I need a refresher course please! Re: 3 Months sober
 

Wrote my update last week about X getting out of rehab

The past few days my anxiety level has been running on over drive

Just because he's 3 month's sober, does not mean he
is cured, it means its just baby steps. His brain has alot
of repairing to do, after drinking a gallon of whiskey/vodka a day...


Im not to believe his..."IM CURED" and YOUR STILL A ANGRY B#*#^&

Right!?!?!?!!

Went to the doctor the other day, and I have been doing great.
But soon as the doctor showed me my xray of broken bones
It hit me like a train. The tears poured out before I knew I was crying.
*Alcoholic Accident, not physical abuse* from 2 years ago.

One more reason, my anger comes up.......
One more reason, he thinks Im angry and he is cured.....

Need to hear some good @SS chewing, please!...:)

Bobby,

So good to see you again. And I'm sorry you're all torn up.
You're right. Three months is nothing. My AXH proudly celebrated 100 days of sobriety and a month later, he was drunk as a skunk again.

Of course, that's not everyone's story. Three months is a great achievement for an addict. It is not "cured" however, and it would not be good enough reason for me to start reevaluating the relationship (or lack thereof).

Recovery is a long process. You can whiteknuckle it for three months. Not saying that's what he's doing, but he's ONLY got three months. And no matter how much of an effort that has taken for him, it doesn't wipe out the years of mayhem he caused while you were married.

I don't get this with addicts. I'm still angry about this, I realize: You don't get a pat on the back and an attaboy for behaving like a normal civilized human being. You don't automatically get forgiveness for years of behaving like an ass just because you happen to manage to NOT behave like an ass for a brief period of time.

More will be revealed. If he is recovering, he will continue to recover. Time will tell. Stick to your guns, your boundaries, and what you know, friend.

The first 30 days, while she was in rehab, were wonderful. It was like a heavy weight being lifted off my shoulders.
The next 30 days were good, she was busy with her "90 in 90" and still on the pink cloud...but as I warily watched, things were, well, better.
At 90 days the pink cloud was gone and I started seeing that some of the behaviors that I thought were part of the alcoholism, ran deeper than that. I felt like I was white knuckling it. There were a lot of long silences, and intense feelings of anxiety, a lot of thoughts of "Well, what now!?"
There's an old saying: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got." What got me through the first 90 days, the first 180 days, the first 365 days were the changes in my life. I don't know if I helped her stay sober, but I know that Al-anon helped me stay sane. Or maybe get sane.
If you can, learn to focus less on him and more on yourself.

(((((BobbyJ)))))

No @ss chewing from me, lol Instead I will say that you are correct, he is in VERY EARLY RECOVERY and only his ACTIONS over the next few months and years will show whether he has embraced recovery or not.

Right now, his WORDS to you do not show that. Sounds like he either not 'embraced' recovery yet and somewhere in the back of his mind he still thinks he can drink again, thus he is still QUACKING, or he is on the "Pink Cloud" that many of us get for a few weeks in early recovery, feeling how GREAT life is, and he is still QUACKING! Yep, many of us, feel like we are cured, I know I sure did. However, for many years now, I have stated over and over:

"I have RECOVERED from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, and I continue to recover by working on the "I", "Self", and "Me" of my alcoholism.

Please (((((BobbyJ))))) do not feed into his QUACKING. You have been doing so well in your own growth!!!!

You know we are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Ahh, forgot about the pink cloud! LOL

A few weeks ago, he called to tell me that he was going to come here to pick up
his stuff that he left behind. Which is fine, I have it all piled up in the garage.

But then he ask me how it's going. I said fine. Then he tells me I have so much
anger in my voice and that he will pray for me everyday.

I dont want to fall for the quacking after 90 days, I dont want to fall into the
"feel sorry" pit when I see him, I dont want to think he is "healed",
I dont want to lose my temper, I dont want to forget that he has a long ways to go....not just 90 days.....

Its a real bittersweet feeling....alot of anxiety...

Why do they think in 90 days, they are "CURED"
when a year later, I still have days of crap to deal with???...

90 day wonders! Hahahaha, I forgot that turn of phrase.
Yes, they might think because they survived ninety days without alcohol, he has some kind knowledge(forced, more than likely) but what has he learned?
Well, I can tell you this Bobby, I remember my pink cloud and how happy I was to find out that I would live and my life would become great with HARD WORK.
That early in recovery I dont remember being angry at my spouse, just resigned I guess that we were not going to stay married.
Calling you names? No, that is not recovery.
He is just a mean @zzhole, and for your sake, please avoid him at all costs.
He hurts you, and he does that because he can. Do not give him any more opportunities.
He is just a man, an immature man with an addiction problem. Nothing more, nothing less.
Please work harder on your life, talk to people who would never consider calling you names.

Beth

Bobby, I am sorry, but I forgot if you were raised with chaos?

:ghug3

*LOVE* this!

>>I don't get this with addicts. I'm still angry about this, I realize: You don't get a pat on the back and an attaboy for behaving like a normal civilized human being. You don't automatically get forgiveness for years of behaving like an ass just because you happen to manage to NOT behave like an ass for a brief period of time.

(((((saljay)))))

My mother did a lot of 'praising' to me during my first 3 years of recovery. I finally got the courage to sit down with her and say:

"Mom will you please STOP praising me for something that I should have been doing all these years, being a productive citizen of our society."

She replied something to the effect of:

"Sweetie, I am not praising you for something you should have been doing all this time. I am praising your HARD WORK and your CONTINUED GROWTH to get to the point of being able to continue to grow and change and LIVING a life that you should have been doing all along."

Wheeeew what a relief as it had really bothered me. I just knew I did not deserve praise, just because I was sober and clean. She was praising MY 'EFFORTS' and 'MY STICK TO ITness', and MY 'TENACITY'. She said she saw something in me she had NEVER seen before.

That I could life with. It was not until years later that I realized that my 'icky' feelings when she would 'praise' me was growth in and of itself. I had realized, I was just doing and living my life the way I was suppose to all along, lol

I relate the above, to show and most of those that I have known and that I still know reach the same conclusion I did and as they 'grow and change' they understand where the 'praise' is coming from, but do not allow it to 'go to their head.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,