Haybelly

Hi all, newbie here. Well, new to the forums, but not to alcoholism. I grew up with alcoholics in my family (father, uncles, cousins) and managed to marry one, too. My husband has been the classic Jeckyll/Hyde drunk - a prince in the mornings and a cruel, uncaring monster at night. About three weeks ago I came home and he & his best drinking buddy were - surprise! - drunk as skunks. At that point I just hit my wall. At that very moment I ceased caring about this relationship, I was done being a codependant enabler, I was never going to have to deal with this again. I didn't say as much, but my husband must have sensed it, because he's been sober since that night. The problem is that I just don't care. It's tearing me up inside, but I made up my mind that night and I just can't seem to believe that he's sober for good. He's tried many, many times in the past and never makes it more than a month. He says he's done getting drunk (wether I stay or not). He says if I want to throw away 20+ years of marriage that's my perogative. I want a new life, but I feel so SO guilty for feeling this way, especially since he's trying. I feel like if I was a good wife I'd support his sobriety and stay here with him, make a new life with a sober husband. But I can't relax, I drive home from work with a pain in my guts just wondering what I'll come home to, I don't want him touching me, I don't want to spend time with him...is this normal? Should I ride this out and hope for the best if I'm constantly preparing for the worst? I feel like the most selfish, horrible person on earth right now.

Seren

Hello Haybelly, Welcome to SR!

You have found a great place for information and support!

My xhusband divorced me--and once I came to terms with it and decided it was for the best as well (he was cheating on me), I still felt guilty.

It's a natural emotion to go through. Could I have tried harder, could I have done more? The answer I came up with for myself is "NO". I did everything I could.

No one here can tell you whether or not to end your marriage. You may not be ready to take action now or ever, but it does sound as if you need a little breathing room. If finances allow, perhaps the two of you could live separately to allow you room to think without pressure and to decompress, and to allow him to pursue his recovery (or lack thereof).

Please make yourself at home and continue to read around the forums. The "stickies" at the top of each forum contain a lot of valuable, basic information about addiction and recovery.

Welcome, again! HG

m1k3

Hi Haybelly and welcome.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) also. I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic wife of 36 years and I know exactly what you are talking about. It does get better the longer you are away from them. We have been seperated almost a year now. My breaking point came after a 6 day blackout binge of Ambien and booze.

One of the main characteristics of an ACOA is to continue to be loyal to someone long after they have shown they don't deserve that loyalty anymore.

I would like to recommend attending al-anon as it was a life saver for me. Posting here is a huge help as well.

Your friend,

Haybelly

Thank you for your welcomes and sharing your thoughts. Right now I really need to talk with people who understand where I am. I've been to a therapist and I've been to AlAnon meetings, and neither seemed to help.
As far as my guilt goes, I believe it stems from the fact that I know why my RAH drinks, but he won't seek help. I've spent a long time reasoning with myself, telling myself that X, Y & Z happened to him, and if I'd been through the same horrific things in my life, I'd probably drink to take the pain away, too. That's not a healthy way of looking at things, I know this. He's not a bad guy, he's not some evil monster, but the drunk side of him was unbearable. The fact that I stopped caring and he started to care on the same day is also causing me a lot of guilt. Another major factor in this was also the suicide of a friend of his that had troubles with alcohol, and that makes me feel even more guilty. Here's this poor man's wife, left alone and devistated, probably thinking I'm so lucky that my husband is at least trying, and here I am, not wanting to try. The fact that I can't get over all the times he hurt me, all the pent up anxieties and anger, the absolute lonliness I've felt, especially in the last six or seven years, makes me wonder what kind of person *I* am, deep down. He asked me the other day, "Isn't this what you've wanted?". Of course I wanted a sober husband - I tried to lead by example by quitting drinking over 15 years ago. I quit smoking last year after 25 years of that habit - I know how hard it is to quit an addiction. But has he really quit? He's 51 and he's been drinking most of his life. The last ten or fifteen years have been the worst. He'd drink 10-15 beers a night, and he does vodka shots. The vodka is what really pushed him over the edge. He was up to about 2 large bottles per week, sometimes 3, just doing shots. He hasn't shown any signs of physical withdrawal at all. But he isn't drunk, either. How could he just quit cold turkey and not have any signs? Part of me says I should just shut up and support him, the other part of me says nothing will change even if he's sober.

Seren

I think many of us here can relate to having horrible things in our past. Your husband is the only person who can decide to reach out for the help he needs to get past all of that. Is he seeing a therapist? Has he talked to his doctor?

I'm not sure what to tell you about the withdrawals. Everyone's body reacts differently, or he may be sneaking a bit of the "hair of the dog" to stave off the withdrawals.

One thing I have learned here and in the rooms of Al-Anon is that actions are more important than words. You say that he has not had anything to drink in 3 weeks and that this time is different from the others somehow, but he has never been able to stop drinking for more than 1 month, is that right? Maybe this time will be different, and I certainly hope so for his sake. Time will tell.

Your husband has the right to be happy! He is the only one who can do the work to get there. It's an inside job.

You also have the right to be happy! It's not true for all of us, many of us just could not find peace and serenity while in our front row seat to addiction. Again, you are the only one who can make that decision for yourself.

Pelican

Why is it they all say the same thing?
Maybe, it is because it is classic alcoholic behavior.

When I calmly told my husband that I was leaving our marriage, he made a few snarky remarks - and I didn't take the bait. Then he tried: "will you stay if I get sober?"

And somewhere deep inside I gave my gut a voice and said: "I had thought that was what I wanted. I thought I wanted you to get sober. But now I realize that I want more than a husband who does not drink every day/night. I want someone who treats me with respect as an equal partner in life"

Being sober only changes one behavior: the elbow action that kept directing the alcohol to the mouth.

Sober Recovery is the action of learning new behaviors to accept life on life's terms.

I wasn't willing to spend anymore of my one precious life waiting for a grown man to become the man I thought he was capable of being. I wanted more for my life. My life is important. My life has meaning. My happiness is important.

I'm sorry that Alanon and therapy haven't given you the support you were seeking. I have attending some Alanon meetings that were better than others. I take what I like and leave the rest, as recommended.

I find a lot of wisdom in the sticky posts (older, permanent posts that are at the top of this sections main page). This is one that helps me when I find myself stuck in an unhealthy relationship, and item #3 addresses guilt. Here is a link to the sticky post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

Haybelly

Well, it's been almost a month since that night and I'm still as lost as ever. I just cannot shake this guilt I feel. Why should I feel like I don't deserve to be happy? Part of me just can't get over the horrible things he's said to me in the past, even though he says (now) that he's sorry for it. I can't forget, and because of that, I can't forgive, and that makes me a vile person. But if I stay, I'm staying for him, not for me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I break down in tears every day. I'm feeling sick to my stomach every day. I'm overwhelmed with guilt every day. And his words & actions just make it more confusing - one day it's "we're divorcing", the next day it's "let's give it a couple months" then it's "we don't need to wait - it's over". He's put a bunch of his stuff up for sale, he's rented a storage unit, he's talked about being civil and just living as room mates until the house sells, then splitting it and going our separate ways, then he'll turn around and ask me if it's really over, doesn't he deserve another chance, do I really want to throw away 22 years of a relationship? I hate this! And I can't just walk out - there are things here that keep me from doing that (I have large animals that I just can't move quickly or leave behind). I'm so afraid I'm going to be stuck in a life I don't want, trying to make someone else happy, and live just as unhappily as I have been for 22 years. I wish I could just make it all stop, make it go away.
Sorry, this isn't really asking for advice, just me whining, I guess.

m1k3

I found I had a real hard time distinguishing the difference between the difference between love and pity. I now realize that while I still have pity for my wife I don't love her. In a relationship base on pity I was doing all the giving and getting nothing in return. And I felt guilty when I wanted even the simplest of my needs met.

Once I got past that I realized that I am worthy of living a happy life even if its on my own. I left my AW of 36 years one year ago and I am now in the middle of divorcing her.

My life is now mine and it is good.

Your friend,

MyBetterWorld

What you are feeling is SO normal. I got to the same point. The thought of him touching me, even just in passing, was revolting. (I left September of 2010 and the thought is STILL revolting) I lost all trust in him and stopped caring in any way. I felt sick going home from work.......not normal! People are supposed to be happy at the end of the work day. Happy to go home and spend family time. Not me. I would spend time with the kids and avoid any contact with XAH. When I started to feel that way I knew for sure it was over. I think I knew before that, but one day it hit me and any feeling that I had left for him was gone.
Don't feel guilty, you didn't cause it and you can't control it! This is on HIM!