glad I weathered the storm and got where I am today. I no longer feel crazy, severely depressed, manipulated, etc...
Hang in there and stay on your plan!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 3
Also, having a discussion with your husband while he is still drinking is about as useful as have a discussion with a tree. Actually it is less useful as the tree won't get mad.
Thank you, everyone, for so much support.
Mike3 and Mybetterworld: How do you feel about online Al-Anon meetings as opposed to live ones? I spend a lot of time on the computer, and online meetings would be a good fit for me, assuming they're as productive as live ones.
Mayalewiston- You definitely touched upon my fears that his current drinking is only the tip of the iceberg. When our friend died of liver failure directly related to his alcoholism, my husband was able to rationalize that he himself would never be in that position because he didn't drink as much as the friend (who also held down a successful career, by the way). I tried to explain that our friend didn't START OUT drinking that much! It just got worse and worse over the years. Our friend was 50, and my husband is 28, so who knows where my husband will be in that amount of time.
There's always a time- just around the corner- when he says he'll slow down. When the stress of this or that is over, when work circumstances change, when we move to a new house, when this or that holiday is over, etc, etc, etc. We've reached all the milestones that were supposed to be starting-over points, and the alcohol remains.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I've never done an online meeting but I do spend a lot of time here reading and posting. I find Sober Recovery (SR) to be a huge help for me.
I like SR probably more than Al-Anon as it is less structured and much less prone to becoming religious. I do like the face to face as Al-Anon and really consider both to be good tools. Remember, with Al-Anon, take what you want and leave the rest. Not everything said will be useful for you but it may be for someone else and you will be surprised at what you will find useful.
As for your husbands drinking, he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel. That's it. It doesn't have anything to do with stress and being happy or sad or any of the other excuses he makes. He drinks because he wants to. He doesn't want to quit and until he does anything else he says is Quacking.
Your friend,
I like SR probably more than Al-Anon as it is less structured and much less prone to becoming religious. I do like the face to face as Al-Anon and really consider both to be good tools. Remember, with Al-Anon, take what you want and leave the rest. Not everything said will be useful for you but it may be for someone else and you will be surprised at what you will find useful.
As for your husbands drinking, he drinks because he likes the way it makes him feel. That's it. It doesn't have anything to do with stress and being happy or sad or any of the other excuses he makes. He drinks because he wants to. He doesn't want to quit and until he does anything else he says is Quacking.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by C2shiningC
There's always a time- just around the corner- when he says he'll slow down. When the stress of this or that is over, when work circumstances change, when we move to a new house, when this or that holiday is over, etc, etc, etc. We've reached all the milestones that were supposed to be starting-over points, and the alcohol remains.
For my A, just as quickly a those milestones passed, a new "reason" to change would pop up. He drank because he was stressed about $$ and miraculously got a new job paying nearly double the last one... the drinking got worse. He was also going to quit "after the holidays." Well, February is the month when he really went nuts with the drinking (that drove me to leave). Trust me, there will ALWAYS be a new reason until (if ever) he is ready.
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