shleee

I really need some advice/insight from someone who's ‘been there’ and ‘done that’..

I started dating a friend from work about three months ago. I never met anyone I liked so much. I knew he was “My Guy” when he’d done research on how yarn is made so we would have something to talk about while I crochet to pass time on my lunch breaks.

Things were great when we were together in the day time, but his well-hidden alcoholism started to show after the first month.
Some days he'd come into work with his hair mussed-up, wearing the same clothes as the day before, and smelling like B.O. and booze. We'd text on the computer at night and he'd randomly ‘fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation. He’d forget the plans we made the night before, leaving me with a whole day to cry and wonder why he stood me up.

I decided to do a little research and found the name of his affliction- High Functioning Alcoholic. He’s always been a good worker and usually seems so put-together. Except for his ‘stinky days’, you would never suspect he drank at all.

I talked to his mom and his best friend, and they both confirmed that he drinks four 40oz every night to fall asleep. Every night! Think about that.. 40oz x 4 bottles is 160oz, 160oz is 10lbs of liquid. I don’t believe I could drink that much WATER in a day without ill-effect.

After the fourth time being stood up I told him this was unacceptable and that it was either the alcohol or me. He stormed off without a word, so I had my answer.

The next day he seemed to take every opportunity to be near me, but he still wouldn’t talk to me. It was confusing and hurtful to have these mixed signals, so I wrote him a letter that basically said, I asked him the next day if we could talk about the letter, and the excuses started to spew: “I only read the first half, the second half got smudged in the rain” “I can’t talk right now, I’m really busy” “I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown” “Let’s just be friends! Friends don’t talk about this stuff!!” and then he LITERALLY ran away from me.

I was Flabbergasted..

I couldn’t believe this sweet, attentive, and intelligent man who told his mother every day how much he loved me could be turned into a shivering, evasive mess who just “wanted to be friends” when confronted about his drinking habits.

His mom and his best friend were hoping I’d be the inspiration for him to help himself out of his addiction, but it doesn’t seem to be so. Should I be tenacious and try to push at him until he figures it out? Does he really not care that he’s hurt me so much? Does he really love his alcohol more than me? Is there anything I can do to snap him back to reality?

Shirt423

I'm sorry you're going through this I had very similar thoughts at the beginning of my relationship with abf. I also met him at work amd he was so attentive and loving. Just know that things may have to get worse before he decides to get help. It's hard not to take his drinking personallly but he is suffering from the disease of alcoholism.

Only he can find sobriety and nothing you do can make that happen. He probably does love you to the extent an alcoholic can love another, but the drink will continue to come first.

Read through this site and try alanon. Good luck. Hugs . . . I know it's really hard and I feel for you.

suki44883

Should I be tenacious and try to push at him until he figures it out? No, you should move on. He has shown you what he is. Believe him.

Does he really not care that he’s hurt me so much? He probably cares, but that doesn't change anything.

Does he really love his alcohol more than me? Not necessarily, but alcohol is more important right now.

Is there anything I can do to snap him back to reality? No, no one can "snap him back to reality." Drinking is his reality.

Welcome to SR. Many of us have been exactly where you find yourself right now. We love an addict. Whether it's alcohol or cocaine or heroin, it's all addiction. You cannot win against addiction.

There are some "stickie" posts at the top of the forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there. Also, please keep reading posts from others here. You will find that your situation is not that unique and that there are others going through or who have gone through the same thing. We're here to support you, so please, make yourself at home here.

laurie6781

(((((shleee)))))

I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason why. Welcome to Sober Recovery. You will find lots and lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from folks who have been where you are or are where you are now.

Read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, check around and read the different threads.

As a RA (recovering Alcoholic) with many years in recovery I can honestly tell you, that it was not about you. It was about his ALCOHOL. It is not a matter of 'choosing' alcohol over you, it is a matter of him believing with his dying breath that he needs alcohol to survive. I can honestly say, that the last half of my alcoholic drinking if anyone tried to get between me and my booze, they were out of my life.

I was a 'functioning alcoholic' (actually that phrase is an oxymoron) until the last 1 1/2 years of my alcoholism when I was unable to work at all and lived on the streets having lost everything. However, while still holding down a pretty dang good job, my life did revolve around alcohol:

How much did I have?
How much was left?
Did I have enough to get me through to morning?
Where was I going to get more?
When was I going to get more?
Did I have enough money to get more?

When I finally started Detox, I went into Alcoholic Seizures with a .38 BAC (Blood Alcohol Count) because my body NEEDED MORE ALCOHOL. .08 will get a normal person a DUI.

I would say this person did you a BIG favor. You only have 3 months or so invested. Some of us have stayed with the A for years and years.

So, please read around this forum, go check out the alcohol forums also. Please do not think it was an 'either/or' choice. It was not alcohol over you. It was:

Alcohol or I die.

Again welcome to SR. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

wicked

Yes, this is it.

Beth

SoaringSpirits

Put it this way: If my beloved best friend/partner/husband of 16 years can choose alcohol over his terrific wife and four fabulous kids, your boyfriend of a few months can far more easily choose booze over you.

I gave my husband a choice: sobriety or we live apart. He chose to live apart.

Alcohol is their #1 priority. Not you. Never you.

Only HE can be his inspiration to change.

Run, run and do not look back. This relationship has nothing for you but heartache.

Diva76

Awwww....
I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I'm
glad you're reaching out for help...
My boyfriend and I met in middle school and basically had a crush on me ever since...
15 years after we graduated from highschool, he looked me up and finally told me how he felt after all these years..
How romantic...
Well, you would think that since the feelings for one another were mutual, nothing could come between us...
Unfortunately, when it comes to alcoholism, all bets are off...
I remember feeling exactly as you are right now, but this much I can tell you..
As hard as it is, you can't take what happened personally...
I remember writing my boyfriend a similiar type of letter and my goodness, got REALLY defensive...
Once he figured out that I was "on" to him, he stopped calling me...
This is after 8 months of dating...
We spoke one other time after that..
And we haven't spoken since...
Yes, I'll admit my ego is a bit bruised over that, but then again, why should he want to call me?
Calling me is too confronting for him..
In other words, people like me and you remind these guys that they have some serious demons to face...
And until they do that, they're likely going to keep their distance..
I know it hurts so bad, but please try your very best to keep in mind that none of this is your fault..

I hope you feel better soon...

All the best,


Diva 76

marie1960

They will choose the Alcohol everytime.
They are addicts, this is what addicts do.

Now that he has shown you who he is, BELIEVE him.

fhl41

So sorry you are going through this. Count yourself lucky that you are finding out about his addiction sooner than later. His drinking is obviously his priority period. You have shown him a mirror and he is not interested in looking at it and therefore he has found it easier to walk away. Not good boyfriend material. You deserve better. He needs to be inspired to quit all on his own, I have learned that one the hard way.

Seren

I'm sorry you are hurting, but sadly, I'm not surprised by his reaction.

Someone in active addiction will choose their DOC (drug of choice) every time.

Take good care of yourself, right now!

shleee

Thanks for your support, everyone!

I'm the kind of person who feels like they have to do everything in their power to make a situation "right", so I made one last effort.. I printed out two articles, "How to Recognize a High-Functioning Alcoholic", and "Alcohol and Denial". I highlighted everything I've noticed about him, then wrote notes beneath each one like, "I've seen you do this", "People at work have noticed this", "Don't let it get this far and hurt the people who love you," “Just because you admit you have a problem doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. Be honest with YOURSELF and the rest will fall into place”, etc.

I also included a full page of things we could do outside of the house instead of drinking, hoping to give him a little incentive to think about it (I was told by his best friend that he only drinks when he's alone in his room).

I had his mom put the letters on his bed a few days ago and she says they’ve been open and on his desk ever since. This is the last time I will try to reach out to him. Hopefully, for his sake, it gets some dusty gears rolling in his head.

He still runs away when he sees me at work (we work at everyone’s favorite orange-themed hardware store), but my duties take me all over the store throughout the day so he has to see me A LOT; he’s gotta be working pretty damn hard to keep up his façade of denial now!

My conscience as a decent human being is clean and clear- I’ve done the best that I could, everything within my power and not a bit more. I will give him support if he decides to help himself, otherwise I’m not gonna stick around and fuel the self-esteem of his alcoholic self.

The plus side of this whole sad situation is that I’ve truly seen how strong I can be, and much support I have when I’m down in the world- friends, co-workers, the good people of this forum.. I thank you all again =)

Diva76

You are so welcome..
That's what we're here for.....
Like you, I have no regrets for expressing my concerns
to my last boyfriend..
Planting the seed certainly can't hurt, but now it's up to
them to make the choice to do something about it...

I am very proud of you...
It must be so hard working at the same job as him, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like you're handling it better than he is!

Best wishes,


Diva 76

shleee

It's a bit hard at times- sometimes your mind plays out scenarios where everything is better or the way they were, but it bites you pretty hard when you get the cold shoulder in reality.

I've grown up rough, so I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing difficult feelings. I'm sure I'll live and let go eventually.

Lately, he's been paring up with a drama-loving girl at work to try and make me uncomfortable. He's convinced her that he doesn't have a problem and that I've made it up to get back at him (for whatever reason he's given her). Now he has an enabling friend who takes time out of her day to come close and stare me down at random times while I'm working. I actually heard them planning this today while I was in the bathroom.

Very high school. Very sad.

I'm just going to assume this is another defense mechanism against someone reflecting him the truth, but it's definitely shown me the true nature of his character. There's part of me who wants to believe in the better part of him and that he's just clouded by his sickness, another tells me this is the state he's reduced himself to and it's all anyone could hope from him, even if he did get sober.. Very conflicting..

Seren

Wow! That is really childish and incredibly immature. I'm glad you see it for what it is. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but they will tire of this game eventually. Especially when they see it is not 'working'--whatever that means for them.

Hang in there!

Diva76

I agree with Leise...
My last boyfriend had this female "drinking buddy"
who used to get on my last nerve!
He referred to her as a "guy with boobs"
meaning he didn't have any romantic feelings towards her,
but she on the other hand did...
Otherwise, she wouldn't constantly be texting him, or calling him while we were out together...
Anyway, it was easier for him to hang with her because she was just as bad as he was with the drinking and the smoking...
In fact, one day I finally just said to her, why don't you two just go for it and I'll step back and she flipped out on me!
Guilty much?! Lol!
Anyway, this experience taught me that the "bond" drinking buddies share is sooo much stronger...
Even after she disrespected me, he still had the fantasy that she and I would "kiss and make up..."
Can you stand it????
It's a sad state of affairs, when it comes to this alcoholism thing...
It seems to me when someone is suffering from
an addiction, their perception of reality can become so deluded..
But then again, so did mine...
Would you believe that I 'almost' fell for the excuse that he "fell asleep" while sending me a text???
All I can say for myself is...
THANK GOD there's a recovery program for us too!!!
I think we should start a thread entitled..."Excuses alcoholics make to their significant others to hide the fact that they are alcoholics..."
I am not being sarcastic, whatsoever...
I just think it would be interesting to explore the ways in which both parties (the alcoholic and the significant other) get caught up in the delusional thinking this disease creates....

Diva 76

laurie6781

We have one, roflmao it is VERY INTERESTING and FUNNY.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-quackers.html

and it's up to

15 pages with the last post to date, dated 4/6/2012 at 6:15pm

Please feel free to add to it, lol

Alkies and addicts use the 'same handbook' lmao

(((((shleee)))))

We are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

Diva76

Lol! No kidding...Really???
Thanks for the link...
Too bad I didn't know about that sooner!!!
Maybe I'll see some of the "standard" excuses...
Thank goodness for Sober Recovery!
:day6

shleee

The logical part of me says she's got a boyfriend, and he's really picky with girls and doesn't want anyone close enough to see his drinking anyways. But logic seems to elude the situation. I doubt they would start something up, but I won't be surprised if they did.

There's no woman in the world who could be happy with the treatment he would give her- she may stick with him if the situation proceeded, but it would be miserable.. better her than me.

I know that I'm worth more than what he's willing to give me, and it's not like it's that hard to find a good man. The hardest part is that I had my heart set out on the idea of this one (in his healthy state), and I rarely find someone I'm truly attracted to.. maybe once every four years..

As for the "stare her down" situation, I've got three options:

Another thing.. His mother said he's been drinking less since I gave him the articles. He DOES look much more put-together at work and he seems to be much more alert (although everyone at work says he's turning into a real jerk). I don't think this is a recovery though, otherwise I wouldn't still be seen as "The Enemy". I feel like he got scared he was found out and decided to cut back to keep his sober image for work.

Windmills

RE number 2 in your list- if you take actions to 'protect' yourself at work due to HIS actions, you are not responsible for the consequences. If he wasn't acting like an idiot, you wouldn't need to consider reporting him to management.

Mavis1

OH boy, run - don't walk away - from this situation. YOU are better than this. I have had some experience here. Only two words come to mind:

run away.