lovelifetga

So my husband is the A....I used to drink, occasioinally, however feel guilty now if I do, so I rarely drink anymore. A few weeks ago, it was my birthday..my son (7) and I were at the store and I thought I would have a beer with dinner that night..we were going to barbecue, my husband wasnt going to be home. I put a six pack in the cart and my son freaked out. He begged that I put it back. He said he didn't like the way daddy acted when he drank. So, of course I put it back, no problem. The next day, I told my husband what had happened. His response, "I'm not going to let a 7 year old run my life." Wow. I explained that I had no problem letting my son make that decision for me. I don't have to drink..it's not mandatory and obviously he has been traumatized by it..so why put him through it. Seriously..he doesn't get why that was not okay??? I don't understand..he's 41 and doesn't feel that he's doing any harm to anyone but himself. Why?

TakingCharge999

Hi lovelife

So what happens now that you see this man does not care if his son is afraid/scared/hurt? where are the boundaries? is this OK for you?

lovelifetga

Of course it's not okay. I merely posted that as my reaction. What happens now? I can honestly say I don't know. It's been off/on for over a year now..I have a good job and can take care of my son and I, however the hours aren't phiasable. I guess the fact that I need my job is my excuse as to why he's still around.

wicked

Your job hours aren't feasible?
Of course you need your job to take care of you and your son.
If your relationship has been off and on, maybe you could work it the way it is when its off?
Have you tried any Alanon meetings? You will get support and information there.
My personal experience as the child of an alcoholic, was terrible and terrifying. Please limit his time with his dad.
My dad scared me until the day he died of cirrhosis.
As an alcoholic mom, I know I could not care for my children as they needed, and they have suffered for it. (addiction, codependency, acting out in all ways possible).

I went into recovery and have been sober for 15 years. The father of my children went with me (I was in the Army, spouses could get treatment too inpatient six weeks).
He started back drinking within two weeks of graduating the program.
He said the exact same thing your man said about my son's fears (first grader).
"Son does not run my life, you are the one with the problem, not me!"

That was the beginning of the end of the marriage. Took me awhile, but we got divorced.

Beth

:ghug3 for you and your son.

PS Both of my children were born in Georgia. I was stationed at Fort Gordon.
I hope to move back to the warm weather soon.

lovelifetga

I know how stupid that sounds..but right now, my job is the only thing I can count on if that makes sense. I just haven't grown the backbone yet. I muster up a bit more courage every day...but just not enough to end it yet. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to my AH and my son. I'm afraid to see my son without his dad. I know it needs to happen and I know it will..

wicked

Oh, lovelifega,

I certainly did not mean to make it sound stupid. I was just making sure what you were saying.
It does make sense that your job is the only thing you count on, I felt the same way about being in the Army.
You know what you need to do, it is just actually doing it that is scary right now.
Have you tried any AlAnon meetings? You will get support there, with a group of people who have lived what you are living.
No need to make any quick decisions (unless there is active abuse), just start saving a little money. Maybe let some family members in on your struggle.
Look for help, you will find it.
Come back anytime to vent, or talk, or ask for more help.

Beth

Happy Easter to you and your little boy.
:ghug3

Carol Star

They are so selfish they do not have the ability to feel guilt or remorse. Scary.

lovelifetga

Thank you. I think I may always put myself as the victim. But I have been going to Al-Anon and know that's not what I am. I'm getting there, I know I am...I appreciate your support. We had a fantastic Easter and I"m looking forward to a nice summer. I hope you had a nice Easter and thanks again for the support, it means a lot.

Katiekate

"I'm not going to let a 7 year old run my life."


This is so telling. He would rather have a six pack of beer run his life, is that it??

m1k3

As the adult son of an alcoholic father what I would have said to my mother is thank you. Maybe not at the time but as I got older and the fear and confusion faded I would have been very grateful.

You are not doing your son any favors by staying.

Your friend,

wanttobehealthy

I have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old and they both have expressed fear/anxiety (in the way kids do- not with adult words) about their father's drinking. When I approached him with these concerns thinking he'd give a $hit that his daughters were anxious, he was utterly incapable of caring about their feelings and instead raged at me in front of them time and time again saying that I was putting fears into their minds and manipulating them.

I am sharing this simply to say that it will get much much worse and for your sons sake get him away.

I understand not being sure how to do it, being fearful of all the unknowns. I went from a high paying job that allowed me financial independence to one where I can't afford to even rent a crappy apt on my own. It's crummy. But it's a million times better than my kids being subjected to AH constantly.

LoneStar2x

Well, I guess you see where his priorities are now.

Chino

Who's higher on your priority list, son or husband?